standablaze Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Hey guys, been lurking on this forum pretty much since I met my girl online. Things are a bit complicated, but I will try to keep it short and sweet for you guys. So we met online in late October 2009. I knew pretty much right away she was something special. We met online in a voice chat (similar to Skype I suppose?) called Ventrilo. We have talked every day since we met, and we usually talk for a couple hours every night, and we text each other all the time as well. Oh, I'm from Canada, and she's in Georgia About a month after we met, she told me she had news. She had taken a home pregnancy test, and it came out positive. The next day she went to the doctor and confirmed that she was. Well, that was a huge thing to take in, but that's life I suppose. She told me the father was her ex boyfriend who ended things a month or so before we met. Since then our relationship has had its ups and downs. I want to go and see her ASAP, and she wants me to as well. But here is what troubles me; she says she doesn't want to tell her parents about me when I come down because she doesn't want them to think that she is a whore or something (we would be getting a hotel and staying there). And then she got into the fact that we don't know how each other acts in real life.. So I asked her if she had doubts about me, and she said no. But it's obvious that this is on her mind. Sure maybe that's a little normal since we haven't met yet, but I love her and would do just about anything for her (and she loves me too) but don't I deserve to not be a secret in her life? I am patient and I'm giving her time, but I'm thinking that before I go down to see her, her parents should know about me. It's hard enough being loooong distance, but it's a lot harder when she's keeping it a secret. She's told me she's told some of her friends about me, which I think is great. My family and most of my friends know about her, because I'm just crazy about her. The last thing I asked was "If we hit it off really well when I come down, on the last day can I get to meet your parents?" and she said "we'll see". So I guess that's some progress.. She knows how I feel, I bring this up from time to time, because it bothers me. She tells me that I get too ahead of myself.. If I mean so much to her, you would think she would just be able to tell her parents about me. That's all I really want. :/ I guess to me it's a sign of commitment. She says she wants to be with me, she's asked me if I would consider moving down to be with her (I'm taking an online course right now and don't have the money to support myself). Sorry, this was a bit longer than I thought, but I think everything I wrote is relevant. I told her I'd be getting a webcam soon so she has a better idea of how I am in real life, besides from just my voice. And yes, we have each other on Facebook so she knows what I look like obviously. And I have seen her on webcam a few different times now. Anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice? Am I right, or wrong?
hoping2heal Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 I plain and simply would not trust anyone who tells you they won't tell their parents about you. I don't buy that excuse at all. What should be said is "Mom, I met this guy online we want to meet in person, we have been taking for X months." Maybe they won't be thrilled about it, but they will not think she is a whore. I don't trust this at all, if someone is serious about you- then certainly parents should know about you, you should not be some well kept secret.
Author standablaze Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 That's what I thought too I just want her to realize it as well. As badly as I want to be with her, I want them to know about me before I go (I would be taking a bus down there, over 24 hours).. I think she should want to tell them about me. I know I tell all my friends about her every chance I get :/
Rollercoasterr Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 I second what she said. I wouldn't trust anyone who says they don't want their parents to know about me. If she loves you like she says, then obviously she'd do anything to be with you. She isn't. Love conquers all, and if she's flat out refusing to tell her parents that she's met someone on the internet then obviously she isn't REALLY in love. I know this will probably fall on deaf ears, as it usually seems to do in cases like this, but you need to let it sink in that you are NEVER going to be anything more than a secret to her. You can go and see her, but you wont meet her parents, and probably not any of her friends. It's an awful thing to say, but it's the truth. It's the truth that no one is supposed to say to someone else because it hurts. I know that if I were in your situation I probably wouldn't listen to anyone else either, but I wish and hope that you'll at least consider what we've said. Things that start out this way can never end well. It's impossible. If she's not telling her parents NOW, how do you propose that she tell them in the future?? "Hey, mom, dad...I met this boy on the internet a year ago, and have fallen in love with him. I've never met him, but don't worry because I'm going to go meet him and we'll live happily ever after with my child"??? Very, very unlikely. The girl is already pregnant, she's not going to tell her parents anything else than she has to. After she has this baby she's not going to be in ANY shape to travel and I'm pretty sure that her parents aren't going to let her out of their sight with that baby(grandparents are crazy about their grandkids), and bringing someone unknown that you met on the internet isn't the wisest idea in this day and age. My guess is that you're an escape for her. She's gotten herself into a mess by getting pregnant and talking to you and living in this fantasy land makes her feel better. But that's all it is, a fantasy.
carvidep Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 What kind of relationship does she have with her parents? Is she close with them? Or does she normally not tell them intimate details about her life (aside from the pregnancy thing, that's kiiiinda huge). I agree that she probably isn't "in love". IF she truly wants to get to know you better and be with you, then obviously she's scared. I think her reason is legitimate. BUT, I agree that she should definitely tell them about you. Also, she's not wrong in having doubts about meeting you in person. I hope you have doubts too, otherwise you're living in a fantasy world. It's possible that the chemistry you have online won't be the same in person. I'm not saying that it won't, but there is a chance so be careful. That's great that you're getting a webcam! It could help her a lot to feel better about meeting you, and maybe even be one step closer to getting her to tell her parents about you. I've been having this exact same issue with my guy. Different country, different time zones, different cultures, and a completely different family dynamic. There's a lot to take into consideration. I told him a few times that there is no way that I can completely trust him if he isn't gonna tell his parents about me. I got the "some of my friends know" schpiel, but still not his parents. He's uncomfortable telling people "our story", how we met online and started liking each other 3 years later and now here we are. He finally told them he has an "American friend" who will be visiting, which was at least a step in the right direction. Now I'm in his country pursuing teaching English, so if it doesn't work out between us, I'll still be up on my feet, and I'll know I didn't just come for him. During the week that I came I met his mom (bty LOVE HER!!), who guessed what was going on right away, and my guy isn't backing off any, and says I'll probably end up meeting his dad when I return to his city. Your situation is quiiiite a bit different from mine. Your girl is pregnant, so her head is probably spinning anyway. How was the breakup with her ex? Did she break it off? She might not be ready to start a new relationship yet. Do keep prodding her to tell her family, but also try to find out why, and see things from her perspective.
Els Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 (edited) I honestly think that depends on how her parents are like. Some parents are extremely conservative. As in, extremely. As an example, I have a friend whose parents don't know about her bf - because they don't approve of 1 on 1 dates! They insist that if she is going to date, she should do it in groups. Yeah. Like, wtf? Her bf doesn't blame her for not telling her parents, because they simply won't see reason. In fact, they might just stop her from going out with him and send her for Quran classes or something. And sometimes it really is better for all parties involved to keep the peace. I, too, completely understand her predicament. Maybe the OP's parents have called her a whore in the past for doing normal things, like returning from a date with a guy at 10pm or something. That could potentially lead to her aversion to tell them about the OP. Of course, these are all just hypothetical guesses. Edited February 5, 2010 by Elswyth
Author standablaze Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 Well her parents actually split up, so she's living with her mom and step dad down there (and her dad actually lives only about 2 hours away from me). Her relationship with her mom has been kinda shaky since I've known her; she tells me about her fights with her that they get into. They haven't got into one in a while now though. And yeah the doubts are normal, but I just think it's definitely worth taking a shot for. And I'm not sure if I should be like "you've gotta tell your parents about us or I won't come" because I don't want to drop that ultimatum on her, but it's pretty much what I feel needs to happen. I guess I just want her to get over the fear, and decide that I'm worth it. In regards to the ex, he's doing the right thing for the baby and is trying to provide and whatnot. Apparently, they're just good friends now. And this is something that I brought up before as well, and she told me that he still hugs her, but that's it. And I trust that is the truth. Went on webcam for her last night for about an hour, right before she went to sleep. Hopefully this will make her feel more comfortable.
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