Is this strange or am I paranoid?

[kissyface77]

Hi All,

 

I am in a serious relationship with a man 11 years my junior. I'm 37. I am also pregnant 8 weeks with his first and my third baby.

 

The thing is . i have a very analytical mind and nothing goes past me much in conversations with people especially significant others. I guess it is a lack of trust but it is also just how i am. It really bugs me no end.

 

Anyhow. My man has lived in a rural area most of his life. he is quite shy and says he has kept to himself alot apart from a few friends he went to school with. When we fisrt started dating he indicated that he was quite sexually experienced and would tell me of scenarios he's been in etc. But later it seems to me that it isn't quite true, and certainly doesn't line up with my experience of him. He has even said himself at a later date, he really is'nt that experienced. And sexually I would say he doesnt seem that experienced.

 

I am wondering if he had made those stories up? Or am i being ridiculous? I have no way of know other than what is in front of me and he did say he was afraid I would think he was no good if I knew he really hadn't had a real girlfriend till me..

 

Having 11 years more adult life than he I cant see how he has managed to fit in all these things in the time frame and given the lack of people in his community. I'm from the city and used to being around alot of people. So I know i sound judgemental about his life but it just doesn't make sense.

 

Sometimes he says he used to do such and such and I really don't belive him and then i feel bad that I don't believe him. It just doesn't match his personality. One of his friends told me he wouldn't be surprised if my man wasn't almost a virgin when we met.

 

So I am really really worrying now. we are in the process of moving in together once we have done some work on his house. I wish I could ask him about this without putting him down. Or should I leave it? I really think he is trying to impress me with his stories when his life really has mostly revolved around the farm and friends he has met around him. I hate the thought that he would be lying. It really disturbs me.

 

Other than this issue my man is very sweet and loving and we have a great ability to communicate and sove problems and he is fantastic with my children. I know that he is devoted to us and also he has a lovely close family who he spends alot of time with. He is hard working and he is very accepting of my issues. ( i have told him i have these issues with trust and that i over analyse everything lol) And he is willing to help me thru this. So wot do you all think. Advise would be greaty appreciated

[Ronni_W]

Why not just call it "embellishments" and love him all the more for thinking so highly of you that he feels the need impress you?

 

And why not just reassure him that you'd love him EXACTLY the same even if he'd spent all his life on the farm and had very little dating/sexual experience? And why not do that every time it sounds like he might be starting another "embellishment"?

I'd have to guess that he'll get the message sooner than later and, once you've done your job of making him feel super-special and loved for exactly who he is, he won't need to do it anymore.

 

There's a book you may want to check, 'Forgive For Love' by Fred Luskin.

One of the concepts is that you've CONSCIOUSLY chosen to carry this man's baby to term, and to move in with him. It's your decision; your wish. And the package that you've chosen for yourself comes with this tendency to embellish -- because he wants you to think highly of him, respect him, admire him and love him.

 

Certainly you could have bigger "problems"?

[kissyface77]

Hi Ronni,

 

Thanks for your reply. You certainly make sense in what you are saying. I relaly love this man to bits. It just disappoints me that he would lie to me. I get all stuck on it wondering what is true and what's not. Most of the time I try to focus only on who he is now which is the one i love. But after a while it eats away at me and I just feel afraid especially now we are expecting a baby. It's all the more serious now.

 

Anyhow thanks for your advice

[Ronni_W]

It just disappoints me that he would lie to me.

That's your choice...to feel disappointment instead of...something better.

You're making a decision to look at it one way instead of another. You're making it be his "lies" instead of his "wanting to impress" you.

You're not giving him any benefit of the doubt, or empathy, or forgiveness.

 

Which is perfectly fine -- it is your 100% right and privilege to make exactly those kinds of decisions and choices.

 

But then you've got to find your balls and talk with him about your concerns. Ask him what is up, tell him you're onto his lies, and request that he please cease and desist immediately.

 

You're sitting there, stewing and creating and nurturing your resentments that will erode your perfectly good relationship sooner or later. Get your concerns out in the open where you two can deal with it and move forward as the happy, loving couple that you still are.

 

To me, that would be an infinitely wiser choice than to do nothing but let it become toxic sludge -- that'll eat away at you first, and then your relationship.

 

I suggest, stand up and speak out for Love, instead

[make me believe]

I completely disagree with Ronni. If he has lied that much about his sexual past (and lets call it what it is -- these are LIES, not embellishments), even if it was to "impress" you or because he was embarrassed by his inexperience, it's still a problem!! Why doesn't he work on his self-confidence and trust you not to judge him for his inexperience?

 

How can you build a relationship when one person is ACTIVELY LYING to the other -- even if they (or others) think it is about an unimportant thing? If you had lied and claimed to be a virgin because you wanted to "impress him" with your purity, would that be ok too? What if you lied about your work experience, schooling, family, etc? Pick one of the above. Is any lie ok, as long as you did it because you wanted him to "think highly of you, respect you, admire you, and love you"? How can you respect, admire, and love somebody who is lying to you?

 

If he were at least coming clean with his lies, I would have a different opinion of him. But he sounds immature and cowardly if he is STILL lying about his sexual past.

Edited February 5, 2010 by make me believe

[melodymatters]

Oh Pshaw ! men lie up and woman lie down ( no pun intended) when it comes to sexual experiences.

 

This guy is 26 with a 37 yr old woman and doesn't want her to think he's a little boy. This hardly makes him a pathological liar !

 

My younger H lied about the ages of woman he dated on our first date to show me that he could and wanted to deal with an older woman. ( she was 32 instead of 39) Besides that he was the sweetest, kindest most wonderful man I ever met.

 

Seriously OP, don't go borrowing trouble if this is all you have to complain about !!!!

[kissyface77]

Hi Melodymatters and make me believe,

 

I agree with a bit of both of your posts. And Ronni lol. I had a good chat with my man last night and it really seems he was trying to impress me with his tales and he is very sorry. He is very inexperienced with relationships as it turns out and he didnt wnt me to think he was a loser. He is very sweet and kind and yes there are other problems but we are willing to sort it out.

 

Thanks so much for your responses to my post.

[SuburbanOblivion]

Make it clear to him how upset you are about the lying, but if that is the worst and only thing he's ever lied to you about, don't make too big a deal about it. Guys can and do lie about far worse.