Jeff1962 Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 I'm not judging anyone. I still do not understand why some people become involved with married people, emotionally or physical. This can only bring heartache and turmoil to everyone involved. Even if it's a no strings attached senario, there are other people attached, i.e., lives being destroyed. There are plenty of single people out there. Why don't you leave your spouse instead of cheating?
ladydesigner Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Well my story is a bit different but I got involved with a man who had a long term girlfriend. My H had been distant and moody for many years and I felt disconnected to him. I brought it up to him time and again and he never changed. At work I was beginning to feel an emotional connection to my co-worker (xOM) and when I discovered my H's A I pursued this co-worker to have a revenge affair. My A was not right, but I did feel better about getting even. The thing I did not expect to happen was to fall so hard for xOM. Anyways these situations are never easy. If I could do this again I would go to IC and get myself straightened out. I might have left my marriage. Currently I have felt there is still enough left in my M to fight for it, children are also involved. I think people get caught up in their emotions and the moment and really don't think about what will happen or lives being affected. It's like a rash decision, at least mine was. I believe both people have to be vulnerable to have an A.
Samantha0905 Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 I think in many cases it's not planned out. When a person is unhappy/lonely and communication is poor or non-existent, they open themselves up to being susceptible to temptation. They may meet someone as a friend, then the casual flirtations begin. As time goes on, lust sets in. Then comes the very poor choice. It's like a snowball heading to Hell. I'm not excusing it. The fix for that situation is to communicate well and not to put oneself continually in a situation which tempts you.
BlueeyedJonesy Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Selfishness, personality disorders, lack of self respect, constant need of gratification..and cowards. If you have problems in your marriage, TALK ABOUT THEM! If that doesn't work exit stage left..its that simple.
ladydesigner Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Selfishness, personality disorders, lack of self respect, constant need of gratification..and cowards. If you have problems in your marriage, TALK ABOUT THEM! If that doesn't work exit stage left..its that simple. It really isn't that simple, especially when kids are involved and you really do not want to divorce. Sometimes talking about problems in the marriage have already been discussed such as my own, then put my H cheating on me on top of that and viola!!! But I understand where you are coming from. I am a BS as well so I sort of see things from both sides and both sides suck.
silverplanets Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 A lot of married people present themselves as anything but to start with ... If you're not experienced, strong and on your toes you can quite easily get taken in .. first time around. Never again for me though.
Author Jeff1962 Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 Well my story is a bit different but I got involved with a man who had a long term girlfriend. My H had been distant and moody for many years and I felt disconnected to him. I brought it up to him time and again and he never changed. At work I was beginning to feel an emotional connection to my co-worker (xOM) and when I discovered my H's A I pursued this co-worker to have a revenge affair. My A was not right, but I did feel better about getting even. The thing I did not expect to happen was to fall so hard for xOM. Anyways these situations are never easy. If I could do this again I would go to IC and get myself straightened out. I might have left my marriage. Currently I have felt there is still enough left in my M to fight for it, children are also involved. I think people get caught up in their emotions and the moment and really don't think about what will happen or lives being affected. It's like a rash decision, at least mine was. I believe both people have to be vulnerable to have an A. Ladydesigner. You must have been really hurt over your H's A. See, this is the first thing that would come to my mind if I ever found out that my wife had an A. I'd be like, I'm going to screw your best friend and make it hurt. I also know that this is not right. It all leads to heart break. It is sad that when one partner tries to communicate and the other is not in the right place to listen. It is sad that we do not take enough time to honestly listen to eachother. We get so wrapped up in ourselves that we forget other people even though we know what it is like to be forgotten ourselves. Good reply.
Author Jeff1962 Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 A lot of married people present themselves as anything but to start with ... If you're not experienced, strong and on your toes you can quite easily get taken in .. first time around. Never again for me though. Sorry to hear that this happend to you. I think you are better off without him.
zwieback.toast Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Although culturally we are officially monogamous, I believe there is a very strong primitive biological urge to basically screw anything that moves, on the part of both sexes. That's really the only explanation for some of the outrageous rutting that goes on in these affairs.
HappyAtLast Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 ... That's really the only explanation for some of the outrageous rutting that goes on in these affairs. The last line of your post actually made me laugh out loud. Thanks, I needed that today.
on1wheel Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 If you don't like monogamy, don't get married. If you make a promise, then keep it. There are too many selfish people. I'd like to have sex with other women, but I just don't. Cheating starts in your mind, so stop it there.
viennawaits Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I worked with MM. I am MW. We went to a company retreat and things happened. I am not proud of what I did. I lived in a sexless marriage for 10 years with a man 20 years older than me who was also an alcoholic. None of this is a justification, but you asked why, and these are some of the reasons in my case, good or bad. If I could turn back the clock, I would gladly do it.
skylarblue Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Simple. I didn’t leave my bf (now ex) instead of cheating because I didn’t want to leave him. I wanted to have the R (though I knew it was kinda over) and still sleep with someone else I was attracted to. MM feels the same way. He doesn’t want to get a divorce, but he wants to see someone on the side. Neither him nor I allowed or wanted the same liberties to apply to our SO.
SleepingDog Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I don't understand either. Early in my M I was offered an "opportunity." While away on a business trip, one member of teh new team was a beautiful woman. Although we both immediately said we had a partner, there was chemistry from the start. We ended up drinking and chatting one evening. Things could have easily gone wrong there (or right, depending on your perspective). What stopped me were two thoughts. I had to think about how my wife would feel, if she knew. I also thought about her boyfriend, what he would feel and that I didn't want to do that to another guy. So I didn't make a move, neither did she. I suppose if you are starting an affair you don't think about these consequences or don't care enough about them. You can't think ahead and lack a moral warning flag that says "watch it". After my wife's A she said "it just happened" one evening in her case, and once she had started, she felt a line had crossed and it didn't matter how long it went on for or what she did with him. I told my wife bout this case of chemistry as an example that sure, everyone's human, but you don't HAVE to give in to temptation. Crazily enough she used it against me: "See, you too have been attracted to other women". That's what I mean by lacking a flag. I wouldn't be a guy if I wasn't still attracted to other women. Not being able to see the difference between attraction and cheating shows your moral view of the world is an odd one. The OM, on the other hand, felt he had done nothing wrong: it was my wife's decision to have the affair and the consequences are for her. So basically I'd put it down to selfishness, self absorbdness, lack of compassion for the third party and an incapability to see the consequences o actions. Not that these people are like that all the time, but they certainly are when the affair starts. By that time self-justification kicks in.
HappyAtLast Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 (edited) Simple. I didn’t leave my bf (now ex) instead of cheating because I didn’t want to leave him. I wanted to have the R (though I knew it was kinda over) and still sleep with someone else I was attracted to. MM feels the same way. He doesn’t want to get a divorce, but he wants to see someone on the side. Neither him nor I allowed or wanted the same liberties to apply to our SO. Well, skylar, that is quite a post there. Very interesting perspective... Edited February 10, 2010 by HappyAtLast typographical error
Woman In Blue Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 That seems to be the way people do things in today's world. It's an instant gratification society - they don't even think twice about it. What always amazes me is women who say they have no time for a regular committed relationship, so occasionally having sex with a married man "fits their lifestyle." Puke. There are PLENTY of single guys looking for NSA sex so that flimsy excuse holds no water at all.
HappyAtLast Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Even as a former wandering spouse I still am a bit taken aback by the post. (realizing the irony in that, I suppose).
HappyAtLast Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I just read a post by skylar on the OW board. It appears that she was describing her feelings at the time of her affair, not her feelings now. I believe she was just being honest and has since changed her views.
carhill Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 What always amazes me is women who say they have no time for a regular committed relationship, so occasionally having sex with a married man "fits their lifestyle."Generally, married people are less likely to leave their marriage, especially if it's mostly beneficial, and start a new relationship. A single person, without a relationship, is more likely to want and pursue one. If the woman does not wish that, it's easier to manage an affair with a MM than have NSA sex with other single men. She gets her needs fulfilled and, like Lizzie says, the man never parks his shoes under her bed. As a single OM, I was not aware the MW was married for a couple months. She didn't wear a ring and didn't talk about a husband. Retrospectively, I was used to detach from an affair she was having with her boss, though I didn't know this until years later. I wanted a relationship and was therefore difficult to manage, so she exited the situation without explanation. Many, many years later, becoming a MM stemmed primarily from three areas: Emotional distance from my wife (now stbx) Caring for my terminally ill mother (I think my wife's distance was a result of this) Having weak boundaries What I learned was to never let my love bank run so low that it's gasping, and grasping, for anything to keep it alive. If a relationship is not beneficial nor healthy, end it. MC helped identify and build healthy boundaries. Wish I had participated in it years ago.
seren Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 People bump into me in the street and say sorry even though it didn't hurt, spill a drink over me and say sorry, even ring the wrong number and say sorry, all accidental, none of which hurt - but people who choose to carry on seeing someone who is married (yes know H has responsibility too) turn my world upside down, affect the rest of my life, contribute to the greatest hurt of my life, continue to do that knowing it will hurt me, my children purposely and not be in the slightest bit sorry - that takes a real special type of person. Personally, if I met someone who was married and the 'chemistry' was too much and we were in love, I would say sort your life out first and then come find me. See I get the A's that are for love and the MP leaves, anything else is just bat**** and yes, I include H's affair in all a that. ETA just love the fact that I can say all sorts of things but the word **** gets beeped out, oh the irony.
delirious Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 ................Personally, if I met someone who was married and the 'chemistry' was too much and we were in love, I would say sort your life out first and then come find me. See I get the A's that are for love and the MP leaves, anything else is just bat**** and yes, I include H's affair in all a that. ETA just love the fact that I can say all sorts of things but the word **** gets beeped out, oh the irony. Well it is simply that, you HAVE NEVER MET ANYONE AND NEVER FELT THAT for the first time in your life maybe, so you can never know what you would do. Easy to say, not easy to do. you have to be there. Oh what's the point, you can't describe colours to a blind person. Most MW are not like Skylarblue and most OW on LS are not like her. If you ever find that you love someone that much, try letting it go. In reality most people never do meet someone who totally changes their life and make them do what they would never have imagined they would.
carhill Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 In reality most people never do meet someone who totally changes their life and make them do what they would never have imagined they would. Very possibly. It took me over 25 years, OM and MM, to finally accept that the connection was unhealthy and let go. The other party in my prior post was the same person. Whatever 'it' is, I'll feel it until I'm dead, but I refuse to let it rule me.
delirious Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Very possibly. It took me over 25 years, OM and MM, to finally accept that the connection was unhealthy and let go. The other party in my prior post was the same person. Whatever 'it' is, I'll feel it until I'm dead, but I refuse to let it rule me. Gosh how profound, that is sad
carhill Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 A good deal of the story is contained in my journals here. Like a now-banned poster recently opined, my experiences with women have been a disaster. Oh, the stories I could tell. However, the good news is, as long as there is life, there is room for growth and health. Own the 'bad' and make life better. I'll stick to verified single ladies from now on.
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