Techniques for getting an unwilling spouse to go to counseling

[Gerhard]

I've been trying to get my wife to go with me to marital counseling for several months, but everything I try to get her to go falls upon deaf ears. What are some techniques to get an unwilling spouse to go to counseling?

[TaraMaiden]

Spring it on her as a surprise, then tell her that if she doesn't go through with this with you, she can pack her bags and go back East.

 

Sayonara.

or whatever.....

[zwieback.toast]

I've been trying to get my wife to go with me to marital counseling for several months, but everything I try to get her to go falls upon deaf ears. What are some techniques to get an unwilling spouse to go to counseling?

 

 

O.K. First you realize that you can't really "force" anyone to go to MC; and even if you can physically get them there, that's no guarantee they'll meaningfully participate in the process. With those caveats in mind--

 

How do you physically get her to go to MC?

 

Well, you can wheedle and nag her, but that's probably not going to be good for whatever your relationship problems are even if she gives in to that.

 

You could bribe her, give her a quid pro quo, like pay her $50 to go to a counseling session. That's probably not such a good idea either.

 

Since I'm assuming you actually do need MC and she's being resistive to the notion, then a little reverse psychology might be in order, like you would use with a small child. (Don't tell her you're doing this obviously.)

 

--Tell her that you're going to schedule the MC and you're going by yourself but she's welcome to come too. And tell her if she doesn't come, you're going to go to MC and deliberately blame all your marital problems on her, tell the MC all her flaws as a spouse and how she's wrecking your marriage; and if she's not there, she won't be able to defend herself. And that will be just fine with you.

 

That'll work. She won't be happy, but as long as she doesn't realize you're manipulating her, she'll go to MC.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I hate to be pessimistic, but it is utterly yseless to drag an unwilling spouse into MC. You can benifit from going alone though.

[rina_r]

If the other part doesnt want to go, it wont be effective evem if you drag them there. They will sit there and lie, or not talk at all. Been there, done that with my ex who came back from war with PTSD.

[Ronni_W]

G,

I'm sorry to hear that your wife will not actively participate in growing your marriage, or help you take care of meeting mutual and your individual needs, dreams and goals. It's beyond me when a spouse fails to take responsibility for her/his 100% part in supporting, encouraging and uplifting the partnership!

 

As others have pointed out, you do not have any power over her adult decisions and choices. She obviously does not want to go and/or does not see the value in going. You have no other power or (sane) option but to accept this as her truth and your mutual reality. Any powers of influence or persuasion that you may have had at one point no longer exist.

 

You do have the power, and are perfectly entitled to make new decisions for yourself based on her attitude towards you and the marital relationship.

 

You stay or you go. If you choose to stay, you'll have to give up your desire/need for her to attend counseling with you. It's the only sane thing. Flogging this dead horse will only bring you more disappointment and frustration and, if you do end up staying, will only make your future life together worse/less satisfying than it already appears to be (for both of you.)

 

Hugs, G. You sound like such a decent guy, with high hopes and so committed to making your marriage work. I'll offer prayers that somehow your Miracle will happen. But, failing that...no point being stubborn and prideful either, right? Sometimes we just gotta admit that the Fat Lady has sung her last note. Sad and unfortunate as that is.

Edited February 4, 2010 by Ronni_W