Wife using poor judgement when it comes to throwing away things

[Gerhard]

My wife will periodically throw away things that still have some usefulness. I've told her perhaps a half dozen times to check with me before throwing something away other than obvious things like kitchen trash or bathroom trash. But not only do I continue to periodically find things in the trash that shouldn't be there, when I politely ask her to check with me first, she doesn't apologize and says nothing to indicate she'll try to use better judgement in the future. What to do?

[TaraMaiden]

Like what, f'r instance?

What has she thrown away that is so important, that you feel compelled to chwck the trash, pull it back out and hold on to it?

[2sure]

My ex husband made a habit, for some reason, of checking the trash in our home. He would occasionally confront with a piece of paper or item that he would question.

 

After that, I started depositing all of the garbage on his desk.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh lordy, hang on....It's Gerhard again..., the young Asian wife with insecurities about his ex-wife, and the religious expectations....

 

And here we are, playing the dominant-submissive control games again....

 

....is there anything we're not going to cover with you, Gerhard?

[2sure]

Oh yeah...the new wife didnt like his hanging on to momentos and photos of his ex wife, with whom he had no children.

[Jeff1962]

Ruhh-rooah Raggy. Someone has been outed.

 

Jeepers.

[2sunny]

ok - i'll go against the grain and my general advice i give to you G -

 

who cares? give her her own way - give her anything she wants - whenever she wants it!

 

THEN you won't have anything to complain about... since you are so hell bent and determined to stay with this crazy girl who intends to make you miserable... i'll give you this - at least she tries to give you something to complain about.

 

just give her anything and everything if you want to stay married. :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

[sally4sara]

If I left it to my husband to assess the usefulness of every item I tossed out, we wouldn't even have room to sit down. Its like he is a Depression Era kid in a 80s child body.

 

Maybe you're a pack rat. Unless you are going to give examples in your OP, what advise can be given?

[Trialbyfire]

Gerhard, why is your marriage all about "making" the other person do what you want them to do? Can't the two of you sit down and have an adult discussion?

 

As I've expressed before, this marriage is sadly lacking in trust and respect.

[2sure]

G -

 

Just stop going through the garbage looking for things to criticize.

You and your new wife seem to make each other paranoid or something. Why not just enjoy her? Why not ditch whatever she wants if it makes her happy? Ditch the towels that have holes, ditch the pictures of Niagara Falls with the ex wife, ditch the letters, etc. WHO CARES? Do you want them just to piss off your new wife?? Are you afraid you are going to forget being at Niagara Falls? What is it man?

 

Your wife, if I recall, sounded like she was happy to let you be the more dominant partner here, or at least the one in charge and thats fine...but that role comes with the responsibility of making the other partner feel completely secure and taken care of. To look for reasons to criticize her, to make her feel insecure for no reason....

 

I mean, what?

[Samantha0905]

You're going through the garbage?

 

The only things I don't throw away as I would have question as to whether he wanted me to or not are the items in/on my husband's vanity area. We have separate sinks and he keeps his own side clean.

 

I would laugh out loud if my husband picked stuff out of the trash and made the remark it wasn't ready to be thrown away yet.

 

If I were your wife, I'd keep everything you pulled out of the trash and give it to you for your birthday and Christmas. Valentine's is coming up! After all, you says it's stuff that's still useful.

[TaraMaiden]

Because donna, if you look at all - but ALL - of his previous threads, he seems intent on controlling her like a child, she seems intent on being petulant, spoilt and wilful, and furthermore, every and any scrap of advice given, finds him arguing and countermanding that said bit of advice.

He's a lot older than her, and it seems like a dad/kid relationship, far more than one of a sensible married couple....

It's crazy.....

[2sunny]

my exH did that too, but with anything i loved - he made sure he got rid of it! including but not limited to an antique rocking chair, a car, a house - i could go on and on.

 

i should have gotten rid of HIM instead of wasting 23 years of my life with a man like that just because i didn't believe in divorce.

[Samantha0905]

I don't know why you guys are giving him such a hard time. Isn't this the same woman who wants tons of money spent on her too? And she's tossing stuff he'd rather she not toss? Maybe SHE can start buying all the stuff if she's so eager to throw it away while buying NEW stuff.

 

My ex threw away a perfectly good pair of 80 watt Pioneer car stereo speakers in really nice boxes. They were MY f'ing speakers, and they were in MY damn garage! Unfortunately, I didn't know about it until it was too late. I was looking for them to put in my car, and he told me. One of the reasons he's my ex. POS!

 

I was assuming he meant like that last squeeze of toothpaste or something.

 

Pioneer speakers that belong to you is entirely different.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

For a minute I had to make sure this wasn't my H when I read it..LOL I hate clutter and JUNK. He had a box that had 15 old school power strips in it that someone had left behind in our new house..I threw away 5 and he FLIPPED..dug them outta the trash and said "I can sell these you know" they are still in MY side of the closet and have been for a while now..so I know where your wife is coming from if shes throwing away stuff like that.

[Trialbyfire]

"My wife is an evil witch since she won't do what I tell her to, including going to marriage counselling".

 

The above is a dramatic one-liner for how I perceive your marriage, Gerhard. It takes two to tango.

[Gerhard]

G -

 

Just stop going through the garbage looking for things to criticize.

 

I don't usually rummage through the garbage. The latest thing I noticed I observed when I was tossing something into the trash.

 

You and your new wife seem to make each other paranoid or something.

I don't know what she would have to be fearful of. But if she continues to use poor judgement when throwing things away, it puts me in a situation where I have to go through the trash every week to ensure that things that shouldn't be thrown away don't get thrown away. And if I look for something and can't find it, I have to operate under the assumption that it could likely have been thrown away - a possibility I don't have to consider if she uses good judgement.

 

Why not just enjoy her?

I do and she enjoys me. But there is that ~5% of the time when things don't go right and the associated issues need to be addressed. She doesn't want to talk about them, yet I think they should be discussed.

 

Why not ditch whatever she wants if it makes her happy?

Because she's shown a propensity such that if I give her an inch, she wants a foot. If I give her a foot, she wants a yard. And if I give her a yard, she wants a mile.

 

Ditch the towels that have holes, ditch the pictures of Niagara Falls with the ex wife, ditch the letters, etc. WHO CARES? Do you want them just to piss off your new wife?? Are you afraid you are going to forget being at Niagara Falls? What is it man?

I've removed all the things which have photos of my ex-wife. The things she is throwing away which I'm referring to in this thread have nothing to do with my ex-wife. They might be things like a perfectly useful screwdriver set, a fleece blanket which is in good condition, a cleaning kit; a never used first aid kid, etc.

 

Your wife, if I recall, sounded like she was happy to let you be the more dominant partner here, or at least the one in charge and thats fine...but that role comes with the responsibility of making the other partner feel completely secure and taken care of. To look for reasons to criticize her, to make her feel insecure for no reason....

I'm not quite sure what you're getting at here. Perhaps you could elaborate. For the most part, she's perfectly happy with me being the one who makes the decisions.

[Gerhard]

You're going through the garbage?

 

The only things I don't throw away as I would have question as to whether he wanted me to or not are the items in/on my husband's vanity area. We have separate sinks and he keeps his own side clean.

 

I would laugh out loud if my husband picked stuff out of the trash and made the remark it wasn't ready to be thrown away yet.

 

If I were your wife, I'd keep everything you pulled out of the trash and give it to you for your birthday and Christmas. Valentine's is coming up! After all, you says it's stuff that's still useful.

Let's say you have a perfectly good makeup kit or set of ear rings which you hadn't used in six months or a year and don't have any intention or desire to throw away. Or perhaps you bought some tools for use in the household. You then see that these items are in the garbage can. You approach your husband and either ask that he check w/you before throwing away such things or ask that he try to use better judgement before throwing something away. Instead of apologizing or accepting accountability, he then cops an attitude towards you. Would you then feel comfortable about your valuables not getting thrown away?

[Gerhard]

I don't know why you guys are giving him such a hard time. Isn't this the same woman who wants tons of money spent on her too? And she's tossing stuff he'd rather she not toss? Maybe SHE can start buying all the stuff if she's so eager to throw it away while buying NEW stuff.

 

My ex threw away a perfectly good pair of 80 watt Pioneer car stereo speakers in really nice boxes. They were MY f'ing speakers, and they were in MY damn garage! Unfortunately, I didn't know about it until it was too late. I was looking for them to put in my car, and he told me. One of the reasons he's my ex. POS!

What your husband did with the Pioneer speakers is an amplified (no pun intended) version of what my wife is doing. What my wife sees as having no value or purpose isn't the same as what I see as having no value or purpose. I don't see that she would throw away something that's brand new and still in its original package. But for example, she will throw away a half used container of wax for my car or perhaps the tire pressure gage.

[Samantha0905]

Let's say you have a perfectly good makeup kit or set of ear rings which you hadn't used in six months or a year and don't have any intention or desire to throw away. Or perhaps you bought some tools for use in the household. You then see that these items are in the garbage can. You approach your husband and either ask that he check w/you before throwing away such things or ask that he try to use better judgement before throwing something away. Instead of apologizing or accepting accountability, he then cops an attitude towards you. Would you then feel comfortable about your valuables not getting thrown away?

 

Sorry Gerhard -- I thought you mean like just when general cleaning is going on. My husband and I don't throw each others belongings away. Even in the case of power strips, as mentioned earlier, I would ask him before throwing them out just in case he was saving them for something in particular or felt like he needed them.

 

Pardon me for being lighthearted about your belongings.

[Gerhard]

Sorry Gerhard -- I thought you mean like just when general cleaning is going on. My husband and I don't throw each others belongings away. Even in the case of power strips, as mentioned earlier, I would ask him before throwing them out just in case he was saving them for something in particular or felt like he needed them.

 

Pardon me for being lighthearted about your belongings.

You are doing precisely what I would expect of my wife or any person should expect of their spouse. Just because the power strip looks old or beat up doesn't mean it should be thrown away. He could have a reason for saving it that you're not aware of. That is why I encourage my wife to check with me before throwing something away.

[sally4sara]

I've removed all the things which have photos of my ex-wife. The things she is throwing away which I'm referring to in this thread have nothing to do with my ex-wife. They might be things like a perfectly useful screwdriver set, a fleece blanket which is in good condition, a cleaning kit; a never used first aid kid, etc.

I'm not quite sure what you're getting at here. Perhaps you could elaborate. For the most part, she's perfectly happy with me being the one who makes the decisions.

 

Perhaps the blanket felt scratchy or was ugly to her. Maybe you have tons of blankets and she felt it was the one that could be tossed for space. Maybe the first aid kit was old and contained expired items. Maybe the cleaning kit contained items she feels are not effective or contain harmful substance. Maybe you have tons of screwdrivers just like the ones she tossed.

 

Is she a housewife? If she is, why not just let her set up the house the way she wants for her convenience?

 

Why is her judgment of the usefulness of these items discounted immediately? You make a judgment about them and expect your judgment = good and sound, but do you extend this to her judgment? When do you let her judgment stand when it conflicts with your own? Ever?

If never, I think I'd feel really disrespected in this marriage. I'd expect marital counseling to consist of YOU telling the therapist what is wrong with HER. I wouldn't want to go either. And if YOU are the one paying the therapist, she probably expects the therapist to follow your lead just like you expect her to follow your lead and fire any who did not.

[Ronni_W]

That is why I encourage my wife to check with me before throwing something away.

G,

"Encouragement" only works with people who WANT and are trying real hard to be cooperative, collaborative and good teammates-partners.

 

That is NOT your wife. You keep expecting from her what she has time after time demonstrated that she does not have the capacity to give you.

 

It stops being her problem and becomes your obstinate, stubborn, irrational refusal to see and accept her attitude towards you for what it really is.

 

How many mountains of evidence do you want to accumulate, G? She is not interested in working out the bugs in your relationship or finding ways to compromise or to satisfy your idiosyncrasies.

 

The woman you chose to be your wife does not have all the traits, desires, goals and skills that you, apparently, need and want your wife to possess. YOU need to face the facts and reality. These are YOUR facts of YOUR choice and decision to marry this woman. It's a reality you chose for yourself (by choosing her.) THIS is part of that package you made your vows to.

 

I feel for you. I should not like to have a partner who so deliberately and continuously ignores me and my feelings, pleas and material goods. But Holy Hannah, my good man. Smell your coffee. It is what it is. You CHOSE this (by choosing her.) THIS is part of that package you made your vows to.

[2sure]

Ok. So, since you are only on the verge of feeling you have to go through the garbage , I'll try to cut you a break - because seriously, to do so would be the ultimate in passive aggressiveness and paranoia, besides being just unattractive, small, and gross.

 

So , since you are not there and dont want to go there....

 

For the items like blankets, tools, speakers, etc etc...why are they going in the trash anyway?? Unneeded household goods and clothing in my house are put into a bag or box in the garage and when its full I call the salvation army to come pick it up, or I drop it in a good will box. I also get a receipt and use the deduction. During the course of the month or so it takes to fill the box - my H or daughter are more than welcome to take a look in it and see if there is anything they want to salvage.

 

Why just toss it every week? Donate it. If they still have life, why not?