Hot Carl Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Actually one thing worth considering. The problem is that he's putting time with you into the mix of time he thinks he has available to spend working. If he can be convinced that that's not an option, then he'll just procrastinate with the rest of the time. He'll never not procrastinate, but he could adjust his calculations a bit.
CLC2008 Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 "He doesn't love me enough to stop alcohol abuse or smoking".That’s not really a fair comparison is it? I realize both are addictions (work vs. substance abuse) but substance abuse and work commitments are two totally separate issues. I think it’s safe to say most relationships have a cycle. Kamille feels neglected, and she’s starting to emotionally shut down. The couple will either overcome the obstacles together, or they won’t and one ends up leaving the other, or in some cases, the person cheats and puts the final nail in the coffin. Though I agree, 4 days is nothing. But maybe there’s more to it….and for you, that is what you’re trying to figure out?
Trialbyfire Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 That’s not really a fair comparison is it? I realize both are addictions (work vs. substance abuse) but substance abuse and work commitments are two totally separate issues. I think it’s safe to say most relationships have a cycle. Kamille feels neglected, and she’s starting to emotionally shut down. The couple will either overcome the obstacles together, or they won’t and one ends up leaving the other, or in some cases, the person cheats and puts the final nail in the coffin.It's less the substance and more the rationale behind changing for relationships. It's what men complain about, the old adage about women wanting men to change and men wanting women, never to change. Kamille can ask for anything she wants. Whether he's willing or even able to change, is up to him. This is an unresolved issue, since it's cropped up more than once.
Author Kamille Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 Thank you everyone for your input and the discussion. We ended up talking last night (he asked if he could come over after my plans were done). We talked about how we each felt. I can't say that anything has been resolved. He feels I am over-reacting a little bit (along the lines of 1) I knew he had a deadline and 2) it was only 5 days). I told him I needed him to factor me in and make time for me even when it was crunch time. He tried to explain crunch time and how crabby he gets under pressure. Anyway... Looks like we'll have to see how what happens next time he has a deadline. We said we would each try to handle it better. But, as an aside, he did show up at my office this morning to bring me a latte from my favorite café. But you mentioned that you are moving to Europe, and I am assuming that otherwise you have a great relationship in every other respect, could he be internalizing your move and throwing himself at work and allowing his ways to extend his responsibilities so that it cuts into your time as an outlet for emotions he is bottling up about your move? In other words he is fueled by fear and this is how he reacts? I hadn't thought about that and he hasn't brought it up. The move is also stalling us as a couple, I'll admit. It adds a lot of uncertainty as to a future together. But it really sounds like it's in his core to just disappear when he has a deadline. One thing I had read about procrastinators is that it stems from having one or two parents that were overbearing and controlling and this prevents them from developing the right coping skills to autonomously regulate themselves in situations, so they learn to put things off as a way of rebellion. This was very true for my ex who had an extremely controlling father growing up. My bf also had an extremely controlling father, so that makes sense to me. So specifically, what would a good compromise/solution look like to you? Would it suffice if he factored in time for you, despite the work crunch, and made sure he kept it? Or do you need for him to change the way he handles his other commitments? . It would suffice if he factored in time. Kamille, I'm going to throw in this statement and then wander off. But I feel this is a good reminder of past relationships: "He doesn't love me enough to stop alcohol abuse or smoking". Interesting insight. One of the thing I struggle with is that his needing to take 5 days for himself made me feel really insecure. To the point where I was exasperated and angry and wanted to shut him out. So to me it isn't clear whether the issue is compatibility or if it's an insecurity I need to tackle on my own. We talked about this last night. I mean, today I agree that my reaction was out of proportion. Not that I was wrong for being angry that he had double-booked himself, but that I didn't have to put my self-esteem on the line because of it. I'm afraid he won't change, Kamille. In fact, you can expect to drop another priority level or two as the relationship matures. Exactly the fear that makes me insecure. I have yet to let go of the 'is-he-into-me' meter. I think this a reaction to the fact that my first relationship was with a commitmentphobe. I think it’s safe to say most relationships have a cycle. Kamille feels neglected, and she’s starting to emotionally shut down. The couple will either overcome the obstacles together, or they won’t and one ends up leaving the other, or in some cases, the person cheats and puts the final nail in the coffin. Though I agree, 4 days is nothing. But maybe there’s more to it….and for you, that is what you’re trying to figure out? Thanks CLC2008 . Technically it was 5 days we were going to go without seeing each other, but I agree that it isn't that much. I think there is more to it, namely that I struggle with insecurity. And that we had had an amazing Friday-Saturday date together and that he went into crunch time precisely when I felt really close and intimate with him. We've brainstormed a few ways of handling crunch time... Like working together, sleeping over regardless. He's afraid it would be too distracting.
Els Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Kamille, is your problem mainly frustration that he doesn't put in the effort to space his work out more, or that you don't get to see him for days on end sometimes? Are you tired of his procrastination, or unhappy that 'he went into crunch time precisely when I felt really close and intimate with him'? If it's the latter, I'm afraid your LDR will not work - might as well call it quits from the start. If not being able to see him for days at a time makes you unhappy, how will you handle weeks and months? Frankly, as someone who consistently has to wait at least 6 months at a time to see my bf, I truly can't understand the trouble about 5 days. Should it really be such a dealbreaker that one's partner procrastinates work and therefore is unavailable sometimes?
Trialbyfire Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Kamille, if I came across as attempting to invalidate your feelings, that wasn't my intent. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings and yes, they're valid. But the issues I see, is about perception of his actions and desire to change his actions, to accommodate. You know that his intent is not to hurt or harm. His procrastination is a character trait of his. Previous to crunch time, he's given you the time and attention, and has explained why he needs time to get things done, rather than just withdrawing and ignoring you without any explanation. IMO, that's an acceptable level of communication and also, that your needs are being addressed, to a degree. Do you honestly feel that he needs to change his character trait, to accommodate? Btw, I've been where you are, so I'm not trying to put you down. If anything, I can empathize. Where the situation differed, was that I offered him time to get things done and he refused, then out of the blue, just withdrew. A total lose/lose situation.
Author Kamille Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 Note to all: I just started my period... yeah so ah hmm.... F-n hormones. Kamille, is your problem mainly frustration that he doesn't put in the effort to space his work out more, or that you don't get to see him for days on end sometimes? Are you tired of his procrastination, or unhappy that 'he went into crunch time precisely when I felt really close and intimate with him'? If it's the latter, I'm afraid your LDR will not work - might as well call it quits from the start. If not being able to see him for days at a time makes you unhappy, how will you handle weeks and months? Frankly, as someone who consistently has to wait at least 6 months at a time to see my bf, I truly can't understand the trouble about 5 days. Should it really be such a dealbreaker that one's partner procrastinates work and therefore is unavailable sometimes? Yes... It is the days on end thing and yes I do worry about the LDR. Yet, we've been apart for a few weeks here and there and somehow I seem to manage better because he usually finds time to send me cute emails when I am away, a thing he doesn't do when we are in the same town. Hmmm.... Eureka, maybe all I need during crunch time is a cute email. Kamille, if I came across as attempting to invalidate your feelings, that wasn't my intent. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings and yes, they're valid. No not at all, I don't feel like anyone in this thread are invalidating my feelings, even when they point out that for them it was only a short period of time. I think that right now what matters most is that he was receptive to my feelings, without blindly giving into them. He allows for not always rational feelings in the relationship, which is a nice change from most of my past serious Rs (where I would get shot down for 'not being rational'.) But the issues I see, is about perception of his actions and desire to change his actions, to accommodate. You know that his intent is not to hurt or harm. His procrastination is a character trait of his. Previous to crunch time, he's given you the time and attention, and has explained why he needs time to get things done, rather than just withdrawing and ignoring you without any explanation. IMO, that's an acceptable level of communication and also, that your needs are being addressed, to a degree. Great point. I just want to clarify that part of the misunderstanding was this. He felt that by telling me about the deadline, I would understand that he didn't have time for me. I hadn't understood it that way and was therefore at a loss to see him disappear for a few days. Now I know what he means, so perhaps next time I won't be taken aback. Do you honestly feel that he needs to change his character trait, to accommodate? interesting insight again. Rationally, no, but emotionally yes. But I realize that the emotional component stems from my own insecurities. Whether I choose an emotionally unavailable man (such as alcoholic ex) or am with a more balanced partner (bf), I subconsciously think they need to change in order to prove their love for me. Interesting insight and definitely something I need to work on. No idea how, however.
alphamale Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 and yes he has a board meeting tonight that he most likely forgot about...) how does one "forget" about a board meeting one has to run?? something is fishy here
Author Kamille Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 how does one "forget" about a board meeting one has to run?? something is fishy here Oh, we figured that one out last night. It's called not writing down romantic dates in day planner. He says he'll start doing it.
alphamale Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Oh, we figured that one out last night. It's called not writing down romantic dates in day planner. He says he'll start doing it. your bf sounds like a boob
Author Kamille Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 your bf sounds like a boob My boob! oh wait. That doesn't sound right.
Trialbyfire Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 I think that right now what matters most is that he was receptive to my feelings, without blindly giving into them. He allows for not always rational feelings in the relationship, which is a nice change from most of my past serious Rs (where I would get shot down for 'not being rational'.)Okay, that clarifies things for me. Great point. I just want to clarify that part of the misunderstanding was this. He felt that by telling me about the deadline, I would understand that he didn't have time for me. I hadn't understood it that way and was therefore at a loss to see him disappear for a few days. Now I know what he means, so perhaps next time I won't be taken aback. Once again, this clarifies the difference in perception. interesting insight again. Rationally, no, but emotionally yes. But I realize that the emotional component stems from my own insecurities. Whether I choose an emotionally unavailable man (such as alcoholic ex) or am with a more balanced partner (bf), I subconsciously think they need to change in order to prove their love for me. Interesting insight and definitely something I need to work on. No idea how, however.There's a fine line with being considered a priority, where actions reflect this, hence no feelings of insecurities arise and also, needing someone to prove themselves to you. I had an experience with needing to prove myself to someone and found it impossible to handle. If anything, I found it eroded on the relationship, since in some ways, it was like walking on eggshells, wondering when some form of disbelief would arise again. It felt like a power play since no matter how high I jumped, it was never enough. If you care about him, try in some way to find a way to mitigate this, by catching yourself when you do it. If I see it in your posts, I will try to illustrate it for you, if that's your preference. If not, I'll back off.
sonicranger Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 This is a compatibility issue, Kamille. I'm not saying throw the baby out with the bathwater but to ask someone to change something core in them, which this is since it's about the way he handles life, is asking for a lot. This sums it up very well in my opinion. If he has this job "forever" or at least a similar role, expectation etc. Then can you seriously put aside this "roller coaster" of available free time because of his job duties??? You obviously don't live together and from the sounds of it you should be glad you don't. He's working for 3,4,5 days in a row on a presentation and you sharing that space with him sounds catastrophic. Also, are you really sure that is what he's doing? I hate being the dark side of the coin but is he just going out with other girls and his buddies for a few days in a row, saying he's busy with work so he doesn't have to explain it?
Ariadne Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 I feel that his work gets in the way of us growing as a couple...I am about ready to call it quits. They say back home in reference to soccer: What love to the jersey!
Els Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 Note to all: I just started my period... yeah so ah hmm.... F-n hormones. Yes... It is the days on end thing and yes I do worry about the LDR. Yet, we've been apart for a few weeks here and there and somehow I seem to manage better because he usually finds time to send me cute emails when I am away, a thing he doesn't do when we are in the same town. Hmmm.... Eureka, maybe all I need during crunch time is a cute email. Oh! Yes, perhaps, you should bring that up... since you're both in the same town, I'm sure a phone call won't cost too much either. He can do it while he's in the loo, too, if he's that busy!
Author Kamille Posted February 6, 2010 Author Posted February 6, 2010 Also, are you really sure that is what he's doing? I hate being the dark side of the coin but is he just going out with other girls and his buddies for a few days in a row, saying he's busy with work so he doesn't have to explain it? He does get the grants, the scolarships and I saw the paper for the presentation. If he is sneaking out on me that he's incredibly masterful about it.
Recommended Posts