Kamille Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Bf and I have a recurring issue: I feel that his work gets in the way of us growing as a couple. I've talked about this in the past (to him and here) and we cannot seem to find a balance. I am about ready to call it quits. This week he was working on a presentation. I understand how stressful they can be. I do them too. Only, our working styles are very different. I labor everyday at what I do, he procrastinates (on everything) and therefore feels that he has to disappear for days on end. Only stuff piles up so he's always in some kind of work emergency or other. This is what's affecting our relationship: I'm asked to patiently wait while he pulls all-nighters for days on end and then takes days to recuperate. The straw that broke the camel's back is that after disappearing for days because of a presentation he had to do yesterday, he just texted me to tell me he had forgotten about a board meeting he's supposed to lead tonight and that he therefore needs to cancel our date. We haven't seen each other since Saturday. (He didn't want to make any plans with me because he was too stressed out about work and the one time he called me to see if I could grab a cup of coffee, I was out watching a movie with friends). I'm so mad right now that I don't even want to talk to him. I'm thinking I ought to approach this with him at a time when I am calm, but right now I'm starting to feel like as much as I like the guy, I can't keep hoping he will suddenly be more available. Anyone have thoughts or advice? (And no he isn't cheating and yes he has a board meeting tonight that he most likely forgot about...)
bayouboi Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Hehe, I read your post followed by your sig.
Author Kamille Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 Hehe, I read your post followed by your sig. Guess I'm done waiting. Might have to change the sig.
Green Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Hehe, I read your post followed by your sig. It is kind of funny when you read it like that. But what her sig probably means is you can't rush the brush of an artist... not continue to date people who make you feel bad. I can tell Kamile does not want to end things with this man, but the way he has been treating her is making her very sad so now she questions what the point is. If it doesn't stop I'm sure you will break up with him. He should know better then to live his life like this. Have a seriouse talk with him and tell him how you feel.
Author Kamille Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 It is kind of funny when you read it like that. But what her sig probably means is you can't rush the brush of an artist... not continue to date people who make you feel bad. I can tell Kamile does not want to end things with this man, but the way he has been treating her is making her very sad so now she questions what the point is. If it doesn't stop I'm sure you will break up with him. He should know better then to live his life like this. Have a seriouse talk with him and tell him how you feel. He should know better but I can't expect him to change, can I? You're right though, the first step is to talk to him about this.
TaraMaiden Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 I think that as this is a recurring problem, then she's done that. His poor time keeping and lack of planning actually boils down to disrespect. For you, for his colleagues (because with all this stress, he can't be giving his best performance - something's gonna give) and for your relationship. The bottom line is, that if people keep following the same behaviour patterns, It's because nothing sufficiently dramatic has happened to make them want to change them badly enough. so Kamille, you may well have to put your money where our mouth is. Problem is - can you keep it there?
Trialbyfire Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 No Kamille, you can't expect him to change. Procrastination is a personal foible that he's lived with, all 30+ years. You know he's not trying to hurt you. He's just disorganized and probably a bit lazy. This is a compatibility issue, Kamille. I'm not saying throw the baby out with the bathwater but to ask someone to change something core in them, which this is since it's about the way he handles life, is asking for a lot.
Author Kamille Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 so Kamille, you may well have to put your money where our mouth is. Problem is - can you keep it there? My thoughts are along the same lines as yours right now: I don't know about his academic performance, but I definitely feel his working habits are unfair to me. Yet, we've never discussed it as it being 'unfair' to me. I'm thinking: first talk to him and then decide what I want to do. This is also the only issue we've had so far and it hadn't surfaced since that time in November, which we talked about and resolved (so it wouldn't really be fair to bring it back up would it?)
TaraMaiden Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 But you haven't resolved it....have you? not if he's slipping back into old habits. It's just been suspended. Either that, or he's forgotten what it takes to be committed. 'Effort', that is...... I think you have every right to bring it back up, if he's not kept his side of the bargain. If this is a deal-breaker for you - then you have a right to tell him that, and impress upon him how serious a deal it is for you......
Author Kamille Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 If this is a deal-breaker for you - then you have a right to tell him that, and impress upon him how serious a deal it is for you...... It definitely is a deal-breaker - I'm just not sure he's aware yet that it is one. This is why it makes sense to me to sit down with him once I've calmed down, tell him that I feel disrespected and inform him that it is a deal-breaker. Or, in myspeak: that I can't imagine continuing in a relationship where I feel disrespected. I'll see how he responds. Although I seriously doubt he'll be able to come up with a solution to the problem (that won't be the empty promise of 'I will try to do better').
lordWilhelm Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 I will confess that I recognize myself in your BF. It's the major source of distress in my life right now, and I've been trying to get more organized with a little bit of success but it takes time for these changes to go through. It's not like I can decide today I'm going to shape up and tomorrow I will be conscientiously doing everything ahead of time. I think if you see him trying to address this issue you need to be supportive of his attempts and shouldn't be afraid to yield a bit of stick if he relapses. For myself I can say that I just failed my PhD candidacy exam partly because of this behaviour pattern; I have another chance at this exam in a few months so I really do want to mend my ways but it's incredibly scary that I'm not quite yet where I want to be in addressing this problem. Now the way I've been addressing this with my GF is that I never schedule something just ahead of some deadline. I guess I'm sufficiently organized to remember all my deadlines (they always loom rather large in my head) so I never need to cancel. I would suggest that your BF could at least agree to do that with you, and should treat a date with the same seriousness as a board meeting (or he's not giving you enough respect and you should say that). But then he forgot about his board meeting too... I guess you need to get him an agenda if you decide to give him another chance!
melodymatters Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 This might seem azz backwards, but there is a ring of plain common sense : Why not move in together ? Sometimes people DO have busy lives and careers, but if you are sharing space, you will at least have morning coffee, or dinner, of fixing the plumbing to keep you bonded during those busy times. Are you not close enough, or in love enough or are there other religious, familial or finacial concerns ?
Sharla Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 OP if you truly love each other and there are compromises in other areas, then you'll do whatever it takes to stay together. Things come up in our lives be it career, family, etc. Its unavoidable. You haven't seen each other since Saturday? That's less than a week. Not trying to minimize your feelings, because they are yours and you are entitled to feeling however you want, but a few days shouldn't make/break a relationship. If this was something that happened regulary or you go weeks on end not seeing each other, then that's something you need to consider...
Author Kamille Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 This might seem azz backwards, but there is a ring of plain common sense : Why not move in together ? Sometimes people DO have busy lives and careers, but if you are sharing space, you will at least have morning coffee, or dinner, of fixing the plumbing to keep you bonded during those busy times. Are you not close enough, or in love enough or are there other religious, familial or finacial concerns ? I've thought of that but a few things come in the way, the first of which is that I'm moving to Europe in two months. We've discussed moving together when I come back, but that would be a year from now.
Green Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 I've thought of that but a few things come in the way, the first of which is that I'm moving to Europe in two months. We've discussed moving together when I come back, but that would be a year from now. The Europe thing alone might end your relationship. How often do you plan to talk on the phone and see eachother then.
Author Kamille Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 I will confess that I recognize myself in your BF. It's the major source of distress in my life right now, and I've been trying to get more organized with a little bit of success but it takes time for these changes to go through. It's not like I can decide today I'm going to shape up and tomorrow I will be conscientiously doing everything ahead of time. I think if you see him trying to address this issue you need to be supportive of his attempts and shouldn't be afraid to yield a bit of stick if he relapses. For myself I can say that I just failed my PhD candidacy exam partly because of this behaviour pattern; I have another chance at this exam in a few months so I really do want to mend my ways but it's incredibly scary that I'm not quite yet where I want to be in addressing this problem. Now the way I've been addressing this with my GF is that I never schedule something just ahead of some deadline. I guess I'm sufficiently organized to remember all my deadlines (they always loom rather large in my head) so I never need to cancel. I would suggest that your BF could at least agree to do that with you, and should treat a date with the same seriousness as a board meeting (or he's not giving you enough respect and you should say that). But then he forgot about his board meeting too... I guess you need to get him an agenda if you decide to give him another chance! Thank you for your input LordWillhelm and good luck on your exams (and all my regards to your gf!). I know it's something that's almost beyond his control and that I cannot expect him to wake up one day a non-procrastinator. I will raise the issue with him next time I see him and ask him if he has any suggestions as to what I could do to support him being less of a procrastinator. At the same time, I don't want to diminish him. He does get all the work done and so far it's going well for him. He just does it at the cost of our relationship (and his own well-being, I'm sure).
Author Kamille Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 OP if you truly love each other and there are compromises in other areas, then you'll do whatever it takes to stay together. Things come up in our lives be it career, family, etc. Its unavoidable. You haven't seen each other since Saturday? That's less than a week. Not trying to minimize your feelings, because they are yours and you are entitled to feeling however you want, but a few days shouldn't make/break a relationship. If this was something that happened regulary or you go weeks on end not seeing each other, then that's something you need to consider... Thanks Sharla. You're right, it has been less then a week and we otherwise get along great. I will address my feelings to him and we'll see if we can come to a viable solution. The Europe thing alone might end your relationship. How often do you plan to talk on the phone and see eachother then. I know. I worry about that too. We've started discussing LDR communication but I worry that his lack of organization will affect us there too! But to answer the question, we're thinking of using Skype (don't know yet how often) and he'll be visiting me there two months after I move. I plan to visit him 5 months later and then I would be moving back.
Sharla Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 There you go. I just get a sense that your frustration is more towards his "procrastanation" type personality, and maybe less to do with not being able to spend time with him? Maybe it would help to seperate those two issues... Is it because he is a procrasternator? Or do you feel sad because you feel he doesn't care enough about you in making time/effort to spend time together. If it's the latter, is there sufficient evidence to support that?
Trialbyfire Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 "He doesn't love me enough to change his ways, to make time for me."
Author Kamille Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 Is it because he is a procrasternator? Or do you feel sad because you feel he doesn't care enough about you in making time/effort to spend time together. If it's the latter, is there sufficient evidence to support that? It makes me feel sad because it makes me feel like he doesn't care enough to make time-effort for us to spend time together. Evidence... Yes and no. I feel like when we see each other it's great, but we only see each other when his schedule allows it. I mean, you guys, he texted me that he couldn't make it tonight!!! Text! can you believe that *****? He just called and asked if we could hang out after (I responded to his text with an 'don't you think a phone call would be better to talk about this?'). After receiving the text, I made plans with other friends. He says he's sorry. I'm even tired of hearing him apologize.
Twenty-ten Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Kamille I understand your frustration. Has your boyfriend always been like this? I read your opening post and it brings back a lot of memories of a past relationship, I was with a procrastinator for quite some time and while it wasn't ideal I did realize that this was part of who he was but one thing that I noticed about him was that he would become chronic in his tendencies when he was going through stresses in his life that were outside of his control which made even less sense to me that he would add more stress to himself on top of it with the things he could control. But you mentioned that you are moving to Europe, and I am assuming that otherwise you have a great relationship in every other respect, could he be internalizing your move and throwing himself at work and allowing his ways to extend his responsibilities so that it cuts into your time as an outlet for emotions he is bottling up about your move? In other words he is fueled by fear and this is how he reacts? One thing I had read about procrastinators is that it stems from having one or two parents that were overbearing and controlling and this prevents them from developing the right coping skills to autonomously regulate themselves in situations, so they learn to put things off as a way of rebellion. This was very true for my ex who had an extremely controlling father growing up.
angelaM Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 So specifically, what would a good compromise/solution look like to you? Would it suffice if he factored in time for you, despite the work crunch, and made sure he kept it? Or do you need for him to change the way he handles his other commitments? Obviously if he makes a date with you and then cancels because he forgot a work issue, that's a different animal, but if he understands that spending time with you is something you need in order to feel loved, and he doesn't prioritize that, that's a problem... As someone who works best under pressure... throwing myself into a project and giving it 100% of my energy for a very specific period of time... I can relate to his style. But if it were me, and my bf said he needed me to factor in x amount of time for him and for our relationship, I would do that. Even super busy people can find time for what's really important to them...
Twenty-ten Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 I also wanted to add that with the exception of extreme cases where there are underlying physiological problems that produce the procrastination, like ADD and OCD, that for the most part it is learned behavior which means it can also be unlearned.
Hot Carl Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 I'm afraid he won't change, Kamille. In fact, you can expect to drop another priority level or two as the relationship matures.
Trialbyfire Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Kamille, I'm going to throw in this statement and then wander off. But I feel this is a good reminder of past relationships: "He doesn't love me enough to stop alcohol abuse or smoking".
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