soconfusedreally Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Has anyone here who has been dumped tried taking responsibility for why their partner left? It has been 3 1/2 months since he left me. I have been hurt and angry. But lately I've started realizing although he could have made choices to stay and make the situation better, I definitely wasn't making it easy for him. Yes, it was his choice to leave. Yes, I was going through a really dark time in my life and could have used him to help pick me up rather than kick me down further. However, I'm now realizing aside from the pain and hurt over him leaving, I am in a much better place. I must have been really hard to be around. I was hurting and became very insecure in our relationship. I realize now how much weight I was putting on him as well. It could not have been easy. And maybe him leaving me forced me to snap out of it somehow. Dumpers...has your ex ever come back and told you although you hurt them more than anyone ever has, that they understand? Have they taken responsibility for what went wrong and stopped being the victim just because you were there one who called it off? If they did, how did you take that. Did it make you feel like you were right? Or were you happy that they were trying to make changes in their life for the better and gave you hope that they might one day get back to that person you fell in love with? Keep in mind, I'm not trying to manipulate his thinking. I just feel like it is a part of my healing and taking responsibility for what went wrong in our relationship. He was not giving me what I needed...but I now see that I wasn't giving him what he needed either. I just hate that we hurt each other that way. Is it a bad idea to send him a letter or talk to him about it? I know I would love nothing more than a second chance. But I also know that we both would need to be in a healthy place before that could ever happen.
0hpenelope Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Has anyone here who has been dumped tried taking responsibility for why their partner left? It has been 3 1/2 months since he left me. I have been hurt and angry. But lately I've started realizing although he could have made choices to stay and make the situation better, I definitely wasn't making it easy for him. Yes, it was his choice to leave. Yes, I was going through a really dark time in my life and could have used him to help pick me up rather than kick me down further. Yes, I've taken my share of responsibility. Disagreements are almost always a 2-way street. My problem at the time? I thought everything was my fault & I was angry at the wrong people when in fact, the person I should have been angry with was him.
sunrae Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Wanting to take osme of the responsability. I beleive is part of the healing process... But, my questions to you is.. Will he be there when you need him again? Will he be there to lift you up when you need help and not run? When your in a long term relationship, its not always 50/50.. Some times its 70/30 and then 30/70... I pick you up off the ground, you pick me up... Write the lette if it will make you feel better, BUT DONT SEND IT!!!! Tear it up, burn it, or send it to a dear friend, BUT DONT SEND IT....
Silver_star Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 I have tried to see what ive done wrong in the relationship. And im not saying im perfect. But I laid out who i was in the beginning..and I worked on things, and I compromised and I sacrificed..i let things go and I also stood up for what i thought was right. If there was an issue I approached it with love and understanding and never yelled or took my anger out on him in a bad way. I wouldnt have changed anything I had done. I handled it the way I beleive i should have. I honestly tried my best with our relationship and I accept the only way it would have worked is if I was NOT who I am as a person..if i let him do whatever he wanted and hurt my feelings and be free while still giving him complete access to me...and thats not fair. I tried to make the relationship work the best I could. That being said I only want to be in the kind of relationship that I value..and he obviously had other ideas. I dont think its good to blame either side..but to consider that we were not looking for the same things out of the relationship and therefore it couldnt work.
Author soconfusedreally Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 I did write the letter...or email. It is saved as a draft and I don't know when or if I will ever send it. I do believe it is important for me to recognize my part in our failed relationship. I do really want him back and know things weren't perfect but but believe if we wanted to we could have made it work. I think I was sooo stressed that I didn't realize his stress level. I was stressed in the here and now and he was stressed about the overall picture of the future. I still believe there was more good in our relationship than bad. I miss him terribly. Although I have things I want him to know, I want to respect his space and give him whatever time he needs. I know he is seeing someone but can't help but believe that is him just trying to tell himself that he can be okay without me. Will he ever come back? Will he remember the good and know it was just a bad time or will he always see the end of our relationship and be glad he's not there anymore? I wish I would have done more...I wish I could have...
bananaboat11 Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 I have tried to see what ive done wrong in the relationship. And im not saying im perfect. But I laid out who i was in the beginning..and I worked on things, and I compromised and I sacrificed..i let things go and I also stood up for what i thought was right. If there was an issue I approached it with love and understanding and never yelled or took my anger out on him in a bad way. I wouldnt have changed anything I had done. I handled it the way I beleive i should have. I honestly tried my best with our relationship and I accept the only way it would have worked is if I was NOT who I am as a person..if i let him do whatever he wanted and hurt my feelings and be free while still giving him complete access to me...and thats not fair. I tried to make the relationship work the best I could. That being said I only want to be in the kind of relationship that I value..and he obviously had other ideas. I dont think its good to blame either side..but to consider that we were not looking for the same things out of the relationship and therefore it couldnt work. Is your name Nicole?
sunrae Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 SoConfused.... You played the cards you were dealt with at the time... So dont beat yourself up over the "I wish I would have done this..." It will tear you up inside... Everytime a relationship ends, we take with us something we have learned from the previous one. This one was a big learning experiance for you. It doesnt make it any easier, sadly. Only time heals. You are doing the right thing for you and him, by giving him the space. You will get stronger, get some more clarity, and look like a bigger person to him in the long run... Youre doing good. Dont worry yourself over this what ifs or I should haves.
Silver_star Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Is your name Nicole? Nope. why do you ask?
USMCHokie Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Nope. why do you ask? You don't want to be a Nicole.
Silver_star Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 You don't want to be a Nicole. LOL then tell me why would one make that assumption? hmm bananaboat?
skydiveaddict Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Is it a bad idea to send him a letter or talk to him about it? . Yes it is a bad idea. If it doesn't work the way you want it to, then you will have to start the healing process all over again. If he wants to come back he will. I'm sorry you're hurting the way you are. I am too right now
TuesGirl Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 I think it's a very mature approach to a breakup to realize that it does take 2 to tango. I'm still trying to figure out if I'm the dumper or dumpee in my most recent breakup, but I see a litany of things that I did/reacted to that weren't necessarily healthy for the relationship. In my previous breakup before this one (fiance cheated on me), it took me over two years to see my hand in the situation. And you know what, yes, there were things I ignored and things I pushed that I shouldn't have and ultimately they made the situation come to an ugly end like they did. Definitely the relationship wasn't going to last, but it didn't have to be so....crazy at the end. It actually felt kind of cool to see that I had a choice and/or power in that relationship's demise. That I wasn't just handed that crappy situation, or just unlucky...I actually could've prevented it from happening... Anyways, I agree with other people, don't lay it all out there what you think you did wrong. You won't get the reaction you think you deserve.
Eeyore79 Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Has anyone here who has been dumped tried taking responsibility for why their partner left? It has been 3 1/2 months since he left me. I have been hurt and angry. But lately I've started realizing although he could have made choices to stay and make the situation better, I definitely wasn't making it easy for him. You're assuming that he might have wanted to stay and make things better. When I've dumped people, it's because I no longer wanted to make the effort to fix the relationship; I just didn't want that person any more. Dumping them was my decision, and I'd laugh my ass off if I thought they were trying to "take responsibility" for me leaving. Dumpers...has your ex ever come back and told you although you hurt them more than anyone ever has, that they understand? Have they taken responsibility for what went wrong and stopped being the victim just because you were there one who called it off? If they did, how did you take that. Did it make you feel like you were right? Or were you happy that they were trying to make changes in their life for the better and gave you hope that they might one day get back to that person you fell in love with? The whole point is, they were never that person in the first place. I assumed that they were fun/intelligent/wealthy/ambitious/cultured/sexy etc, and I fell in love with a dream of who I thought they were. Then when I found out the reality I didn't love that person at all, so I dumped them. Getting back to the person I fell in love with would be impossible, because they never were that person. If my ex came and told me he "understood" me and "took responsibility" for me ditching him, I would find it so pathetic and laughable that I'd probably be even more put off him.
bananaboat11 Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 LOL then tell me why would one make that assumption? hmm bananaboat? I apologized to you in my other thread... pls go read it?
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