Ms. Joolie Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 When I think of the future of my relationship with T, I am a little clueless. The attitude that I want to take is just to "let it be". I don't want one thing or another. I don't expect anything. There is no goal. ....With that kind of attitude, with one of "no expectations", can I truly be happy? Can I truly be fulfilled? 'Ideally', I would want to make a commitment to the man I love. I want to be married to T. That's the honest desire that I have. I love HIM, and it's not just the idea of marriage, not my idea of love. And I see marriage as the way to show my love, to commit my love, to him. He doesn't see it that way. He'll bring up living together, and he's spoken of the possibility of that leading to marriage, but it's just not something that is on the forefront of his mind right now. He IS about "letting it be". That's what I get anyway. And I am NOT going to be the one to pressure him into anything. Besides, not only have I been the one to offer an unsteady relationship these 3.5 years, but also I still struggle with my health. (see my ED threads... lol) So I don't want to expect anything from him. It's almost a care-less attitude now that I want to practice, and one that I don't know if I like. Our relationship seems to be from date to date, and I would just want to secure it. We spend the weekends together and I go to his place one week a night, and we do something or just be with each other and I spend the night. But I'm not expecting anything more. I'll just let it be. So much so that whether we stay together or let go, it shouldn't disturb me. Is this being too passive? Is the relationship bound to get to a destination or is this the destination for now? All we have is now. And I just want to be secure.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 (edited) all right, all right.... so I'm trying to mesh out my insecurity. The basic thought in my head it seems would be that the state of marriage provides commitment and security. It doesn't really, does it? UGH! I'm not a religious person, so this isn't about getting married at a church or for the sake of religion. What I do believe in is marriage on a spiritual level, and that level of commitment from both parties. That he had that kind of commitment to me, that we were married, would help me to commit to 'us'. It would be my motivation, my support. It would mean something to me. That's what I want. Letting go of THAT is letting go of feeling secure in the relationship. Without his commitment, or mine, in marriage.... it really is just a thing for 'now'. How can I take a 'now only' relationship seriously?? Edited February 4, 2010 by Ms. Joolie
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