paddington bear Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 So, I've taken a leap and joined a site. My question is regarding being rude or impolite. On this site there are the options to send an email to people, or to 'flirt' which is to simply click on some defined options 'I'm sending you a kiss' I'm interested in you' and so on. So you get this 'flirt message' and then can check out who sent it. Then you have the option to send back predefined answers - let's chat (IM), kiss you back and 'sorry, not interested'. The problem I have is that even if I'm not interested, it seems really rude to click on 'sorry I'm not interested' but then, it seems rude to ignore the poor guys who've made the effort to do something. So, what's the general protocol here? What should I do?
DustySaltus Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 So, I've taken a leap and joined a site. My question is regarding being rude or impolite. On this site there are the options to send an email to people, or to 'flirt' which is to simply click on some defined options 'I'm sending you a kiss' I'm interested in you' and so on. So you get this 'flirt message' and then can check out who sent it. Then you have the option to send back predefined answers - let's chat (IM), kiss you back and 'sorry, not interested'. The problem I have is that even if I'm not interested, it seems really rude to click on 'sorry I'm not interested' but then, it seems rude to ignore the poor guys who've made the effort to do something. So, what's the general protocol here? What should I do? In my experience I didn't reply to anyone who didn't give me an original email...no matter how good looking they are......well, ok...once When I had a profile I specifically said not to send me flirts or generic responses....and it STILL happened. If you don't reply, you're not being rude because obviously they didn't take the time to read your profile.
Author paddington bear Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 Yeah getting an actual email is nicer. However, on that topic, what about guys that take the time to email you, but you don't think would be suitable. Do you take the time to thank them for their interest, but say no thanks? Or are you 'mean' and do you ignore them too? Again actually taking the time to write back, but then to say, sorry, not for me, seems a bit cruel, as does ignoring. (and before any women-haters on here tell me I'm being superficial, I only joined this yesterday and I've had 3 of these flirt things, 2 from guys living in other cities hundreds of miles away and one from a 68 year old man who sent this before my photo had even been uploaded, guess he's just messaging everything female on the site. But I have had one from someone who looks normal and seems normal and nice, who I have replied to)
flc Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 (edited) My experience is if someone is not interested you will not get any reply. I always thought canned messages or flirts were not very personal so I always did personal emails and I made sure I read their profiles and made sure the person could tell I had read their profile. Now as a guy I did get some flirts and I did not mind it as I figured it was just a quick way for someone to see if there might be an interest. But even then I always wrote an email back if I was interested, if not no reply. This might seem rude but I think with all of the emails women get they can't possible respond to each one and as a guy after getting no replies for awhile you just fall into the same behavior. The big things is not to take it personal and let it bother you. I always treated online as just something fun to do, never got serious about it and always had a good time. Edited February 4, 2010 by flc
meerkat stew Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Good on you for asking this. Winks, flirts, form Emails, one-liner Emails, no response needed. Custom Emails, just click the "not interested" button. Takes two seconds, and if the guy persists, block him. It's common for women to just ignore all communications from men they aren't interested in online, but this is rude in the case of real, substantial Emails. Take two seconds instead of leaving the guy hanging. Again, thanks for being polite or even worrying about it. Most women online aren't as thoughtful.
boogieboy Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 What I hear typically happens to women is that when you reply "im not interested" there some rude guys out there that retaliate when you tell them youre not interested. So the best thing for you to do is to get over your guilt, and dont reply to anyone youre not interested in. Guys online are used to it. Just concentrate on who you like. You might get too many winks and emails to respond to anyways.
yeex Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 eh, i rarely ever get a "not interested" reply. If they are not interested, they usually don't respond and it does not bother me. I think men on the sites are used to that. I don't take it personally.
meerkat stew Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Problem with that, BB, is that there is a significant portion of women out there who expect more than one Email before they will reply to show more seriousness on the part of the guy. And Emails get lost in the shuffle, so a guy who writes a real Email is often left hanging. If a guy persists after clicking the mouse to tell him "not interested," click the mouse again and block him. NBD really, just a couple more mouse clicks to block someone, and IME the guys who keep mailing after being told not interested are a tiny minority. It's just a way women use to rationalize rudeness. Both are paying, or at least on the site presumably to meet people. If a man sends you a sincere, thoughtful Email, click the not interested button. No good reason for not doing that.
Author paddington bear Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 Thanks for all the replies, this was my second main reason for not going down the internet dating route (reason one, there seems to be an awful lot of strange men on there) so you've helped a lot, as in all honesty right now it seems the only option to meet people as my poor social life has taken a nose dive of late, so it would be a shame to not try it, simply out of fear of offending random strangers. PS girls expect more than one email to assess the interest of the guy? I think that's expecting too much IME
meerkat stew Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 PS girls expect more than one email to assess the interest of the guy? I think that's expecting too much IME Me too! My best friend's GF waited until he emailed her four times to even reply though. They have been dating 1.5 years.
Eeyore79 Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 I found this very confusing when I first started online dating. Initially I thought it was more polite to click "No thanks" or email back saying the same. I felt really rude not replying to an email that someone had taken the time to write. However I found that guys wouldn't stop pestering me... sometimes I would get an email along the lines of "You no-good bitch, you think you're too good for me?", or alternatively I'd get a pleading email: "Please give me a chance. You might like me". Repeating my refusal would then result in emails like "Tell me what I did wrong. What don't you like about me? Maybe you misjudged me? I'm really a great guy" and so on ad infinitum. Eventually I hit upon a strategy that worked. I ignored the winks/kisses etc as those guys hadn't put in any effort anyway, and for the guys who actually wrote me a nice email I'd reply something along the lines of: "Thanks for your email. Although my subscription to the site is still active, I actually already met someone who I quite like, and we've been getting on really well. You seem nice but I guess I'm sort of taken at present, and I'm waiting to see how things work out with him. I wish you luck in finding the girl you're looking for". This seemed to work fairly well, as the guy got the message that I wasn't interested without seeing it as a personal rejection, he generally didn't pester me again because I was "taken" (even though I wasn't), and I felt less guilty because I hadn't simply ignored the email he'd put effort into writing. After all, how was he to know that I actually wasn't taken and was replying to other guys' messages?
boogieboy Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Me too! My best friend's GF waited until he emailed her four times to even reply though. They have been dating 1.5 years. You really believe she waited, or maybe she was waiting herself from guys she thought were a better fit, and then when they didnt work out, finally answered this guy?
boogieboy Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 I felt less guilty because I hadn't simply ignored the email he'd put effort into writing. After all, how was he to know that I actually wasn't taken and was replying to other guys' messages? You felt less guilty by lying to guys rather than ignoring them? Well that just makes yourself ffeel better, but makes them feel worse because they know youre lying. That is truly horrible. paddington, just ignore anyone you dont like, and concentrate on the ones you do. Lying to get rid of your guilt isnt the way to go.
Crazy Magnet Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 When online dating, I ignored all winks, kisses, flirts, or whatever. I'd probably still be trying to answer them all if I didn't. In terms of emails, I TRIED really hard to respond to everyone, even if it was a no thanks. However, that was simply too overwhelming. Sometimes I would have 10 or more messages when I would log in (and I was on 1 paid and 2 free sites at the same time....so 10x3=30 per DAY...way too much). Yes, they were all thoughtful and heartfelt emails, but I didn't want to spend HOURS writing everyone back. And I quite frequently ran into the "Please give me a chance" email when I would reply that I wasn't interested. I'd say about 80% emailed that one back, which also deterred me from writing no thanks emails. I have no idea why, but I always replied to the guys in the military letting them know I wasn't interested. ?? I"m weird I guess. When I found someone though, I did send very thoughtful emails to everyone I had been regularly communicating with. The men were quite shocked, saying most women just disappear and never let them know. Moral of the story, you def need to email the guys back if you are regularly communicating and find someone you want to see exclusively.
greatgirlfriend Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 I have profiles on two free sites (I refuse to pay for something like this again) and I ignore those who just send winks. If they send an email and not interested I send them back not interested because I found someone (which I have, but am waiting to see where it goes). I've gotten some nasty responses though when I ignore winks, which is bizarre. I've also out of the blue gotten responses from guy who didn't like my profile and I was too picky. Wouldn't it make sense just to ignore me? One time I responded to one of these guys who sent a nasty message and found he blocked me. Btw, the reason I'll never pay again is because it never worked for me last time. I met a few great guys, but the majority were either jerks, liars, married, perverts, or all of the above. If the current relationship doesn't work then I'll look for boyfriends through people I know.
flc Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Me too! My best friend's GF waited until he emailed her four times to even reply though. They have been dating 1.5 years. Well she would never of heard back from me If I take the time to read a profile sit and compose an email and you read it and like it but want to appear aloof and wait for me to beg forget about it. Plenty of other women, I never lacked dates and I am curently in a 2yr relationship with someone from Match.
meerkat stew Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 You really believe she waited, or maybe she was waiting herself from guys she thought were a better fit, and then when they didnt work out, finally answered this guy? It's irrelevant, doesn't matter either way, not the point. They are happily together a year and a half later. The point is that it takes two seconds to click a not interested or block button, not two minutes, so why not have a stance of basic human courtesy and use the tools that the site has provided specifically for the purpose of showing no interest?
Vasto_Lorde Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 As a guy, I think it's bad form to just send those eye catchers without an immediate follow up email. I personally like to read the profile of the individual I'm reaching out to and I always reach out through emails. I think it shows the person you're contacting that you've taken time to read their profile. Now to your question OP - I don't think it's rude to send a "not interested" reply. I think those winks prevalent on dating sites are akin to cat calls.
thegreatmoose Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 (edited) So, I've taken a leap and joined a site. My question is regarding being rude or impolite. On this site there are the options to send an email to people, or to 'flirt' which is to simply click on some defined options 'I'm sending you a kiss' I'm interested in you' and so on. So you get this 'flirt message' and then can check out who sent it. Then you have the option to send back predefined answers - let's chat (IM), kiss you back and 'sorry, not interested'. The problem I have is that even if I'm not interested, it seems really rude to click on 'sorry I'm not interested' but then, it seems rude to ignore the poor guys who've made the effort to do something. So, what's the general protocol here? What should I do? It's not rude at all. In fact, it is a massive waste of time to respond to people you are not interested in. This is especially true if you get numerous emails a day where many are from complete losers. If you respond to someone you're not interested in, they may think you are interested and it becomes a big mess. If you respond negatively, they might get mad. I just delete emails from people I'm not intested in. As a man I don't get a whole lot and I still delete them. What irritates me is when there are several emails back and forth where she seems interested and then I get no response. Edited February 4, 2010 by thegreatmoose
Twenty-ten Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Well she would never of heard back from me If I take the time to read a profile sit and compose an email and you read it and like it but want to appear aloof and wait for me to beg forget about it. Plenty of other women, I never lacked dates and I am curently in a 2yr relationship with someone from Match. Seriously!! Good for you. That is the most retarded thing I have ever heard for a woman to make a guy send her three emails or calls or whatever sign of communication before she will respond. Insecure much?
Eeyore79 Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 What irritates me is when there are several emails back and forth where she seems interested and then I get no response. That usually happens when you're on her "ok but not fantastic" list. She responds to you a few times because you seem ok, but then she meets someone better and simply stops replying to you. I chatted online with numerous guys who had what I perceived as "flaws". They seemed nice, I liked them, but I was aware that there were some things about them that weren't ideal. All communication with those guys ceased when I met someone who I liked more. I didn't even bother logging into the site to see that I had any emails from anyone else, because I was too busy mooning around over this new guy. I logged in just now to check and there are emails from months ago inviting me out for coffee and stuff - I didn't even know they were there, because I simply stopped logging into the site once it had served its purpose of finding me a man who I liked.
tigressA Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 I'm on OKCupid and there isn't any "not interested" button. You can either block the person from contacting you, not respond, or respond saying you're not interested. If I get any sort of message from a guy that I have no interest in, I just don't respond. If I find the guy extremely unsavory I block him as well.
thegreatmoose Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 That usually happens when you're on her "ok but not fantastic" list. She responds to you a few times because you seem ok, but then she meets someone better and simply stops replying to you. I chatted online with numerous guys who had what I perceived as "flaws". They seemed nice, I liked them, but I was aware that there were some things about them that weren't ideal. All communication with those guys ceased when I met someone who I liked more. I didn't even bother logging into the site to see that I had any emails from anyone else, because I was too busy mooning around over this new guy. I logged in just now to check and there are emails from months ago inviting me out for coffee and stuff - I didn't even know they were there, because I simply stopped logging into the site once it had served its purpose of finding me a man who I liked. I do NOT like when a significant amount of my time is wasted. The last one was several emails and she told me she was interested in going out with me. Then nothing to my last response. I can understand not responding after a couple of emails, but at some point it gets irritating. I also don't like when they tell me to call them and are impossible to reach or we talk and she says she will call me back and never does. I guess someone like that was not the right person for me anyway since I don't do that to others. There's no excuse for this silly game playing. Many women respond to every email they get including those who are creeps or those she has no interest in. They inevitably get burned or frustrated and run from online dating. However, the other extreme is not good either.
Ingenue Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 When I tried online dating, I always responded to any man who took the time to email me. If I wasn't interested in them, I'd thank them for their email but politely (or as politely as I could) state that I wasn't interested and wished them luck in their search. If I got lewd emails, or emails that were generic cut and paste [insert interest here] type emails, I ignored them. I'm of the firm belief that if a person takes the time to email you, you should respond in kind, even if you're not interested. I wasn't burned by responding to those emails. In fact, I often received response emails from the men thanking me for writing them back. It's just common courtesy, in my humble opinion.
txsilkysmoothe Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 I indicated the following in my profile: I interpret a "wink" as a compliment and while I appreciate the gesture, let me thank you now for I will not respond to winks. I will respond to all emails though it may take a few days. If I am not interested in you, I will indicate that in my response. If you are going to be offended by such a response, do not contact me. I think responding to an email is just the human thing to do. I have had men reply thanking me for sending them what is in essence a rejection email simply because so many women don't extend them that courtesy. I do not bother with those emails that say only "Hi" or "What's up?" etc. Most men are very polite, only a few have acted like jerks. Good luck - I wish you much success. `
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