SweetyBear Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 My boyfriend and I got our second chance. We were apart for about six months. It was my doing; I broke up with him. Once we were apart, I realized how much emphasis I was putting on things that really weren't dealbreakers and how my own insecurities caused a lot of issues between us. He is a police officer and it got to the point where we were spending barely any time together and I felt taken for granted, etc. Anyway, like I said we're back together now and have been since September. Spending time together has not gotten any better, but I knew that it wouldn't for awhile and we both decided together was better than apart. Since September, I've been very understanding in my opinion. I haven't nagged him about spending more time because I knew it wasn't possible. I didn't accuse him of taking me and our relationship for granted although we have literally only seen each other in person 4 times since getting back together. I have been really working hard on myself and being okay with his work because it is so much a part of who he is. When my insecurties do rear their ugly heads, I don't have the whole melt down on him. I have gotten good at reassuring myself. So, he finally was able to take a new position in his city that will give us more time together as his schedule will be more regular. Wonderful right? Absolutely, except that we had this long, drawn-out discussion last night because now that he has more time he thinks I should always be available to him. Honestly, I worked really hard making sure to have plans and be involved in things so I wouldn't sit around missing him and blaming him for why I was sad. So, now he's "hurt" because I'm choosing to keep some long-standing plans I have rather than spend more time with him. My question is does anyone have any advice on how to approach this? I told him that my love for him and the health of our relationship is not in question just because I have other things to do. It's not like I'm filling up all my free time and refusing to spend time with him, but I think it's important for me to maintain my personal balance. To a certain degree, I'm resentful because while he was so busy, I was supposed to be fine with it and not complain. I spent all the holidays without him this year because of his work and I made myself fine with it although I certainly would have preferred to have had him around. Now that he's not so busy, I'm supposed to be at his beck and call? Please don't think it's a matter of tit for tat because I'm not even like that. It's more of a matter of I picked up these other things and cultivated more of my other friendhips in an effort to give him what he needed at the time and now that he doesn't need it, I'm expected to give them up?
sunrae Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Sounds like he's being selfish... No, dont give up the other things that you have going on and have committed to... Those are part of you and your life and he should honor and respect that... As long as you enjoy doing "your" things then continue to do them... We see to many times, on this forum, people who give up their lives and their hobbies, and loose themselves in relationships because of other partners, and then when their partners leave, they have nothing.... You put yourself on hold for to long anyway, and sounds like you have bent over backwards for this relationship. He should be willing to bend a little to try to make this work.
TuesGirl Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 I think the best approach is to keep showing through your actions everything you have said to us. Show him you still love him, value him, etc, etc, but also show him that you are loyal to your plans (bc loyalty is a good trait by sticking to them. Don't get into a conversation about how much you hated the position he put you in bc of his job bc that wasn't his fault. But do let him know that you have a healthy life that doesn't revolve around him and that he should be psyched to have a girlfriend that's not a clinger! If he still has issues with it, then you have bigger things to think about.
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