Sleeping with a girl... ouch

[Green]

For the IBS:

 

Its a King Bed, so we each use a full sized sheet and a full sized blanket or comforter. When made, it is all covered with a King Sized spread or duvet that reaches the floor so it looks neat.

 

I cannot stand someone so much as tugging on my blanket, or worse - tossing off covers because they are warm.

 

She does that tossing the covers off thing like every morning when she gets out of bed plus some times in the middle of the night she just tosses them off. I wish I had a king bed. To tell you the truth I wish it was just socialy acceptable to sleep alone.

[2sure]

Yep. I know. I am a very affectionate person, but after Ive said goodnight I'm not much of a cuddler. I love sleeping alone. But partners take sleeping alone as great big red flag, think it disconnects intimacy.

 

Maybe it does, I'm not sure. I love to have a partner but yes, I like my bed and my blankets just fine with just me in them.

[Trialbyfire]

Green, I would honestly come at her a little aggressively. If you don't, she's going to continue throwing childish tantrums. An apology is in order for her behaviour and if she starts throwing past "bad things" that you've done, just shut that down with "we're addressing your behaviour this morning, not something that happened when you were 2 years old. And speaking of 2 year olds, what's with the tantrum behaviour this morning? I was trying to do something kind for you, even though I'm sick, and ended up being freaked out on, this morning".

[Kamille]

I have to agree with everyone that her reaction is out of line.

 

But, please allow me to play devil's advocate. I think the issue goes way past the sleeping arrangement is about how you two communicate. I'm also guessing, from the posts I have pulled, that you two have discussed 'the sleeping issue' in the past. And I'll guess even further that every time you tried to bring it up, it turned into a fight. So, her reaction this morning is actually her being defensive, perhaps about being 'teased' or even 'fingerpointed' for all her misbehaviours while she sleeps. Granted, she's being a bit oversensitive about this, but if I'm right, then no amount of LS members joining in to lament Green's situation is actually going to help them grow as a couple.

 

 

I just kinda wish she was cool with me sleeping in the guest room, she also makes noises and is anoying.

 

which is it? Did you leave the bedroom because you wanted to make sure she got a good nights sleep, did you leave the bedroom because you think she's annoying? Based on past conversations you two have had about the bed issue, which of these two explanations was most likely to jump into her head when she woke up to find you in the guest bedroom?

 

]I've filmed her sleeping' date='[/b']

Why? Did she know you were going to film her while sleeping? Was this done jokingly (as in you adorable bed-hogger) or to prove a point? Did she receive it as a joke or did she feel attacked?

 

its just stupid. If I point something bad she did she points out something I did. She called me a p u ssy the other day, I forget why and then when I'm like wth she pointed out how I've called her a bch b4. So then I'm like well u just clled me a pssy right now.

 

You two are still learning to communicate and you both seem stuck in a passive-agressive style of communication where the emphasis is placed more on 'being right' then on problem solving.

 

If you have contributed in anyway to making her feel vulnerable and insecure about the bed issue, then own up to it, tell her you want the both of you to find a solution and that yes, you want to be able to move to the guest bedroom if you feel you each would benefit from sleeping separately.

[TaraMaiden]

She does that tossing the covers off thing like every morning when she gets out of bed plus some times in the middle of the night she just tosses them off. I wish I had a king bed. To tell you the truth I wish it was just socialy acceptable to sleep alone.

 

It is.

It's just your GF who throws a world-war-III-atomic fit, when you do....

 

You'd be surprised how many people do, and how many want to....

[Green]

I have to agree with everyone that her reaction is out of line.

 

But, please allow me to play devil's advocate. I think the issue goes way past the sleeping arrangement is about how you two communicate. I'm also guessing, from the posts I have pulled, that you two have discussed 'the sleeping issue' in the past. And I'll guess even further that every time you tried to bring it up, it turned into a fight. So, her reaction this morning is actually her being defensive, perhaps about being 'teased' or even 'fingerpointed' for all her misbehaviours while she sleeps. Granted, she's being a bit oversensitive about this, but if I'm right, then no amount of LS members joining in to lament Green's situation is actually going to help them grow as a couple.

 

Yes I'm sure it was a build up. I've been complaing about the covers for a while now. And morning fights about me growling and yelling at her for making noise and waking me up have been hapening.

 

which is it? Did you leave the bedroom because you wanted to make sure she got a good nights sleep, did you leave the bedroom because you think she's annoying? Based on past conversations you two have had about the bed issue, which of these two explanations was most likely to jump into her head when she woke up to find you in the guest bedroom?.

 

She was being anoying. I felt sick. I felt self consiouse about blowing my nose and coughing and waking her up is what it really came down to. And I really wanted to sleep. And I knew she had a big day of work and needed her sleep.

 

 

Why? Did she know you were going to film her while sleeping? Was this done jokingly (as in you adorable bed-hogger) or to prove a point? Did she receive it as a joke or did she feel attacked?.

 

I've not actualy done a sleep study on the girl. I've just taking silly pictures or video of her falling asleep in the car or at a hotel or what ever. It really didn't have a point. I think we are both aware that we move and make noises.

 

You two are still learning to communicate and you both seem stuck in a passive-agressive style of communication where the emphasis is placed more on 'being right' then on problem solving.

 

ok so whats the advice?

 

If you have contributed in anyway to making her feel vulnerable and insecure about the bed issue, then own up to it, tell her you want the both of you to find a solution and that yes, you want to be able to move to the guest bedroom if you feel you each would benefit from sleeping separately.

 

I really don't know what I want. I've told her in the past that I wish there was a way we could be togather as we fall asleep and when we wake up without the sleep disturbances that come inbetween night and morning. Like a solution I just thought of was two beds in the same room with a white noise machine... but that sounds complicated... the room is already pretty full and I'd want my bed to be atleast a full or queen. I will own up to every one I am not perfect, I have done things to make her feel vulnerable as you put it.

[2sure]

king bed, foam ear plugs, ibs.

 

There is probably nothing, short of some kind of abuse, that can interfere with the emotional well being of a couple more than unhappy sleeping arrangements. Waking up next to someone is very nice, but waking up grumpy sucks. The bed/sleep thing can affect your whole day/life/relationship.

 

I think.

[Kamille]

If you feel you two are stuck in a pattern of 'being right' instead of 'problem solving', then the advice would be:

1) to communicate this to your gf.

2) not to respond to her taunts (if she calls you a p u s s y, for instance, instead of getting offended, take the higher road, ignore it, and stay focused on the issue that you two were actually discussing).

3) Try to raise and discuss issues at a time when you are both calm (for instance, at a moment when you are both calm, you could say: 'sweetie, I'm sorry I've called you a bitch in the past and it hurts me when you call me a pussy. Could we talk about this?)

4) Realize that you are not likely to resolve issues when you are both angry (so once the tone escalates, either take deep breathes to stay calm or try to use humour to put the problem in perspective).

 

There's probably other tricks, but I think the first step, as in most things, is recognizing the problem. That way, when you find yourself wanting to 'be right' more then you want to solve a problem, you can step back, calm down, and regain perspective of the situation.

[Green]

UPDATE: Well even though we sort of made up before she left for work I was still upset all day as this thread shows. She didn't get back until just recently, so yes it was late. Talking to her about this morning just started the fight back up. Seriously this is stressful. I'm just sleeping in the guest room because neither of us feel like deeling with eachother. She acuses me of lecturing her about this. I acused her of wanting me to just take her crap and not say anything. Then she just acuses me the same. I will not be sleeping with a girl tonight.

[Trialbyfire]

Green, what kind of family environment did she come from? More often than not, this will define how she manages conflict. Same goes for you.

[rod_in_gtown]

UPDATE: Well even though we sort of made up before she left for work I was still upset all day as this thread shows. She didn't get back until just recently, so yes it was late. Talking to her about this morning just started the fight back up. Seriously this is stressful. I'm just sleeping in the guest room because neither of us feel like deeling with eachother. She acuses me of lecturing her about this. I acused her of wanting me to just take her crap and not say anything. Then she just acuses me the same. I will not be sleeping with a girl tonight.

 

Yikes.

Sorry to hear that, feuding with your gf is a horrible feeling. It's hard to talk when shots are being fired left and right. Sometimes you have to be the bigger man and respond to an accusation with kindness. Just tell her you understand why she is upset and try to get to the meat of the issue with calm words and constructive moods. It'll payoff in the end.

[Leia]

Never ever leave it as it is though, talk about it. Make her sit down with you and settle the issue!

[Kamille]

Wow! This bed thing is really getting blown out of proportion. I'm really sorry you two are struggling.

 

Perhaps before you tackle the bed issue you two should have a calm conversation about how to discuss issues?

 

See, here, you both totally went for a tit for tat approach:

She acuses me of lecturing her about this. I acused her of wanting me to just take her crap and not say anything. Then she just acuses me the same.

 

Why are you guys making accusations? How is making accusations helpful in any way? Relationships are not about figuring out who's responsible for the problem (or who is more in the wrong), they're about figuring out a solution that works for both individuals. Sounds to me like you're both too focused on self-defense to allow conflict to help you both grow as a couple. Any idea why that would be?

 

Really, to me it sounds like the bed isn't the issue as much as 1) some underlying issue about control which 2) renders communication an impossible terrain.

 

I've been there and we did make grounds, but we had to shift our thinking: we came to focus more on how we communicate about issues and not so much about what the issue was. We had to remind ourselves that we loved each other and each wanted what was best for the relationship. We also did a few 'listening' exercises. If he said something that angered me I would repeat it in question form: 'So, if I understand you correctly, you feel that I am lecturing you when I do xyz' Usually, that helps the other person feel like you are at least listening to them and helps partners snap out of defensive mood.

 

That being said, you both need to come up with communication strategies together. In no way should one of you impose a communication style. You can suggest things, but not assert them as the way to go.

[TaraMaiden]

I completely agree with kamille... it looks as if you discuss issues with the aim of achieving a win/lose situation, and your communication dynamics leave much to be desired - I'm sure you'll agree.

Kamille gives excellent advice here.

I would also add, investigate the speaker/listener technique.

It can help you approach each other constructively, instead of tearing each other apart.

 

Because as I said earlier - this isn't about the bed.

[Trialbyfire]

I would normally agree with the de-escalation approach but this incident, is blatantly inequitable and any adult should be able to see their own responsibility in this issue, and have apologized on their own.

 

Sometimes you have to take a stand on matters, rather than just keeping the peace. Keep rolling over for this kind of issue and it will only enable her childishness and self-indulgence.

[Kamille]

I would normally agree with the de-escalation approach but this incident, is blatantly inequitable and any adult should be able to see their own responsibility in this issue, and have apologized on their own.

 

Sometimes you have to take a stand on matters, rather than just keeping the peace. Keep rolling over for this kind of issue and it will only enable her childishness and self-indulgence.

 

Are there other incidents that would indicate that she is intrinsically childish and self-indulgent?

 

I feel like we are only getting Green's side, and while I trust him to be as fair and partial as possible, I can see how the way they interact together has brought about what seems like an isolated childish and self-indulgent episode on her side. And yes it was self-indulgent.

 

Only Green knows if she is like this randomly in spite of a healthy relationship, or if the situation has escalated to a point where she no longer sees reasoning herself as a viable approach.

 

Green, I was thinking about the 'she accused, I accused' quote that I cited in my previous post... I actually think this is a great starting point for you guys: all it shows is that you have both made mistakes and will both make mistakes. How you handle making mistakes is what a couple makes. (Yoda is in da house).

[Trialbyfire]

Take a look at some of Green's other threads about his g/f. I don't get a good feeling about her at all. No doubt Green has his own responsibilities to address but this girl is self-centered.

 

Edit - That's why I previously asked about her familial background, to figure out why she's like this.

[Twenty-ten]

I feel like we are only getting Green's side, and while I trust him to be as fair and partial as possible, I can see how the way they interact together has brought about what seems like an isolated childish and self-indulgent episode on her side. And yes it was self-indulgent.

 

 

I share that sentiment and am now thinking the same thing you mentioned earlier that this a deeper issue not the bed.

 

I read Green's thread from a few days about about "Losing it" and he states this in the opening paragpraph:

 

All of a sudden I just stoped caring. I feel so lazy and everything I care about has stopped. I'm not playing video games. I have a messed up sex drive. Havn't been going to the gym in like a week although I plan on going tonight. Everything scares me.

 

I feel like all I do is waste time, like just making myself food is a chore and all food tastes so bland. Maybe I'm getting the wrong foods, I plan on treating myself to thai resteraunt as a reward if I go to the gym again tonight.

 

I hope you don't mind me re-quoting from your other thread Green but I think this is very important to add some balance to your situation, I have a feeling your girlfriend is lashing out in extreme ways (now that I piece it all together) because she may be misinterpreting the actions you described in the above statement, as a sign that you no longer have interest in her. It sounds like you may be going through a bit of a depression and if she does not understand this she may think it is because you are not happy with her. When we live together in a relationship our routine behaviors and any change small or large, will affect our partners.

 

Moving to another bed in the middle of the night, as good as your intentions were and I do believe you had good intention, to her it represents yet another symptom to her suspicions that you are "losing interest" in her.

 

Have you discussed with her what has been going on with you as of late?

[Kamille]

Take a look at some of Green's other threads about his g/f. I don't get a good feeling about her at all.

 

I looked back and found the thread about the differing sex-drives (titled 'Women who hate sex' or something). I was stunned. Ex and I struggled with the same issue in the relationship I spoke about, where we also had issues about communication and control.

 

Which is why I feel Twenty is onto something, but that it goes deeper then Green feeling listless for the last few days. Basically: the differing sex-drives is what informs the passive-agressiveness on her side.

 

Yes, she might fear losing him. But also, I think he might be taking too much responsibility for the well-being of the relationship, and that is what is stiffling her and making her accuse him of 'lecturing'. Also would explain her trantrums, in that they would be her way to try and assert herself in the relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I hope you don't mind me re-quoting from your other thread Green but I think this is very important to add some balance to your situation, I have a feeling your girlfriend is lashing out in extreme ways (now that I piece it all together) because she may be misinterpreting the actions you described in the above statement, as a sign that you no longer have interest in her. It sounds like you may be going through a bit of a depression and if she does not understand this she may think it is because you are not happy with her. When we live together in a relationship our routine behaviors and any change small or large, will affect our partners.

 

Moving to another bed in the middle of the night, as good as your intentions were and I do believe you had good intention, to her it represents yet another symptom to her suspicions that you are "losing interest" in her.

 

Have you discussed with her what has been going on with you as of late?

 

Green, has her libido increased? Are you two managing those issues?

 

I'm asking because this thread and your other thread about her claiming to 'dislike' sex reminds me of my relationship with my ex. We both struggled to communicate, we both felt like the other was only looking out for his or her own personal interest and we each made mistakes and had blow outs about very small things (in retrospect).

 

I lost my sex-drive in that relationship... I feel this was in part because we didn't know how to communicate, and in part because I felt stifled. I felt like if I didn't stand my ground and watch out, I would get swallowed whole and the relationship would be all about his well-being and not mine. I no longer think that's a fair assessment.

 

Now I think that what I misunderstood was that he perceived himself, as a man, to be the 'provider' of the relationship. This meant that he took upon himself the charge of making sure that I was happy. Only, in doing that, he was also disempowering me as a partner in the relationship. He often felt, for instance, that he knew best what would benefit me, while I felt like what he felt was 'best' actually undermined my capacity to make my own decisions as a reasonable and well-adjusted adult.

 

So yeah, a lot of our fights were about who was controlling whom. He felt like I didn't trust him and I felt like he didn't trust me.

 

Yet we were madly in love with each other.

 

A year after we broke up we talked about our perception of the relationship and why it failed. That's the first time he told me he felt it failed because he could never make me happy. That was the first time I realized what was behind what I perceived to be 'his need for control'.

 

Maybe this doesn't apply to you - but if it does, let me know and I will see if I can come up with some advice... Or maybe you can come up with some insights into your own situation... Or maybe some other member of the forum will.

Edited February 5, 2010 by Kamille

[Trialbyfire]

Kamille, he also made some references to her behaviour, in regards to male friends and coworkers. It's a long thread, one where he's projected her inability to handle cross-gender relationships, to the all-encompassing statement of "don't let your g/f have male friends". To find those posts will take some serious time within that thread.

 

There are some serious issues going on within this relationship.

[Kamille]

I browsed through a few of Green's post in that thread. He himself at one point states that his stance, that 'Men should never let their gf hang out with other men' isn't relegated to his own situation so much as a response to other threads. Maybe at one point in the 20+ pages thread he talks about issues pertaining to his gf in perticular. If so, please help me and tell me at about what page that would be.

 

But, again, I think the thread points to the fact that Green perceives himself as being the one who has to ensure that the relationship is healthy.

 

In the first 10 pages or so of that thread, he doesn't say that he personally struggles with the fact that his gf has male friends and hangs out with them. Instead he makes it a 'general rule' that all males should observe.

 

Guess what, ex did the 'general rule' thing and it was annoying as hell. It positioned the Ex as the 'holder of truth' and disempowered me.

 

Also, notice how, in that thread, he basically says that women are too naive to realize that men only befriend them because they want to sleep with them? He's basically saying 'he knows better' then she would and he 'knows better then her' how she should manage her relationships with members of the opposite sex.

 

He could have approached the issue at a more personal level instead of making it a 'general rule' if this really is an issue in his relationship. At the core of his concern is the well-being of the relaitonship, yet by making this a rule that women are unable to manage friendships with members of the opposite sex (who only befriend women because they want to sleep with them believes Green), he doesn't allow space for discussion. And he certainly isn't listening for her input.

[Green]

UPDATE: We did make up last night. We went to bed togather. I woke up around the same time and woke her up and said I was going to the other bed. We had a nice day today.

 

Green, what kind of family environment did she come from? More often than not, this will define how she manages conflict. Same goes for you.

 

Her family is divorced. I know it affects her, but I don't think it means she is headed for the same fate.

 

Yikes.

Sorry to hear that, feuding with your gf is a horrible feeling. It's hard to talk when shots are being fired left and right. Sometimes you have to be the bigger man and respond to an accusation with kindness. Just tell her you understand why she is upset and try to get to the meat of the issue with calm words and constructive moods. It'll payoff in the end.

 

Yes it does pay off in the end.

 

Never ever leave it as it is though, talk about it. Make her sit down with you and settle the issue!

 

Pretty much how it went down.

 

Wow! This bed thing is really getting blown out of proportion. I'm really sorry you two are struggling.

 

Perhaps before you tackle the bed issue you two should have a calm conversation about how to discuss issues?

 

See, here, you both totally went for a tit for tat approach:

 

 

Why are you guys making accusations? How is making accusations helpful in any way? Relationships are not about figuring out who's responsible for the problem (or who is more in the wrong), they're about figuring out a solution that works for both individuals. Sounds to me like you're both too focused on self-defense to allow conflict to help you both grow as a couple. Any idea why that would be?

 

Really, to me it sounds like the bed isn't the issue as much as 1) some underlying issue about control which 2) renders communication an impossible terrain.

 

I've been there and we did make grounds, but we had to shift our thinking: we came to focus more on how we communicate about issues and not so much about what the issue was. We had to remind ourselves that we loved each other and each wanted what was best for the relationship. We also did a few 'listening' exercises. If he said something that angered me I would repeat it in question form: 'So, if I understand you correctly, you feel that I am lecturing you when I do xyz' Usually, that helps the other person feel like you are at least listening to them and helps partners snap out of defensive mood.

 

That being said, you both need to come up with communication strategies together. In no way should one of you impose a communication style. You can suggest things, but not assert them as the way to go.

 

I agree, communication strategies are needed.

 

I completely agree with kamille... it looks as if you discuss issues with the aim of achieving a win/lose situation, and your communication dynamics leave much to be desired - I'm sure you'll agree.

Kamille gives excellent advice here.

I would also add, investigate the speaker/listener technique.

It can help you approach each other constructively, instead of tearing each other apart.

 

Because as I said earlier - this isn't about the bed.

 

Yeah you're both right.

 

I would normally agree with the de-escalation approach but this incident, is blatantly inequitable and any adult should be able to see their own responsibility in this issue, and have apologized on their own.

 

Sometimes you have to take a stand on matters, rather than just keeping the peace. Keep rolling over for this kind of issue and it will only enable her childishness and self-indulgence.

 

I don't think it has reached that point yet. And as Kamille responded I'm not perfect either. Technicaly I did take a stand, peace was very much broken until we made up. I never apologized for wanting an apology. I think she had it in her head I didn't want her being sad. I said its fine if your sad, but please don't yell at me like that. I did yell back at her, so its not like I just took it.

 

I share that sentiment and am now thinking the same thing you mentioned earlier that this a deeper issue not the bed.

 

I read Green's thread from a few days about about "Losing it" and he states this in the opening paragpraph:

 

All of a sudden I just stoped caring. I feel so lazy and everything I care about has stopped. I'm not playing video games. I have a messed up sex drive. Havn't been going to the gym in like a week although I plan on going tonight. Everything scares me.

 

I feel like all I do is waste time, like just making myself food is a chore and all food tastes so bland. Maybe I'm getting the wrong foods, I plan on treating myself to thai resteraunt as a reward if I go to the gym again tonight.

 

I hope you don't mind me re-quoting from your other thread Green but I think this is very important to add some balance to your situation, I have a feeling your girlfriend is lashing out in extreme ways (now that I piece it all together) because she may be misinterpreting the actions you described in the above statement, as a sign that you no longer have interest in her. It sounds like you may be going through a bit of a depression and if she does not understand this she may think it is because you are not happy with her. When we live together in a relationship our routine behaviors and any change small or large, will affect our partners.

 

Moving to another bed in the middle of the night, as good as your intentions were and I do believe you had good intention, to her it represents yet another symptom to her suspicions that you are "losing interest" in her.

 

Have you discussed with her what has been going on with you as of late?

 

Yes I have discussed it. I feel alot better then when I made that post. And yes she did acuse me of losing interest. Seriously though it had only to do with her sleep and my sleep.

 

I looked back and found the thread about the differing sex-drives (titled 'Women who hate sex' or something). I was stunned. Ex and I struggled with the same issue in the relationship I spoke about, where we also had issues about communication and control.

 

Which is why I feel Twenty is onto something, but that it goes deeper then Green feeling listless for the last few days. Basically: the differing sex-drives is what informs the passive-agressiveness on her side.

 

Yes, she might fear losing him. But also, I think he might be taking too much responsibility for the well-being of the relationship, and that is what is stiffling her and making her accuse him of 'lecturing'. Also would explain her trantrums, in that they would be her way to try and assert herself in the relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

Green, has her libido increased? Are you two managing those issues?

 

I'm asking because this thread and your other thread about her claiming to 'dislike' sex reminds me of my relationship with my ex. We both struggled to communicate, we both felt like the other was only looking out for his or her own personal interest and we each made mistakes and had blow outs about very small things (in retrospect).

 

I lost my sex-drive in that relationship... I feel this was in part because we didn't know how to communicate, and in part because I felt stifled. I felt like if I didn't stand my ground and watch out, I would get swallowed whole and the relationship would be all about his well-being and not mine. I no longer think that's a fair assessment.

 

Now I think that what I misunderstood was that he perceived himself, as a man, to be the 'provider' of the relationship. This meant that he took upon himself the charge of making sure that I was happy. Only, in doing that, he was also disempowering me as a partner in the relationship. He often felt, for instance, that he knew best what would benefit me, while I felt like what he felt was 'best' actually undermined my capacity to make my own decisions as a reasonable and well-adjusted adult.

 

So yeah, a lot of our fights were about who was controlling whom. He felt like I didn't trust him and I felt like he didn't trust me.

 

Yet we were madly in love with each other.

 

A year after we broke up we talked about our perception of the relationship and why it failed. That's the first time he told me he felt it failed because he could never make me happy. That was the first time I realized what was behind what I perceived to be 'his need for control'.

 

Maybe this doesn't apply to you - but if it does, let me know and I will see if I can come up with some advice... Or maybe you can come up with some insights into your own situation... Or maybe some other member of the forum will.

 

It might apply to me. I don't feel like our relationship will fail though. I want to make her happy and feel I do.

 

Kamille, he also made some references to her behaviour, in regards to male friends and coworkers. It's a long thread, one where he's projected her inability to handle cross-gender relationships, to the all-encompassing statement of "don't let your g/f have male friends". To find those posts will take some serious time within that thread.

 

There are some serious issues going on within this relationship.

 

Its a fear of mine that my gf will come across these threads and know their author.

 

I browsed through a few of Green's post in that thread. He himself at one point states that his stance, that 'Men should never let their gf hang out with other men' isn't relegated to his own situation so much as a response to other threads. Maybe at one point in the 20+ pages thread he talks about issues pertaining to his gf in perticular. If so, please help me and tell me at about what page that would be.

 

But, again, I think the thread points to the fact that Green perceives himself as being the one who has to ensure that the relationship is healthy.

 

In the first 10 pages or so of that thread, he doesn't say that he personally struggles with the fact that his gf has male friends and hangs out with them. Instead he makes it a 'general rule' that all males should observe.

 

Guess what, ex did the 'general rule' thing and it was annoying as hell. It positioned the Ex as the 'holder of truth' and disempowered me.

 

Also, notice how, in that thread, he basically says that women are too naive to realize that men only befriend them because they want to sleep with them? He's basically saying 'he knows better' then she would and he 'knows better then her' how she should manage her relationships with members of the opposite sex.

 

He could have approached the issue at a more personal level instead of making it a 'general rule' if this really is an issue in his relationship. At the core of his concern is the well-being of the relaitonship, yet by making this a rule that women are unable to manage friendships with members of the opposite sex (who only befriend women because they want to sleep with them believes Green), he doesn't allow space for discussion. And he certainly isn't listening for her input.

 

Now your just getting off topic, though I'm flattered how deep you go when advising me on the internet. Girls can and should be friends with who ever they want. What I don't think is that men or women in a relationship should have such blury lines that calling a member of the oposite sex up for a date night is something that is ok. (this would include going to dinner, concerts, movies ect.) even if there is no kissing or sex.