mmk1 Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 A friend and I had a discussion after the right thing to do following an A. According to her Christian beliefs, she says the right thing to do if you have an affair is to ask foregiveness to your married person's spouse. However, she said you should only do this if the married person's spouse already knows about the A, but not if they do not. To be consistent, I think it shouldn't matter, although I feel its a bad idea to confess to them anyway. What's the concensus out there because my married person's spouse does not know about the A and I think its a bad idea to tell them and ask foregiveness. The pain you would cause the married person and their family seems to greatly outweigh the spirtual benefit you would derive from confessing to them and asking their foregiveness. Plus it seems totally selfish. Any thoughts?
OpenBook Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 My two cents: After the A ends, the best, kindest and most merciful thing you could do is LEAVE THEM ALONE.
reboot Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 My two cents: After the A ends, the best, kindest and most merciful thing you could do is LEAVE THEM ALONE. Yup. According to her Christian beliefs she shouldn't have been diddling some other woman's husband in the first place. Ask her God for forgiveness, leave them alone.
TaraMaiden Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 The Christian friend wasn't having an affair, so if I understand you right, and that's what you're thinking, this response is partly inaccurate. Read the op again....it's ambiguous....
SleepingDog Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 This married woman deserves to know about it because then she can make her own mind up about her marriage. The pain is not caused by the messenger, but by the affair. What if the W finds out in 5 years? That would be much worse. However, I feel informing her in order to ask for forgiveness is a totally selfish thing to do. First she was selfish enough to have an affair, now she is so selfish she wants to add insult to injury so she can claim 'spiritual benefit'. 'Hey, sorry, I slept with your H, btw can you forgive me so I am OK with God again?' In any case, it is hardly likely she'll get it. I know I had only barely the strength to forgive my W, I have none left for OM. I won't ever forgive him. I'll laugh if he dies and I will spit on his grave. Why would she forgive her? I would tell her to go to Hell.
reboot Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 The Christian friend wasn't having an affair, so if I understand you right, and that's what you're thinking, this response is partly inaccurate. Read the op again....it's ambiguous.... You're right. My opinion remains the same though.
Author mmk1 Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 I apologize for the ambiquity. Its more a philosophical discussion I was having with my friend. Just hypothetically, we were discussing a common friend's affair and whether that person was right in asking the forgiveness from the spouse of the man she had an affair with. My friend said that was consistent with her Christian upbringing, to ask for forgiveness from someone you hurt. But, she said that a person should only ask forgiveness from a spouse who already knows about the A, but not if they don't. I just thought that was inconsistent with the stated religious purpose. To be clear, I do not favor apologizing to the spouse under any circumstances but I wondered if anyone felt her distinction was correct.
2sure Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 I beg to differ. I think that when the affair ends and the affair partner is told or realizes that they have wronged and hurt the BS...an apology is definitely in order. But to ask for the favor of forgiveness? While certainly a sincere apology might help the BS to forgive and move on...for the affair partner to ask the BS for it, seems like way too much.
SleepingDog Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 An apology could help, but only if it is sincere, and only if the BS is seeking contact with the OP. This just looks to me like spiritual self-gratification. The 'philospohical' OP has just committed a morally extremely abject and extremely hurtful act. Rather than taking the interest of the OP in account she is wallowing in self pity, and now is trying to regain some self-esteem by asking forgiveness so she can ejaculate goodwill all over herself. She does not care that the BS will be in a pain that cannot be imagined by someone who hasn't lived through it, will not recover for many years and always will have some scars left. The OP simply walks away and can feel good about herself.
Spark1111 Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 I think you can beg God for forgiveness AND.... the betrayed spouse only if they contact you.
bentnotbroken Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 I beg to differ. I think that when the affair ends and the affair partner is told or realizes that they have wronged and hurt the BS...an apology is definitely in order. But to ask for the favor of forgiveness? While certainly a sincere apology might help the BS to forgive and move on...for the affair partner to ask the BS for it, seems like way too much. I agree with this. My understanding is that a person only asks forgiveness from God, but they should go to the BS and apologize. It is one of the things that the Lord requires of us to go to those we have offended. But to ask that person's forgiveness would be adding insult to injury. The BS has to come to forgiveness on their own. It is offered out of sincerity not obligation.
confusedinkansas Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 My opinion It is not the business of the opposite affair partner - to tell the other spouse or to ask forgiveness (which seems REALLY silly in retrospect considering what was going on) ........Wow - that's confusing. I'll use my affair - It's not my business to go to my affair partners wife & tell her or ask her for forgiveness. It's highly doubtful that she'd give it to me anyway. Even if she knew about the affair. Just as - visa versa - it's not my affair partner's business to meddle in my marriage. It's only MY business to tell my husband & ask his forgiveness - or My affair partner to ask his wife's forgiveness. Why should anyone care one way or the other if the spouse forgives them!!?? As for the "right thing" & what God would think, Anyone's relationship with God - is just that, Their relationship. (same as in a marriage) It's no one else's business.
bentnotbroken Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 My opinion It is not the business of the opposite affair partner - to tell the other spouse or to ask forgiveness (which seems REALLY silly in retrospect considering what was going on) ........Wow - that's confusing. I'll use my affair - It's not my business to go to my affair partners wife & tell her or ask her for forgiveness. It's highly doubtful that she'd give it to me anyway. Even if she knew about the affair. Just as - visa versa - it's not my affair partner's business to meddle in my marriage. It's only MY business to tell my husband & ask his forgiveness - or My affair partner to ask his wife's forgiveness. Why should anyone care one way or the other if the spouse forgives them!!?? As for the "right thing" & what God would think, Anyone's relationship with God - is just that, Their relationship. (same as in a marriage) It's no one else's business. It was my understanding that the OP was asking the question in the context of what God would think and want. That's why it was answered in that context. The question came from a Christian context. Yes, a personal relationship with God is just that personal, but according to the Word of God that person's actions should reflect the relationship one has with God and should bear fruits from that relationship in the form of doing what God requires of each of us. We all fail at some point, but it does not excuse us from the requirement.
Disintegration Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Well personally I think if you are unfaithful and your spouse does not know, I still think you should inform them of it. I would want to know no matter how hurtful it may be, and we know how devastating it would be to know your spouse was involved without someone romantically. I just don't think it is right to be deceitful towards your spouse lying to them deciding for them if they want to continue on with a betrayer. Some can forgive while others would leave in a heartbeat. It varies with each couple. I know I couldn't stay with someone who went behind my back and continually lied while I was thinking everything was fine. If you have an affair and don't tell your spouse of it you are still lying to them even if you've asked the lord for forgiveness.
Disintegration Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 While we are on the subject, I was wondering....Does it state in the bible that if you commit adultery you have to inform your spouse? If so is there a verse you can give a reference to?
Malenfant Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 personally, if a woman was having an affair with my H, if she told me about it, i've got to say forgiveness wouldn't be top on my list of things to feel towards her. actually, i'd think 'the bl**dy cheek' having my man, and then having the audacity to ask me to forgive her! that sort of says 'its fine to do bad things to people as long as they end up forgiving you. forgiveness isnt about relieving the cheater of their sins, its about allowing the BS to move on.
Samantha0905 Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 While we are on the subject, I was wondering....Does it state in the bible that if you commit adultery you have to inform your spouse? If so is there a verse you can give a reference to? Here's an interesting perspective: Should those involved in affairs confess to their spouse? Let me answer three different scenarios: 1. If the faithful spouse suspects an affair, the straying spouse should answer honestly and with humility. 2. If the staying spouse is currently involved in an affair, but wants to cease the affair and remain with his or her mate, he should go see a professional counselor or trusted advisor immediately. All contact with the adulterous partner should be discontinued. If the spouse has indicated suspicions of the affair, it should be confessed. If not, the counselor may need to give guidance on a case-by-case basis. 3. If a person had an affair many years ago, but has remained faithful since then, it may not be advantageous to confess. The purpose of confession in these cases is usually to relieve a guilty conscience. This is unfair to the faithful spouse, because hearing the confession can be devastating. We feel a better route is to pursue forgiveness from God without causing unnecessary pain to the innocent spouse. However, questions should be answered honestly if the spouse asks, even after many years.I agree with that assessment. Keep in mind -- biblical interpretations vary: One biblical perspective: http://biblicalcounseling.com/adultery.htm Another perspective: As for the confession of our sins to people, the Bible gives no blanket command. We are told many times to confess our sins to the Lord, but the only direct command to confess to someone else is in the context of church elders praying on behalf of the sick (James 5:16). While our forgiveness with God is not dependent on our confessing our sins to others and/or their forgiving us, God does call us to be honest and forthcoming with others regarding our failings, especially when it involves them. When we have offended, hurt, or sinned against others, we should seek to offer a sincere apology and confession and ask for forgiveness. Whether the forgiveness is granted is up to those who were confessed to. Our responsibility is to genuinely repent, confess the sin, and ask for forgiveness. Link: http://www.gotquestions.org/confess-sin-against.html A (long) psychological perspective: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity
zwieback.toast Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 The Other Person/Affair Partner should most definitely tell the Betrayed Spouse, because the Betrayed Spouse has a right to know that their spouse has cheated on them. If for no other reason than to get tested for STD's. But, the Affair Partner should neither ask for, nor expect, forgiveness.
reboot Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 The Other Person/Affair Partner should most definitely tell the Betrayed Spouse, because the Betrayed Spouse has a right to know that their spouse has cheated on them. If for no other reason than to get tested for STD's. But, the Affair Partner should neither ask for, nor expect, forgiveness. Gotta disagree. The WS is the one that should tell.
Disintegration Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Here's an interesting perspective: I agree with that assessment. Keep in mind -- biblical interpretations vary: One biblical perspective: http://biblicalcounseling.com/adultery.htm Another perspective: As for the confession of our sins to people, the Bible gives no blanket command. We are told many times to confess our sins to the Lord, but the only direct command to confess to someone else is in the context of church elders praying on behalf of the sick (James 5:16). While our forgiveness with God is not dependent on our confessing our sins to others and/or their forgiving us, God does call us to be honest and forthcoming with others regarding our failings, especially when it involves them. When we have offended, hurt, or sinned against others, we should seek to offer a sincere apology and confession and ask for forgiveness. Whether the forgiveness is granted is up to those who were confessed to. Our responsibility is to genuinely repent, confess the sin, and ask for forgiveness. Link: http://www.gotquestions.org/confess-sin-against.html A (long) psychological perspective: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity Thank you for the information. I was actually having a discussion with a friend yesterday about this very topic, and I was curious as to what it stated in the bible. My friend made a bold statement saying that everything in the bible isn't literal, which I disagree with.
Samantha0905 Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Thank you for the information. I was actually having a discussion with a friend yesterday about this very topic, and I was curious as to what it stated in the bible. My friend made a bold statement saying that everything in the bible isn't literal, which I disagree with. I think everything in the Bible is literal, but people do take verses out of context at times. It's important to look at the context and history of things that are written in the Bible. For instance, we don't stone our neighbors who are sinners, etc. anymore. It's not legal.
zwieback.toast Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Gotta disagree. The WS is the one that should tell. Re-read what I wrote. I never said the WS didn't have an obligation to tell the BS.
BlueeyedJonesy Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 To a christian person yes...it is a sin. "Thou shall not covet thy neighbors wife". If you have a close relationship with God..he he is the one you should be asking for forgiveness from. If I slept with someones H I would for sure apologize to his W..I just don't want that to weigh in my heart. everyones different.
Recommended Posts