Leia Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 My boyfriend can be so sweet and loving, and we would have a lot of fun talking/laughing while studying together but sometimes, he drives me nut when he asks for my help with his papers. English isn't his first language and I would say that he is used to using the same, simple words for his papers that whenever he needs my help to rephrase, he has a hard time accepting my choice of words. It has the same meaning to whatever he wrote, I just use better words especially for a written paper. The problem is, we'd end up arguing over this and he'd tell me I change his papers to a whole another meaning! I have come to a point where I tell him if you don't think MY English is THAT good, then don't ask for my help?!! He said that it will only take his sister a minute to read the paragraph and work on it in less than what I took to do it. I said well, better for you to ask your sister to do it, right?! I don't mind helping him, in fact, I love helping him out but I can't take it at times. He drives me crazy!
Itzo Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 My boyfriend can be so sweet and loving, and we would have a lot of fun talking/laughing while studying together but sometimes, he drives me nut when he asks for my help with his papers. English isn't his first language and I would say that he is used to using the same, simple words for his papers that whenever he needs my help to rephrase, he has a hard time accepting my choice of words. It has the same meaning to whatever he wrote, I just use better words especially for a written paper. The problem is, we'd end up arguing over this and he'd tell me I change his papers to a whole another meaning! I have come to a point where I tell him if you don't think MY English is THAT good, then don't ask for my help?!! He said that it will only take his sister a minute to read the paragraph and work on it in less than what I took to do it. I said well, better for you to ask your sister to do it, right?! I don't mind helping him, in fact, I love helping him out but I can't take it at times. He drives me crazy! One of you have to step back a little ... you know both of you are attacking each other for small things. This affects your well-being and the relationship in general. Things like this are normal & understandable Just cool down ... get some exercise and forget it
meerkat stew Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Editing an SO's work is a recipe for annoyance on both ends, especially with the language issue. Was a TA in a past life, and it was ironic that the best writers wanted the most help and criticism, but didn't need it, and the worst writers, who needed the most help, were more resistant to being helped. Funny how that works, isn't it? Let him go to his sister, as you say, if he doesn't like your more thorough help.
Author Leia Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 One of you have to step back a little ... you know both of you are attacking each other for small things. This affects your well-being and the relationship in general. Things like this are normal & understandable Just cool down ... get some exercise and forget it I'll get some exercise alright and it won't be involving him! It is normal but this is something new to me. I've been out with a number of guys but this guy, I'm totally into him and I'm afraid I might get so annoyed at him that things will be difficult for us both Editing an SO's work is a recipe for annoyance on both ends, especially with the language issue. Was a TA in a past life, and it was ironic that the best writers wanted the most help and criticism, but didn't need it, and the worst writers, who needed the most help, were more resistant to being helped. Funny how that works, isn't it? Let him go to his sister, as you say, if he doesn't like your more thorough help. You're right about the annoying part of it! For example : "it weighs at ... " and "the weight is ... " ~ it has the same meaning, no? He hung up on me while I was explaining to him so I logged out from YM cause I was so angry. Now, I don't feel angry ... I feel bad for logging out
Itzo Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 I'll get some exercise alright and it won't be involving him! It is normal but this is something new to me. I've been out with a number of guys but this guy, I'm totally into him and I'm afraid I might get so annoyed at him that things will be difficult for us both You're right about the annoying part of it! For example : "it weighs at ... " and "the weight is ... " ~ it has the same meaning, no? He hung up on me while I was explaining to him so I logged out from YM cause I was so angry. Now, I don't feel angry ... I feel bad for logging out Just go and say ... I am sorry ... I am gonna make it up to you or whatever ... try to do it in person. You feel bad, because you miss him.
Author Leia Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 Just go and say ... I am sorry ... I am gonna make it up to you or whatever ... try to do it in person. You feel bad, because you miss him. He hung up on me Shouldn't he apologise? Gah. I wish I could go over and see him. He lives on campus and at the moment, I'm stuck babysitting my baby sister.
Itzo Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 He hung up on me Shouldn't he apologise? Gah. I wish I could go over and see him. He lives on campus and at the moment, I'm stuck babysitting my baby sister. No-no .. you have to do it. If he pushes you again ... show your crazy-ass behavior ... and do not bother anymore. But do not be too needy. Just show some good and calm behavior in a playful way or whatever feels comfortable with YOUR personality! Since you are stuck with babysitting ... do it tomorrow. In person ... say baby I want to appologise to you ... I feel bad when we are arguing or whatever men LOVE when you step back ... (at least I do )
counterman Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Haha, that's so funny! I could be very annoying, especially when you guys don't agree. Get him to ask his sister if he strongly disagrees with your help. Though, it's so worthwhile when they go "that's very good, honey! keep going" One of the very few times I felt good about myself with my ex, when I read her work and made suggestions and she took them and asked me for more.
Author Leia Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 He tells me when he's very happy with my work. You know how it feels like to have someone [remember, English isn't his first language] tell you what you wrote is wrong when her/his spellings are also bad? That is what that bugs the hell out of me! Why ask for my favour, over and over again if he isn't happy? Why not just ask his sister?! Now I am feeling angry all over again. I saw him online a minute ago and I asked if he's ok, he replied that he is busy correcting what I did earlier! Wtf?
Itzo Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 He tells me when he's very happy with my work. You know how it feels like to have someone [remember, English isn't his first language] tell you what you wrote is wrong when her/his spellings are also bad? That is what that bugs the hell out of me! Why ask for my favour, over and over again if he isn't happy? Why not just ask his sister?! Now I am feeling angry all over again. I saw him online a minute ago and I asked if he's ok, he replied that he is busy correcting what I did earlier! Wtf? This is the lesson for you to not date foreign students, because obviously the language is a barrier. It is really annoying, especially if he's from another culture ... people have different way of looking at things Is he french?
Itzo Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 He tells me when he's very happy with my work. You know how it feels like to have someone [remember, English isn't his first language] tell you what you wrote is wrong when her/his spellings are also bad? That is what that bugs the hell out of me! Why ask for my favour, over and over again if he isn't happy? Why not just ask his sister?! Now I am feeling angry all over again. I saw him online a minute ago and I asked if he's ok, he replied that he is busy correcting what I did earlier! Wtf? This is a good lesson for you not to deal with foreign students I mean the problem it is not in the foreigners, but the language is a real barrier.
counterman Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 You are really getting worked up over this! LOL. I know it isn't funny but I can't help it. I guess just don't take it as a reflection of your own and your capabilities but rather as an expression of his personality. It could be that if his sister provided the exact same suggestions as you, he would agree with her but not you (that could be far from the truth). But, either way, I can see your frustration. Why ask for your help if he won't be happy with it? I don't like it when someone tells me I am wrong either when there is no one right answers. Maybe he could have been more agreeable, seeing that english is his second language, and discuss more options until the two of you reach something that you both can agree on. As for messaging him online, he was probably always going to swoop on you, whatever you said. Just a bit of fun but maybe not for you. Remember, don't take it as an insult to you.
Author Leia Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 You are really getting worked up over this! LOL. I know it isn't funny but I can't help it. I guess just don't take it as a reflection of your own and your capabilities but rather as an expression of his personality. It could be that if his sister provided the exact same suggestions as you, he would agree with her but not you (that could be far from the truth). But, either way, I can see your frustration. Why ask for your help if he won't be happy with it? I don't like it when someone tells me I am wrong either when there is no one right answers. Maybe he could have been more agreeable, seeing that english is his second language, and discuss more options until the two of you reach something that you both can agree on. As for messaging him online, he was probably always going to swoop on you, whatever you said. Just a bit of fun but maybe not for you. Remember, don't take it as an insult to you. I am NOT! :p I don't feel insulted, neither do I feel offended whenever he says his sister is better. He could be right, she could be better [he talks about his sister endlessly sometimes, about how intelligent she is, how her English is the best in the family and more] and I really don't mind but why ask for my help then? Why can't he email her and GET her to help him? As for now, we are both not talking to one another. I feel a bit at ease
boogieboy Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 but why ask for my help then? Why can't he email her and GET her to help him? Why ask for your help? because its easier to ask you, and you always cave when you know its going to go bad anyway. You conditioned him to ask you even when hes ungrateful. You say no next time "go ask your sister" and leave it at that. You afraid to say no to him?
Trialbyfire Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Leia, think of it in the same way people in general, consider learning driving from an SO. Avoid at all costs since the aggravation isn't worth the return. When we care about someone, we want to help them, especially when they ask for help. But if someone can't handle the type of help we give, it's time for them to find someone who can give them the type of help they can handle. I suspect it's an ego/pride conflict on his part, which makes it his issue and also, not an issue you should shoulder.
Author Leia Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 Leia, think of it in the same way people in general, consider learning driving from an SO. Avoid at all costs since the aggravation isn't worth the return. When we care about someone, we want to help them, especially when they ask for help. But if someone can't handle the type of help we give, it's time for them to find someone who can give them the type of help they can handle. I suspect it's an ego/pride conflict on his part, which makes it his issue and also, not an issue you should shoulder. It must be that when I think about it. He doesn't have a lot of people here that can help him. His friends don't speak English that much, his is much better than the rest and he doesn't have a lot of local friends to help him out so he depends on me. The time difference makes it impossible for him to ask help from his sister ... so again, there's me. This is my first relationship that I really find the guy very interesting. In fact, I focus on this relationship more than I ever did in the past. I would really like to make this work but at the same time, I feel this whole English thing could be a problem ... for us. Or maybe I'm making this a big deal?
Trialbyfire Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 It must be that when I think about it. He doesn't have a lot of people here that can help him. His friends don't speak English that much, his is much better than the rest and he doesn't have a lot of local friends to help him out so he depends on me. The time difference makes it impossible for him to ask help from his sister ... so again, there's me. This is my first relationship that I really find the guy very interesting. In fact, I focus on this relationship more than I ever did in the past. I would really like to make this work but at the same time, I feel this whole English thing could be a problem ... for us. Or maybe I'm making this a big deal?While I understand what you're saying, some things just aren't worth it, in that the more you remove elements that cause friction, the easier the relationship will be. Just tell him to get help elsewhere, since helping appears to degenerate into an argument, for whatever reason(s).
Author Leia Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 While I understand what you're saying, some things just aren't worth it, in that the more you remove elements that cause friction, the easier the relationship will be. Just tell him to get help elsewhere, since helping appears to degenerate into an argument, for whatever reason(s). Ok, got it. I'll give him a call later to talk about this. We usually don't drag an issue for over a day, he likes to settle things there and then but I was so upset that I didn't want to talk.
counterman Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 I thought what you said, TBF, about learning driving from an SO and I could only imagine all the arguments that can spur from that. Just tell him to get help elsewhere, since helping appears to degenerate into an argument, for whatever reason(s). Yeah, that is probably best. But, it could be harder for him to find someone (other than his sister) that would be more willing to help and someone who is convenient.
Trialbyfire Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Ok, got it. I'll give him a call later to talk about this. We usually don't drag an issue for over a day, he likes to settle things there and then but I was so upset that I didn't want to talk.Good luck, however way you end up addressing this!
Trialbyfire Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 I thought what you said, TBF, about learning driving from an SO and I could only imagine all the arguments that can spur from that.I've yet to hear a successful story when SOs try to teach/learn how to drive from each other. Every story is fraught full of unnecessary drama.
whichwayisup Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 There are just some things that couples should NOT do together! 1)Income taxes. 2)Rip up carpets from the floor. Actually, any type of "reno" job around the house. Especially if you're married to "mr fix it" who likes things done his way and will tell you over and over again how do it right, even though you're doing it 'right', aka not his way. I stop now... Can you hire a tutor for him? Or someone who teaches english as a second language? Might be helpful and less stressful for you.
meerkat stew Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 OP, maybe you two should try to get on The Amazing Race TV show Sounds like ya'll would be a crowd pleaser.
Author Leia Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 There are just some things that couples should NOT do together! 1)Income taxes. 2)Rip up carpets from the floor. Actually, any type of "reno" job around the house. Especially if you're married to "mr fix it" who likes things done his way and will tell you over and over again how do it right, even though you're doing it 'right', aka not his way. I stop now... Can you hire a tutor for him? Or someone who teaches english as a second language? Might be helpful and less stressful for you. That sounds like my sister and her husband! I hate visiting when I know they are going to do some self-renovating. Honestly ... I think the tutor would give up on him! Maybe I will suggest that. He lives on campus so it is actually easier for him to get help although the number of students that is taking the same course with him is very small ~ about 7 students and he is the only one living on campus. He doesn't understand that when it comes to explaining technical stuff, there's usually just one way of explaining it and words are limited, and he goes off telling me that I'm not helping
jenifer1972 Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 We women tend to easily fall into "helper" roles with those we love and it is not good. Because then the playing field is no longer "even" and one becomes "teacher" and the other must either submit to being "the taught" or "rebel against teacher". Don't be co-dependent with him. If he flunks because his grammar is poor, so be it. That is his problem to figure out. Don't be like "mommy" running after him to catch him before he falls. "Little boys" resent that..... just take a step...WAY back, and drop this tutoring thing....
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