living in an opera?

[vonbiber4]

New to these things... bear with me. Its long, I know, but its a lot to tell.

I think I have found my "true love", except our situation is truly as dramatic as an opera. I started dating this guy 6 years ago-- we were high school sweethearts and dated for 2 years in high school, then tried long distance on and off for a year while at different colleges. It didn't work-- he wanted to be free and experience life, and I realized I was trying for something I also really didn't want. Through it all we always knew we loved eachother, but we knew that through the 14 hour difference between our colleges, it just wasn't going to work. So we parted- a had a few "serious" relationships, and actually became engaged to someone(but we broke up), and in between all that explored the college life. He never dated anyone seriously after me, a few flings here in there like I had between my relationships. Throughout these 3 years of all this happening he would either randomly show up where I was or we happened to be in NYC at the same time. Each time was amazing-- our connection grew, we had so much fun in eachothers presence, we became better friends, and our love grew. However, most times he would say or abstractly/ physically say (thats his style) that he was still in love with me, and that he wanted me in his life. Most times I would reply with, especially since during a few of them I was in a relationship, that I would be there as his friend but would not put forth the effort since I was the one that held everything together before. So, we saw eachother before I left to go overseas last summer and he tells me not to fall for any guys there because he'd be waiting. The whole evening was amazing, and I couldn't stop thinking about him, even though I dated others. We barely talked on the phone... as in like once every 2 or 3 months... thats his "Style"... he's the vagabond wanderer musician type, and I am the more compartmentalized classical musician. Then finally he shows up randomly last weekend-- I freak out because I had a BF, lied to him about who I was hanging out with, and went to see my ex. We had an amazing time and came back to my place and made love for the first time in 3 years... so I cheated. But... I broke up with the other guy who I didn't dating for very long, and I had been meaning to break up with him anyway. Still bad, I know. All that aside, I am seeing my ex next weekend because he's driving me around while I'm at an audition. I know we will spend the whole time together, and I know he doesn't want a long distance relationship. I've realized it might be a bad idea anyway... but I feel like this is something if it keeps coming back, especially if he is always the instigator of things. I love him more than I've loved anyone, and he wasn't even my first love! I'm afraid to talk to him about this because I'm afraid of rejection, but I feel like I deserve his commitment-- its been 6 years. I know he loves me but and I love him, and I am wondering if the right thing to do is give him an ultimatum? I can just see that this can be unhealthy if we continue like this, in a half assed relationship. I know I deserve commitment, and next year we will only live 3 or 4 hours from one another, with easy train and bus access (gotta love the North East). SO... if anyone has read this much, then what are your thoughts? Thanks so much for bearing with me,

vonbiber4

[Ronni_W]

I don't have any stories of ultimatums working out well for either party. But sure, go ahead and try it if that really feels like a good thing for you to do.

 

Personally, I don't believe that commitment is something to which one somehow becomes entitled -- to say that you "deserve" somebody's commitment suggests a skewed/distorted perspective. Nobody owes it to you to promise you or give you anything.

 

I get that you want this guy to commit to you, but that's not the same as you necessarily "deserving" it or him being obligated to give it to you. I'd guess that he'll give it to you of his own free will, when he is ready.