t0ri Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 (edited) So, I'm 22 and I live with my mom. She's not cool with guys spending the night with me (she's religious). My boyfriend and I have been together for around 3 months, and I go hang out and stay the night with him at his place every night. He's been to my house once, and the few other times I've invited him, he has said no. He told me the other day, "I need to start going over to your place more," "We need to hang out with your mom, "I should go over to your place during the day." So today, I leave his place in the morning, and he says he'll come over in a little while like we had talked about. Hours roll by, and it's the evening, and he texts me saying, "Sorry I didn't come over today, I just got out of the shower." Fine, I let it go. He calls me a little while after the text, says he's at the mall with a friend, and asks if I want to come over to watch a tv show with him. I respond, "Would you want to come to my place and watch it?" His response: "No." Me: "Why not?" Him: "I just don't feel like it." A little while after he calls me, and I tell him I found it irritating that after 3 months of dating, and me going to his place every single day, he cannot come over ONE TIME that I ask him to. He then tells me it's because I live with my mom, and he'd have to "hide" spending the night. Also, because he'd feel weird going outside to smoke a cigarette or get a glass of water. And, because he has all of his stuff at his place and feels more comfortable there. We would have to "hide it," I guess, from my mom, that he'd be spending the night. I understand that that is ridiculous and feels uncomfortable, me being 22. I just thought that he might be down to just COME OVER, not even having to stay the night, just once. But he assumed since he'd be coming over, he'd have to spend the night, because as he says, "that would be weird if we hung out and didn't stay the night together." Now I'm embarrassed I even live with my mom. Blah. Comments anyone? Ideas? Am I being too available? Edited February 4, 2010 by t0ri
hersmudders Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 I can relate somewhat but on the other side. My boyfriend lives with his parents but it's a matter of circumstance and not choice. While I udnerstand that, it can still be awkward going over there. And they're completely comfortable with me there and are very welcoming but I won't spend the night. At first it was somewhat of a problem and he felt embarrassed about living with them. I'd make excuses about why I didn't want to go over there and I'd say "why don;t you come here? we have more privacy here" b/c I live wiht a roommate who has no problem if I bring anyone over. It's worked itself out well, actually. His parents like me a lot and I like htem (though I get bothered by his mom sometimes) and I have dinner over there every once and a while instead of staying the night. My advice is to definitely NOT hide it from your mom. Don't cross boundaries that could punish you later. Start small if you can...have him for dinner so your mom can get to know him (it sounds as though they don't know each other well yet at all?) and just take baby steps. You don't have to stay together every night...keep your space and don't get mad that he feels uncomfortable coming over there and lying to your mom. That's not a way to get on her good side, taht's for sure.
mprettyshoes120 Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 id guess it was cold feet about being around your mom...he likes the idea of being cool with her, but he chickened out last minute...it took my bf six months to even be ok with the idea of eating with my parents
Author t0ri Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 My advice is to definitely NOT hide it from your mom. Don't cross boundaries that could punish you later. Start small if you can...have him for dinner so your mom can get to know him (it sounds as though they don't know each other well yet at all?) and just take baby steps. You don't have to stay together every night...keep your space and don't get mad that he feels uncomfortable coming over there and lying to your mom. That's not a way to get on her good side, taht's for sure. Good advice. I'm going to just straight up ask her if she'd mind if he'd stay. I haven't talked to her about it since my last boyfriend. They've only met once, so they definitely need to have more time around each other. He said if my mom is cool with him staying the night, he'd still feel awkward and wouldn't do it. He said, "I'd still rather go home and sleep in my own bed." WTF? And no, no PS3.
hersmudders Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Good advice. I'm going to just straight up ask her if she'd mind if he'd stay. I haven't talked to her about it since my last boyfriend. They've only met once, so they definitely need to have more time around each other. He said if my mom is cool with him staying the night, he'd still feel awkward and wouldn't do it. He said, "I'd still rather go home and sleep in my own bed." WTF? And no, no PS3. look at it from his perspective though. do you guys have privacy at his place? if he has roommates, do they mind if you're tehre and leave you be? or does he live by himself? picture yourself having sex in a room with his parents down the hall. would you feel a little awkward? even if you weren't having sex when you stayed at his parents' house, would you still feel weird b/c they may assume you were doing it? ease up on him...for the sake of your relationship. i know it can get annoying always being the one to make an effort to travel even a short distance to spend time together but int he long run it may be better for you to make the effort in this area, especially if he's a good guy all around otherwise.
OnlyJake Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Where does your mom think you are all the nights you stay at your boyfriend's place? Personally, I understand where your boyfriend is coming from; I wouldn't sleep over either - I would be so uncomfortable, and more importantly, your mother, whose house it is, would be uncomfortable. As far as him not even coming over, and making lame excuses for why he can't (he wouldn't feel comfortable getting himself a drink? It would be "weird" to hang out and not sleep over? wtf?) - weak sauce! IMO, THAT should be your real issue here.
BWLoca Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Pretty lame, IMO. My boyfriend and I are in the same boat, both living with our parents. His parents don't mind if I spend the night every once in a while but my parents are religious like yours. Of course he's not thrilled at coming over to my house, since it's at least a 30 minute drive and he can't stay the night, but he makes the effort and willingly respects our home. Also, I hate going to my boyfriend's house because I'm rarely comfortable being in other people's homes. So I can understand where he's coming from with that. Maybe you can get the two of them together in a different environment so he can feel more comfortable around her? I just wouldn't recommend lying to your mom and disrespecting her house rules for a guy who can't even call to tell you he's not coming over.
clueless haha Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 he must not like someone who's living there, whether it's your mom or someone else.. i dreaded going to my ex's house because i found everyone to be annoying and too nice and they tried too much to make me feel at home... i started going there less and less. maybe your boyfriend has the same grudge
paddington bear Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 I can understand this, I was in a LTR with a boyfriend who I was living with, and he still felt uncomfortable sleeping in the same room as me in my mom's house. He insisted on sleeping in the spare room and I let him, until finally my mother said 'you guys might as well be married, why is he sleeping in the spare room?' Even with her blessing, he still felt uncomfortable. And I can understand that. Just explain to him that what you'd like is for him to come over and have dinner or a cup of coffee for an hour or so, so that your mother gets used to him and gets to know him, but this does not mean he'll be sleeping over. After that he can leave, or you guys can leave together for a date you have. It might take a few meetings with your mom for him to feel comfortable enough to come over later on at night or to stay over. He also, even when doing this, may NEVER feel comfortable sleeping over. The guy I mentioned above said he felt total guilt over the fact that he was having sex with me, like she was judging him for it, and just couldn't get over that guilty feeling.
boogieboy Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 When you have your own place, and you can do anything you please, you dont want to go back to someones house where their parents have rules. Its just childish. Thats why he doesnt want to go, he doesnt want to be told what he can and cant do. He wants to respect your mother, by not going in the first place. I see his point. If he cant even have sex with you at your place, theres no point in going. If you lived alone, it would be a different story. He might also not want to hget to know your mom yet. Might have had bad experiences with that in the past. If hes a good guy otherwise, just keep going to his place, and hurry up and get your own place. Youre an adult.
Author t0ri Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 Where does your mom think you are all the nights you stay at your boyfriend's place? Personally, I understand where your boyfriend is coming from; I wouldn't sleep over either - I would be so uncomfortable, and more importantly, your mother, whose house it is, would be uncomfortable. As far as him not even coming over, and making lame excuses for why he can't (he wouldn't feel comfortable getting himself a drink? It would be "weird" to hang out and not sleep over? wtf?) - weak sauce! IMO, THAT should be your real issue here. My mom knows that I'm staying at my boyfriend's place all the nights I'm gone. I have no reason to lie to her about that. I put myself in his shoes, and I understand why he'd feel uncomfortable, so I respect his feelings. I'm not going to ask him to do anything he feels uncomfortable doing, so I'm just going to let the whole him-staying-over thing go. BUT, him not wanting to come over at all, even just every once in a great while, and the no good excuses, bother me. I think it's weird all around for him, this being his first serious relationship, and although he won't fully admit it, I think he's nervous to get to know my mom. he must not like someone who's living there, whether it's your mom or someone else.. It's only my mother and I living in our house, and he's only met her once briefly, so I don't think that's the issue. Also, I hate going to my boyfriend's house because I'm rarely comfortable being in other people's homes. So I can understand where he's coming from with that. Maybe you can get the two of them together in a different environment so he can feel more comfortable around her? I just wouldn't recommend lying to your mom and disrespecting her house rules for a guy who can't even call to tell you he's not coming over. True. I'm not going to lie to my mom. I don't know what different environment I could put them in so he can feel more comfortable? He has already told me, without me even suggesting, that he would hate to go to dinner with her, as that would feel super awkward. look at it from his perspective though. do you guys have privacy at his place? if he has roommates, do they mind if you're tehre and leave you be? or does he live by himself? picture yourself having sex in a room with his parents down the hall. would you feel a little awkward? even if you weren't having sex when you stayed at his parents' house, would you still feel weird b/c they may assume you were doing it? ease up on him...for the sake of your relationship. i know it can get annoying always being the one to make an effort to travel even a short distance to spend time together but int he long run it may be better for you to make the effort in this area, especially if he's a good guy all around otherwise. Thanks for the advice. This helped a lot! He lives with one roommate, and we have privacy when we want it, but I feel like we're hardly ever alone there. I'm going to ease up on him, and just continue being the one to make the trip. It is just down the road from me, and he's a pretty good guy in all other areas. I'd just like it if he came over occasionally. He can't hide from my mom forever if he's taking us seriously.
BWLoca Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Is there something that you and your mom do together where he could tag along? Or maybe sometimes if he picks you up when you and your boyfriend go out, he could have a small conversation with her. I would wonder if he was uncomfortable with meeting your mom so soon except that he was the one who brought it up. Also, why would he have to make an effort if you're always at his place?
make me believe Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Well, I completely understand his POV. Since you guys have only been together for three months, he may not be cool with meeting your mom/spending much time with her until you two are more serious. And personally I would NEVER spend the night at a guy's house if he lived with his parents. Talk about awkward!! Especially if the parents don't know about it/approve of it. Who wants to sneak around like a couple of high school kids when his place is empty and waiting?
Author t0ri Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 Fwiw, I would get my own place but I'm about to start a very hectic school program and don't need the added stress of financial issues and finding a new place to live. Plus, I like living with my mom, as I don't want to live by myself or with my friends right now. You guys are right. I couldn't see his point of view at the time, but now I completely understand and feel SO dumb for getting upset about it. I would feel the same way if I were in his shoes. I need to apologize
BWLoca Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Maybe I'm not understanding. Does he go over to your house at all? His reasoning is that he wouldn't be able to spend the night. Is there some reason he has to? He only lives a few minutes away, right?
Author t0ri Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 Maybe I'm not understanding. Does he go over to your house at all? His reasoning is that he wouldn't be able to spend the night. Is there some reason he has to? He only lives a few minutes away, right? No, he doesn't come over to my house at all. He's been inside of it only one time since I've known him. His reasoning is that he wouldn't be able to spend the night, and that he'd feel uncomfortable period - like he couldn't go outside to smoke (I don't know where he got that from), or would feel weird going to get a glass of water. There's not a reason that he has to come over, I just thought it would be nice if every once in awhile, he and I could hang out at my place since I, too, like to enjoy being in my own home, but I'd like for him to join me. It's not like I ask him to often, I only have asked twice since I figured he'd prefer his place. I have an entire downstairs floor to myself, so it's not like my mom would be down there with us, in the way, making him feel awkward. We wouldn't be "hanging out" with her. But like I said previously, he's the one who mentioned he'd like to get to know my mom more and hang out at my place. Then he backtracked? And there's no reason he HAS to spend the night. I guess he just is used to us sleeping together every night, so he said it would be weird for him to come over for awhile and then leave. Then later, he said that would be ok. The whole situation feels awkward now, and I don't even want to have him over at all. And, I haven't heard from him all day, and this discussion went down last night. We briefly made up over text last night, but it's strange to have not heard from him yet today.
BWLoca Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Unless he has some other reason that he's not telling you, I think his excuses sound pretty weak. It's not like you're asking him to be there all day, every day. When did he first meet your mom? Have you heard from him?
Author t0ri Posted February 6, 2010 Author Posted February 6, 2010 Unless he has some other reason that he's not telling you, I think his excuses sound pretty weak. It's not like you're asking him to be there all day, every day. When did he first meet your mom? Have you heard from him? I ended up calling him because I had a hunch his cell phone had been turned off, and it had. He could still receive calls though, so we hung out last night and I apologized for getting upset and not looking at the whole thing from any perspective but my own. He first met my mom... last weekend actually. It wasn't planned. He was dropping me off from a weekend vacation, and she happened to be outside, so they briefly chit chatted. He wasn't excited about meeting her until about a month ago. Then, he started mentioning he'd like to meet her and get to know her. He said he's down to come hang out sometimes, but not to stay the night which is fine with me, so I guess we've resolved this issue. He also said if I had my own place, he'd be there all the time. I think he'll become more comfortable with the idea when he and my mom get to know each other better. Thanks for the advice!
carhill Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 He has already told me, without me even suggesting, that he would hate to go to dinner with her, as that would feel super awkward. He first met my mom... last weekend actually. It wasn't planned. He was dropping me off from a weekend vacation, and she happened to be outside, so they briefly chit chatted. He wasn't excited about meeting her until about a month ago. Then, he started mentioning he'd like to meet her and get to know her. He said he's down to come hang out sometimes, but not to stay the night which is fine with me, so I guess we've resolved this issue. He also said if I had my own place, he'd be there all the time. I think he'll become more comfortable with the idea when he and my mom get to know each other better. OK, I've outlined the important words. Let's see how actions match up. Good luck Personally, if I were dating someone (whom I call girlfriend) for three months and she was reluctant to meet my mom, even though she's just a semi-comatose person laying in a bed who mumbles once in awhile, I'd be reconsidering the person with whom I spend my time. To me, it's about respect. Self-respect
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