seanocasey Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 It has been a three months or so since I started typing my feelings into this site looking for answers. It has been four months since finding out about my wife's affair after 17 years of marriage. I have done everything I can possibly think of to start re-building our marriage over the last four months; MC, Individual Counseling, Minister discussions, you name it. My wife attended all of these and lied her ever-loving butt off the entire time. I have suspected since November that she had entered into another affair. Well guess what? Confirmed the affair by cracking the idiot's email account for the second time. I cracked her account back in September to confirm the first affair. I don't know this woman, who is the mother of my beautiful children. She has strung me along for four months without batting an eye. I am the enabler. No more my friends! Meeting with the attorney tomorrow to create a future for my kids and me!
confused71 Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 I don't know this woman, who is the mother of my beautiful children. She has strung me along for four months without batting an eye. I am the enabler. No more my friends! Meeting with the attorney tomorrow to create a future for my kids and me! Good for you my friend. I know from experience that her lies will never stop now.They dont realise that the damage from the lying can never be fixed. best of luck
floridapad Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Sean I respect you for trying as hard as you did. It's not easy. Time for some Sean time. She ain't worth it..... But you are. Don't forget to keep your self respect, integrity, strength and honor through out this. Don't forget to keep what you have learned (no not bitterness). That's all us men can keep for ourselves. To be honest....That's a Hell of alot. Peace
Author seanocasey Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 Thanks everyone for the support. I battle in my head whether I am giving up to soon. But I don't think her lies will ever stop. I just don't understand how a person I dedicated my entire life to can treat me with so much disrespect, time and time again. It like aliens stole my wife. Has anyone come up with a good plan for maintaining self-respect, composure, and hope through a divorce? Is it possible to have NC, when we have two young children? Thanks Sean
floridapad Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 NC is not possible with kids but a strong LC is. Tell her your done with disrespecting you, the marriage, and the family and there is to be NO more contact in ANY form unless it relates to an emergency regarding the children. You need to have an agreed upon custody sharing arrangement before you can go hard LC. This is essential. There can be no wishy washy arrangements or LC will turn into FC (full contact). It must be structured. Days, times to pick up and drop off etc etc. This is the first thing. Then financial. Just a comment regarding LC/NC. This is not just about you sheltering yourself from her BS, but also about you getting a life. Properly grieving and picking yourself back up to move forward. Grieving is important. Don't be afraid to let it all out to a counselor, friend, pastor or whoever will listen. Grieve the loss of the marriage. This is it. Not easy but it sounds like in your situation there really is nothing else to do. A second affair means she truly is somewhere else in her head. She is not who she used to be. She will regret her decisions one day, but while you are playing doormat for her, she will never respect you. Take that respect back by going LC and don't let her talk you into one more chance or giving you BS hope of a possible reconciliation down the road. Let it go.
Steadfast Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Florida has given you a great guideline to follow Sean. I can't add anything to it, but can assure you the decision you're making is the correct one. Before your wife or anyone else can respect you, respect must be earned. I respect you for realizing how far the situation has gone, and what must be done now. Like many, you came into the 'game' late and had some catching up to do. Sadly, your wife has walked this path for quite some time. In the very near future your actions are going to shake her, and dealing with her reactions will test your confidence. After your schedule for visitation has been set, stick with the LC and resists your wife's attempts of manipulation. At some point, she will become the victim and you'll be portrayed as the one who's 'changing'. Continually remind yourself that her decisions have led to this point and make sure that your motivation is to separate yourself and your children from this unhealthy situation. Life is going to get very tough Sean, and it'll remain that way for a period of time. Ride it out. Know that by rejecting this life and lifestyle you are now moving away from the lies and cheating and thus, mentally and emotionally moving away from her. It is always darkest before the dawn. Be strong, be kind and when in doubt, always do what's best for the children.
You Go Girl Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 grrrrrr. What kind of low does it take a person to do this twice and lie to counselors? Why do they even attend? What is their goal? Must only be one possibility...to have their cake and eat it too. Completely selfish, yet the ironic thing is that they cheat not only the victim out of the truth, but cheat themselves because they waste time not being themselves. Yes you can have very little contact, even with children. I did--all correspondence was done through email. No phone calls. Obviously in an emergency you need her cell phone #. But for me, and possibly for you, no such emergency will ever arise. No knocking at the door. Planned pickups and dropoffs can make this possible. The nicest people become doormats. That's because they are nice enough to let it happen. Move on, keep busy with positive things, stay away from anything depressing like alcohol, stay attentive to your job, kids, etc., and keep your optimism. There are plenty of wonderful fish in the sea that would never do this to you. Later, when you're done with the transition to being single--Study her personality traits that led up to these lies so that you can avoid that type of person in the future. The more you feel you can read personality types--the more confident you will feel to ever trust again one day when you are ready. Of course we can't all see a midlife crisis years in advance. But you can find somebody grounded in reality and honesty one day. I'm just trying to drive home don't become bitter and think all women are lying cheaters--most are honest and loyal.
Author seanocasey Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 Very sound advice shared by all. The hardest part of this whole is experience is that I just don't understand why she did this to me and our family. Why couldn't she just ask for a divorce after the first affair exposure and move on with her life. Why did she have to drag me through it again. I had a great session with my social worker today. He really helped me keep my feet on the ground. I was due to pick up the kids after the session and privately had "cooked up" another attempt to share my magic with her. Can you believe that I still have thoughts of reaching her? Even after I have spoken to a lawyer and have begun the process. My heart continues to lead me where my brain tells me not to go. In the end, I put my magic in my pocket and will share it someday with someone worthy. Painful realization. But the appropriate action given that it would have gone unnoticed and certainly unappreciated. LC is how I must proceed once we have a solid parenting plan in place. I wish I could hit the fast forward button to the Summer 2010.
You Go Girl Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Liars take people for granted. Seems they continue to do so over and over and over and over until...they get a player themselves who hurts them. Once the tables get turned they have a new appreciation for honesty and loyalty. Karma!
tnttim Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Watch her feelings and attitude change when she gets those papers. I bet my left testy that she will beg for you to come back.
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