My EX is having doubts about her new boyfriend

[bluestraps]

My girlfriend and I of 10 years broke up about 5 months ago We are both in our 30's. Just a few days ago she came with her new boyfriend and another friend , who happen to be friends of mine to my house. There has been a strict no contact for all this time.

 

Why did they do this. She has been trying to contact me to get an item of hers for this whole time. So since she has not been able to get a hold of me she decided to come to my house. I was surprised to find her there. Aparently she came over and the lights were on . I guess she tried knocking and ringing the bell. and nothing . I wasnt home . so they waited.

 

I finaly came home and the next phase of our breakup begins. She I belive was worried about me and . I believe She has been curious about me.

 

She wants her stuff back. I say yes i know, I cant find it . We proceed to go into my house. Im very surprised she actualy came in. We talked briefly.

Alot of things were said. I got to the point to ask her how she felt about me. She actualy said shes used to me. Meaning , for 10 years we were togther, we have bonded. And shes missing some of the parts of our relationship.

 

I have been hoping she would be thinking about me , and aparently she has been. It proceded to a few actions on her part. She admited to me that shes not sure what she wants. I told her no mater what hapens there will be a future for both of us. There will be other relationships maybe, She also admited she was afraid of me finding someone else.

 

Now heres what hapens. Im standing against my counter and she huggs me very tight. This lasted about 10-15 seconds . She let me take her hands in mine, I toughed her face and she kissed me . Not just a peck but a passionate kiss. I slightly interupted her and asked , Is this a good bye kiss, and she said I think so .

 

At this point I couldnt believe it. I told her we could work it out. She said that if she did it would crush the new boyfriend. Its apparent that she doesnt have the feelings for the new guy that you would think she would have after 5 months. She stays with him and has been able to see many sides to him .

 

I told her to call me . She called me yesterday two different times for a total of about 4 hours. We talked about many things . The most striking thing is that she is confused about the new boyfriend. She has been comparing us a litle bit. She found it hard around christmass , because we had special times . I was sure to listen well to what she was saying. I think our communication has suffered over the years. And this contributed to our breakup

 

She so much wanted him and now she finds there are some problems, She actualy said he doesnt know anything and is slow and that there is no passion between them. He has been good to her so far she says, but I can tell she is torn . During our phone convo a lot of emotion was floating around. We ended the phone call and now its Wednesday.

 

I dont know what to do . She knows how i feel, And I know how she feels which I felt was important to clarify for the both of us . But I also know that you shouldnt seem desperate or needy. I havent begged at all.

 

What should I do now . If this new relationship is not all she thought it would be Either I could wait for it to end . Or since she is feeling the way she does Maybe I should strike while the iron is hot.

 

If anyone has either advice or just suport. it would be appreciated.

[DustySaltus]

Tough situation buddy. Let me put a few things out there.

 

First off, this isn't a contest. She either wants to be with you or she doesn't. She's "torn" right now which really means that she doesn't know what she wants. Unless you and her are willing to fix the communication that led to the breakup, the same thing will happen again. The first thing she would need to do is break it off with him and make a solid, firm commitment to you to make it work.

 

How long after you broke up did she start going out with this new guy?

 

She could've just sent a friend to pick up her stuff and to have her bf there only adds to the awkwardness. 10 years is a loooonnnng time compared to five months. I would take her "comparing" as a slap in the face. There is NO room for second place when it comes to being in a relationship.

 

If I were you I would fall off the face of the earth. Make sure she has all of her things and cut all contact. If she comes beating down your door and says that she made a huge mistake...........it's a start. Otherwise, it will continue to be a roller coaster of emotions. Time to focus on you.

 

I'm sorry about your situation, best of luck going forwards.

 

DS

[bluestraps]

We have started talking again , I followed no contact all the way , had not talked to her in 5 months. She does feel comfortable with me and thats a good sign in my favor. In case I didnt clarify the guy she's with was a 18 year friend of mine, Im 37. She was unhappy for some time and she cheated on me with him. My ex did not handle this right. Im not going to go into all the details. So right from being with me to being with him. Its complicated. We have all been friends for some time so gradualy she started to have feelings for him. Wasnt uncomfortable at all , we were in my house alone for about 20 minutes . For what he did Im glad she kissed me. But she did tell him later. Im glad he knows, let him know how it feels.Dont even know if I have whats her's, cant find it Im not crying over spilt milk, im licking it up. I just dont want to make the wrong move and push her away. There has been some great advice here on LS with similar situationsComparing is just the natrual process in a breakup, and a new relatonship as in a rebound which is sort of my situation. Couples reunite all the time. I dont mind that she is comparing, i'ts good . In fact she's seing that I have better qualities. So far everything she has told me about her new situation is exactly what I have forseen and I'm glad she has seen it.Just a very tense situation.

[norajane]

Stop talking to her.

 

She needs to decide if she wants her bf or not.

 

If she decides no, then she needs to break up with him. And THEN, you give her a gooooood looooong time on her own, not dating anybody, so she can clear her head before you even think about talking to her.

 

But, she cheated on you with a long-standing friend of yours. If I were you, I wouldn't be speaking to either of them again, nor would I let them into my house!

 

And, you may be thinking it's some kind of payback that she kissed you while her bf was waiting for her in the house, but that's just disgusting behavior. Meaning, your ex is a selfish, self-centered, disgusting person who is perfectly comfortable cheating on a guy when he's in the next room. Not such a great prize even if you do end up taking her back. Because, in her mind, it's all about her and what she wants and she'll walk all over anyone to get what she wants.

 

Has she even apoligized to you for cheating? Has your friend apologized to you for being an ass? Did she apologize for bringing the guy she cheated with to YOUR HOUSE?

 

Stop being a doormat. Stop talking to her. She is toxic and she'll take you down with her if you let her.

[CaliGuy]

IMHO she cheated, she's done. You can never trust her again.

 

People who really love you don't cheat on you.

 

And cheating is the one thing I will not forgive. There is no second chance with cheaters. They are done, over with and old news.

 

You let her back, she'll cheat again. You really want to be her punching bag?

[McGrupp]

ill say b/c you were in a 10 year relationship you have a lot in common a lot of history.

 

that being said, i think you played it kinda bad. let her go her own way. she is loving that you are still pining.

 

okay you were hit off guard with them waiting there. but how could you ever take her back?

 

i have no idea. but i would if i was you FIND ANOTHER WOMAN. she did (ya know what i mean) and rub that **** in her face.

 

when you move on, then she will come running and then you make that decision. but her knowing you still care makes it easier for her to move on, i think.

 

tough man. so tough. and i think you know what you are doing and im sure you feel like **** but she will be back. 18 is a joke and she is just in the infatuation stage. move on with your life. when you have your own house, job etc and he is still delivering pizzas she will role back....

[bluestraps]

No .. Im not 18 and my dumb friend is not 18 we were friends for 18 years. We are the same age, 37

[bluestraps]

IMHO she cheated, she's done. You can never trust her again.

 

People who really love you don't cheat on you.

 

And cheating is the one thing I will not forgive. There is no second chance with cheaters. They are done, over with and old news.

 

You let her back, she'll cheat again. You really want to be her punching bag?

 

 

You are right its not the first time she cheated on me. She and I have had a rough time We have been through this before. I guess we keep geting back togther because I think we are meant to be together. But I havent done everything right . Its like every daytime drama thats ever been.

[bluestraps]

Actualy, norrajane. My friend and I have spoken briefly a few times and he wanted to know if I forgave him. Ive kept it quiet My Ex told him we were broke up already which wasnt true, he didnt know . But what else was he gonna do refuse a beautifull woman .

 

Maybe hard for me to look at it this way , but I gotta face the truth.

[DustySaltus]

Wow, she cheated on you with your best friend. This changes a lot.

 

I agree with Cali, there's NO second chance when it comes to cheaters in my book.

 

Disappear, you don't deserve this. And if it's revenge you're thinking about at this point, the best revenge you can give them is dropping both of them from your lives. I mean this is just ridiculous...10 years, c'mon man.

[sunrae]

I can understand forgiving someone the first time they cheated (I know friends who have and it's worked out for them, me I'm not that forgiving)

BUT a Second time cheater... Sorry. Youre DONE in my book...

I understand 10 years is hard to put it behind you, but you can. You deserve better..

[norajane]

You are right its not the first time she cheated on me. She and I have had a rough time We have been through this before. I guess we keep geting back togther because I think we are meant to be together. But I havent done everything right . Its like every daytime drama thats ever been.

 

It's not about you doing everything right. A relationship can't work unless both people are committed to making it work. And being committed means working out problems instead of cheating and running off to another man.

 

So you being a doormat isn't going to make this relationship work.

 

You're 37. How much more of your life do you want to spend forgiving her for cheating and having her cheat again and again?

 

There are other women out there, and the sooner you let go of this one, the sooner you will find one who adores you.

[bluestraps]

Im nobody's doormat, If you knew me it would be plain to see. In fact thats one of the problems she says Im too quick to get angry at people.

 

Ive gotten angry at her. And shes been scared of me.

 

Its also hard to figure out. She says she doesnt like to hurt anyone. I know some of the stories where shes been hurt. In fact she still brought up something that happened like 8 years ago, where we were out somewhere and I had a few drinks and wasnt thinking straight and I got angry over something. Like they say a woman never forgets.

 

So there may be little excuse for her behavior, but after 10 years I guess thats what happens.

[bluestraps]

No I think its over at least for now What happend as outlined in this posting will make it clear.

 

Ok heres where we are. She is with the new boyfriend , my ex friend At his apartment, for most of the time. For once every two weeks she goes home to do laundry and what ever else. This week she was home longer , Tuesday until today Friday evening. On Monday she came to my house as explained in the original post.

 

Now we have been talking on the phone for the two of the four days shes been home . It was very friendly and easy going for the most part....

 

......At first.

 

So far it seems like she is not sure about the new relationship. But now she is explaining better what the situation is. It turns out that the my ex friend is worried that he will lose her.

 

This is because we are talking on the phone and because he knows now that she kissed me in my house He was crying on the phone to her about this . I mean he is really worried. This actualy is suposed to work in my favor. Im supposed to be the strong one showing I can go without her . and hes the one all worried and crying.

 

She called me at 1:04 Friday morning and talked for an hour. We were talking fine but then she told me my ex friend didn't think that her and I should be friends. Or talk . My ex friend told her he has never cried over any woman before, even his ex wife. I really dont know what we are, But I have a feeling that she just did want to keep our communication open.

 

I also think she is really out for herself She wants to keep me on a string , Because she sees the new guy is a loser. And it just will take time because she only feels bad for him.

 

This feeling of his could be made to show his jealous side. Which would also be good for me. He already told her he's jealous. Which Im not at all. But now Im gonna be more carefull to protect what I have

 

She was uncertain before about what she wanted but now since he cryied about it to her she says she now is sure. I dont know what she realy feels about him but its starting to get to her I think I felt this was not good for me.

 

Since 8 o clock thursday i was wondering if she would call me. She finaly did you see this is what I wanted to happen and now I screwed it up .

 

The reason is, that since she is going back to his apartment it was the last time I could talk to her at least i thought . I guess I was hoping to get her to change her mind before she went back . Kind of a stupid move.

 

But then it hapened she felt it was time to let me go. I said ok.

Now i did something really stupid because I started feeling that If I didnt get our relationship back on track now I would not have a chance again.

 

Not a good idea.

 

So what do, I called her back. And asked her the question i've wanted an awnser to for quite awhile. I asked if he told her that he had feelings for her before they cheated on me . She says no, it was all her telling him about her feelings. But she asked him if he still wanted to be friends with me and of course, because he is really a user who will only get what he can take from you, he says no .

 

Now this is where it really getts bad . I start telling her what he originaly said to me when I confronted him at his apartment the day after she cheated with him behind my back.

 

He told me He just was girl crazy.....

 

.....Translation.. I want sex ..

 

Of course it was her idea. But see I thought he saw her as like a little sister. Another big load of crap, I should have been a little smarter

 

So he chose her over me . I dont like being treated this way

 

So yea she is really something. She cant see really what is going on here. So we start shouting at each other over the phone. She hangs up on me tells me its over....Yea its been over for 4 months. So I call her back , Shes talking to her new idiot. I wanted to let him know a thing or two.

 

Aparently he has her cell phone and his own phone and wont awnser. when I call either number. He is a coward. I told her that hes a coward he cant even be man enough to speak to me because he knows he's a user and a liar. Then her mom gets on the phone See she understands my side, her daughter is a grade A all american slut.

 

Her Mom and I talked for about another hour. About my ex, me ,the new boyfriend. She knows how her daughter can get out of hand and do all the wrong things. She told me to give it some time. I already have , about 5 months.

 

I really have come far with her, from our relationship ending to her and him being together and now for us to talk again and actualy be somewhat like we used to be at least the talking part. Then I think she might be having second thoughts and missing me. But really its a lesson to all that former lovers cannot be friends afterwards always.

 

I guess I cant handle it It may be too soon. But her coming to my house and puting both of us in this position was really a big problem . Im going to have to be the one with more inteligence and comon sence .

 

But I know its not the end with her and It never is. Not an exageration believe me she always puts her foot in it and comes crawling back.,

 

So the only question is, to awnser is have I learned my lesson yet.

 

N.

[bluestraps]

I spent a total of 5 hours on the phone with my ex and her Mom its actually a lot worse than I described . But Please find it ammusing if nothing else.

[whichwayisup]

IT IS THE END if you want it to be. She cheated on you throughout your relationship and you want her back? Because you love her and she's familar to you? And you to her?

 

WTF..

 

Obviously you haven't learned your lesson, haven't had enough pain and heartache.

 

You will always love her, but it doesn't mean you two have to be together. You two have had an unhealthy relationship, trust issues and betrayal. Lies, cheating etc..

 

Go back into NC mode with her, let yourself really grieve and let go, so you can heal, move on and find a woman who won't cheat on you, and will treat you much better!

[CaliGuy]

You are right its not the first time she cheated on me. She and I have had a rough time We have been through this before. I guess we keep geting back togther because I think we are meant to be together. But I havent done everything right . Its like every daytime drama thats ever been.

 

You know that when someone cheats on you they are saying "I don't really LOVE or RESPECT you..." And as you have found out, once a cheater/always a cheater.

 

I don't think you're meant to be together at all, to be honest. I think the problem is you don't love and respect yourself enough to walk away from her for good. I think you don't think you will find someone better so you resign yourself to trying to stay with a cheater.

 

When you learn to love and respect yourself, you'll walk away from her for good.

[bluestraps]

All valid points. Heres another take on this . As her and I have been talking I kind of see her side a little better now. I cant go through all the things that happend between us ,It would take a huge post . I mean most women are not cheaters. I do realize that a self respecting person will not take this .

 

I have a share in what she has done. Ive had a temper which I wont deny especialy the last few years. Ive taken my parents side over her. Ive left her alone at times when I could have been with her. Ive been insensitive when shes had problems and havent been suportive always. I also have a problem with being late . Ive made her wait. I know her and what she needs and likes and I guess I just always seem to mess up.

 

I could agree and say shes a slut or whatever else but shes really not like that. The cheating comes from somewhere and I think she needs counciling . And The only thing I can say is that now shes effected me and my sanity.

 

And from the earlier post, We were fighting again. Which leads to another problem I started.

[norajane]

I have a share in what she has done. Ive had a temper which I wont deny especialy the last few years. Ive taken my parents side over her. Ive left her alone at times when I could have been with her. Ive been insensitive when shes had problems and havent been suportive always. I also have a problem with being late . Ive made her wait. I know her and what she needs and likes and I guess I just always seem to mess up.

 

Nope - you are not responsible for her cheating. All those things you cited are certainly things that could cause problems between you, and you are responsible for your behavior. And all those things could lead to a break up.

 

But they are not excuses to cheat. YOU didn't cause her to cheat; SHE chose to cheat instead of just breaking up with you.

[dreamingoftigers]

Good luck learning that lesson, it hurts more every time they cheat.

[bluestraps]

Good luck learning that lesson, it hurts more every time they cheat.

 

 

Not so much for me. Its the offical 3rd time she has done this. The difference is the missing her part. each time I was able to keep us together. And basicaly she put herself in situations where she thought it would be a way out of our relationship.

 

Except now it seems she loves him. So I think its really over .

 

I care as far as I dont want to get any diseases. but I dont care about the physical so much. Its easier to just forgive . And I have thrown it in her face at times

 

But this whole thing has given me much insite to this type of situation.

[name witheld]

You mean there has been unofficial times too?

This is gonna sound harsh but how bad does it have to be before you will see it? She has been walking all over you and you make excuses for her.

 

Its really simple, if she loved you she would not do that. The longer you hang on the worse it gets.

You need to stop this right now and get away from her and him.

 

There is no need to talk to her parents, she has removed herself from your life. You have to see what she has done. There is no future with her.

[name witheld]

And also, you said that you kept it together. What did she do?

Thats too one sided, you both have to want it for it too work.

 

If it was me, the guy would have a black eye and she would be told to f**k off. Why you are not pissed at either of them is beyond me.

 

I hope you start healing soon.

[bluestraps]

Why am i still hanging on, because I know she did this because she was lonley and I know my ex friend is the wrong guy for her Shes already seing it . For proof go back and read the original post. I have been employing a strategy to try and get her back ., Out of this mistake shes making .

 

 

As far as other cheating, no not unoffical times, I just wonder what else she may have done ,But I know Everyting because she doesnt lie . some people would do it and never get caught. Realy sick, isnt it. She keeps doing it.

 

I was more than pissed for about three months ,.I was ready to take care of him , because like I said the guy was my friend. I was in a rage . If I did that it would show that I have a temper . My plan was to leave them alone for as long as possible. Let the bad feelings subside.

 

And it worked except now our last convo ended badly.

 

Actualy Im healling O.k. I actualy feel better since she came to my house. Like I said in the original post she revealed shes not sure what she wants, shes used to me , said things arent the same witout me, feels that I haunt her ( thoughts about me), afraid I'll meet someone else. And the way she grabbed and hugged me pretty tightly ,and the open mouth kiss,.

 

 

It like Ok she cheats on me , leaves me. We see eachother after 5 months all this happens, and its like she cheats on the new guy because she kisses me. So I feel i got the last laugh . because now he knows she did it. So Yes I feel better.

[bluestraps]

Heres break down on cheat sheet. Met in mid 1999, cheated in late 2000, broke up once in 2002, back togther in two months. Cheated in 2004 after I told her I wasnt shure about us, 2007 no sex just fooling around, and now in oct 2009 cheating, breakup .