skydiveaddict Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Hi, . How do you think I should approach them? And anything else to do with that regards and asking them out, etc. So, any advice would be welcomed! Thanks! Find a girl you like, walk up to her and ask to go get a coffee with you.
Author counterman Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 For me, different types of date locations are associated with different degrees of familiarity and comfort. In addition, I prefer to start more casual, open-ended dates, and gradually progress to more serious/formal, time-committed dates. I also prefer to take myself to the place of the date until I get to know the person, if only for safety reasons (I'm a single female who lives alone with few neighbors). Offering Transportation You can always offer to give the girl a ride, but remember that whenever you offer to pick a girl up at her home, you are basically asking her where she lives. Don't push the issue if she says that she would prefer to meet you there. Personally, I'm not comfortable with a stranger, even one I may be interested in, knowing where I live or being my sole source of transportation. Once a woman gets in a man's car, she is trusting him with her safety and her life, as that guy could drive her anywhere (to dinner or elsewhere) and may or may not be a responsible driver (car accidents, etc). Until I know someone and at least start to trust them, I ALWAYS prefer to meet at the predetermined location. First Dates - Coffee Shop/ Informal Personally, I prefer a first date with someone I just met or otherwise don't know all that well to be at a coffee shop or similar public location. Going for coffee puts you in a casual atmosphere where talking is encouraged, and allows you an open-ended amount of time to spend with the person. If you decide you really don't like them or are uncomfortable, than you're not committed to sticking around until your food comes or you both finish eating. In addition, you can avoid the awkward silences that sometimes come associated with eating during first-time meetings. At a coffee shop, if things aren't going well, you can end it at any time, with any of a variety of excuses. By the same token, if you hit it off really well, then there won't be a waitress hovering over you and pushing you to end your conversation because they need the table. You can sit and talk for hours and no one will care because you've already purchased your coffee. From the college student perspective, a coffee shop is also a cheep date; coffee costs a lot less than lunch or dinner. Second Dates - Lunch For a second date, I like to do lunch dates. Slightly less casual than the coffee shop atmosphere, but also less formal than the dinner environment. You also know going into the date that at the end of lunch you will both be going your separate ways. You haven't got to wonder who will go home with who, or if there will be a parting kiss, removing some of the potentially awkward romantic pressure that can come with these things. If you again get along well at lunch, than the pre-determined ending time of a lunch date gives you an excuse to set up another date so that you can 'continue your conversation'. Whether the next date could be lunch or dinner should be determined by discussion before the end of the second date, and a tentative time and place may even be decided upon. If you're not sure which would be best, than just ask the girl which she would prefer: "So, do you want to do lunch or dinner next time?" If you just ask it like this, you are assuming that she will want to do one or the other, and that there will be a next time, and you're not directly giving her a chance to say no, thereby improving your chances of getting a third date. Third Date - Lunch/ Dinner Dinner, in my mind, would be the next step up for relationship dating. By the time I agree to a dinner date, I've spent enough time talking with the person that I feel comfortable spending more time with them in a more romantic and personal setting. I also am willing to spend more money to spend quality time with them (cost of dinner). I may even be comfortable cooking them dinner at my home or going to there place to have them make me dinner. Having a dinner date with someone also puts you in the window of time appropriate for possibly 'spending the night together', or at least kissing before you part ways. Unless things are just going exceptionally well, I usually prefer at least one or two dinner dates before I'm comfortable with the idea of ending up at the guys apartment (if its even an option). Who Pays As a woman, I know that lots of guys think they're supposed to pay, but until I know I'll be seeing the guy on a regular basis, I ALWAYS prefer to split the check and pay for what I ordered. The times I'm ok with the man paying are when I know he'll let me pick up the bill the next time we eat out. I therefore won't let my date pay for my meal until I'm sure that there will be at least several next times. A tip for guys: when the woman wants to split the check, don't argue with her or insist on paying. Also, if she doesn't bring it up first, establish how you're going to pay for a meal BEFORE you order. If you want to pay for dinner but aren't sure what she wants to do, try asking the following: "Would you be ok with me buying you lunch/dinner, or did you want to split the check?" Even if she does want to split the bill, she will most likely appreciate your offer. DONT ASSUME she'll want the same thing you do, and DON'T try and trick or coerce her into letting you buy her lunch. If you do so, she may think that you are trying to make her feel obligated to you. This is a form of manipulation and rarely has a good outcome for the long term. Plan for the Next Date before the one you are on ends Whenever possible, I would suggest trying to make plans in person for the next meeting time and place. You can always call the person to let them know if the plan needs to change, to make additional plans, or to cancel and reschedule. If the person you are interested in isn't at least willing to put something tentative down for next time, and goes for the "I'll call you" line without committing to anything, then they probably aren't all that interested in seeing you again and don't have the guts to tell you directly. Plans can always be changed, so I've never considered "I'm not really sure when my schedule will be open next, so why don't I call you when I know" to be an acceptable excuse for not even trying to plan something. In my book, that kind of line really means: "I'm not all that interested in making time for you so you probably won't be seeing me again." TALK There are all sorts of variants to the sequence described above (Coffee shop - Lunch - Dinner), and all sorts of ways that two people can end up together in the same place at a time appropriate for intimate things to happen (making out or beyond). I've found that the key to keeping it going in a healthy direction is to make sure you ask questions to get your date's opinion about what they want to do, and not to assume certain outcomes. Everyone is different and you just have to play the scene as it comes. Above all, make sure that you openly TALK about things. My general rule for lots of things having to do with relationships is that if you can't talk about it, than it either IS or WILL BECOME a problem. While there are certain things to be said for spontaneity, personally I feel that if I can't talk about, for example, making out with someone or possibly even having sex with them (and all the potential issues that go along with these things), then I'm probably not ready to and might regret my actions after the fact. In most cases when dating someone new, the best thing to do is just be yourself and talk about anything you are unsure of with the other person. Dating is a time when you're getting to know each other, and when and how you do this is as individual as you are. There is therefore NEVER a right or wrong way to do something, and what works for one person or couple, won't always work for another. Whenever you're unsure about something, the best thing to do is simply ask the person you're with. As long as you do your best to be considerate of your date's feelings and opinions, any date should go fine, regardless of whether there is a romantic or long term outcome. Oh my God! This is such a wonderful post! Thank you so much, Calendula! You have really provided an awesome perspective with terrific detail, which I will no doubt read over. Once again you have outdone yourself! I was just going to ask about paying as well! I thought that I would always pay and if she suggests to split it, then I would insists on paying but if she insists on it, then I will let her. But, being considerate and asking her if it would be okay if I paid? I never thought of that! It is so simple and shows that I care about her opinion. I am completely on par with the decision to have a more casual meeting first up. I don't really feel comfortable with the dinner first. As for the coffee, I was wondering whether it will be okay to grab a coffee to go and head to a place where we can sit and talk? Or should I stick with a coffee place? I am thinking there are a few coffee places I know around that also offer bites and possibly gloria jeans as well. I think it is okay to grab something for to eat but, as you said, there might be some of that embarrassment factor when it comes to eating in front of someone new. I was wondering whether the time of the date is important. Say, morning or afternoon? I think afternoon is the way to go. As for offering the lift, you are right. I would imagine some girls would feel the way you do when it comes to taking a lift from an almost stranger and I would not be too keen on pressing the issue. Plus, I am pretty sure most girls are living with their parents. If they are, then I don't think they will be okay with the lift anyways. I was also wondering whether you could clarify the paragraph about openly talking, more specifically the example you provided. I am a bit confused by what you mean about it. I would usually be open and quite chatty and relaxed, and probably tell a few stories, though I would want her to reciprocate and share just as much, if not more. I don't want to get caught up talking about me, me, me. I am pretty comfortable talking about most things too. In a relationship, I would definitely talk about any issues that I see and I will always communicate with my partner. But, yes, are you saying that I should be able to talk to her about making out and whatnot? Thanks again! This is much appreciated! Find a girl you like, walk up to her and ask to go get a coffee with you. Quite simple put!
Calendula Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I was just going to ask about paying as well! I thought that I would always pay and if she suggests to split it, then I would insists on paying but if she insists on it, then I will let her. But, being considerate and asking her if it would be okay if I paid? I never thought of that! It is so simple and shows that I care about her opinion. I am completely on par with the decision to have a more casual meeting first up. I don't really feel comfortable with the dinner first. As for the coffee, I was wondering whether it will be okay to grab a coffee to go and head to a place where we can sit and talk? Or should I stick with a coffee place? I am thinking there are a few coffee places I know around that also offer bites and possibly gloria jeans as well. I think it is okay to grab something for to eat but, as you said, there might be some of that embarrassment factor when it comes to eating in front of someone new. I was wondering whether the time of the date is important. Say, morning or afternoon? I think afternoon is the way to go. The points I've highlighted from your post relate to your questions and the section of my previous post below: TALK There are all sorts of variants to the sequence described above (Coffee shop - Lunch - Dinner), and all sorts of ways that two people can end up together in the same place at a time appropriate for intimate things to happen (making out or beyond). I've found that the key to keeping it going in a healthy direction is to make sure you ask questions to get your date's opinion about what they want to do, and not to assume certain outcomes. Everyone is different and you just have to play the scene as it comes. In most cases when dating someone new, the best thing to do is just be yourself and talk about anything you are unsure of with the other person. Dating is a time when you're getting to know each other, and when and how you do this is as individual as you are. There is therefore NEVER a right or wrong way to do something, and what works for one person or couple, won't always work for another. Whenever you're unsure about something, the best thing to do is simply ask the person you're with. As long as you do your best to be considerate of your date's feelings and opinions, any date should go fine, regardless of whether there is a romantic or long term outcome. The important thing to take away from this part is that ultimately it is your date's opinion that matters, and when you aren't sure about something, you should ask the person you are spending time with. Really, the only thing I and others on this forum can give you is advice on a way to start, ideas and suggestions based on our experiences, but we won't know what is going through your date's head any better than you will. The best way to find out what she thinks is therefore to simply ask her. A possible scenario: You're not sure whether a coffee date in the morning or afternoon would be best, but your schedule is open for either. You could start by asking her, "So, how about we get coffee some time, perhaps Tuesday?" and she say's "Sure, Tuesday sounds fine with me." Then you can ask "Which is better for you, morning or afternoon, because I'm free for either?" If she says "I don't really have a preference as my schedule is relatively open on Tuesdays," then you can take the initiative to suggest a time that you would prefer and see if it works for her too: "How about we meet up at 3:30 at __ coffee shop, and we can figure out where to go from there." If the coffee shop is busy, and you can't find a good place to sit, then you could suggest walking around or going somewhere else to enjoy your coffee. Give yourself contingency plans and alternatives, and if you have a place in mind you can suggest it, but let it be a joint decision as to what you do with her. Come PREPARED with ideas on what you would like to do with the date, but also be FLEXIBLE, and be willing to follow her suggestions even if it wasn't exactly what you were planning (this is especially the case for more casual dates where plans haven't been agreed upon before-hand). Even if she is just along for the ride and is fine with whatever you've planned out in your head, consulting her about the major steps along the way will make her feel like you value her opinion and aren't likely to try and force a point that she might not agree with. Sure, you're just talking about where to go to drink your coffee, but the exchange of ideas and the process of jointly coming to a decision is an exercise that can help you figure out how well you would be able to work through more serious decisions with this person in the future. Effective communication is a process of give and take, with as much listening as talking, and it is ultimately dependent upon compromise. I was also wondering whether you could clarify the paragraph about openly talking, more specifically the example you provided. I am a bit confused by what you mean about it. I would usually be open and quite chatty and relaxed, and probably tell a few stories, though I would want her to reciprocate and share just as much, if not more. I don't want to get caught up talking about me, me, me. I am pretty comfortable talking about most things too. In a relationship, I would definitely talk about any issues that I see and I will always communicate with my partner. But, yes, are you saying that I should be able to talk to her about making out and whatnot? Above all, make sure that you openly TALK about things. My general rule for lots of things having to do with relationships is that if you can't talk about it, than it either IS or WILL BECOME a problem. While there are certain things to be said for spontaneity, personally I feel that if I can't talk about, for example, making out with someone or possibly even having sex with them (and all the potential issues that go along with these things), then I'm probably not ready to and might regret my actions after the fact. What I was discussing here was a more serious type of talking with someone, beyond the usual 'getting-to-know-you' chat type of thing. There are many different kinds of conversations you can have with another person, with differing degrees of intimacy and personal involvement. On a day-to-day basis most conversations tend to be somewhat superficial or more functional, rather than personal or philosophical. With someone you're dating, however, the type of conversations you have with that person should (hopefully) change and progress over time to reveal more about your innermost thoughts and feelings. Such a progression of conversation topics both requires and is dependent upon building trust over time. For example, you may start out with the general stuff (where did you grow up, travel history, what your parents do, what your interests are, etc), and quickly progress to more philosophical stuff (religious beliefs, personal life philosophy, etc.), but it may take a bit longer to feel comfortable discussing more personal things (making out, positive and negative past relationship experiences, feelings for each other, perspectives on cheating and monogamy) or typically controversial issues (sex, abortion, feelings on homosexuality or racial issues, etc). Eventually all of these issues and more will have to be discussed on some level with someone you want to build a long term relationship with, of only to determine whether or not you agree and if it matters to you. If you don't feel comfortable discussing all of these different things with someone, then this increases the chances that the subject (whatever it is) will become a problem at a later date, of only because an open line of communication doesn't exist. With my quoted paragraphs from my last post, I'm not necessarily saying, however, that you have to verbally ask if you can make out with someone before kissing them. If you've reached a certain comfort level with someone (usually achieved through talking and spending time together, thereby building trust), a woman's body language and physical responses to your tentative advances can go a long way towards communicating desire and permission. Being aware and attentive can get you a lot of answers, but if you're ever unsure about something, or think you might not be reading her signals correctly, the safe course is to verbally ask before taking actions that can't be undone or which you think you might regret. A lot of the above stuff (discussions about more serious issues) is the kind of thing that comes into play well after the first date, but which builds upon the framework of communication you start to create with that person during an initial meeting. I personally prefer to try and begin relationships in the manner I wish for them to continue (open communication, honesty, trust, etc), and I have found that if I have trouble planning a date with someone or working with them to figure out what we want to do for an evening (compromising), then such communication issues don't usually vanish with time and familiarity. People are who they are, and it is irrational and unrealistic to start a relationship with someone expecting them to change anything about themselves because of you, including their style of communication. While it may take you a couple of dates (anywhere from 1 week to three months) to really get to know someone and figure out how well you work with them, part of my point is that throughout all of this time you will have to be able to TALK with them (effective communication), so you might as well start in the manner you want to continue.
Author counterman Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 Wow Calendula... You have really opened something that I had not thought about for a while. It does bring back a bit of hurt. I think I had communication issues from my past relationship. My ex-girlfriend and I sometimes had trouble deciding what to do, say, during an evening together. Sometimes, I would say that I am up for anything you are up to. She would argue that she wanted to know what I wanted and just didn't want to do what she wanted all the time. We started off really well with compromising and, with everything I did, I would ask how she feels about it and I would ask for her opinion and want she wanted. However, whenever we did have arguments I was always blamed. There was no compromise in that. She never accepted any responsibility for the issues we had. She was never 100% with me from the start; that is, she was not completely into me and I always felt second best. I just wanted her to be happy, but I was suffering. I was so afraid of telling her what I wanted because I was rejected so many times by her. I was never her first priority and during the times when she did spend time with me, it was because it was more obligation. I always told her how I felt. I think it was too much for her. She yelled at me a lot and got angry quite a bit but she had always said she loved me. But, she never told me how she really felt, that she just didn't feel the same about me. She gave up on me when things got tough. I know we can talk this through, right? Wrong. She wanted nothing to do with it. Sorry if I got sidetracked, but it just skipped my mind completely. My mind was so focused on a date-time-place that I forgot that my date's opinion is very important in this and I value it.I am going to ask my date if I am not sure about something and I am going to ask for her opinion. That is the sort of relationship I want. I want an open, honest and valued relationship. I want to know what she thinks of things. I want to compromise on things we want to do. I want to talk to her effectively. This is how I want my relationships to be and to continue to be. That answers a lot of questions I actually have. So, thanks for opening my eyes to that. As for more personal information, such as about past relationships or other deeper information, I find that when I get to know someone more, they start to feel more comfortable and start to talk to me about more private and personal matters, which shows that she trusts me more. I would definitely share over time once we know each other more and we feel more comfortable with each other. I would say that I am not the best at picking up cues from girls, especially if they are very vague but I am learning. If I have any doubts whatsoever, I will ask her before I attempt anything. You are right. I will be asking her if I am unsure about anything because i want to be able to ask for her opinion on matters, even if I initiated by asking her out on a date. Thank you once again, Calendula! You have lead me to realise a lot about dating and the extreme importance of effective communication. I think I am pretty comfortable with the idea but I just have to put it into practice. I will definitely keep you posted on that. A few things I would also like to ask is about the longevity of the first date. If it is going well and I do want to talk to her for a bit longer, I will ask "am I keeping you from anywhere at the moment?" or something along those lines. However, I have read that first dates should not go on for too long. I think once we have finished our coffees, I should end it there and just go our separate ways. Also, in going your separate ways, when the date ends, should I walk her, say, to the train station or class? Maybe I could ask, however she might feel obliged to let me. I think once the date has ended, maybe I should go my separate way, with the exception, I think, if we are heading the same way.
Author counterman Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 Oh, and another thing I was wondering about is calling between dates. I would call to set up dates but, as for calling between dates, I wouldn't. I would rather talk in person. As mentioned in another thread, most say that you should only call between dates to set up or confirm dates, and never to talk. Also, conversations can only be 10 minutes max. I think once we're exclusive and she brings that up, it is okay to call her just to talk. What is your opinion?
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