xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Hi everyone, would love to hear from people in similar situations and who understand what I'm going through. I met my guy online in Aug '09 (Im from the UK and hes from USA) we hit it off really well and he decided to visit me pretty much a month after we started talking, he came here for 1 week in Dec '09 and we also hit it off extremely well in real life. He told me he loved me, wants to get very serious, marry me, and have 3 or 4 kids with me, that Im everything he ever hoped for and more. Just a wonderful man, am thrilled to have met him. However to complicate things he is being deployed in Iraq until March '11 very soon after I visit him in the States this coming April, and it works out that there will be an 11 month gap of not seeing him. Therefore the marriage etc will have to wait until he is back. I just feel really insecure that potentially I could put my life on hold all that time and it might not even happen, just really scared he will change his mind about me or something. I have had an extremely bad past with men and my family which is making me insecure with my new man even though I know deep down theres no reason for me to be - it's just an irrational fear. But I still have terrible worries about my lovely man telling me lies as all my previous partners constantly lied to me, gave me false hope about things, denied me sex, and were just generally abusive. Just been even harder recently as hes been away at army school and been so busy with it that we have hardly spoken online, also have had very negative and patronising advice from one or two of my friends/family which is making my insecurity 100x worse. Read some articles online about LDR and I was relieved to find that a bit of insecurity in LDRs is quite normal. Feeling so lonely though and really miss him emotionally and physically right now - roll on our long weekend in London in just over 2 weeks!
nrmommie Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 oh, boy, i am right there with you! mine is pretty new. he deploys to iraq next year, starts training in october. the insecurity is killing me, especially today, even though i see him every weekend. it's good to know it is normal. but the deployment and the fact that he still will have 2 years in the military just seems to make everything more intense and complicated. i hope we can both find some answeres here. i am so worried i am going to kill this relationship from fear and insecurities.
TMichaels Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 (edited) I met my guy online in Aug '09... he came here for 1 week in Dec '09... He told me he loved me, wants to get very serious, marry me, and have 3 or 4 kids with me, that Im everything he ever hoped for and more. However to complicate things he is being deployed in Iraq until March '11 very soon after I visit him in the States this coming April, and it works out that there will be an 11 month gap of not seeing him. Therefore the marriage etc will have to wait until he is back. I have had an extremely bad past with men and my family which is making me insecure with my new man even though I know deep down theres no reason for me to be - it's just an irrational fear. But I still have terrible worries about my lovely man telling me lies as all my previous partners constantly lied to me, gave me false hope about things, denied me sex, and were just generally abusive. Whoa, girlfriend! I know you're in the heady throes of new love and all that, but for heaven sakes, take a deep breath and SLOOOOOOOWWWW DOWWWWWNNNN!!! I'm not doubting whether there's a spark between you two, at least for the moment anyway, but why in heck, especially with your less-than-stellar track record when it comes "picking men" would you want to jump head-long into marriage with someone you've "known" for five whole months and only have spent ONE WEEK with in his company? NEWS BULLETIN: Marriage, like life, is not a sprint, it's a marathon. I get the feeling that you're in such a rush because you're afraid that if you don't "seal the deal right away" while things are going well, this guy's feelings toward you might change and you'll "lose out." If you want to get rid of your insecurities (which are not irrational, BTW, but the result of experience), then you need to give the relationship and him TIME to prove "themselves" BEFORE you even think of exchanging any wedding vows. If you don't, no piece of paper is ever going to give you the peace of mind you seek nor the experience you both need to "go the distance." Best, TMichaels Edited February 4, 2010 by TMichaels
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 oh, boy, i am right there with you! mine is pretty new. he deploys to iraq next year, starts training in october. the insecurity is killing me, especially today, even though i see him every weekend. it's good to know it is normal. but the deployment and the fact that he still will have 2 years in the military just seems to make everything more intense and complicated. i hope we can both find some answeres here. i am so worried i am going to kill this relationship from fear and insecurities. Sorry you are feeling low about the prospect of your guy going to Iraq. I though it would be bad enough not seeing your significant other for 11 months like my situation will be - but 2 years??? That would be extremely painful especially in the early stages of a relationship. How long have you two been together? Have either of you talked about the future at all? Can you see yourself with him long term?
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 Whoa, girlfriend! I know you're in the heady throes of new love and all that, but for heaven sakes, take a deep breath and SLOOOOOOOWWWW DOWWWWWNNNN!!! I'm not doubting whether there's a spark between you two, at least for the moment anyway, but why in heck, especially with your less-than-stellar track record when it comes "picking men" would you want to jump head-long into marriage with someone you've "known" for five whole months and only have spent ONE WEEK with in his company? NEWS BULLETIN: Marriage, like life, is not a sprint, it's a marathon. I get the feeling that you're in such a rush because you're afraid that if you don't "seal the deal right away" while things are going well, this guy's feelings toward you might change and you'll "lose out." If you want to get rid of your insecurities (which are not irrational, BTW, but the result of experience), then you need to give the relationship and him TIME to prove "themselves" BEFORE you even think of exchanging any wedding vows. If you don't, no piece of paper is ever going to give you the peace of mind you seek nor the experience you both need to "go the distance." Best, TMichaels Hi there I know you are thinking this is all a little rushed, I must stress though that it was him who brought up the subject of marriage/children and the future - it just so happens we share the same goal so I was delighted to find out we wanted the same things. He didnt just talk about it generically either - definitely about the two of us in particular. With our situation being long distance/him going to Iraq for 11 months etc I think its actually good that we had this talk so early on, after all whats the point in having a long distance relationship if you dont know where you stand? Totally futile. Also for us to be together permanantly we will have to marry anyway for me to be able to get a visa and live with him in USA. Anyway he hasnt officially proposed yet and I dont expect there will be a wedding until he gets back from Iraq by that time we will have had a relationship for almost 2 years so if you look at it that way its not really rushed at all. Some people decide to marry after knowing each other for much less time than we have, its not that unusual - if something feels right then follow your heart thats what I say. I know by giving up everything in the UK for a new life in the States is a big risk to take as it may not work out in the long run but doesnt everyone take this chance when they marry someone/move in with someone? Its one of those things where you dont know if it will work till you do it! I dont worry about making the wrong choice, he is a wonderful man and I dont see this changing - my insecurites may become a problem however. I need to get over them so I dont annoy him with it. I guess everyone has some emotional baggage that they bring into current relationships. Sorry just making excuses to make myself feel better and like Im not the only one. It really does get me down and Im just trying to defend my situation a bit. He has also been very hurt by past partners so he understands what I went through even though I only told him briefly about it. Its actually my bad past experiences that make me realise this one is totally genuine - I feel such warmth from him and hes unlike any of the guys who broke my heart in the past, hes totally different. In fact it actually felt a little uncomfortable at first with my lovely man as Im so used to being treated like s*** that it felt odd to be loved unconditionally and treated so well. But like I said before, its the not being with him right now allowing my mind to overthink as I dont have him here to reassure me every day that he still wants me in the future. It feels a bit weird too - talking about these emotional things online to him, its the sort of thing that needs to be discussed in real life so I guess I have to wait till our London trip for my reassurance. I really wish I didnt have all these issues with myself, then I would believe him first time with what he has said he wants with me, hes such a great guy and doesnt deserve the Spanish inquisition. My negative and abusive family, then bad choice of past partners has caused me such emotional damage. I actually started a thread on here a few weeks back asking if one day I should tell my man everything Ive been through.
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