Happydays04 Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Hi, I’ll give a bit of background before I get into my problem. I’ve been with a guy for just over a year now. I’m 26 and he is 24. We clicked right away and everything was going great. 5 months together and I found out I was pregnant and he was really fantastic. He did everything for me and was so supportive. He was really excited about the baby. I lost the baby at 11 weeks and we were both gutted, he lost his job at the same time and he got really stressed and we ended up splitting up. We had been living together so I moved out. We were back together 2 weeks later. Did not move back in together and decided to take things slow. He was still very down about losing his job and the baby and he could not find work anywhere so it lasted 2 months and he broke it off again. Again we both cried, He said he still loved me but that he felt that he could not give me what I deserved. He blamed himself for losing the baby as he had already lost a baby 3 years before hand and took it very badly. We stayed in contact and on New years eve we decided to give it another go taking things at snail pace. He had also been taking steps to deal with depression while we were apart and is making progress. He wants to avoid anitdepressants if possible. He has been job hunting everyday and is really trying to turn things around. He went a bit off the rails when we broke up the second time and was drinking a lot for a few weeks but that has stopped and he is really trying. He did get caught for drink driving while we were broken up. It was his first time driving while under the influence and he got caught which serves him right. He totally regrets doing it as he hates it also but nevertheless he was stupid enough to do it. It is his first time in trouble with the police. My problem is that my parents, who are truly great people, hate him. They never really liked him to begin with because of the way he dresses and his general appearance. They had no other reason not to like him. Well now they absolutely hate him because he broke up with me and I was so upset. I don’t blame them for this and I understand that they do not want anything to do with him. They do tend to judge people on appearance and I’m not like that at all, I prefer to get to know someone. They have an idea in their heads of the type of person I should be with, but my vision is totally different to theirs. Now they have said that if I choose to see him they will have nothing more to do with either of us ever again. I love my parents so much but I’m 26 and I do value their advice but I do not think it should be forced upon me. I do not want to choose between my family and my partner and I have told them this but they say I have to. I feel like I’m being controlled. Am I selfish? Maybe I am and maybe I am making a mistake with him. Is it not mine to make?? Anyone have any words of wisdom to shed on this.
paddington bear Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 It's a very unfair spot for your parents to put you in. You are an adult and it's up to you to make your own decisions. however, parents will be parents, my mother takes an instant dislike to any boyfriend when I mention we had a row. It can be any minor thing. So, I've pretty much stopped telling her about any of the bad stuff, to avoid being put in the middle like you are right now. It's tough because you need their support when going through the bad times, but then when you forgive someone e.g. for dumping you and want to get back with them, the parents don't forget all those nights where you were crying and distraught over the very same guy and try to prevent it happening again. It's only natural and at the same time basically blackmailing you, by threatening to never speak with you again seems a little over the top going by what you've written Could it be that you are so blinded by love for this guy that you haven't realised that it might just be more than the clothes he wears that is the problem for you parents? Perhaps they saw from the offset that he wasn't good enough for you? And I don't mean financially, or looks-wise, I mean in terms of being emotionally supportive and loving. In terms of solving this, I would decide that you are not allowing yourself to be put in the middle of this, choose him or us. Should you want to get back together with this guy well then it's up to him to talk with your parents and them with him. It's him they have the problem with so he is the person they should be issuing ultimatums to or at least trying to work through their issues with, not you.
carhill Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 My problem is that my parents, who are truly great people, hate him. Now they have said that if I choose to see him they will have nothing more to do with either of us ever again. Is this consistent behavior for them?
Author Happydays04 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 Could it be that you are so blinded by love for this guy that you haven't realised that it might just be more than the clothes he wears that is the problem for you parents? Perhaps they saw from the offset that he wasn't good enough for you? And I don't mean financially, or looks-wise, I mean in terms of being emotionally supportive and loving. In terms of solving this, I would decide that you are not allowing yourself to be put in the middle of this, choose him or us. Should you want to get back together with this guy well then it's up to him to talk with your parents and them with him. It's him they have the problem with so he is the person they should be issuing ultimatums to or at least trying to work through their issues with, not you. Well they decided he wasn't good enough before they even met him or knew anything about him. He is from a town about 3 hours away and they knoew nothing of him but instantly disliked him. I know what you mean tho. Maybe they are right and maybe he is wrong. Still I think cutting me out of their lives is a bit harsh. He wanted to go and talk to them but I know my parents and to be honest it would be a bad idea. My dad has already told me to tell him to stay out of his way cos if he meets him there will be trouble. They are not the most approachable people. When they found out I was pregnant they really hit the roof. At 26 even though it wasn't planned I certainly knew we could cope. I have a good job and I've been financially independant for about 5 years.
Author Happydays04 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 Is this consistent behavior for them? If they do not agree with something they will make me feel bad about it. Like when I was pregnant at 26 they called me a whore and said I was asking for it. I was in a relationship and living with him. They screamed insults for about an hour until I left. They have never liked any of my boyfriends. My sister and I are totally different and always have been in everyway. She is married and they love her husband and he is a great guy but they want me to be with someone like him but I want different things. I guess I'm just feeling selfish
paddington bear Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 If they do not agree with something they will make me feel bad about it. Like when I was pregnant at 26 they called me a whore and said I was asking for it. I was in a relationship and living with him. They screamed insults for about an hour until I left. They have never liked any of my boyfriends. My sister and I are totally different and always have been in everyway. She is married and they love her husband and he is a great guy but they want me to be with someone like him but I want different things. I guess I'm just feeling selfish Well I don't know what to say. Calling you a whore is hardly helpful or the actions of shocked, but loving parents. If you leave this man you got pregnant with out of the picture for a moment, can you envisage your life without the approbation of your parents? How would that be? Would your sister also cut you off since she seems to be the star child who has followed the route that your parents wanted for you both and would thus side with them? What I'm getting at is would you lose all familial support by going against your parents wishes either with this guy or through some other actions? Second question is, could you in all honestly live with that, the cold silence when your parents are no longer in your life? Would you likely crumble and go crawling back to them, because no matter what they are like, they are your parents after all? They are treating you like a little girl, but also seem to think that it's their right as parents to control your romantic and sexual life and decisions, which it is not. At some point they have to let you make your own mistakes. If you can bear the loss of them from your life (that may be permanent) perhaps you should tell them that while you love them dearly and you do not want to lose them from your life, that you don't appreciate being called a whore. Explain that emotionally blackmailing you is also not appreciated, that it is their choice to make this ultimatum, not yours, but since they are likely to take this stance with every guy that you date from now on, unless it's someone that they chose for you, that you will reluctantly get on with your own life, as you chose to live it and with a man who you see fit as your life partner. If this means losing them from your life that that is absolutely their choice and a rule that they have decided. And should they ever change their mind and want their daughter back in their life not just on their terms that you'd always be happy and open for that to happen. But...as mentioned, doing that is a long and lonely road and may lead to a permanent rift between you and your parents, which is not something to be undertaken lightly.
carhill Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 If they do not agree with something they will make me feel bad about it. Like when I was pregnant at 26 they called me a whore and said I was asking for it. I was in a relationship and living with him. They screamed insults for about an hour until I left. Time to let them go. Establish boundaries of healthy behavior and black hole them if they breach them. Reproduction doesn't confer the right to denigrate and humiliate one's offspring. You don't 'owe' them anything, IMO.
Author Happydays04 Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 Thanks Paddington Bear. I know its a tough call and I do need to look at it from both sides. Guess I have alot to consider. They are pretty much ignoring and avoiding me at the moment and have been for about 3 weeks. Thanks again for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it
Author Happydays04 Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 Hi carhill, Thank you for your message. I understand what you are saying. This is also my biggest fear. If I let them go they may never forgive me but if I let him go I might never forgive them for making me choose. He makes me happy. I've told them that I don't expect them to accept him until he wins back their trust but asked that they not turn me away for following my heart. They declined my offer!!!!! Thank you for tkaing the time to respond
Author Happydays04 Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 Any other advice? Suggestions? Feedback?
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