June1884 Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 I posted the full background of this story about a month ago but I'm going to try again with the "abridged" version. My husband refuses to see my family. His reasons: 1. They have humiliated him and are very critical of him. 2. My brother has treated him like garbage. 3. After a falling out with said brother they show him a video on "Foregivess"...on Christmas Day (thus humiliating him further and causing him to sight that Christmas as, "the worst Christmas ever, INCLUDING the one where his dad died." 4. My mom wrote to his mother calling him "bitter and insecure" and my H found the letter. 5. When he tries to be nice they usually undermine his intelligence. 6. He thinks they are phony and pretentious and that the only reason to have him around is so that he fills a spot at the dinner table. There are more, but you get the gist. . . I have been upset for as long as this has been going on (approx. 2 years). We have been married for 3. I know that he has reason to not like my family, however, it is very hard when they come up as a topic and I hear him say things like "Your mom's a b*&%#" and "They're dead to me." I know he's hurt but on my end I have been forced to go to weddings and holidays alone and it's just plain sad and heartbreaking. What do I do?
HeyThere Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 If your family is that dysfunctional, manipulative, disrespectful and whatever else, then there are issues. Does he come from a similar situation?
mem11363 Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 If he did NOT apologize - then why should your H forgive? I posted the full background of this story about a month ago but I'm going to try again with the "abridged" version. My husband refuses to see my family. His reasons: 1. They have humiliated him and are very critical of him. 2. My brother has treated him like garbage. 3. After a falling out with said brother they show him a video on "Foregivess"...on Christmas Day (thus humiliating him further and causing him to sight that Christmas as, "the worst Christmas ever, INCLUDING the one where his dad died." 4. My mom wrote to his mother calling him "bitter and insecure" and my H found the letter. 5. When he tries to be nice they usually undermine his intelligence. 6. He thinks they are phony and pretentious and that the only reason to have him around is so that he fills a spot at the dinner table. There are more, but you get the gist. . . I have been upset for as long as this has been going on (approx. 2 years). We have been married for 3. I know that he has reason to not like my family, however, it is very hard when they come up as a topic and I hear him say things like "Your mom's a b*&%#" and "They're dead to me." I know he's hurt but on my end I have been forced to go to weddings and holidays alone and it's just plain sad and heartbreaking. What do I do?
Author June1884 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 My husband comes from a situation where his parents were divorced when he was 7. He chose to live with his father as his mother chose to remarry and take his sisters with her. He and his father were very close but unfortunately his father was an alcoholic and did some time in jail. He was a tragic hero in the eyes of my husband because he taught him "how to be a man" but also forced him to grow up more quickly. My husband essentially raised himself and has become a very successful adult. His father died the December of his first year at college. My feeling is that he has felt abandoned, betrayed and very hurt by people in his life and when we got married he hoped that he could have some kind of stability within the context of my family since his family fell apart at the seams. During our dating years my H went out of his way all the time to go to my parents' house and to invite my brother along on fishing trips etc. He really wanted to feel at home there .. and he did up until a few years ago when my mother's controlling antics and my brother's immaturity started to wear him down.
Disintegration Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 If I was disrespected as your H is by your family I wouldn't want to be in their company either. I don't blame him for feeling this way at all.
Ronni_W Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 June, Your husband is taking appropriate, self-loving, self-preserving action. on my end I have been forced to go to weddings and holidays alone You are making free will decisions and choices about what you do (or do not do.) No one is holding a gun to your head to attend your family events by yourself...you are not being "forced". Just my personal. If my family treated my partner like that, I would stay home with him and find mutually enjoyable activities to do together that will help strengthen our love, trust, respect, admiration and support for each other.
crazycatlady Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 I have had troubles with H's family on several occassions, mostly his mother. I'm grateful that H has always stood up for me, taken my side, defended me, and fought for my right to be respected because I always treated them with respect. You have not done so. If I were your H I wouldn't go either and I would be hurt that you didn't come to my defense and/or stood by my and not attend. He's protecting himself because you won't protect him. He can't fight them, that's wrong. That's YOUR job as his link to that family. H knows I will not go to his family's place alone anymore. And don't ever want to go even with him because of how they have treated me. Mostly his mother. I don't see why I should allow this person to treat me this way. I'm an adult and I do not have to put myself in that position. Good for your H for standing up for himself when you won't do it. CCL
D-Lish Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Your husband has valid concerns and good reasons to avoid seeing your family. My exH's family was also very critical, insensitive and extremely demanding of his time. If he had a free moment from work, they expected him to be visiting with them. They'd invite us for dinner, but his mother would only set a place for him! They made me feel like an outsider that had stolen their son and brother. I stopped visiting because I would leave their house feeling physically sick. My exH never stood up for me, and I lost respect for him- it really damaged our relationship and is one of the reasons we split. What others are saying is correct- it is up to you to stand up for your husband and make things right. I'd never stand for my family treating my husband in such a horrible manner.
Author June1884 Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 I agree that I should support my husband and I have always supported him. There has been many a loud and tearful argument with my mom and me in which I tell her exactly what is causing the rift. She doesn't feel she has done anything wrong and meanwhile guilts me into feeling that I am not dealing with the situation appropriately. Perhaps I'm just too much of a people pleaser and i'm getting caught in the middle trying to make everyone happy. I just wish I could stop thinking about it.
D-Lish Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 But you shouldn't stop thinking about it, it's not going to go away by trying to sweep it under the rug. My ex was the same way, he didn't want to cause waves- and his solution was for me to just go over to their house and endure the criticism and abuse. If your husband feels anywhere close to how I felt during my time with him/them- he must be going through hell. He feels you are choosing them over him, and in a sense, you are. I used to feel that everytime he went to hang out with them when I wasn't welcomed, that he was abandoning me. He's now in a situation where his new wife won't visit them either- but the way I see it, it's his fault. I know they are your family, but they are mistreating your husband, it's up to you to take a stand. If you don't, you might lose your marriage over it.
Ronni_W Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Perhaps I'm just too much of a people pleaser and i'm getting caught in the middle trying to make everyone happy. June, Yes, there is probably some (a lot of?) people-pleasing going on. But you have NOT stayed in the middle. The people you end up choosing to please are your family members and your mom. YOU are responsible for taking on any guilt that your mom wants to give you, it is not being "forced" on you. You are not upholding your promises and commitments to your husband, your lover. You're making CONSCIOUS, free will decisions and choices about that. Have you tried putting yourself in your husband's shoes, yet? How your family is treating him, and how you are treating him? I agree with D-lish that denying and ignoring this situation would just be inviting MORE trouble, up to and including your husband making a totally new decision for himself. An individual therapist can help you with the people-pleasing problem (and the accompanying issues.) I'm not sure if a marriage counselor will be able to understand and feel the impact of your actions on your husband and your marriage...but I strongly encourage you to at least try counseling, anyway.
HeyThere Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 (edited) I agree 112% (nice round number) with the other posters here. If I had to guess you and your husband are in your mid twenties and even though the marriage is relatively new (2-4years?); you feel caught in the middle with family issues. You may have a challenging time of seeing these “personalities” for who they are, warts and all. As you grow with your husband your birth family will very much continue to try and manipulate you however and whenever they think they can; putting an added stress on the relationship. My advice is to create boundaries that you or your families should not cross and if they do then immediately call them on it. Also, crying about a family issue in front of them is a no-no, because with that they will continue to see you as a child. When the reality is more likely that they act like children with the baggage they drag along. Just my .02 Best of everything. p.s. – examples of boundaries are not discussing private issues, not blaming or being blamed (labeled)…you do this first discussing these with your husband and you don’t announce these boundaries with your family – more or less it’s done in a mental fashion. You’ve got two threads going on here? See if LS can merge them into one. Edited February 4, 2010 by HeyThere
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