Author June1884 Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 When she made the comment I basically said, "Gimme a break, not everything is about you." and after that I dropped it. I feel like the more attention I give to my mom the more credence it lends to her pettiness. It's too bad because I feel as though my dad understands my pain and has on several occasions tried to mediate between myself and my mom. I have certainly told her she is being a jerk on more than one occasion so I suppose it is up to her to one day realize the cost of her selfishness. As for children, my husband are in agreement about when we want them and we do share the same values and expectations only my H is much better about sticking to his guns than I am. I am much too worried about what other people think or whether or not I will disappoint. Admitting is the first step right?
HeyThere Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I am much too worried about what other people think or whether or not I will disappoint. Admitting is the first step right? I'm not sure what you're getting at here?
TaraMaiden Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I think she's admitting that she lets outside influences colour her reasoning....whereas actually, she should just be focussing on the internal and immediate importance of the dilemma. maybe....
D-Lish Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Hi June... if I could have it to do all over again, I would have run at the first sign of trouble from my future in-laws. Over the years they have made my life hell. I should have taken a page from your husband's book and just never gone back there after the third incident. The problem is that my H is an only child, and they are old-country European, so they have never let go of the apron strings. It didn't matter if I said white, they said black. Up until a couple of years ago (as far as I know) they were still urging him to leave me and the kids and move back home (after 30 years!!!) I have tried everything - no contact, low contact, arguing back, standing my ground and eventually caving in to what my H wanted me to do - suck it up. A few years ago I truly had it - and I refuse to have anything more to do with them. They call the house on ocassion - but I won't pick up the phone just in case one of them is dead and the other one wants me to help. When hell freezes over I say. In any case, my point is that H and I have had huge huge huge fights about them from day 1 - they are crap disturbers - and since he wouldn't stick up for me I did lose a lot of respect for him. Not only that but we always have the "same" argument over and over - never resolved - and it wore on me. Every time it happened it took another "chunk" of the love and respect I had for him. Eventually he started going behind my back to visit them and then he'd come home miserable and take it out on me anyways. They know he is an alcoholic, but they still feed him beer when he is there, which fuels the fires even more. We are currently in the process of separating. My choice. My advise to you is to resolve this situation once and for all. Do not let your family meddle in your business or disrespect your husband. In the long run it will eat away at your marriage and your feelings for each other. If only my H had put me first years ago he wouldn't be looking at moving back home now. Good luck. I had the EXACT issue with my ex-inlaws- they were also Eastern European, they also encouraged him to leave me and move home. His mother was just manipulative- using guilt and tears as a weapon. When my exH lost his job at one point, they turned their basement into a "suite" for him to move home to (not for the both of us- just him, lol.) My ex H worked in the US and I lived in Canada- so he was only able to make it home once every 2-3 weeks for a weekend- when he was home, they wanted him there, at their place the entire time. If we didn't answer the phone, they would show up on our doorstep and park themselves in our living room. They'd invite us for dinner and I'd go over, and there wouldn't be a place set for me...The list goes on and on. It was also a living hell for me- and the main reason why we drifted apart. I lost all respect for him and his inability to stand up for me/us. I told the OP in another post that she has to do something about the situation, or her marriage will most likely meet the same demise of mine (and yours).
Author June1884 Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 Oops, sorry to be so cryptic...TaraMaiden, you're exactly right.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 In my 17 year marriage, my parents have not treated my wife with respect from day one.. As a direct result of that, my parents do not even know their own grandchildren! Both of these people mean so much to me; my own wife of 17 years (mom to our 5 kids), and my own parents. It is my responsibility to manage both of these relationships and keep them as harmonious as possible. I can openly admit I have failed here. There was a point many years ago, where I finally decided to choose my wife over my own parents. That is not to say I did not ever want to see or speak to my parents. But basically I had to tell them this in the hopes they would change. Years have matured them, yet they still do not have the maturity to respect my wife as an extension of me. Perhaps they are coming around (at least my Mom seems to be)... It's impossibly tough, gut wrenching hurt and pain to be stuck in the middle of this. If I could give someone who was in this position advice, it would be that if you do not have kids, if there is any way possible, end the relationship now; or otherwise stand up to your family of origin and tell them they respect your spouse as an extension of you or face being without you. I know it's very hard to do. Trust me, I have been there, and still am. It's a struggle. The best thing that has come out of this for me is the absolute knowledge that no matter what I think of the partners my children may select, it is not my position to doubt them or disapprove of their choices. To the OP, stand up to your Mom NOW, or limit your contact with her severly. Or choose to end your marriage... your husband deserves better than this. I think you know that.
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