Husband Refuses to see my family

[June1884]

I posted the full background of this story about a month ago but I'm going to try again with the "abridged" version.

 

My husband refuses to see my family.

His reasons: 1. They have humiliated him and are very critical of him.

2. My brother has treated him like garbage.

3. My mom wrote to his mom calling him "bitter and insecure" and my H found the letter.

4. When he tries to be nice they usually undermine his intelligence.

5. He thinks they are phony and pretentious and that the only reason to have him around is so that he fills a spot at the dinner table.

 

 

There are more, but you get the gist. . .

[quankanne]

if the relationship is really as toxic as it sounds, maybe it's time to stop trying to force them to get along, and respect his need to keep himself apart. However, I do hope that he continues to encourage YOU to stay in contact with them because they're your people ...

 

my guess is that when it comes down to the nitty-gritty, he'll be there with you when you need him, and that he'll deal with family in those instances because he loves you. But, if you force him to deal with them when they treating him like shxt, he will resent it to a point where he WON'T stand with you when you need him because it'll just be too much.

 

he is probably keeping himself apart from them as much as possible so that he doesn't get sucked into the toxicity and start treating them the way they treat him, you know?

[stillafool]

I can't really say I blame your husband for not wanting to see them. I would let it go and if your family asked where he is tell him the reason they don't want to be around them.

[JaneInVegas]

And you blame him because .... ?

 

I refused to see my ex-mother-in-law for similar reasons the last year of our marriage. You need to just figure out how to balance your two separate families and let it go. I seriously doubt there is any kind of a fix for your situation.

 

Good luck to you HUGS

[BUENG1]

I posted the full background of this story about a month ago but I'm going to try again with the "abridged" version.

 

My husband refuses to see my family.

His reasons: 1. They have humiliated him and are very critical of him.

2. My brother has treated him like garbage.

3. My mom wrote to his mom calling him "bitter and insecure" and my H found the letter.

4. When he tries to be nice they usually undermine his intelligence.

5. He thinks they are phony and pretentious and that the only reason to have him around is so that he fills a spot at the dinner table.

 

 

There are more, but you get the gist. . .

 

10 characters

Edited February 4, 2010 by BUENG1

[Jeff1962]

I don't know the whole story.

 

I'll put it to you from my prespective.

 

If you love your husband and there is no solidification for your families feelings toward your H. Then stand up for him. He is your man, he needs your support. This would mean so much to him, to know that you have his back.

 

A marriage is a place in life to feel safe from the world. I do not blame your H. for feeling this way.

 

On the other hand, I would stand up for myself especially with the brother-in-law and make it very well clear in private to brother-in-law that he is going to get his A kicked if he does not shut his mouth. He needs to be prepared to follow thru.

 

Some people are just A holes.

[Pleco]

If I were you, I'd have long ago said goodbye to my family. Once marriage occurred, my husband would be my top priority. And the only way to make my family see eye-to-eye would be to quit speaking to them.

 

No contact would hopefully jar them into realizing that they need to either wake up or they won't ever see me again.

[TaraMaiden]

I posted the full background of this story about a month ago but I'm going to try again with the "abridged" version.

 

My husband refuses to see my family.

His reasons: 1. They have humiliated him and are very critical of him.

2. My brother has treated him like garbage.

3. My mom wrote to his mom calling him "bitter and insecure" and my H found the letter.

4. When he tries to be nice they usually undermine his intelligence.

5. He thinks they are phony and pretentious and that the only reason to have him around is so that he fills a spot at the dinner table.

 

 

There are more, but you get the gist. . .

 

Your last comment in the other thread you posted about this, says it all.

You can't please everyone.

 

I actually can't tell how you feel about this, or whether you completely agree with either their opinions, or his actions....but when you married your husband, you made certain vows.

 

let me just put this into some kind of context for you - See if you agree....

 

When you married this man, archaic and outdated as it may be, your father 'gave you away'.

So what he actually did, was acknowledge the fact that as a human being, your place of dwelling changed, your social sphere changed and your priorities changed.

You promised your husband the following things:

 

I, (you), take you (him), to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

 

Those are the traditional vows spoken by every woman giving herself in Marriage, to a man. You do this, facing the altar, facing him, and facing away from your family.

These things are not accidental.

This is all carefully choreographed to be full of symbolism and significance.

 

So?

Yes.

 

You're right.

You can't please everyone.

 

And thus, it follows therefore, that your duty - as per your vows - and as per your father's consensual action - is to be loyal, faithful and supportive TO YOUR HUSBAND.

 

It's hight time you stood up to your family, show them you made a choice, for your own good reasons, and that either they toe the line, or they lose all but the most necessary contact with you.

This does not mean you have to love them, any the less.

But it does mean they see your backbone.

 

'Bout time you showed it.

[Chingaling]

Hi June... if I could have it to do all over again, I would have run at the first sign of trouble from my future in-laws. Over the years they have made my life hell. I should have taken a page from your husband's book and just never gone back there after the third incident. The problem is that my H is an only child, and they are old-country European, so they have never let go of the apron strings. It didn't matter if I said white, they said black. Up until a couple of years ago (as far as I know) they were still urging him to leave me and the kids and move back home (after 30 years!!!)

 

I have tried everything - no contact, low contact, arguing back, standing my ground and eventually caving in to what my H wanted me to do - suck it up. A few years ago I truly had it - and I refuse to have anything more to do with them. They call the house on ocassion - but I won't pick up the phone just in case one of them is dead and the other one wants me to help. When hell freezes over I say.

 

In any case, my point is that H and I have had huge huge huge fights about them from day 1 - they are crap disturbers - and since he wouldn't stick up for me I did lose a lot of respect for him. Not only that but we always have the "same" argument over and over - never resolved - and it wore on me. Every time it happened it took another "chunk" of the love and respect I had for him. Eventually he started going behind my back to visit them and then he'd come home miserable and take it out on me anyways. They know he is an alcoholic, but they still feed him beer when he is there, which fuels the fires even more.

 

We are currently in the process of separating. My choice.

 

My advise to you is to resolve this situation once and for all. Do not let your family meddle in your business or disrespect your husband. In the long run it will eat away at your marriage and your feelings for each other.

 

If only my H had put me first years ago he wouldn't be looking at moving back home now.

 

Good luck.

[June1884]

I appreciate all the support and good advice but I suppose the hard part for me is the fact that my mom claims she "loves" my H and she says she wants a relationship with him. My parents are committed Christians and I have even gotten the "honor thy mother and father" speech from my mom in respect to this situation. I don't know if I my mom is being sincere in her wishes to have a relationship with my husband or whether or not it is simply a matter of keeping up appearances so that she doesn't feel guilty about her own misbehavior. My husband and I want to start our own family in the near future and I just don't want this tension to get in the way.

[Ronni_W]

Your mom is not giving your husband basic respect (having labeled him as "bitter and insecure...in a letter to his mom, no less; and "undermining his intelligence".) I guess you'll need to find out exactly what kind of relationship she wants with him. From what you've posted, she hasn't yet shown him any "love" (again though, maybe it depends on her definition of "loving" her son-in-law.)

 

In sending that letter to his mom, how was she "honouring" HIS mother?

 

And what does her Christian Bible say about a wife honouring her husband?

 

June, you're an adult, a woman and a wife. You're not living up to any of that. You're making excuse after excuse. Are you living up to YOUR OWN values, vision and vows? At some point you'll need to decide if you want to stay acting like your parents' child or whether you want to grow up.

 

Goodness Sake.

[HeyThere]

Who are you going to believe your mom who tells you she “loves” your husband (bitter and insecure) or cyber folks who have no stake in your life other than we’ve been where you are? Let me see, pain you’ve experienced your whole life or protect yourself from this foolishness.

 

By the way when your mom has to give the "honor thy mother and father" speech means she considers that your allegiance should be to her and not your husband. Read between the lines.

 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Edited February 5, 2010 by HeyThere

[whichwayisup]

Your mom 'saying' that she wants a relationship, that she loves your H is one thing.. Putting that into actions and showing IN actions that she DOES care about your H, respect him and wants him as her SIL is another.

 

She owes your H a huge apology, as does your brother. Your family has done a 180 on him and your H has EVERY RIGHT to NOT want to be around them.

 

You need to support your H on this, he is your family now. See your mom on your own time and tell her that if she wants to spend time with him, she can call him, talk to him. As long as HE is willing to give her a chance. This won't work if he isn't on board with that.

[HeyThere]

"My husband and I want to start our own family in the near future and I just don't want this tension to get in the way."

 

You show wisdom beyond your years by identifying the pain you’re feeling now. I highly recommend clarifying this tension with an individual counselor (not your parents). Otherwise you are asking for more than bargained for in starting a family at this time.

 

What issues divided your husband’s parents aside from the alcohol?

Edited February 5, 2010 by HeyThere

[June1884]

My husband's parents broke up for a number of reasons....They were high school sweethearts who got pregnant and thus married at a very young age. They had 4 children and were married for approx. 18 years and there were ups and downs in their marriage (like any other) that were exacerbated by his drinking and somewhat manic behavior. There were clearly trust issues and when my H's father earned some jail time due to some corruption within his business, my MIL began seeing another man and says now that she just couldn't take the fact that she couldn't trust her husband and that is why she wanted the divorce.

 

"HEYTHERE" , it's funny you made the comment about insanity being doing something over and over and expecting the same result, my husband says that to me all the time! I think I should seek out a counselor but I don't know where to look AND I don't want to go to someone who will pit me against either side.

 

It's a harsh reality when you discover that the family that was your safe haven for so many years is the one thing threatening the love of your life.

[TaraMaiden]

(. . . )I think I should seek out a counselor but I don't know where to look AND I don't want to go to someone who will pit me against either side.

First of all. counselling will be about you, not other people. And no counsellor worth their salt will do that to you.

What they will do is help you sort out your own thinking, and maybe help you see where the solutions lie, by following through to your own conclusions.

 

It's a harsh reality when you discover that the family that was your safe haven for so many years is the one thing threatening the love of your life.

I know what you mean here. And probably, so do many people, particularly of my age.

I'm in my 50's, and from an era where we were brought up to respect our parents, and believe everything they did was right. Parents in my day and age, didn't discuss things with children, nor were we considered people who should participate in family discussions. What they said - went.

So, yes, it's a real hard knock when you discover they're as human, and as fallible, and as prone to making mistakes as much as anyone else....

 

And I think this is one way you might have to look at it.

By forgetting who all these people are, and merely looking at the behaviour patterns. Then, deciding whom you feel is more justified.

if they weren't your parents, but maybe, his work colleagues, or just close friends - how would you feel, then?

[2sure]

His reasons are certainly valid.

 

And the number of posters who agree with him is not surprising.

 

But I have kind of a different take. My family, my extended family - is made up of a varied cast of groups and characters. Both sides. Some like each other , some very much do not. Some I love, some I cannot believe I am related to. Over the years, a few branches have stopped talking to others, within families siblings and parents have ceased real contact, etc.

 

But for my little branch ...lol...not being able to stand each other does not mean the end of the obligation.

 

Now, before anyone says hey, no one is obligated to put up with nonsense and abuse ...of course I agree. I mean, if you cant take it -you cant , shouldnt , dont have to.

 

But we do it with some bit of stoicism and a lot of humor. We just dont care. We go. We have no expectations. Hold no grudges, offer no defense. Some parts of life and family are necessary evils...its all in your reaction to them.

 

For example, my brothers wife. She hates me. I think she hates my whole family. And maybe her own as well. We take turns sitting next to her at dinner, holidays, etc. The last one to turn on her has to do have another turn next time. So far, its been my older sister like, 8 times in a row. But she thinks she can do it next time...lol..we'll seeee.

[HeyThere]

It's a harsh reality when you discover that the family that was your safe haven for so many years is the one thing threatening the love of your life.

 

Your family is the one and only family you’ll ever have. I believe my situation is a bit more extreme, whereby my parents and siblings are abusive and it sucks. However, I see them for who they are and not who I want them to be. With this attitude, I take none of their bullc**p. I’m very polite and express my feelings clearly. My family uses words as weapons, including the word love, which has only confused the situation. I know there is love there; it’s just buried under a pile of manure. Their pile of dung is neglect, indifference, manipulation, anger, elitism, arrogance, dishonesty and they cover it up by telling me they love me? It is all more than frustrating and confusing.

 

As I said before my boundaries are not discussing private issues, not blaming or being blamed (labeled) by them. If they cross a boundary then I immediately call them on it. I don’t announce these boundaries with my birth family. I love my parents, they are apart of me – I need to love and protect myself more so. This has been difficult for me to navigate these waters and I hear your confusion as well.

[Ronni_W]

I think I should seek out a counselor but I don't know where to look AND I don't want to go to someone who will pit me against either side.

That is an EXCELLENT idea, I think.

Google terms like "therapy <your area>", "psychotherapy <area>", "counseling <area>". If there's nothing in your area, telephone counseling works delightfully well. (There's an article on it at MarriageBuilders.com)

You can also check for referrals from the websites of governing bodies -- again here, Google is your friend

 

As Tara says, therapy will help you to unravel what YOU want and how YOU want to go about achieving your self-determined goals.

 

To improve your own situation, though, it will require you to change some of your current family-of-origin dynamics; you will necessarily need to start 'being and doing' differently with them than you (and they) are used to...and nobody is gonna be all the comfy with it right off the bat, lemme tell ya!

 

But I would encourage you to stay dedicated and determined, and consistent and persistent -- your husband, your marriage and your future children are counting on you to not give up when the going gets tough during this endeavour/'journey'.

 

Best of luck.

[HeyThere]

When looking for an individual counselor, pick one that your gut tells you is good/great. Generally they come in three basic varieties psychiatry, psychology and social worker. A psychiatrist is a M.D. and can prescribe drugs, be alert of those that push drugs for the sake of drugs. A psychologist is a Ph. D. and can provide talk therapy only. A social worker may have a bachelor’s, or master’s and in rare cases a Ph. D. and also provide talk therapy only.

 

You may want to test drive a few before you make a decision. A little caution will go a long way in selecting the best professional. In my area fees are between $150 and $250 per 50 minutes and well worth the investment for a top notch professional. You can justify the expense as a life giving treatment.

 

I've been happiest through referrals by people I admire and know they went through therapy.

 

Best of everything.

[HeyThere]

correction: Your family is the one and only birth family you’ll ever have.

[crazycatlady]

I kno my SIL (sister in law) feels very bitter and resentful and will not have children until its resolved because our MIL treats her in a similar way to how she treats me. But unlike my H who stands up for me to his mother and father, her H does not. And has even told my SIL that she can not stand up for herself to them either. I as like . And if my H ever did that I don't know if our marriage could survive.

 

MIL has told me on several occassions "Oh you and I have such a great relationships () nothing like I had to deal with with my MIL (a truly wonderful woman whom I miss greatly, she was the first to welcome me to the family and who I felt loved H deeply and didn't compair him to his brother constantly but then she wasn't MY mil, maybe she would have sucked there) Its so great you and I get along so well and respect each other" I'm not sure why she thinks that, unless its simply because I took for so long the freaking abuse she heaps on me.

 

But for the past 4 years I've not seen them alone for longer then 4 hours. I use to take the kids there and stay because H couldn't/didn't want to go but no more. I will never do it again. H has to be there to protect me because I'll either be passive and take her ****, or I'm going to snap one day and truly bitter ugly things will come out of my mouth. I use to put up with it for FIL's sake, no reason to punish him for her mistakes, but during the blow ups due to how she treatment, I discovered he didn't think there was anything wrong with her treating me that way. Respect is earned, and if you don't respect me, I won't return the favor.

 

I was raised to be nice and polite, I wasn't raised to be a doormat. I did stop and see them when I was traveling through their area. But I did not stay the night and I will no longer go out of my way to see them. I'm sad the kids don't get to see their grandparents more often because I avoid going home to see my parents to avoid that fight about not seeing his. I'm going home this summer though and that fight will no longer be able to be avoided. I'm just tired of avoiding my family because his sucks.

 

My H isn't fond of seeing my family for any lenght of time - well aside from my little sister but that's a whole other b*tch - but they and I accept it. He just feels awkward around them like he can't do his normal stuff like play video games all day. But I don't push H to do it. I ask if he wants to come, he says no, I tell him to enjoy the free time and the kids and I go. Everyone wins. However he did go and see my folks for one day when he was last in the area because as little as he gets along ith my parents, they treat him with more respect then his parents treat him.

 

If my parents acted like his, I would support H. I would fight for him. I stand up to them over him, it doesn't happen often, and becauser they know I don't like to hear them say bad things about him, they will ask me not to complain to them because it makes it hard on them. Telling me to take it to my sisters, not to them. Its not often but it happened a bit last year during the bad times which makes me wonder if every 6th year is going to suck LOL.

 

Anyay, this is a sore issue for me. And you either need to drop pushing him to go - it isn't his family, no matter how much you want it to be - or you need to set up boundries for your family not to cross, including an apology from all of them to him. But that won't happen, I can tell. Your family think they have the right to treat your H poorly and will continue to do so as long as you and he allow it.

 

I don't see how counciling for you will help in this manner, except maybe help you detach the apron strings.

 

Sorry that's a little bitter, but I feel for your H, your family makes what I went through seem simple and easy.

 

CCL

[HeyThere]

My wife and I have been married for 21 years with 3 happy children and we love each other very much. My parents spend more time being impressed with their social circle then the family circle. It takes a toll. My wife gets annoyed whenever I bring up the subject of my parents and sisters – so I don’t. My relationship with my family (wife and children) is the most important part of my world. My career is essential to providing for them and a source of pride as well. Our journey together and strong support of our children is an inspiration to our connection. I didn’t grow up in that environment, but it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be able to create it. The same goes for you. What are your recent thoughts?

[June1884]

I, too, hope to create an environment for my family that is somewhat different than the one I had growing up. So much of my childhood was stable and the fact that my parents are still married and always made us kids feel loved is the part I hope to keep. It wasn't until adolescence and beyond that my relationship with my mom became tense. There has always been a need to control on her end and a need to please (but always coming up short) on my end. She had a rather tumultuous upbringing herself and I feel that is one reason she strives for her version of a Rockwell painting. However, she doesn't seem to understand it is not her job to change people and make them behave the way she sees fit.

 

I visited my parents last Friday and while it was mostly fine there is always the pink elephant in the room (the absence of my H). When they asked about him I mentioned that he will be interviewing for a job a few states away. This of course was met with a good dose of bitterness as my mom responded by saying "Why don't you just move even further, then you would never have to see us.." I can always count on her for these comments and while I know that she's being ugly I simply can't help but feel extremely hurt.

 

At the same time, I feel like I have a stronger foothold as far as my priorities are concerned so I hope I can keep it up. I know that my H wants, more than anything, to create a family that he also never had and I'm willing to do what it takes to give him that.

[HeyThere]

I hope you stood up for yourself and your marriage when your mother made that stupid comment about “never have to see us”. If you didn’t or don’t speak up with each ignorant statement it will not stop, your parents see nothing wrong with their attitudes and behavior, and won’t unless confronted with the idiocy of it. You need to point out these controlling and misguided beliefs as they are presented. Even if they look confused or hurt as you shed light on the insults that comes out of their mouths, you’ll feel better about yourself. This is an area of therapy that will be a big help.

 

You and your husband need to be in complete sync about having children (values, both want them, same timing…) or that will create an added stress to the relationship. Some couples never recover from these initial problems as they snowball into other unintended consequences.