thepulse27 Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Hey there, it's been over 2 weeks since she sent me an email, and just under 2 weeks since my reply, which got a lot off my chest, then ended along the lines of 'thank you for the last 4 years. Now goodbye.' So, 2 weeks of NC later I get this: "Hey...just seeing how you are. I haven't heard from you in awhile. Hope all is well." Here is where I stand: I am in NC, but I do respond when spoken to, and I will respond to this, just obviously not particularly quickly. I won't be thought of as the a**hole who ignored someone who was being civil, I won't concede one tiny bit of the moral high ground here. Also, there will always be a chance for her to earn back my trust and my respect, which may result in us being people who have contact (and maybe even friends); again, obviously when I'm over it enough to have her in my life again. This is because firstly I'm not a cold and callous person, and I won't let her and this pain turn me into one, I will always be warm, caring and forgiving (if its earned). And it's because we had an incredible connection, and it would be a shame to lose that down the line when I have healed and she has grown up. I am not over her, not by a long shot, but reading this I felt absolutely nothing. To be honest I felt quite sorry for her, as it's quite a pathetic thing to write to someone who has been with you through the four years we have had. Now before you all say it, I know the subtext of this message is bulls**t. I realise there is some attention seeking and self indulgence in here amongst many other confused and childish things. I was thinking along the lines of "Hey, I'm good thanks. Hope you're alright too." What do you all think?
DenverBachelor Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 I think you are just allowing the door to a lot of game playing and heartache to be opened slowly by replying. You see, you still care what she thinks, or else you would just ignore her completely and not give two ****s whether she thinks you're an *******. You still feel like you owe her something -- in your mind, since she e-mailed you something small, she deserves a reply. What you're forgetting is that she left you. She made that decision and not you. She's sending you this to alleviate guilt and to feel better about the state of things. So by all means, reply back to her if you enjoy this sort of charade. Or, you could just ignore her and live the rest of your life as if she no longer exists.
duece22022 Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 i agree with Denver. don't let her have the satisfaction of know ing that you will always be there. Don't forget she left you. Show that you can move on and you don't need her. It is not acting callous, it is protecting yourself. She did the same thing when she broke up with you. You have to be selfish.
broncosfrk83 Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Please do not answer. I did and i regret it. I wanted to be back together with her and so i hopped on every time she talked to me, and yes i got the whole " Hey just wanting to see how you are doing". Believe me PLEASE! Once you talk to her and she gets he fill she will dump all contact again and it hurts like a bitch. Dont worry about being mean to her she choose ti leave u, now if it was the other way around it would be different. If she gets mad fine let her, she made her choice. Im still not over my ex but i will not answer her, It makes me feel good and makes her upset, which deep down i kno it hurts her. DONT DO IT!
GrayClouds Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 I am in NC Read the above. Then read it again. Now one more time. You now have your answer.
nobmagnet Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 NC babe. Read you last e.mail to her " Now goodbye" Says it all honey. You are not an impolite person you are person in pain who needs their space respected. She is feeding crumbs and although i agree withthe principle on politeness i dont belive she deserves to know how you are. Shelost that right when she left. You did say now goodbye............i would have read that as DONT CONTACT ME. Nobby xx
Ingenue Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 You don't need to reply out of any sense of obligation. I'm the same way as you are. I hate not replying because it makes me feel as if I'm irresponsible. The important thing to remember at this point is that she offered you friendship when you are ready. Your primary concern at this point, is you. It's not about making her feel better and less guilty. It isn't about filling her in on your day or that you're doing fine. You have to remember that she's currently not your friend. She is an ex. She may be your friend in the future when and if you should desire that. Considering the circumstances of the break up and the emotional baggage that both of you, and you as the dumpee are hauling around, it might be best to just ignore her email until you are fully ready to respond. When you no longer care what she thinks, when you no longer have a desire to respond, then you're ready to respond to the email. Until that time, you should continue your NC and not respond.
Author thepulse27 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 Thanks, everybody. I don't know why I forgot that she is basically going against a lot I said two weeks ago. I said we weren't going to be friends, not for the foreseeable future anyway, and then I said goodbye. But I still feel so conflicted. 'I think you are just allowing the door to a lot of game playing and heartache to be opened slowly by replying.' I agree, and I don't want to be drawn into this. 'You see, you still care what she thinks, or else you would just ignore her completely and not give two ****s whether she thinks you're an *******.' 'When you no longer care what she thinks, when you no longer have a desire to respond, then you're ready to respond to the email.' I understand the thinking behind this completely, and I want to thank both of you. But I'm not aiming to not care about her, I'm aiming to acknowledge that she was a special part of my life for a long time, but be ok with the fact that it's over now. I'm sorry I can't articulate this better but I will try: even more important to me than healing quickly, is being proud of myself at the end of it. Even though I'm hurting right now, I still know I'm a wonderful man, and I want to feel like that when I'm over her too. And a big part of that is feeling like whatever happened, whatever she did to me, I kept my dignity and my respect (for her and for myself). 'Read the above. Then read it again. Now one more time. You now have your answer.' Duly noted. But does the rest of my sentence have no bearing on this? i.e. I will never contact her, but I do speak when spoken to? To be honest I am starting to lean towards your way of thinking though. Above all else: does not responding not come across as weak, in the same way as being needy and emotional would? Does not responding not say either I am not strong enough to deal with you right now. or just I am a dick. ???
kwyser Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 By deliberately replying to her after a while you are showing that you aren't desperate to talk to her, you are however, showing that you will talk to her. If you want to cut it off, then do it. If not, then keep talking to her, but don't play the game of I'll wait to talk to you so you think I don't really want to talk to you that bad.
GrayClouds Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Above all else: does not responding not come across as weak, in the same way as being needy and emotional would? Does not responding not say either I am not strong enough to deal with you right now. or just I am a dick. ??? No it says I am a strong enough person that values myself to put myself first. More importantly why do you care what she thinks? It is done and over, her thoughts are no longer your concern. The last thing she thought that matter is she no longer wants to be in a relationship with you. Focus on yourself and heal.
Ingenue Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 'When you no longer care what she thinks, when you no longer have a desire to respond, then you're ready to respond to the email.' I understand the thinking behind this completely, and I want to thank both of you. But I'm not aiming to not care about her, I'm aiming to acknowledge that she was a special part of my life for a long time, but be ok with the fact that it's over now. I'm sorry I can't articulate this better but I will try: even more important to me than healing quickly, is being proud of myself at the end of it. Even though I'm hurting right now, I still know I'm a wonderful man, and I want to feel like that when I'm over her too. And a big part of that is feeling like whatever happened, whatever she did to me, I kept my dignity and my respect (for her and for myself). I should probably clarify what I mean. She has been an integral part of your life and regardless of whether we're dumpers or dumpees, we will always have a space in the past for our exes. When I state that you'll be ready to respond to her email when you don't care, I don't mean writing her out of your thoughts, your past or your life. What I do mean is that you're no longer taking hours or days deliberating whether you should write. That is indicative of an anxiety causing moment in which you are too invested in, to respond. If my friend sent an email, I'll respond without a thought. This is not because I don't care about my friend, but because I'm not heavily emotionally invested in whether I should contact her. I do it because I'm her friend and we have that rapport. You and your ex don't have that rapport (yet?). You might one day, but until that day, until the day you don't have to think for three days whether or not you're losing face or giving up power or whether you should even respond, you're not ready to respond. I know how hard it is. I did the same thing when my ex of 5 years dumped me by email. He wrote me asking how I was and I deliberated for two weeks whether I should write back, what I should write, if what I had written came off sounding nonchalant. In the end, it was my friend who shook sense into me. She made me realise that I wasn't ready to respond to my ex because the email meant more to me than a simple response. I was too invested in it. Whatever you decide, good luck. Just remember to take care of you.
Author thepulse27 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 Thank you all. This has really helped clear my thoughts. I realise that I wasn't going to respond because I wanted to, I was going to because I thought I should. I will not be writing anything back, and I am very happy with the knowledge that if I ever want to reply, I still can. kweyser; I agree, playing games is something I'm violently against. To be honest not replying for a while is my way of taking a step back, and making sure I will not regret anything I say. Grayclouds: you are right, a flippant or non-committal response to a bulls**t message is not going to help me in any way. Ingenue: thanks for clarifying that, it makes a lot of sense. I guess what I'm worried about in the time before I achieve that kind of peace of mind is becoming bitter, unresponsive or withdrawn. Thanks again, everyone. This NC is harder than it looks!
HeavenOrHell Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Why is it 'pathetic' that she wrote to you? Hey there, it's been over 2 weeks since she sent me an email, and just under 2 weeks since my reply, which got a lot off my chest, then ended along the lines of 'thank you for the last 4 years. Now goodbye.' So, 2 weeks of NC later I get this: "Hey...just seeing how you are. I haven't heard from you in awhile. Hope all is well." Here is where I stand: I am in NC, but I do respond when spoken to, and I will respond to this, just obviously not particularly quickly. I won't be thought of as the a**hole who ignored someone who was being civil, I won't concede one tiny bit of the moral high ground here. Also, there will always be a chance for her to earn back my trust and my respect, which may result in us being people who have contact (and maybe even friends); again, obviously when I'm over it enough to have her in my life again. This is because firstly I'm not a cold and callous person, and I won't let her and this pain turn me into one, I will always be warm, caring and forgiving (if its earned). And it's because we had an incredible connection, and it would be a shame to lose that down the line when I have healed and she has grown up. I am not over her, not by a long shot, but reading this I felt absolutely nothing. To be honest I felt quite sorry for her, as it's quite a pathetic thing to write to someone who has been with you through the four years we have had. Now before you all say it, I know the subtext of this message is bulls**t. I realise there is some attention seeking and self indulgence in here amongst many other confused and childish things. I was thinking along the lines of "Hey, I'm good thanks. Hope you're alright too." What do you all think?
counterman Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 NC is always going to be hard initially. Since you are someone who replies when spoken to, that makes it even harder. I hope you have realised that, in this context, it is not the best idea. All the best!
Author thepulse27 Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 'Why is it 'pathetic' that she wrote to you?' It's not pathetic that she wrote to me at all, it's what she wrote that I find pathetic. Sorry, I realise there was some ambiguity in my OP about this. To someone who has shared every thought in your head for four years surely you either write something real or just leave them alone, but "Hey...just seeing how you are. I haven't heard from you in awhile. Hope all is well." what does she really hope to achieve with this?
counterman Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 I would not say it's pathetic but I see why someone would. I made that mistake once. I texted my ex and, honestly, I just wanted to wish her the best and hope that things were okay. I guess I was sort of kidding myself, hoping that she would contact me back and we could talk again. I never thought after that that we could still be together. I realised soon that NC was the best way to handle it and that, by sending her what I did, it achieved absolutely nothing.
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