Fights with BF - is this "normal"?

[MissGoLightly]

For the sake of brevity, I'm leaving things out (such as what we fight about), but if anyone has questions, or feels that that information would be helpful, please ask.

 

My bf and I don't fight very often, but when we do, it's over something I think is completely ridiculous. Basically the pattern is like this:

 

I'll have a minor issue/annoyance over something that I see as small - I calmly bring it up to my bf as a question I have and would like clarification on/to discuss with him. (I am NOT an emotional person, and I'm pretty even-tempered.)

 

Bf's immediate response is get annoyed, and (IMO) completely overreact. He'll say things like "You are insane" and "Are you trying to get me to break up with you?"

 

My initial issue usually gets resolved (he'll "fix" it, if possible), at least temporarily, but I never feel that we actually discussed the issue, which is much more important to me, AND I end up feeling way worse after bringing something up with him. I then feel like I'm walking on eggshells with him, and am reluctant to bring up any problems in the future, because I know from experience how he will react.

 

I don't back down when he starts bullying me like that, and 5 seconds after we get off the phone, or I leave the room or whatever, he'll start texting/calling/coming after me to say "I don't want to fight with you" or "Sorry for fighting with you" and say how much he loves me, etc.

 

This happens maybe once every 4 or 5 months or so.

[counterman]

My ex and I argued every 2 - 3 days. It was horrible.

 

I think it is pretty normal to have fights once in a while. I would say once every 4 or 5 months is pretty good! I've never experienced anything like that, so yeah.

 

I guess how you two are resolving these issues is also important. Don't be afraid to bring up an issue in the future just because of the way he reacts. Maybe actually telling him that you want to discuss it and calmly discuss it might I add. Some might feel that discussion is unnecessary especially if the issue is a small one. Just keep your temper even and have nothing of an accusatory tone. In saying that, he does come around and tells you he doesn't want to fight and, again, this happens only every 4 or 5 months!

 

Don't overly worry about this!

[MissGoLightly]

My ex and I argued every 2 - 3 days. It was horrible.

 

I think it is pretty normal to have fights once in a while. I would say once every 4 or 5 months is pretty good! I've never experienced anything like that, so yeah.

 

I guess how you two are resolving these issues is also important. Don't be afraid to bring up an issue in the future just because of the way he reacts. Maybe actually telling him that you want to discuss it and calmly discuss it might I add. Some might feel that discussion is unnecessary especially if the issue is a small one. Just keep your temper even and have nothing of an accusatory tone. In saying that, he does come around and tells you he doesn't want to fight and, again, this happens only every 4 or 5 months!

 

Don't overly worry about this!

 

I'm not worried about how often we fight, or the fact that we fight. I'm concerned about how he overreacts.

 

I am not the one who is accusatory or anything else. To be perfectly honest, I don't think I do a damn thing wrong in these situations

[meerkat stew]

The subject of the fighting is important to whether this is normal. An ex would ask if I was "into" her and the relationship. Not a big deal if we are hanging out casually, but not at all something to bring up when a couple is out for a very expensive dinner on the man's tab and they are laughing and having fun otherwise, a rude buzzkill actually, and it would get me angry where normally it shouldn't. As if she had no appreciation for my treating to dinner or flirting with her or treating her very well as indicia of being "into" her. So context is very important in these questions.

[MissGoLightly]

The subject of the fighting is important to whether this is normal. An ex would ask if I was "into" her and the relationship. Not a big deal if we are hanging out casually, but not at all something to bring up when a couple is out for a very expensive dinner on the man's tab and they are laughing and having fun otherwise, a rude buzzkill actually, and it would get me angry where normally it shouldn't. As if she had no appreciation for my treating to dinner or flirting with her or treating her very well as indicia of being "into" her. So context is very important in these questions.

 

Okay, well first, I never ask "Do you love me" or "What do you like about me" or any annoying things like that.

 

I also never bring things up in public.

 

A couple examples of stuff we would fight about:

• A girl I've never heard of writes on his FB wall something flirtatious (along the lines of "WOW your shoulders looked amazing the other night, those push-ups really paid off ;-)"). I saw it and would simply ask "Who is Girl A?"
  
• He would mention that his ex-gf is mad at him because she called him recently to complain about what a hard time she's having, and she ended up whining at him because she thought he wasn't really interested in what she was saying, wasn't listening to her, and didn't care about her problems. My very calm statement to that revelation was something like "She's your ex-gf, I don't think it's appropriate for you to be so emotionally supportive of her." And he responds that "She's still my friend." And we're off!
  

 

Stuff like that.

 

I am VERY even-tempered and pragmatic. These things only turned into fights because of his attitude/reaction.

[meerkat stew]

No, then, it's not normal, and is likely a manipulation technique he has used in the past in response to annoying, insecure women he has dated, and has gotten so comfortable with it that he uses it when it isn't justified. His ex sounds like someone with whom such a technique would be a survival mechanism. In short, sounds like he has baggage that he is laying on you unfairly.

[MissGoLightly]

No, then, it's not normal, and is likely a manipulation technique he has used in the past in response to annoying, insecure women he has dated, and has gotten so comfortable with it that he uses it when it isn't justified. His ex sounds like someone with whom such a technique would be a survival mechanism. In short, sounds like he has baggage that he is laying on you unfairly.

That's kind of my take, or at least part of it.

 

Any tips on how to deal with that? I don't feel that I can bring that up with him, because of how he reacts when I bring things up with him.

[meerkat stew]

Any tips on how to deal with that? I don't feel that I can bring that up with him, because of how he reacts when I bring things up with him.

 

Then his manipulation technique is working like a charm on you!

 

In your shoes, the next time he shows unwarranted anger, would state calmly "You have no right to be so angry with me over this, call me when you develop some respect for me and our relationship," then go NC until he apologizes and promises to change and you believe him. Caveat, this technique usually leads to a breakup IME with women. No idea how your guy will respond.

[carhill]

This happens maybe once every 4 or 5 months or so

 

He needs to work on his communication style but the quoted text indicates to me that the frequency is quite low, comparatively. Also, perception is important. One area where my stbx and I differed was what was denoted a 'fight'. We could have a conversation where we disagreed on a particular subject, whether it be general or marital-related, and she would consider it a 'fight' where I considered it a 'discussion'. The lack of name calling and emotionally charged verbiage was the delineating factor for me.

 

You can't control how he 'fights' but can tell him how you feel. Do so and set a boundary. We did this by using a non-confrontational word or phrase like 'I'd like to take some time to think about this' to table the 'fight', with the understanding that the person who chose to table the discussion was responsible for initiating it again when comfortable. The technique worked great, but didn't resolve other incompatibilities.

 

Hope it works out for you.

[silverfish]

He needs to work on his communication style but the quoted text indicates to me that the frequency is quite low, comparatively. Also, perception is important. One area where my stbx and I differed was what was denoted a 'fight'. We could have a conversation where we disagreed on a particular subject, whether it be general or marital-related, and she would consider it a 'fight' where I considered it a 'discussion'. The lack of name calling and emotionally charged verbiage was the delineating factor for me.

 

You can't control how he 'fights' but can tell him how you feel. Do so and set a boundary. We did this by using a non-confrontational word or phrase like 'I'd like to take some time to think about this' to table the 'fight', with the understanding that the person who chose to table the discussion was responsible for initiating it again when comfortable. The technique worked great, but didn't resolve other incompatibilities.

 

Hope it works out for you.

 

Hmm I recall that whole fight / discussion semantics argument with my ex well...

 

Seriously though, I had this problem and it got to the point where I thought he had some sort of hormone surge type thing every few months (I called it male PMT...in my head obviously). It used to start off small, with me saying something I had usually built up to ask him (knowing how he 'might' react), and then go into these dramatic episodes that could go on for days, weeks even.

 

If you do end up telling him to 'come back when he's ready to talk' there is a chance he just won't - he sounds lie a sulker - does he give you the silent treatment too? A way that worked for me was to say ok then we'll talk about it on Tuesday at 11am or something like that, and then stick to it. Gives you both time to calm down...just if you do that, don't discuss it AT ALL until the time of the meeting / discussion.

[silverfish]

That's kind of my take, or at least part of it.

 

Any tips on how to deal with that? I don't feel that I can bring that up with him, because of how he reacts when I bring things up with him.

 

Does his family background give you any clues as to why he might behave like this? Maybe he has brothers or siblings that he is used to dealing with like this - possibly who are older than him? The younger siblings seem to go into 'tantrum mode' when they are pulled up on their behaviour.

[carhill]

A way that worked for me was to say ok then we'll talk about it on Tuesday at 11am or something like that, and then stick to it. Gives you both time to calm down...just if you do that, don't discuss it AT ALL until the time of the meeting / discussion.

 

Great advice. This is also what our MC suggested. He also suggested keeping the discussions/fights in the present and avoiding past subjects (e.g. what happened months/years ago). This served to keep emotions from past hurts in check by not going there.

 

Hmm I recall that whole fight / discussion semantics argument with my ex well

 

I can imagine

 

Our differences turned upon our differing understandings of disagreements and the emotional components attached thereto, markedly differing in our formative years. I was used to disagreements which didn't disrupt the household in the least. As one of our posters here often remarks, issues are discussed, opinions are heard, and resolution is found without escalation. My stbx came from a drama-filled childhood with knock-down drag-outs where the children felt fearful of mom or dad leaving as a result (and they did, getting a divorce). We just saw disagreements differently, emotionally.

 

I had this problem and it got to the point where I thought he had some sort of hormone surge type thing every few months (I called it male PMT...in my head obviously)

 

Yes, I know what that feels like, and you are right; it is a temporary insanity of sorts, which can make reasonable and reasoned thinking difficult. Part of the solution is understanding the surge of emotion. The other part is learning methods of control. It's an example where women have a clear lead, in that they deal with PMS in varying degrees since menstruation begins, whereas a man can life much of his life without any such experience and then, wham, gets hit with it. It's very unnerving, literally. Again, a circumstance where good communication skills pay off. Those were times, during and after MC, when I'd table the 'fight' because I was not in a good emotional place to resolve the differences we had. That was an important lesson for me.

 

Calling someone 'insane' in a non-humorous way simply indicates that person has a lot to learn about 'fighting' with someone they love.

[MissGoLightly]

Then his manipulation technique is working like a charm on you!

 

In your shoes, the next time he shows unwarranted anger, would state calmly "You have no right to be so angry with me over this, call me when you develop some respect for me and our relationship," then go NC until he apologizes and promises to change and you believe him. Caveat, this technique usually leads to a breakup IME with women. No idea how your guy will respond.

No kidding! I suppose part of the problem is me: Our arguments always end with me stating something similar to what you wrote above; that initiates the "I'm so sorry" crap from him, but I don't don't anything to make him NOT pull that the next time something comes up.

 

We almost had a fight a couple nights ago on the phone, and as soon as I could hear that he was starting to get upset I told him to calm down, forced myself to laugh, and said "I'm just trying to calmly talk this through with you right now."

 

That worked pretty well, but the issue in question wasn't the same type of thing that we "usually" fight about either, so that wasn't really a good control situation.

 

He needs to work on his communication style but the quoted text indicates to me that the frequency is quite low, comparatively. Also, perception is important. One area where my stbx and I differed was what was denoted a 'fight'. We could have a conversation where we disagreed on a particular subject, whether it be general or marital-related, and she would consider it a 'fight' where I considered it a 'discussion'. The lack of name calling and emotionally charged verbiage was the delineating factor for me.

 

You can't control how he 'fights' but can tell him how you feel. Do so and set a boundary. We did this by using a non-confrontational word or phrase like 'I'd like to take some time to think about this' to table the 'fight', with the understanding that the person who chose to table the discussion was responsible for initiating it again when comfortable. The technique worked great, but didn't resolve other incompatibilities.

 

Hope it works out for you.

You're right, it doesn't happen often, but that's because it's not often that I get annoyed or angry about something he did that I find inappropriate or disrespectful and want to discuss with him. Good point on perception, also.

 

I might try that technique next time, it does sound good. I'm just concerned that something like that may not work in these instances because his emotional response (at least in my perception) is not because it's a "fight" and we're disagreeing, but because either on some level he knows he screwed up and isn't mature enough to man up to it; or he's just very selfish and wants to do whatever he feels like without having to answer to me, or consider my feelings. Kind of like he's acting that way to get out of something, in which case tabling the discussion/argument wouldn't really solve the problem.

[MissGoLightly]

 

Hmm I recall that whole fight / discussion semantics argument with my ex well...

 

Seriously though, I had this problem and it got to the point where I thought he had some sort of hormone surge type thing every few months (I called it male PMT...in my head obviously). It used to start off small, with me saying something I had usually built up to ask him (knowing how he 'might' react), and then go into these dramatic episodes that could go on for days, weeks even.

 

If you do end up telling him to 'come back when he's ready to talk' there is a chance he just won't - he sounds lie a sulker - does he give you the silent treatment too? A way that worked for me was to say ok then we'll talk about it on Tuesday at 11am or something like that, and then stick to it. Gives you both time to calm down...just if you do that, don't discuss it AT ALL until the time of the meeting / discussion.

The way he flips out over what I see as a very non-confrontational statement does remind me of the way I feel every once in a while when I'm PMSing. He doesn't sulk, or drag the drama out for long, but that's also part of why this concerns (and mystifies) me. It's like flipping a switch: I made a statement, switch is flipped ON; I start to lose my temper, tell him he has no right to be so angry, etc., switch is flipped OFF and he's like a completely different person than he was 5 seconds ago. Now he's apologizing for fighting with me, etc. WHOA! It just hit me that when he does that, he's apologizing, but never over what he did wrong, and the discussion is usually pretty much over at that point. Hm. Tricky bastard?

 

Does his family background give you any clues as to why he might behave like this? Maybe he has brothers or siblings that he is used to dealing with like this - possibly who are older than him? The younger siblings seem to go into 'tantrum mode' when they are pulled up on their behaviour.

He's the oldest in his immediately family; he only has a younger sister, and he's actually very close to his family.

 

I have seen where he gets really defensive (though not argumentative the way he does with me) if any of his family or friends criticizes him in any way.

[Angel1111]

This is exactly how verbally abusive people behave. Over time, this will intensify. You need to be very careful with this guy.

[MissGoLightly]

This is exactly how verbally abusive people behave. Over time, this will intensify. You need to be very careful with this guy.

 

Can you clarify what, specifically, makes you say that?

 

Are there other signs I should watch for?

 

If this were the case, is there a way to successfully deal with these people, or is the only solution to leave them?

[Lauriebell82]

Okay, well first, I never ask "Do you love me" or "What do you like about me" or any annoying things like that.

 

I also never bring things up in public.

 

 

A couple examples of stuff we would fight about:

• A girl I've never heard of writes on his FB wall something flirtatious (along the lines of "WOW your shoulders looked amazing the other night, those push-ups really paid off ;-)"). I saw it and would simply ask "Who is Girl A?"
  
• He would mention that his ex-gf is mad at him because she called him recently to complain about what a hard time she's having, and she ended up whining at him because she thought he wasn't really interested in what she was saying, wasn't listening to her, and didn't care about her problems. My very calm statement to that revelation was something like "She's your ex-gf, I don't think it's appropriate for you to be so emotionally supportive of her." And he responds that "She's still my friend." And we're off!
  

Stuff like that.

 

I am VERY even-tempered and pragmatic. These things only turned into fights because of his attitude/reaction.

 

I think he feels you may be jealous or untrustworthy and he is perceiving your comments as such. Even if they aren't meant to be like that he is probably overly sensitive about having gal pals and how his gfs react to this. It has probably happened in the past.

 

I agree with some of the other posters who have suggested telling him how you feel about HOW you fight. Also ask him flat out if he is sensitive to the subject of his gal pals. I have to say though, 4 to 5 months is very infrequent to fight so this can definately be worked out!

[Lauriebell82]

Can you clarify what, specifically, makes you say that?

 

Are there other signs I should watch for?

 

If this were the case, is there a way to successfully deal with these people, or is the only solution to leave them?

 

Verbal abuse is name calling, severe criticism (like calling you a horrible biatch or a slut or something) and belittling you. Does he do any of that?

 

Just because he overreacts doesn't mean he is or will be verbally abusive. I overreact as does my fiance and neither of us are verbally abusive towards one another. I think he is just sensitive about the things you sometimes bring up. It is human nature to go from 0-100 very quickly when someone strikes a nerve. It just happens.

[MissGoLightly]

I think he feels you may be jealous or untrustworthy and he is perceiving your comments as such. Even if they aren't meant to be like that he is probably overly sensitive about having gal pals and how his gfs react to this. It has probably happened in the past.

 

I agree with some of the other posters who have suggested telling him how you feel about HOW you fight. Also ask him flat out if he is sensitive to the subject of his gal pals. I have to say though, 4 to 5 months is very infrequent to fight so this can definately be worked out!

I think you're right; but that doesn't change the fact that he does have to explain something to me, if I ask. If I'm not automatically screaming at him about how he's cheating on me, or thinks another girl is hot or other accusations or something, then I don't deserve the extreme reaction I get from him when I bring these topics up. Asking him to explain an extremely flirtatious comment (IMO) is completely normal, acceptable behavior. Thinking that his ex is an EX, and therefore has no right to come to my bf for emotional support over life's happenings that WE ALL have to deal with is inappropriate, and stating as much does not make me a crazy jealous psycho who deserves to be flipped out on.

 

Girl friends I don't have a problem with, and have never given him **** over. Ex-girlfriends can be problematic, as can random female acquaintances who disrespect me/our relationship.

 

Anyways, he doesn't respond well to my attempts at discussing HOW he reacts - he'll actually start giving me a lot of bs along the lines you mentioned (no offense) - that me simply asking him who a particular girl is (once in all the years I've known him) means that I'm psychotically jealous and insecure, that I'm being crazy, that he doesn't have to explain his actions to me when I act like that, etc. because he loves me and hasn't done anything wrong. (Again, totally overreacting to the situation, I think.)

 

I agree that if this was something that happened all the time I could understand some impatience and/or anger on his part. But it doesn't happen all the time. Perhaps one could argue that since things are generally good I'm overreacting by questioning something he does or allows to happen?

 

Verbal abuse is name calling, severe criticism (like calling you a horrible biatch or a slut or something) and belittling you. Does he do any of that?

 

Just because he overreacts doesn't mean he is or will be verbally abusive. I overreact as does my fiance and neither of us are verbally abusive towards one another. I think he is just sensitive about the things you sometimes bring up. It is human nature to go from 0-100 very quickly when someone strikes a nerve. It just happens.

He doesn't call me names, other that saying I'm crazy or insane. Belittling? Probably...he's very condescending sometimes.

 

I have never gone from 0-100 (or even 0-60) and actually acted on it by yelling, overreacting, etc., so maybe I just don't understand such a volatile temper? It's possible. Like I said, I've very even-tempered and pragmatic, and nothing really gets resolved when exploding tempers are involved. When I experience anger, it's usually slow and cold, not quick and hot.

 

You mention "striking a nerve". Well if the nerve is guilt because he knows he did something disrespectful, inappropriate, or questionable, that's even less reason to react the way he does. If the nerve is immaturity and selfishness, I guess I can understand his discomfort at me wanting to discuss something.

 

Again, you may be completely correct about all this, but I guess I just can't relate to that kind of reaction/temper.

[MissGoLightly]

Also ask him flat out if he is sensitive to the subject of his gal pals.

 

Sorry, I just caught this part. I actually do know there was one specific gf (although there may have been others in the past) who was like that; she just had a problem over every girl he ever came in contact with, was super jealous, picked fights all the time, etc. I thought we talked about it, but apparently all he got out of the conversation was that I don't want to be perceived as anything like that girl, and now when we fight he starts calling me by her name, sarcastically, or says "You're acting just like XXXXX".

 

It makes me want to say "If this is how you acted with her also I have to say I think I'd like to hear her side of things, because I'm beginning to think you were the jackass in that relationship." And so on, but of course I don't because that wouldn't be conducive of a productive conversation. I really hate bickering.

[Angel1111]

Can you clarify what, specifically, makes you say that?

 

Are there other signs I should watch for?

 

If this were the case, is there a way to successfully deal with these people, or is the only solution to leave them?

 

Abusive people do not change. When I get a chance to come back here and write in more detail, I'll clarify what I was talking about. But you can also google 'verbally abusive personality' or something like that and see if he fits the description. Your bf may or may not be verbally abusive, but normal people don't stonewall people the way he does with you. To me, it looks like the beginnings of big trouble.

[Lauriebell82]

I think you're right; but that doesn't change the fact that he does have to explain something to me, if I ask. If I'm not automatically screaming at him about how he's cheating on me, or thinks another girl is hot or other accusations or something, then I don't deserve the extreme reaction I get from him when I bring these topics up. Asking him to explain an extremely flirtatious comment (IMO) is completely normal, acceptable behavior. Thinking that his ex is an EX, and therefore has no right to come to my bf for emotional support over life's happenings that WE ALL have to deal with is inappropriate, and stating as much does not make me a crazy jealous psycho who deserves to be flipped out on.

 

Girl friends I don't have a problem with, and have never given him **** over. Ex-girlfriends can be problematic, as can random female acquaintances who disrespect me/our relationship.

 

Anyways, he doesn't respond well to my attempts at discussing HOW he reacts - he'll actually start giving me a lot of bs along the lines you mentioned (no offense) - that me simply asking him who a particular girl is (once in all the years I've known him) means that I'm psychotically jealous and insecure, that I'm being crazy, that he doesn't have to explain his actions to me when I act like that, etc. because he loves me and hasn't done anything wrong. (Again, totally overreacting to the situation, I think.)

 

I agree that if this was something that happened all the time I could understand some impatience and/or anger on his part. But it doesn't happen all the time. Perhaps one could argue that since things are generally good I'm overreacting by questioning something he does or allows to happen?

 

 

He doesn't call me names, other that saying I'm crazy or insane. Belittling? Probably...he's very condescending sometimes.

 

I have never gone from 0-100 (or even 0-60) and actually acted on it by yelling, overreacting, etc., so maybe I just don't understand such a volatile temper? It's possible. Like I said, I've very even-tempered and pragmatic, and nothing really gets resolved when exploding tempers are involved. When I experience anger, it's usually slow and cold, not quick and hot.

 

You mention "striking a nerve". Well if the nerve is guilt because he knows he did something disrespectful, inappropriate, or questionable, that's even less reason to react the way he does. If the nerve is immaturity and selfishness, I guess I can understand his discomfort at me wanting to discuss something.

 

Again, you may be completely correct about all this, but I guess I just can't relate to that kind of reaction/temper.

 

Yes, but he perceives your comments as jealous and "crazy" because he feels you don't trust him. Based on your comments it doesn't sound like you do honestly! If you did trust him you wouldn't ask him about his ex or some girl's comment.

 

He probably views his ex and this other girl as "gal pals" even if you don't. And he can't understand why you don't see that. I'm not saying you are wrong and he is right but he's angry because you don't trust him and keep accusing him of cheating (which you are!) If my fiance was constanly asking me about my guy friends and why they were always calling me or texting me I'd get pissed off too! One time he jokingly made a comment about a male coworker of mine who was 47 years old and married! I told him that it hurt me and that he should trust me enough to not even need to joke about it. He agreed, say my point of view, and never did it again because he trusts me.

 

He talks about his girl coworkers and girls leave him messages on facebook. I don't get upset because I know he would never do anything to betray me. Youdon't feel that way about your boyfriend though and he knows it. That's why he is upset and mad. He is probably overreacting also because you KEEP DOING IT! He can't understand why!

[MissGoLightly]

I don't think you really understand the situation. In fact, it sounds to me like you're blowing it out of proportion close to a degree that my boyfriend does.

 

Yes, but he perceives your comments as jealous and "crazy" because he feels you don't trust him. Based on your comments it doesn't sound like you do honestly! If you did trust him you wouldn't ask him about his ex or some girl's comment.

I don't see either of the two situations I mentioned earlier as trust issues, I see them more as a matter of respect. Since you seem to be like my bf, and he seems incapable of discussing matters calmly to me, maybe you can explain this to me, from your point of view.

 

Situation #1: The flirtatious FB comment. This is how I see the situation:

My bf and I have been dating for quite some time, and I know all of his girl friends, they know me, etc. They respect me, and they respect my bf's relationship with me.

 

One day I log onto FB and see an overtly flirtatious comment from a girl I don't know, have never met, never heard of - publicly flirting with my bf in that manner is, IMO, disrespectful toward me. Naturally I am curious as to who this woman is, and to what she is referring - perhaps this is an inside joke of some sort between old college friends or something, and I'm wrong to think that she's being blatantly disrespectful.

 

Rather than flipping out on my bf, making accusations, etc., I just ask him who she is - I am simply on a fact-finding mission to clarify a situation that I am uncomfortable with. IMO, that is perfectly reasonable. Can you explain to me why or how that is not reasonable, and the logical reaction is anger, fighting, rudeness, name calling (crazy), etc.?

 

Situation #2. I never asked him about his ex; he is the one who brought her up. So how, exactly, does that translate to him thinking or feeling as though I don't trust him?

 

He probably views his ex and this other girl as "gal pals" even if you don't. And he can't understand why you don't see that.

Well I've already explained that if the other woman were an actual friend (or even an acquaintance he has contact with), I would've either heard of her or met her before. If you're interested, I could tell you who she ended up being and what she was doing, and I would actually be very curious if knowing that changed your opinion of the situation.

 

As far as the ex, I'm sure you're correct, but that doesn't change the fact that there is a difference between being friends/friendly, and acting like he's still her bf, which is exactly what she was doing, and I think he needed to set a boundary with her, rather than complaining to me about it. I'm more like a stereotypical male, in that, when someone complains, I see it as a problem to be solved, and as he was complaining to me, I offered a solution.

 

I'm not saying you are wrong and he is right but he's angry because you don't trust him and keep accusing him of cheating (which you are!)

Please explain this statement, because I fail to see how the two examples I gave implies that I don't trust him, and translates to an accusation of cheating and betrayal. This does seem to be the attitude he takes, so I look forward to your explanation.

 

If my fiance was constanly asking me about my guy friends and why they were always calling me or texting me I'd get pissed off too!

I agree that this type of behavior would cause me to feel impatient as well. But I only asked my bf once who a girl was (in over two years); and I have never asked him about who calls/texts him, or who he calls/texts/emails/chats with. So "constantly" doesn't really apply to my situation, nor do the examples you gave (IMO).

 

One time he jokingly made a comment about a male coworker of mine who was 47 years old and married! I told him that it hurt me and that he should trust me enough to not even need to joke about it. He agreed, say my point of view, and never did it again because he trusts me.

That's great; I'm glad you and your fiance were able to discuss that situation and get it resolved.

 

He talks about his girl coworkers and girls leave him messages on facebook. I don't get upset because I know he would never do anything to betray me.

My bf also talks to many female coworkers, girl friends, etc. on FB, through email and chat, on the phone...it doesn't bother me, and I've never asked him about it, or snooped through his computer/phone, etc.

 

Youdon't feel that way about your boyfriend though and he knows it. That's why he is upset and mad. He is probably overreacting also because you KEEP DOING IT! He can't understand why!

Please explain how I "keep doing it". Every time I take issue with something, and attempt to talk to him about it, I see it as a new and separate issue.

[Minnie09]

Oh, Miss GoLightly,

 

I can so relate to your case! It's almost like my H and your BF are brothers.

Same thing here. A little discussion about a little detail always blows up into a huge argument, which leads HIM to the question why I am even with him, if I have such a low opinion about him. WTF. If, and I say IF, he decides to apologize because he overreacted, it is only to make me "move on" and forget the whole incident, and not because he really feels sorry. Can you relate?

There's one difference between you and me: our fights are more frequent, most of all because I don't want to shut up anymore. I feel I am entitled to an opinion and I told him so. Period.

 

My conclusion is: most of the things I want to discuss are things that he feels I am right about, even though he won't admit it, thus feels inferior or/and threatened and, as a consequence, gets defensive and "threatens" me back by questioning our whole relationship. E.g.: "Why are you even with me, if.......?"

He doesn't get the point that you can discuss things in a relationship without questioning the whole M altogether. It's ridiculous and it's a sign of insecurity, IMO. What usually goes with it (at least in our case), are double standards (i.e. he can have opposite sex friends, I can't; he can spend the night in another city with friends, I can't,..... the list is pretty much endless). I am not quite sure though, whether he applies them consciously in order to manipulate, or if he really THINKS he is right and I am wrong (I don't know which would be worse.....).

Very strange behavior.

 

I think your BF will get worse as time goes on. So has my H.

I bought the book that Angel has recommended in several threads about "angry' men and how they are actually abusive (sorry, don't remember the title, maybe Angel can help), and I am going to start reading it ASAP. I think what they do is kind of abusive.

[MissGoLightly]

Thanks for sharing that Minnie, some things you wrote do strike a chord with me. I hope you are able to work things out to your satisfaction I know from experience that it is difficult to deal with. I especially hate the "Are you trying to get me to break up with you?" because (to me) it just screams "manipulation tactic". Like he's trying to get out of the situation by turning it around and making me validate my feelings for him instead.

 

I don't think my bf is insecure; at least I can't think of any examples that would support that claim.

 

Same with the double standards; although to be honest that could just be because he hasn't had an opportunity to practice such nonsense. I don't really have any guy friends or anything.

 

The only possible exception(s) are things such as:

1. I grew up in one state, went to college in the same state, then moved quite a distance away to the state my bf lives in after graduation. As such, my only communication with any guys I was friends or friendly with during high school and college is limited to public comments on FB (usually in regards to politics, books, or something else completely harmless), and possibly the very occasional text message or email (pretty much never). When I see my girl friends, I don't make any effort to meet up with any of those guys either. However, since this is the case, my bf hasn't met any of these guys either (and they really aren't in my life anymore).

 

However, I recently had a FB status asking for book recommendations; one guy suggested one I'd read, so we exchanged a couple of (public) comments back and forth, simply discussing books.

 

I also recently had a (public) comment exchange with another guy friend about politics; he made a joke and I "LOLed" it, and that was the end of it.

 

When bf and I had our most recent "argument" and he was flipping out on me, he brought these two things up, which (to me) sounded like he was jealous or insecure about it (I forget exactly what he said, but one thing was something like "Go talk to XXXX since he's sooooooo funny"). On the other hand, maybe he was trying to do a "tit for tat" kind of thing; as in, it's not really an issue for him, but he was trying to come up with something on me also.

 

2. There's another guy I went to college with and had several classes with. I think he and I hung out with a group of mutual friends maybe twice ever, outside of class, and this was before I even met my bf. This guy occasionally will comment on one of my pictures, or write on my FB wall in a friendly, but not flirtatious way (Hey what's up kind of stuff). Somehow my bf got it into his head that this guy is interested in me, and/or that we used to date, and will occasionally make comments about it. I have always taken these comments as joking.

 

Now I'm not sure what to make of all this though. He has never come to me and said that he had an issue about anything, or had something he wanted to discuss, or been angry over anything.