New Again Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 I am so tired of hearing some version of "I shouldn't have to explain myself, I didn't do anything wrong" out of the mouths of men I date. Were people always this SELFISH or is it a new thing? I'm wondering if other people hear this frequently, and if so, how old are you/your partner, and over what kinds of issues do you (or have you) heard this? And any advice on how to handle this?
counterman Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Yes! It is annoying and completely frustrating! My ex-girlfriend would say that sometimes and then she would be stubborn and get really aggressive at me. I had issues with her not respecting our relationship when other guys were around her. She would flirt with them and I was not comfortable with that. So, I asked her why she didn't tell them that she was committed to me and our relationship. She pulls out ONE example of when she did tell someone she was with me and then added that she shouldn't have to tell me, she shouldn't have to explain herself. Basically, what it means when she said that is that I should have trusted her, no matter what the circumstance is. Thing is, my trust wobbles a bit because it is so suspicious and just wrong. A simple explanation never hurts. And, it is really immature that she would get really angry, and fold her arms and just attack at anything else I say afterwards. I would try to speak softly with her and be gentle and she will still be mad. I tried arguing back then it turns into a greater argument. I guess next time, if there is one, where this saying comes out, I will just go for what I have on mind and say whatever.
clueless haha Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 i ALWAYS heard that from my ex!! but then again, i had become the jealous type when i was with her..
meerkat stew Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Yeah, it's one of those weasel phrases that mark a person of questionable character, a formulaic method for avoiding and shifting blame. People who need to say that kind of thing lots pick it up eventually from seeing it used by other shifty types and add it to their arsenal. People who are straightforward on the level types rarely use it. It's a minor red flag to hear it, minor because people pick up phrases and add them into their conversation without truly realizing what it says about them. I imagine it's the kind of thing a serial killer says when the cops find 20 bodies in the basement .
Crazy Magnet Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 The only man who ever tried to use that on me was my exH. But he most certainly DID need to explain that bank account with another woman!! And those credit cards which magically appeared in my name...and that adult friend finder account....and that email from a "friend" which was quite explicit....ah yes.....IMO the very ones who need to explain exactly what in the hell is going on are the ones who use that phrase! I never heard it before him or after him.
Jersey Shortie Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 I've heard these kind of similar comments from many men I've dated. Or "trust me", even when it turns out they are lying to you because they think they should be able to.
sunrae Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 IMO.... If you have nothing to hide, then you have no problem explaining.. My exhusband tried to pull that a few times, come to find out he had a girlfriend on the side.... If I'm in a relationship, I have nothing to hide, ask me anything and I will tell you..
Simon Attwood Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 We shouldn't have to explain ourselves, neither man nor woman. How often is this need to explain ourselves really just the other person's need to ease their doubt, uncertainty and fears because of their insecurities? Shouldn't they, instead, be required to face the root of their insecurities? And how often does the explanation really just end up being another weapon to bash someone with? Is asking for an explanation really just a ruse in order to gather more weaponry? Isn't it really just a jostling for power/control thing? And doesn't, jostling for power, only ever become a destructive struggle that deconstructs love? Love cannot live where fear resides.
meerkat stew Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 We shouldn't have to explain ourselves, neither man nor woman. Really? My GF claims to be out to a 10PM dinner with geriatric relatives, doesn't call that night, and uses the "explain myself" line on me and ended up was cheating on me that night. Another one claims that she shouldn't have to explain the 15 FB pics she has arm in arm with a coworker, some of which are suggestive, when she didn't call after the night the pics were taken. She was cheating. Not going to go on and on, but could list dozens. Similar to Crazy Magnet's experience. It's not that we should always be beholden to explain every little thing, but that people who use that particular line usually do have some serious "splainin to do."
donnamaybe Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 We shouldn't have to explain ourselves, neither man nor woman. I've said this before: I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't feel they have a right to some reasonable expectations of those who claim to care about them.
mem11363 Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 This is not a talking situation. This is a walking situation. You are out - she is flirting in front of you - you leave and go NC. If she begs for forgiveness and promises it won't happen again - then you give her another shot. Otherwise move on. A woman or man for that matter acts like that in front of their committed partner - it will only get worse over time. Yes! It is annoying and completely frustrating! My ex-girlfriend would say that sometimes and then she would be stubborn and get really aggressive at me. I had issues with her not respecting our relationship when other guys were around her. She would flirt with them and I was not comfortable with that. So, I asked her why she didn't tell them that she was committed to me and our relationship. She pulls out ONE example of when she did tell someone she was with me and then added that she shouldn't have to tell me, she shouldn't have to explain herself. Basically, what it means when she said that is that I should have trusted her, no matter what the circumstance is. Thing is, my trust wobbles a bit because it is so suspicious and just wrong. A simple explanation never hurts. And, it is really immature that she would get really angry, and fold her arms and just attack at anything else I say afterwards. I would try to speak softly with her and be gentle and she will still be mad. I tried arguing back then it turns into a greater argument. I guess next time, if there is one, where this saying comes out, I will just go for what I have on mind and say whatever.
Trialbyfire Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 To offset this type of phrase, you can say: Using sarcasm - No, you're right, I can read your mind. (Unconstructive within the confines of communication. One partner needs to stand down, rather than keep shooting from the hip, so hostilities can cease.) Using a more aggressive methodology - Yes, you do have to explain yourself since your actions are causing me to lose trust in you. If you explained your actions, perhaps the two of us can begin to understand each other a bit better, so there's a higher level of trust going forwards. (Finger-pointing and blame shifting. Unconstructive.) Using a non-attack methodology - Right now, I don't feel good about the situation and your explanation might help to alleviate my concerns. (Recommended.)
robaday Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 It depends in what context. If my girlfriend asks me if I can meet her for the evening and I say no I'm busy, she then asks me what I'm doing- I say "I'm working until midnight so wouldn't be able to make it, I'm free tomorrow and all day sunday" she then says: "but some of my old friends are over couldn't you come out for just a bit?" I say, "no, I have to get this work done, it is a good opportunity for me" she says "well i think its a shame you cannot meet them it will have to be another time, why can't you come out later?". "Because I have already worked ten hours, I have another four hours to do and then I need to get some sleep" "Not just for one?" Basically to me, in the above, the issue SHOULD have been cleared up after the first time I said I was busy-perhaps even an explanation of what I was doing. But to keep on questioning is annoying-to me, if I am busy, I am busy and there's nothing that can be done about it. It makes me feel defensive even though I am doing nothing wrong-I've made no plans with her, had said I couldn't make it earlier in the week....and after the ten questions she's just even more pissed off because to her I do not have a good enough reason/excuse.
counterman Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 This is not a talking situation. This is a walking situation. You are out - she is flirting in front of you - you leave and go NC. If she begs for forgiveness and promises it won't happen again - then you give her another shot. Otherwise move on. A woman or man for that matter acts like that in front of their committed partner - it will only get worse over time. You are right. We broke up a while ago but I should have ended it long before that. Thing is, she says she was not flirting but I saw otherwise. She was laughing and teasing with them and, to be honest, she was never into me like that. It was a mistake but I'll learn from it! I like the non-attack methodology suggested by trialbyfire!
FryFish Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 I love using that line... in very specific contexts... Context 1: I have pretty awesome hair. I gave myself a dr phill haircut once and went to pick up my ex. After getting a very disturbed look from I replied with "I dont think I should have to explain myself". Context 2: I am out with a girl and we run into a sister in law and before any words are spoken a hug happens... I feel I have to explain myself.
Author New Again Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 To offset this type of phrase, you can say: Using sarcasm - No, you're right, I can read your mind. (Unconstructive within the confines of communication. One partner needs to stand down, rather than keep shooting from the hip, so hostilities can cease.) Using a more aggressive methodology - Yes, you do have to explain yourself since your actions are causing me to lose trust in you. If you explained your actions, perhaps the two of us can begin to understand each other a bit better, so there's a higher level of trust going forwards. (Finger-pointing and blame shifting. Unconstructive.) Using a non-attack methodology - Right now, I don't feel good about the situation and your explanation might help to alleviate my concerns. (Recommended.) So it's not just me Unfortunately, I usually pick option B...my temper gets the better of me. Ah well....not gonna deal with it!
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