Yaneko Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 (edited) Hi all. Kind of a lurker here... I've been visiting a long time and decided to finally register. Anyway to summarize! The guy I am dating and me are both 21 and I've been dating him almost a year. I'd say we're both pretty damn happy together but I'm coming to a problem.... I just moved in with him and I'm scared he's losing attraction to me. I am his first GF so I try to keep that in mind. I am just going to get down to the point... Sex has been happening less and less. I always initiate it. Now I am living with him and it isn't happening at all. I'm scared he is so comfortable around me now that it's just not an urge anymore. We get along great... but the physical part of the relationship just does not seem important to him. Have any of you guys come across this? He says he loves me but I do not get back the physical attention that I give him. I feel like we're turning into this old married couple that never have sex. I'd like to think I am alright looking for a girl my age... I try not to blame myself for this. At the same time I have to keep in mind I am the first girl he's ever been with. Should I be worried about this? I want to talk to him about it but I'm afraid of what he'll think. It's kind of an awkward topic to bring up. Edited February 3, 2010 by Yaneko
counterman Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Welcome to LS! With your situation, I usually find it is the other way around. It does remind me of a married couple where the husband wants sex and the wife is just not too keen. Though, I am sure it would not be as extreme as it could be with an old married couple that don't have sex anymore! You have needs and wants, some of them sexual. We all do. It is normal and it is a part of relationships. If you are not finding something satisfying in the relationship and you feel that it is bothering you, then it is an issue that must be addressed. It did surprise me when you said that you always initiate it. Does he seem reluctant when you do? Anyways, it is not you, so never ever blame yourself. Even though it might be awkward, talk to him about it. Ask him what you have been noticing, tell him how it makes you feel and listen to what he says. In my opinion, if I was attracted to a girl, I would initiate some physical interactions as well as let her start sometimes too. It's give and take. Maybe he is getting complacent, who knows. Maybe he's scared to push for to much, but I doubt it since he isn't even initiating at all! Just talk to him! You want to know what he thinks or else it's just going to eat away at you and you won't be satisfied. Best of luck!
Author Yaneko Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 Thanks counterman! That is some damn good advice. It's good to hear another persons opinion on the matter. I just need to work up the courage now to talk about it with him I guess... without somehow blowing up and whining "Why do we never have SEX!!" Lol. Maybe it's a possibility he isn't losing attraction to me, maybe he just has a lower sex drive? It still seems weird for two people our age though.
meerkat stew Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Going to sound like a preacher here, try not to take it that way. Weed, blow, booze, cigs and any other illicit drugs can be extremely bad for libido in many men, especially if they are mildly allergic to any of them. Casual use can even cause impotence in men sensitive to the substance, So there's that. Online pursuits, porn, gaming, gambling, can be bad for a man's libido. So there's that. Stress can be very bad for libido, school, work, family pressures, so there's that. Depression can be very bad for libido. Certain medical conditions can be very bad for libido, high blood pressure, diabetes, low testosterone. Finally, environmental factors, diet, chemical exposure at work or anywhere can be bad for libido. If you can rule out all these, you have to consider whether another woman might be in the picture, or something about you is turning him off. Incidentally, how much sex were you having before v now?
temple Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Hey welcome to LS. Some people just have higher sex drives than others. It's easy to blame yourself but really, you should speak to him about this. How does he react when you initiate sex? I know that many men like the feeling of having a woman initiate as it makes them feel desirable, perhaps you need to tell him that you'd prefer it on more equal grounding.
lordWilhelm Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 (edited) You mentioned this happening after moving in. Do you think it's the moving in that has diminished his drive? Maybe it's as simple as freshening things up a bit -- going to a nice restaurant, or wearing something a little sexier not your PJs... But if you're not happy with things, you should definitely talk to him. Edited February 3, 2010 by lordWilhelm
Author Yaneko Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 Going to sound like a preacher here, try not to take it that way. Weed, blow, booze, cigs and any other illicit drugs can be extremely bad for libido in many men, especially if they are mildly allergic to any of them. Casual use can even cause impotence in men sensitive to the substance, So there's that. I actually did not even think of that. Weed and cigs are definitely something we use. Hmmm I didn't know stuff like that could affect libido! I use both of those as well but it doesn't seem to affect how much I crave sex. temple - I think you are right. I think he is just used to me initiating it. I really do wish it was on equal grounds here, but I don't know how to say it. It is quite a strange difference when I am used to dating more aggressive guys in my past. and lordWhilhelm I think you pretty much hit the spot there. Maybe I just need to try a bit harder. Sexy is not something I have a lot of experience in. I think I'm a fairly alright looking girl, I guess I just don't know how to work it. I need to figure that one out. I guess my best bet is to just try a bit harder and eventually try to communicate with him about this. I wish I knew of a nice way of bringing it up that doesn't involve saying "Hey that condom box is starting to collect dust on it."
D-Lish Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 You should tell him how you feel- if you don't, this problem will eat away at you and you'll end up boarding the resentment train. He might just have low testosterone, or he may just be a passive guy, regardless, get this sorted out. I dated a guy with a really low sex drive- it drove me insane, but he was like that from the beginning.
Author Yaneko Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 You should tell him how you feel- if you don't, this problem will eat away at you and you'll end up boarding the resentment train. He might just have low testosterone, or he may just be a passive guy, regardless, get this sorted out. I dated a guy with a really low sex drive- it drove me insane, but he was like that from the beginning. Communication actually did a world of good. It took me a couple days after posting this to actually work up the courage to talk to him about it. He reassured me on everything. Turns out he's just been really burnt out from work. I don't feel as insecure now because of it. That conversation led to other things too... like sex stuff. Likes and dislikes... all that stuff. Since we never really talk much about that. Damn it felt good to open up to him!
meerkat stew Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Communication actually did a world of good. That is very nice to hear. Congratulations!
calizaggy Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 (edited) Just tired of sleeping with you.. Nothing wrong with him physically. The more you try the less he will want.. Some men also want to be the pursuer. Find him some strange and watch his sex drive sky rocket. Edited February 5, 2010 by calizaggy
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