Perfect relationship, 5 months, just got dumped.

[Fay]

I met him over the Internet about six months ago. We clicked instantly, and although for curiosity's sake we each went on one date with another person after our first date with each other, by our second date we knew we wanted to be exclusive.

 

Jake was wonderful. He's a professor at a nearby college, brilliant, stimulating, witty, fun, SO attractive, thoughtful, chivalrous and faithful. Sexually and romantically innocent - barely touched. Somehow, however, has an unusually large penis!.. the model boyfriend, the likes of which I never believed could exist. I was in seventh heaven thinking I'd finally found THE one I'd been waiting for.

 

One day two months down the line he pushed and pushed me to tell him my deepest, darkest secrets, which I'd already told him were best left unsaid. He pushed hard enough that I confessed about my legal troubles (including bench warrants), my two failed marriages (one of which included domestic violence), and my kid whom I haven't been allowed to see in two years.

 

WELL! Right then and there he shut off and started talking about how this all scared him, and how he'll be taking off in the fall and might or might not want to take me along. Fantastic. I've been a model girlfriend and this is what I get for opening up. WORD TO THE WISE, LADIES! HONESTY IS NOT ALWAYS THE BEST POLICY AND SOME THINGS ARE BETTER LEFT UNSAID! For example, does your man need to know you bit your toenails throughout high school?!

 

This creates a rift between us which we try to patch up - oh, I sure tried, treating him like a king every step of the way - but, of course, after four months of being together I start dropping subtle hints about the future. He's not stupid and repeats that he might be going it alone when he hits school again. This is New Year's Eve and he says it in the most hurtful manner. I say something along the lines of, "I'm sincere with you because I trust you, because I see you as my partner! Don't you see me as your partner?" To which he responds, "No, honestly, I don't!" The blowout starts there. He apologizes profusely for that horrid statement for a while, but the damage has been done.

 

Friction has been incessant ever since. I'm bitter and hurt and resentful, and he's exasperated that I'm bitter.

 

Something happened yesterday. I can't even remember what. I certainly did not wrong him in any way. He'd told me his reluctance to commit may be due to the fact that he hasn't had enough experience and opportunity to sow his wild oats, and I happily offered him dates with attractive acquaintances of mine! In my mind, the sooner he gets it out of his system, the sooner we can be together happily (or know for sure we can't be). No, he says. It's uncomfortable. He can't bring himself to do it. Then he basically tells me he can't be with me anymore - no way, no how, and he won't budge. I'm ashamed to admit I begged, condemned and tried to reason for hours, but he was adamant as always. He sticks to his guns on principle no matter how jammed they are, no matter how beautiful our love has been.

 

Why, just last week, he looked me straight in the eye and told me, "Fay, I am SO in love with you. I love you so much! You are the best thing that ever happened to me!" Ten days later, he's telling me he "loves me, but less than he used to." TEN DAYS?! What a jackass! What kind of a fickle lover did I end up with?? Our love was so pure, perfect, idyllic for months... then two days of fighting made it magically disappear! What the heck is wrong with this guy?! I love him so much and always have!! Please tell me how to win him back! I saw myself spending the rest of my life with him...

 

It's important that you know he confessed to me that I am his first love. I am so confused.

Edited February 3, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[temple]

Well, firstly, honesty is always the best policy. I don't agree with hiding anything from your partner, it will only end in resentment.

 

I think you need to understand that what you told him probably was quite a shock and definitely needed to be said. It's important for your partner to know these things - your marriages, your child - early on in the relationship - it's not at all like 'biting your toenails in college' as you suggest. He couldn't deal with your past, and now he's moving on, just as you are. Whether you told him 5 days, 5 months, 5 years on, you would have had a similar reaction. And surely it's better you both realised this wouldn't work now, rather than 5 years down the line?

[Chicago_Guy]

Are you implying that you waited two months to tell this guy that you have already been divorced twice, have outstanding warrants against you, and have a restraining order preventing you from coming into contact with your own child? That's probably way too much baggage for most 26-year-old men to handle.

[TheLoneSock]

Are you implying that you waited two months to tell this guy that you have already been divorced twice, have outstanding warrants against you, and have a restraining order preventing you from coming into contact with your own child? That's probably way too much baggage for most 26-year-old men to handle.

 

Exactly. And my guess is that it was later than 2 months into it, considering they've been together for 5 months and he was telling her he loved her so recently. That's almost half a year before divulging such critical, RED FLAG information. IMO, he reacted very maturely; instead of just cutting her off he asked her to be understanding and give him time. Now she's freaking out on an online message board telling women who read it not to be truthful to their partners.

 

OP, if you love someone, let them go - if they return then they were never gone, if not, then they were never yours to begin with. Let him digest this VITAL information and decide what to do with the relationship.

 

Also, it was very immature and tacky of you to reveal his identity on here. "He deserves no anonymity"... whatever, you deserve to be all alone with that attitude. I can see why you have the history that you do.

[betamanlet]

Exactly. And my guess is that it was later than 2 months into it, considering they've been together for 5 months and he was telling her he loved her so recently. That's almost half a year before divulging such critical, RED FLAG information. IMO, he reacted very maturely; instead of just cutting her off he asked her to be understanding and give him time. Now she's freaking out on an online message board telling women who read it not to be truthful to their partners.

 

OP, if you love someone, let them go - if they return then they were never gone, if not, then they were never yours to begin with. Let him digest this VITAL information and decide what to do with the relationship.

 

Also, it was very immature and tacky of you to reveal his identity on here. "He deserves no anonymity"... whatever, you deserve to be all alone with that attitude. I can see why you have the history that you do.

 

 

And apparently I'm the one who deserves to be alone, yet I lack the criminal record, nor am I dishonest, nor do I reveal people's personal information.

[littlebittle]

i understand how upsetting this is, but you have to try to look at this situation objectively. you guys started having serious issues two months into the relationship; that's not exactly a "perfect, idyllic" situation. and these issues apparently continued, with him stating that he didn't want to be your partner a month ago. you've only been together a short time, and if these are the kinds of persistent problems you're already having, i honestly don't think a longterm relationship is in the cards. maybe i'm wrong, but it does sound like the two of you have very different ideas of what this relationship is and where it's going. i understand that you want to be with him. but unfortunately, if he was doubting this relationship a month ago, he has probably moved on at this point.

 

you deserve to be with someone who will accept you completely. if there isn't trust, respect, understanding, and acceptance, there can't be a healthy relationship. that goes both ways. you might not be proud of your past, but in the future, you need to remember that honesty is the best policy.

[Crazy Magnet]

That was quite a bit of deep dark secret that you dropped on him so far into a relationship. It appears as though he thought he was getting one thing, and ended up with another. I tend to blurt out any skeletons in my closet as soon as I see things heading in a serious direction rather than try to wait until the person is very emotionally invested in me. It's only fair.

 

It does sound as though he had doubted this relationship for a significant period, and five months is not that long in the grand scheme of relationships. I think he made the best choice for his own life at this time. It stinks that you have to be on the receiving end.

[Jersey Shortie]

Umm, how old does a man have to be to accept the realities of life? 26 seems plenty old enough if you ask me.

 

I digress.

 

Fay, no offense but you're living in LaLa land. You placed him on too high a pedestal too quickly and expected too much from him too soon. Not because he is *only* 26, but because you are really just in the early staged of a relationship. If a man placed all that preasure on me quickly, I would be turned off too.

 

You gave him all the power because you made yourself the one begging for his affections. When he said to you that he may or may not want to take you along, you should have just said "If you don't know, then you need to take time to figure it out. In the meantime, I can't see you anymore". Is that tough? Yeah. But you don't get anything by sticking around a man that is wishy washy. If he doesn't come after you, you didn't want you to begin with. It hurts but at least you aren't following him around like a lap dog.

 

Honesty is great, but there is no need to present everything to a man so quickly. Do you think men are so foward right away either? You give someone a chance to get to know you and yuor good points before you start talking about the bad. And we all have bad points. Everyone of us.

 

You treated him like a king but you didn't make him work for it a bit. You made it too easy. You even offered your "attractive acquaintances", that's weird!

 

In a nut shell, he is telling you what he really wants. And sadly, right now, it's not you. You need to be strong and cut off your ties with him and let it play out how it's going to play out. He isn't the only man out there. There might be less perfect men out there but then, none of us are perfect right?

 

And no, it's not important that he "confessed" he loved you. What is important are his actions. Which aren't much in your favor right now.

[DustySaltus]

DEEP. DARK. SECRETS. are NEVER positive.

 

He asked the question. He got an answer. No one is perfect. The key to any healthy relationship is accepting an imperfect person perfectly. Your past is your past, but the person he fell "in love" with is the person you are at present. The focus should be on that. However at 26, it might be too much for him to process. His comment of "sowing his oats" is nonsense. It's just another way of him saying he wants out. It sucks and it's a cop out...but it's the truth.

 

I've had relationships where girls have asked me this question and the relationships never lasted. The ones who didn't care and were just focused on the present lasted the longest. A combination of trust issues, jealousy and throwing past issues back in my face (when I thought I was just being as honest as possible) ruined potentially great relationships.

 

You need to take a step back and let him go. Don't initiate contact with him for a while, let him come back to you. Good luck.

[DustySaltus]

.You treated him like a king but you didn't make him work for it a bit. You made it too easy. You even offered your "attractive acquaintances", that's weird!/QUOTE]

 

Yeah, forgot to mention this. It's not something I would do.

[hoping2heal]

I met him over the Internet about six months ago. We clicked instantly, and although for curiosity's sake we each went on one date with another person after our first date with each other, by our second date we knew we wanted to be exclusive.

 

Jake was wonderful. He's a professor at a nearby college, brilliant, stimulating, witty, fun, SO attractive, thoughtful, chivalrous and faithful. Sexually and romantically innocent - barely touched. Somehow, however, has an unusually large penis!.. the model boyfriend, the likes of which I never believed could exist. I was in seventh heaven thinking I'd finally found THE one I'd been waiting for.

 

One day two months down the line he pushed and pushed me to tell him my deepest, darkest secrets, which I'd already told him were best left unsaid. He pushed hard enough that I confessed about my legal troubles (including bench warrants), my two failed marriages (one of which included domestic violence), and my kid whom I haven't been allowed to see in two years.

 

WELL! Right then and there he shut off and started talking about how this all scared him, and how he'll be taking off in the fall and might or might not want to take me along. Fantastic. I've been a model girlfriend and this is what I get for opening up. WORD TO THE WISE, LADIES! HONESTY IS NOT ALWAYS THE BEST POLICY AND SOME THINGS ARE BETTER LEFT UNSAID! For example, does your man need to know you bit your toenails throughout high school?!

 

This creates a rift between us which we try to patch up - oh, I sure tried, treating him like a king every step of the way - but, of course, after four months of being together I start dropping subtle hints about the future. He's not stupid and repeats that he might be going it alone when he hits school again. This is New Year's Eve and he says it in the most hurtful manner. I say something along the lines of, "I'm sincere with you because I trust you, because I see you as my partner! Don't you see me as your partner?" To which he responds, "No, honestly, I don't!" The blowout starts there. He apologizes profusely for that horrid statement for a while, but the damage has been done.

 

Friction has been incessant ever since. I'm bitter and hurt and resentful, and he's exasperated that I'm bitter.

 

Something happened yesterday. I can't even remember what. I certainly did not wrong him in any way. He'd told me his reluctance to commit may be due to the fact that he hasn't had enough experience and opportunity to sow his wild oats, and I happily offered him dates with attractive acquaintances of mine! In my mind, the sooner he gets it out of his system, the sooner we can be together happily (or know for sure we can't be). No, he says. It's uncomfortable. He can't bring himself to do it. Then he basically tells me he can't be with me anymore - no way, no how, and he won't budge. I'm ashamed to admit I begged, condemned and tried to reason for hours, but he was adamant as always. He sticks to his guns on principle no matter how jammed they are, no matter how beautiful our love has been.

 

Why, just last week, he looked me straight in the eye and told me, "Fay, I am SO in love with you. I love you so much! You are the best thing that ever happened to me!" Ten days later, he's telling me he "loves me, but less than he used to." TEN DAYS?! What a jackass! What kind of a fickle lover did I end up with?? Our love was so pure, perfect, idyllic for months... then two days of fighting made it magically disappear! What the heck is wrong with this guy?! I love him so much and always have!! Please tell me how to win him back! I saw myself spending the rest of my life with him...

 

It's important that you know he confessed to me that I am his first love. I am so confused.

 

I don't see how you can consider your love so perfect and ideal. You told the guy the truth about your past and he could never really get over it. He saw you in a different, tainted light ever since. I think he really TRIED to push past it but he just can't. Everyone makes mistakes and some people grow up and are WORLDS apart from the mistakes of the past and if someone can't give you the benefit of the doubt and get to know who you are NOW rather than who you USED to be? That is not love much less "perfect, idyllic love." I think he has been pretty honest with you though considering. He told you that he didn't see a real future with you, you noticed the switch RIGHT away several months ago..so this can't all come as THAT MUCH of a shock to you.I think he tried on being in love with you - maybe thought saying the words would make it true..and he realised within a week and a half he just doesn't honestly feel it and can't see a real future with you.

[carhill]

IMO, when you get the bench warrants and RO with your child cleared up, a quality man will be honored to date and relate to a woman who sets goals for herself and achieves them, regardless of her 'past'. In the meantime, work on those things for yourself, alone. Good luck

[sid3]

I met him over the Internet about six months ago. We clicked instantly, and although for curiosity's sake we each went on one date with another person after our first date with each other, by our second date we knew we wanted to be exclusive.

 

Thats where the problem starts

 

Jake was wonderful. He's a professor at a nearby college, brilliant, stimulating, witty, fun, SO attractive, thoughtful, chivalrous and faithful. Sexually and romantically innocent - barely touched. Somehow, however, has an unusually large penis!.. the model boyfriend, the likes of which I never believed could exist. I was in seventh heaven thinking I'd finally found THE one I'd been waiting for.

 

Placed him on a pedestal from the start, sounds like having an unusually large penis is too high on the list of what's important

 

One day two months down the line he pushed and pushed me to tell him my deepest, darkest secrets, which I'd already told him were best left unsaid. He pushed hard enough that I confessed about my legal troubles (including bench warrants), my two failed marriages (one of which included domestic violence), and my kid whom I haven't been allowed to see in two years.

Those aren't deepest darkest secrets, those are life events

 

WELL! Right then and there he shut off and started talking about how this all scared him, and how he'll be taking off in the fall and might or might not want to take me along. Fantastic. I've been a model girlfriend and this is what I get for opening up. WORD TO THE WISE, LADIES! HONESTY IS NOT ALWAYS THE BEST POLICY AND SOME THINGS ARE BETTER LEFT UNSAID! For example, does your man need to know you bit your toenails throughout high school?!

You should have been honest from the start, he probably feels betrayed, and definitely shocked, who wouldn't be

 

This creates a rift between us which we try to patch up - oh, I sure tried, treating him like a king every step of the way - but, of course, after four months of being together I start dropping subtle hints about the future. He's not stupid and repeats that he might be going it alone when he hits school again. This is New Year's Eve and he says it in the most hurtful manner. I say something along the lines of, "I'm sincere with you because I trust you, because I see you as my partner! Don't you see me as your partner?" To which he responds, "No, honestly, I don't!" The blowout starts there. He apologizes profusely for that horrid statement for a while, but the damage has been done.

Treating him like a king= kissing his a**, lowered your value and attractiveness.He lost respect when you did that

 

Friction has been incessant ever since. I'm bitter and hurt and resentful, and he's exasperated that I'm bitter.

Nobody, man or woman wants to stay with a bitter person

 

Something happened yesterday. I can't even remember what.

The how do you know it happened?

 

I certainly did not wrong him in any way. He'd told me his reluctance to commit may be due to the fact that he hasn't had enough experience and opportunity to sow his wild oats, and I happily offered him dates with attractive acquaintances of mine! In my mind, the sooner he gets it out of his system, the sooner we can be together happily (or know for sure we can't be). No, he says. It's uncomfortable. He can't bring himself to do it. Then he basically tells me he can't be with me anymore - no way, no how, and he won't budge. I'm ashamed to admit I begged, condemned and tried to reason for hours, but he was adamant as always. He sticks to his guns on principle no matter how jammed they are, no matter how beautiful our love has been.

You shattered any remaining respect he had for you, offering your bf attractive dates wtf, who does that. That was the worst thing you could have done IMO, supplicating much?

 

Why, just last week, he looked me straight in the eye and told me, "Fay, I am SO in love with you. I love you so much! You are the best thing that ever happened to me!" Ten days later, he's telling me he "loves me, but less than he used to." TEN DAYS?! What a jackass! What kind of a fickle lover did I end up with?? Our love was so pure, perfect, idyllic for months... then two days of fighting made it magically disappear! What the heck is wrong with this guy?! I love him so much and always have!! Please tell me how to win him back! I saw myself spending the rest of my life with him...

He is not attracted to the baggage you carry. There's always a chance someone can love you less, sometimes people wake up one day and drop that bomb on their partner totally out of now where after many years of marriage. I don't think you can win him back, he will have to want to come back

 

It's important that you know he confessed to me that I am his first love. I am so confused.

It would be important if he told you that you were his first intimate partner, as for saying you were his first love, history shows this guy changes his mind about love, next he'll probably say he wasn't really in love with you.

 

My opinion, you should give this man plenty of space. Don't make the mistake so many do by pushing him away. You've made it clear how you feel, it's up to him now. Like some others have posted, it may just be too much baggage for a 26 year old guy to deal with. I have no idea what kind of person you are, but by your actions, you appeared desperate when you tried to get him to stay by offering up aquiantances. There could be a debate on whether or not 2 months is too long to wait before disclosing kids, exhs and warrants. Personally, I would want to know sooner than that. Maybe by letting him miss you, and being without you for awhile he'll change his tune. Or you could try and do all you can think of to 'win' him back. Before you do, read som of the threads in the breakup/coping forums as see how that typically works out.

[Agoraphobianebula]

"by our second date we knew we wanted to be exclusive."

 

He'd told me his reluctance to commit may be due to the fact that he hasn't had enough experience and opportunity to sow his wild oats, and I happily offered him dates with attractive acquaintances of mine! In my mind, the sooner he gets it out of his system, the sooner we can be together happily (or know for sure we can't be).

 

Our love was so pure, perfect, idyllic for months... then two days of fighting made it magically disappear! What the heck is wrong with this guy?! .

 

I can point out a few things in your post that probably contributed to your doomed relationship.

 

You didn't even give yourselves a chance to get to know a thing or two about each other before jumping into the exclusivity talk. Hello, most of the time, if it flares up that quickly, it burns hot but also burns out just as quickly.

 

There is not such thing as pure, perfect and idyllic love. You set this up on too high of a pedestal when it hasn't been tested and certainly doesn't deserve to be up that high.

 

Honesty is always the best policy and someone is ready to hear your unvarnished past when it's the right someone for you, and when that right someone is a real grown-up who knows that we're the sum of our entire pasts, not just the photo-album parts.

 

This guy, I'm afraid is not your "pure perfect idylic" lover.

[Fay]

I guess all of you are right in your own ways. It's still not easy. I want to stay with him so much.

 

So now you're saying I play it cool, act like nothing's wrong, and do NC and see what happens? Do I even have a fighting chance at his coming back after I laid my heart on the table to him last night?

 

God, I must have sounded so pathetic to him. He said, "I'm sorry, I just can't match your level of devotion." Isn't that the story of my life... if you read my past posts. I find a man, within a month I decide whether I'm in it for the long run, and then I put myself into it 100%. Some guys would appreciate that, but most just take a dump on me for it. I'm SOL because this seems to be a problem in the dating game.

[torranceshipman]

Whatever the reason, he isn't into you, and said as much at New Yrs, and your self esteem has taken a huge battering to the point where you were trying to hook him up with your cute friends in order to keep, so that he could sow his wild oats while you hang around and get him when he's done. Don't you see something wrong with this picture??

 

Just leave the guy...he totally isn't worth it.

 

Oh and to add to you above post, about being really committed after a month...thats not the right approach. Sure, be ready to have an open heart and be ready for commitment if the guy is showing signs that he is worth it, but don't make it blind love, no matter what. The guy has to act consistently in a way where he deserves your love. You can get positive signals that the guy is really worth your time after a month but you cannot know him well enough to say, I'm in this forever. You need to get to know a persons character in order to do that!

Edited February 3, 2010 by torranceshipman

[zwieback.toast]

Jake was wonderful. He's a professor at a nearby college, brilliant, stimulating, witty, fun, SO attractive, thoughtful, chivalrous and faithful. Sexually and romantically innocent - barely touched. Somehow, however, has an unusually large penis!.. the model boyfriend, the likes of which I never believed could exist. I was in seventh heaven thinking I'd finally found THE one I'd been waiting for.

 

-vs-

 

One day two months down the line he pushed and pushed me to tell him my deepest, darkest secrets, which I'd already told him were best left unsaid. He pushed hard enough that I confessed about my legal troubles (including bench warrants), my two failed marriages (one of which included domestic violence), and my kid whom I haven't been allowed to see in two years.

 

Fay,

 

What do you bring to the table in this relationship?

[txsilkysmoothe]

I'm hung up on where OP says he is 26 yo? I don't see that.

[Fay]

I'm hung up on where OP says he is 26 yo? I don't see that.

 

Seriously, you are the second person to imply that I've lied about something in my thread. I haven't. He just graduated from his Master's in the summer and immediately got a job teaching English at the local community college in the fall, as an adjunct professor. Does that register with you?

 

And also, he was a virgin until he was 25. Make sense now?

[BWLoca]

Who implied that you were lying? His age wasn't mentioned in your post. I'm curious, too, where his age came up.

[Fay]

Who implied that you were lying? His age wasn't mentioned in your post. I'm curious, too, where his age came up.

 

I think the mod might have removed it from my original post. I already got a mod scolding for revealing identifying information. But yes, he's 26.

[sid3]

There is always a chance that a person might come back. While it doesn't seem likely, you can make it certain he won't by pushing him even further away. Keep your dignity intact and move on, as hard as it may be.

[txsilkysmoothe]

Seriously, you are the second person to imply that I've lied about something in my thread. I haven't. He just graduated from his Master's in the summer and immediately got a job teaching English at the local community college in the fall, as an adjunct professor. Does that register with you?

 

And also, he was a virgin until he was 25. Make sense now?

 

Asking how everyone knows his age is implying you're lying?????

 

How rude! But I accept your apology.

[aroll32]

WELL! Right then and there he shut off and started talking about how this all scared him, and how he'll be taking off in the fall and might or might not want to take me along. Fantastic. I've been a model girlfriend and this is what I get for opening up. WORD TO THE WISE, LADIES! HONESTY IS NOT ALWAYS THE BEST POLICY AND SOME THINGS ARE BETTER LEFT UNSAID! For example, does your man need to know you bit your toenails throughout high school?!

 

I don't like this. If you are not honest, then what does the relationship stand for? Not being honest complicates everything, hiding certain things is different though. For example you don't need to tell you boyfriend you bit you toenails. But you do need to tell him about your past. Because it's who you are. The reason why that scared him is because now, he doesn't really know who you are. It's being honest that makes the relationship go in the way it's supposed to. If a guy doesn't want to be with you when you are honest, then he obviously isn't a right guy for you. A guy who truly likes you will accept most all things about you, and try and help you with it.

 

Be honest. Never lie about things because from my standpoint, it makes you look like a jerk. Don't lie to me about what's going on, because most of the time you can sense when someone is lying. So be honest. Always. Nothing bad will come from that, and if you think it's bad, you have the wrong view of the outcome.

[Fay]

So be honest. Always. Nothing bad will come from that, and if you think it's bad, you have the wrong view of the outcome.

 

You are absolutely right.

 

Mind you, I never lied. I waited till the right time to confess the story of my life. 2 months = 5 dates = a good time to bring the skeletons out of the closet. You surely wouldn't advocate telling someone all these things on the first or even second date. At that point it's none of their business because you don't even know who they are yet - and you want to give them time to get to know your character before getting this slew of information which will always make them judge you prematurely before they even know your last name. I feel that I chose the most appropriate point in our relationship to tell him all the nitty-gritty background info. He couldn't deal with it? Then we're not compatible.

 

But you're right. A person who is capable of dealing with a "history" will do so. One who isn't, on the other hand, is just not right for me and I'm better off without him. Things can only end badly that way.