counterman Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 That is very interesting, Paddington! I have a girl friend who is very open. She is flirtatious and out-going and just laughs and plays. She mostly hangs around a group of guys and you know what? None of them have thought about asking her out. I know the way she is and, to be honest, I was never interested. Personally, I do like a bit of a challenge. I like the curiosity when it comes to a girl, both ways.
Kamille Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 What was also mentioned was the girl out of the choices who said very little. All men were intrigued, wanted to know more. She made them curious. If you lay it on the line 'this is what I'm like, this is what I want, this is what you are going to get' you lose your mysteriousness and don't spark the interest in men to find out more about you over time. That's what I thought when I read papercut's first post. I'm also wondering if what you know is only you being assertive could be perceived as you being self-involved. I've never been out with you and I clearly only know you for what you post here - where you seem balanced and generous, so really, the question stems not from you as from mistakes I have made and seen other woman make: we try to attract attention by being the outgoing dare-devil girl, but in doing that we actually leave very little room for interaction with men (where they would get to know us and we get to know them at a quieter pace). Not to mention, that, uh, well, a lot of guys like to be the ones who impress the girl, and are not comfortable with the opposite (a girl working to impress them). (sorry for stereotyping gentlemen!)
meerkat stew Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Ahh see... my family are from the South like Guangzhou and Hong Kong. Yep we are very different people Please, Chinese Americans with the North/South, as bad as whiteys with our North/South. You are all in the big gweilo melting pot now! I think you two should arrange a date. Meet halfway and make a thread about it.
Zeegagge Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 You sound like my dream girl, I would make a move, take you out and give you the time of your life! Alas, we are separated by oceans. These guys just have no game.
paddington bear Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 That's what I thought when I read papercut's first post. I'm also wondering if what you know is only you being assertive could be perceived as you being self-involved. I've never been out with you and I clearly only know you for what you post here - where you seem balanced and generous, so really, the question stems not from you as from mistakes I have made and seen other woman make: we try to attract attention by being the outgoing dare-devil girl, but in doing that we actually leave very little room for interaction with men (where they would get to know us and we get to know them at a quieter pace). Not to mention, that, uh, well, a lot of guys like to be the ones who impress the girl, and are not comfortable with the opposite (a girl working to impress them). (sorry for stereotyping gentlemen!) another tip I got from a female friend was to 'stop trying to be the cool girl' - as she had also done this, the attitude you show to a guy of 'oh I'm fine with that' 'I don't care if you don't call' 'I'm not bothered', when inside you're dying. She said to be more your authentic self, even if that doesn't show you at what you think is your best advantage. This means saying things like 'oh it's great to hear from you, I was hoping you'd call' - being honest in a non-stalker way that you simply like the guy, or calling a man out on behaviour that you pretend to be cool with, but are in fact, not, cool with at all. At least either way, the guy gets to see the true you and can evaluate you based on that, and not the show that many of us put on to impress at the beginning, or acting in a way that you'll think he wants, rather than just being yourself. Not that any of this is relevant to Paperx's original post....sorry!
Pizzaman81 Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Please, Chinese Americans with the North/South, as bad as whiteys with our North/South. You are all in the big gweilo melting pot now! I think you two should arrange a date. Meet halfway and make a thread about it. Fine! Hey papercut, let's meet in Nebraska, that seems like a neutral ground there.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 paper despite what many men say, when it comes down to it they are often intimidated by assertive women, particularly those that are sexually assertive. I watched an interesting documentary last night about men and what they want when it comes to flirting. Interestingly all the men chose the overly flirtatious girl as the one that they'd have a ONS with, and the others were seen as more long-term prospects. It was mentioned that if you are open about liking sex, come on strong that men will instantly think 'oh, how many other men has she been with, will I match up, I'm scared I won't. I'll avoid'. What was also mentioned was the girl out of the choices who said very little. All men were intrigued, wanted to know more. She made them curious. If you lay it on the line 'this is what I'm like, this is what I want, this is what you are going to get' you lose your mysteriousness and don't spark the interest in men to find out more about you over time. Also, perhaps that stereotype of demure little Asian girls is what attracts men to you (unfair as that might be) when you are not like this image of you that they had in their head and so they avoid I've no idea if any of this relates to you or not as I don't know your flirting style (I personally am totally useless), but if any of it makes any sense, perhaps try toning it down, if you're cute and feminine to start with, you've cut through a lot of problems in terms of gaining that initial spark of interest from men. Beyond that flirt, but not so aggressively as before. Many guys love a little bit of a challenge, not so much that they think they'd never get you, but not either that they know it's there for them on a plate. P_B, you just confirmed that while it's great to be assertive, in the dating world it's impossible to be the ALPHA female. I did notice that if I tell them too much about myself during the initial run, guys have nothing to ask or say in edgewise later. I look at my behaviour, and I do notice that I do have certain areas that I have to tone down. I am slightly loud as a female, so I need to lower my voice and the type of word choices I use. I guess it's time to switch over to being as dainty as Scarlett O' Hara.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 Fine! Hey papercut, let's meet in Nebraska, that seems like a neutral ground there. Sorry Pizzaman, Nebraska is still to far for me. I'm try to stay away from moving too far west as is, even though I would mind moving to Cali one of these days. And really, we're just not right for each other. You're like an older brother.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 That is very interesting, Paddington! I have a girl friend who is very open. She is flirtatious and out-going and just laughs and plays. She mostly hangs around a group of guys and you know what? None of them have thought about asking her out. I know the way she is and, to be honest, I was never interested. Personally, I do like a bit of a challenge. I like the curiosity when it comes to a girl, both ways. Key word. Even though some men will not admit it, this generally applies to all. It's the hunter in every guy isn't it? If I just offer them a steak they rather go out and catch their own caribou. Of course I doubt they would mind me doing their dishes.
paddington bear Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Key word. Even though some men will not admit it, this generally applies to all. It's the hunter in every guy isn't it? If I just offer them a steak they rather go out and catch their own caribou. Of course I doubt they would mind me doing their dishes. Well if you're going to go for Scarlett O'Hara...(the daintiness not the flouncing sulkiness!) do let us know if it makes any difference, I'd be curious to see and must live vicariously through others! What I've learned recently: This lover guy that I have, I slept with him on the first date and presumed that was the last I'd hear of him, but it wasn't, which really surprised me (of course, due to some weird law in the dating universe, if I'd really, reeeeallly liked him I of course, would never have heard from him again) Anyway, after a while of this he informed me 'you know, this is not just about sex, I want to get to know you. I want to talk with you'. He, himself I don't think was comfortable about just using me for sex and didn't want to see me in that light, so tried in his own way to verbally make it into something else. And now? Now that I've spent 6 months of my life sleeping with this guy and getting to know him, I thought that now was the time to allow him in a bit more, if that's what he wanted. But now it's too late and I'm firmly in the FWB situation. I think because it started off in the way that it did, and much as he wanted it otherwise, he's pretty much lost respect for me (that and the fact that I initially didn't respond too enthusiastically to his overtures for something more) and so, I've kind of become in his eyes, what he didn't want me to be - just someone to have sex with and nothing more. I firmly believe the statement: you teach people how to treat you. There were many times where I could have demanded more or acted differently, but I didn't and he has merely responded to the signals I've given out, like a mirror, reflecting me back to myself.
Pizzaman81 Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 ...You're like an older brother. I was hoping you'd say that *awkward silence*
Trialbyfire Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 As a thought, Asian girls are generally viewed and viewed eroneously, I might add, as being submissive. With your looks, are you attracting men who have a preconceived notion of what you should be and then, turn them off with who you are?
Author xpaperxcutx Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 As a thought, Asian girls are generally viewed and viewed eroneously, I might add, as being submissive. With your looks, are you attracting men who have a preconceived notion of what you should be and then, turn them off with who you are? Quite possibly. Most of the men I meet are are white and from what they've told me, they never dated an Asian girl but would would want to because " they're petite, slim, cute, nice.... ":sick:
Trialbyfire Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Quite possibly. Most of the men I meet are are white and from what they've told me, they never dated an Asian girl but would would want to because " they're petite, slim, cute, nice.... ":sick:If that's the case, maybe instead of internalizing their preconceptions or getting jaded about them, just keep dating. While it's not difficult to find someone, anyone to date, it's not always easy to find someone who's really compatible, someone who you want to have a relationship with. Also, the sooner you allow these guys to get sexual, the less they're likely to take the time to really get to know who you are. Point blank, there are many men who are relationship lazy.
meerkat stew Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 I don't think men who have been in NYC for any stretch of time are as likely to have any preconceived notions about Asian women being docile and submissive.
randall Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Sorry Pizzaman, Nebraska is still to far for me. I'm try to stay away from moving too far west as is, even though I would mind moving to Cali one of these days. And really, we're just not right for each other. You're like an older brother. Haha, classic friend-zoning speak at its best!
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