Lost

[wasted-years]

I finally found the courage to leave a marriage I haven't been happy in for years, and yet I feel so empty sometimes. My 17 year old daughter is the most important thing in the world to me and she refuses to talk to me because she feels I abandoned the family and therefore decided to stay with my soon to be ex-wife. We were unbelievably close.

 

It's been 2 weeks since I told my wife I wanted a divorce and left, and although I'm happy to be on my own and away from the stress, it feels like my entire sense of normal is gone. I come home and have no idea what to do. We had been married 22 years and I stayed the last 5 years (at least) even though I was miserable because I wanted to be a part of my kids lives. Am I ever going to feel normal again? Is my daughter ever going to forgive me? It feels like I don't have a friend in the world.

[Angel1111]

You know, that was a really brave thing for you to do. And I mean that. Most people can't do it. They can't take that leap. To completely change your life after 22 yrs. Not an easy thing to do. I can imagine that you do feel lost and out of place. I'm sure that things will get better and be good for you again, but you must give it time. You're not going to be able to bounce out of such a long-term relationship into a new life without some residual effects. My sister left her marriage after 24 yrs and she says that it's a process to get through it all. She's now been out of it for about 5 yrs and is really doing great. But, before you get there, it's like being between the proverbial rock and a hard place.

 

As far as your daughter is concerned, believe me, she'll get over it. This is exactly how kids react because they don't want to face the fact that their parents are (a) human beings and (b) individuals. They like to think that their parents are a unit, always and forever, and they don't like that fantasy to be dislodged. But, they do recover and get over it, usually with a much better view of relationships. I'm sure you'll get the chance to explain it to her one day, without bad-mouthing her mom, and slowly she'll start to understand that you weren't happy and that she has no right to expect you to stay. And then she'll forgive. Just don't act guilty and don't back down on your decision. She'll come around.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this and that you've battled with this for so many years. But they weren't really wasted years because they served some kind of purpose at the time. What were the things in your marriage that made you so unhappy?

[Ashkayi]

Ive always been told that its much much harder to keep going in a relationship for the sake of the child than it is to just get up and finally say, ive had enough. Relationships go on everyday, and both people are miserable and unhappy because they choose to keep going for the sake of the child.

Heres food for thought, your daughter will forgive you. And im sure she loves you. Shes hurt and doesnt understand whats going on, shes a teenager with teenage hormones and issues and this isnt helping her. You are unhappy in your marriage, it showed im sure. I know it shows when im not happy. It isnt healthy for children to be around parents who cant stand one another and are always at odds with each other. While working it out might not have been an option, leaving was probably for the best. Children grow up and move on, but you, you are the one who has to make up your mind how you want to spend the rest of YOUR life. Be an awesome parent, and she will continue to love you no matter what

[wasted-years]

That was the hardest thing I've ever done. I knew before I acted that I risked alienating my kids (I also have a 16 year old son who came with me), and I knew I would lose all of our "couple" friends, and I knew I would take a financial hit, but in the end I decided I'd rather be friendless and broke and free to live my life than continue to be trapped in a loveless marriage. When there was mostly just crying on Christmas day I decided that I was now hurting my kids instead of helping them by staying. I don't hate my wife and I really do want her to be happy, but the hardest thing for me to deal with right now is the guilt I feel. I feel like I've ruined everyone's life. Neither of the kids were surprised by the news and they told me as such, I think it was just the shock of it and the fact that I didn't wait until they were out of the house to do this. Believe me, I tried to hang on and wait for both of them to get a little older and move out, but once I realized how miserable I was and decided to divorce there was just no way I could convince myself to hang around for another couple of years. That wouldn't have been fair to me or my wife.

Thanks for your encouragement, I'm pretty down right now.

[Angel1111]

Well, you did the right thing. Crying on Christmas day? Wow.

 

You know, once the dust settles and everyone gets over the shock, they'll all understand. I've been through this. Everyone recovers and divorce isn't the shocker that it was 50 yrs ago. And you may be surprised that you will probably have more friends than you realize. You definitely have friends here.

[You Go Girl]

I won't comment on leaving the marriage because I don't know what your motives were, so I'm sure you can understand that as I haven't read any of your other posts.

But I did have a teenage daughter during my divorce. She pretty much despised me for many years after.

I think the key to making that many years only a few years or not even a year would have been much better communication by me.

You have to put your kids first, before your own selfish wants. We all have selfish wants--not just you--I'm including me and everybody else. But your kids must come first. If they don't, they will suffer, they will act out in ways you may not even know about, or too late you find out about. So keep on the level with your daughter. Pay attention to her life, daily! Call her everyday just to say goodnight and ask her how her day was. You can start a new tradition there--old traditions may be broken, so start a new one--that you call her every night before she goes to sleep. She will look forward to that and find your new tradition something she can count on--so don't break it by only calling sometimes.

Attend her events, whatever they are.

And if she asks you questions, or makes accusations, find out what she wants to talk about and wisely discuss it. Ignore the accusations and focus on what the question is, and focus on what her feelings are.

If you are a grounded person this relationship with your daughter will work out for you. If you are acting out your second childhood--things will go badly.

[Angel1111]

I won't comment on leaving the marriage because I don't know what your motives were, so I'm sure you can understand that as I haven't read any of your other posts.

But I did have a teenage daughter during my divorce. She pretty much despised me for many years after.

I think the key to making that many years only a few years or not even a year would have been much better communication by me.

You have to put your kids first, before your own selfish wants. We all have selfish wants--not just you--I'm including me and everybody else. But your kids must come first. If they don't, they will suffer, they will act out in ways you may not even know about, or too late you find out about. So keep on the level with your daughter. Pay attention to her life, daily! Call her everyday just to say goodnight and ask her how her day was. You can start a new tradition there--old traditions may be broken, so start a new one--that you call her every night before she goes to sleep. She will look forward to that and find your new tradition something she can count on--so don't break it by only calling sometimes.

Attend her events, whatever they are.

And if she asks you questions, or makes accusations, find out what she wants to talk about and wisely discuss it. Ignore the accusations and focus on what the question is, and focus on what her feelings are.

If you are a grounded person this relationship with your daughter will work out for you. If you are acting out your second childhood--things will go badly.

 

Really great advice about the daughter but I did cringe a little (maybe a lot) when you referred to his decision to leave as a selfish one. Getting out of a bad marriage isn't a selfish decision. As he stated, he tried to stay until the kids were fully grown but couldn't do it. So, I think we can safely assume that the marriage was really, really bad and intolerable. It's not insanity to leave, it's insanity to stay.

 

Kids know when their parents are better off being apart. Just ask my son. If anyone even hints at the idea that his dad and I get back together, he gets upset. He knows the facts and he doesn't live in this dream world that someday his parents will get back together. I think it's pretty unusual for kids to hate their parents for years over a divorce. Yes, as you say, I think communication with them is of utmost important. Of course, they're shocked at first but then they usually come around when they start thinking about how things really were.

[You Go Girl]

Really great advice about the daughter but I did cringe a little (maybe a lot) when you referred to his decision to leave as a selfish one. Getting out of a bad marriage isn't a selfish decision. As he stated, he tried to stay until the kids were fully grown but couldn't do it. So, I think we can safely assume that the marriage was really, really bad and intolerable. It's not insanity to leave, it's insanity to stay.

 

Kids know when their parents are better off being apart. Just ask my son. If anyone even hints at the idea that his dad and I get back together, he gets upset. He knows the facts and he doesn't live in this dream world that someday his parents will get back together. I think it's pretty unusual for kids to hate their parents for years over a divorce. Yes, as you say, I think communication with them is of utmost important. Of course, they're shocked at first but then they usually come around when they start thinking about how things really were.

 

Angel--no no! That isn't what I was saying. I was not saying getting out of the marriage was selfish. I was talking about that we all make selfish decisions--period--and that after divorce--many people become like teenagers again and act out and live a second childhood.

He may not be in a mid-life crisis at all. However we all make selfish decisions in life--so he, you, me, everybody has to watch their actions during and after divorce so that we don't let our kids become second to our own wants, and neglect them even if we don't mean to.

[Angel1111]

WY, how are you doing today?

[wasted-years]

Pretty good day today, really the first one since I left. I like the idea of calling my daughter every night except to this point I couldn't even get her to answer the phone or my texts. I wasn't sure if I should just give her a little space and a little time to heal, but then I read somewhere that you should never stop communicating with your child, even if they are angry and might say hurtful things to you. By continuing to send texts or email or letters you're letting them know that even though they may not want to talk to you, you want to talk to them and be a part of their lives. So I gave it another shot today. I texted her and asked if she would be willing to go out to dinner with me and I told her that I loved her. She texted back and said "Sure, I love you too". I broke down in tears right in the middle of work. Luckily I have an office with a door so I shut it and just thanked God that I hadn't lost my daughter and I cried happy tears. I know our relationship isn't back to "normal" by any means, but her message gave me hope and took away a little of my guilt. I'm crying just telling this again. I just can't seem to stop the emotions these days, I just cry at the drop of a hat. I never used to do that, and I feel awkward being a guy and all.

As for living a second childhood, I really don't think so. I guess I could attribute some of this to a mid-life crisis, but not the kind you see in movies where I would run out and buy a convertible and date a 20 year old girl. It was just a realization that my kids would soon be graduating and leaving the house and my marriage was so far gone that I had nothing to live for. I woke up every day barely able to get out of bed because I was so depressed, and I had no hope at all for the future. Honestly, I felt like now that my kids were almost adults my job was finished, soon they wouldn't need me anymore and I had many nights when I went to bed hoping I wouldn't wake up in the morning. That's when it hit me that it doesn't have to be like that, I could control my own life and create a future with hope and possibilities. This was the most brutal decision of my life, and I had to hit absolute rock bottom before I finally acted.

 

My daughter and I will probably go out to dinner next week, and I will put any problems or issues or insecurities that I may have aside, and focus completely on her feelings and thoughts. It's about her now, not me. I also continue to talk about this with my son, although it's much harder to gauge where he's at because he doesn't like to talk about feelings (he's 16 after all).

 

Thank you to everyone for replying, and I do feel like I have friends here. I was so sad last night I really needed to get it out and this forum was the perfect outlet.

[wasted-years]

One more thing I wanted to ask. I went out for the first time in 2 weeks tonight. I had a few beers with a buddy of mine who is also going through a divorce right now. He highly recommended a program/class that he went through called DivorceCare. Has anyone taken this class, and do you recommend it? Thanks.

[ann09]

Wow - this is the most compelling thread I have ever read in here. Someone said that leaving a marriage isn't a selfish act - and I think I needed to read that today. This has helped me a lot in my decision process. I feel like the most selfish person in wanting my marriage to end. I am trying to get over that feeling.

 

It is also interesting to read about how your staying for the last 5 years didn't help matters. At times I contemplate staying until my kids are grown - but I know this will only kill my soul and make me gravely unhappy.

 

I wish you happiness in your future.

[Angel1111]

Your posts touch me so much. I have no idea why. I read these things all the time but you and your story just hits me to my core. Your sincerity is almost tangible. I teared up when I read that about your daughter. I'm so glad she has agreed to see you so soon. And, please know that you will never, ever lose your children. They're just hurting right now, although there's a part of them that really isn't surprised. Be sure to stay close to your son, too. Even if he doesn't want to talk about why you left, he needs to know that you're there for him. Did you say that he's living with you? If he's not, be sure to take him out or make dinner for him one or two nights a week also. They both need to be reassured that you didn't leave them and have no intention of leaving them. It will ease their minds a great deal.

 

I'm so sorry you went through such pain before leaving your marriage, but I'm also glad that you made the decision to leave. I have no doubt that your life is going to be beautiful once again.

 

I'm glad you went out with a friend, especially one that's going through a similar thing. I've personally never heard of that particular program but it probably wouldn't hurt to go. If you don't like it, you can always stop going. Sometimes, a person can focus too much on a problem and then it just consumes them but I think in the beginning of this, it might be good to know that what you're going through is very normal, and what you can expect. If your friend thought it was worthwhile, then it's probably worth checking out.

[You Go Girl]

Congrats on that texting with your daughter! I'm so glad to hear that...the healing can begin between the two of you..and from what you write I can tell that you are a very caring father and will not neglect the relationship and will see it through that it stays healthy.

It sounds like you are grounded in reality, great...I don't know you of course so I didn't banish the thought of mid life crisis until you showed that you are grounded.

I am considering the divorce support groups myself. The free ones appear to be all in churches, but I suppose they don't push religion too much for those like myself that are not very religious.

I think any support group would be helpful. There will be a wide variety of people there--but you will quickly learn which ones you relate to.

You sound like a good guy...keep your chin up. And if your daughter chastizes you even a little--just let her vent some and don't take it too much to heart.

As for your son--he too needs to let his feelings out. I think it's a problem in our culture that we reinforce that men hide away their feelings. I think it makes reading those feelings as an adult harder to do, but then, I'm a woman and supposedly my brain is wired differently. Not pushing him--but keeping the door ajar--and that he knows if he ever wants to talk it is open--and if he goes through periods of not talking about the D or even his life in general--a little nudge to keep him from keeping everything inside is in order. Boys, especially the quiet ones, have a way of making it appear as if everything is fine, and then parents find out too late that there are behavior problems, drugs, etc.

As for crying at the drop of a hat--oh so what! Women don't consider tears a weakness. They're emotions, and real honest emotions, so how can they be bad? They are the truth. Hiding emotions is an untruth, imho.

Last night I watched the Bucket List...what a terrific movie, but gawd what a tearjerker. I was sobbing all over the place. Tears come easily for me too these days, but I imagine that will lighten up over time.

[wasted-years]

You guys are too nice, but thank you so much again for helping me through this. Angel, that makes me feel really special that my thread moved you, you've got thousands of posts to your name! I really do appreciate everyone's comments, you have no idea how much it's helping me right now.

 

Ann, let me tell you this. Once I picked a date that I was going to tell my wife and leave the house, I was riddled with guilt every time anyone in my family brought up any plans for the future. I couldn't help but think about how I was going to ruin everyone's life by doing this for myself. But I thought about it a whole lot while I was weighing my decision about whether to leave it or not, and right from the start I decided that no matter how much it was going to hurt me I HAD to go through with this or I would literally die. Don't kid yourself, life without hope is dying, and eventually your physical being will comply with your emotional wishes to stop living. I'd rather not be, but I'm a lot more sensitive than most guys apparently, so I knew I had to be 100% committed to this or I would back down and lose my only chance at finding happiness again. I just had to hope and pray that my family would forgive me. Looking back now, staying around for the kids was actually somewhat selfish on my part. The kids grew up thinking that marriage is like what they see from their parents, loveless and arguing all the time. It was selfish to my wife also, because I was denying her the chance to be with someone who really loves her. I hope that eventually she will realize this really was for the better for both of us. So let go of the guilt. As hard as it is to accept, you have to care for yourself first before you can really care for others. Don't keep trying to just get through the day. Life is too short to continue wasting each day that you're given (thus my title of wasted-years).

 

I think my family is starting to forgive me just a little, because I just texted my daughter again today and we're going out to eat tonight. Wish me luck!

[wasted-years]

By the way You Go Girl, I'm not really the religious type either, although I would like to find my spiritual side again. I figure it's worth a shot to try the class anyway, because like you said I could always just drop out. I'll let you know what I think, the first class is next Tuesday. I do know they're all over the country, so they should be available almost anywhere. Take care.

[Angel1111]

What you say about your marriage and leaving makes total sense. I felt the same way and I knew that I couldn't do that.

 

Usually any classes held at churches don't try to push religion on you, so you should be ok.

 

Good luck with your daughter tonight. I'm so happy for you! You know, I think you should tell her what you've told us - about how sad and hopeless and empty you were feeling; that you tried to stay for them (the kids) but could no longer do it. Anyone who loves you would not ask you to live like that.

[wasted-years]

Dinner went pretty well. It was a little awkward at first because we've never been apart for more than 3 or 4 days before, and of course everything that's happened. Once dinner started there were a few lulls, but we gradually started talking more and more. We fell into our usual routine of just talking about anything and everything, and she didn't seem to want to talk about any of the stuff that's been going on so I didn't push her. It just felt really good to be hanging with my daughter again and having an easy conversation and being so comfortable with each other that I guess I didn't want to ruin it by bringing up the D. The subject will come up soon enough and I'll make sure we discuss her feelings about everything that's been going on and me, but I think we both need to ease into it a little bit. I'm going to take the advice that YGG gave and start texting and/or calling every day at the same time to talk. The only part that sucked the whole night was when I dropped her off. My heart just kind of sank as she got out of the car and was going into the house. I'm not sure why, I guess I just felt so sad because I'm not with her every day like I used to be. One day at a time I guess. I have a feeling there's going to be lots more ups and downs in the future. I'm already dreading the first event my wife and I will be together at, which will probably be her graduation. Any advice on that one?

[mrmatt]

One more thing I wanted to ask. I went out for the first time in 2 weeks tonight. I had a few beers with a buddy of mine who is also going through a divorce right now. He highly recommended a program/class that he went through called DivorceCare. Has anyone taken this class, and do you recommend it? Thanks.

 

I've taken it, and I'm going to be taking it again. The first time I didn't finish it. I got to the part where they tell you that you need some time alone, without dating. I was stupid...and was dating. I ended up marrying the girl after 2 months of dating. We were only married for 7 months, and today she send me an email that the divorce papers are ready to sign. So, 60 days from today, I will be divorced...again. So, this time, I'm going to take the sound advice to NOT date...and work on me for a while...but, Divorce Care...yes, a good program.

[Angel1111]

It does seem like things went pretty well. It was good that you didn't pressure her. You're a very thoughtful man. I would say that if the two of you don't talk about this at some point, though, you'll need to bring it up because it does need to be discussed. Even a simple, "Hon, I know this is hurting you and your brother. And I'm sorry for that. I hope you're doing ok." Even if she doesn't take the opportunity then to talk to you about it, at least she knows that you're aware of her feelings and that you're concerned about her. That's a good start.

 

I think you got sad when you dropped her off because this isn't how you're used to dealing with your children. It feels off because you're used to being at home with her. This is completely unchartered territory for you. It'll all start to fall into place after awhile but it does feel very strange and even empty at first.

 

I think you're doing great. It's like anything that we want badly enough, we have to get past the hurdles. These are hurdles, WY.

[wasted-years]

I signed up for the DivorceCare and my first class will be next week, although I've already missed the first three sessions. But they tell me I can take the first three at the next session.

 

There's another issue I'm just not sure how to handle. I have a 27 year old step-daughter. Her mother and I married when she was 5 years old and I helped raise her for 20 years. I feel like she's still a daughter to me, but I'm not sure what to do. She's very angry at me and of course she sides with her mother. What have other people with step-children done after a divorce?

[mrmatt]

I signed up for the DivorceCare and my first class will be next week, although I've already missed the first three sessions. But they tell me I can take the first three at the next session.

 

There's another issue I'm just not sure how to handle. I have a 27 year old step-daughter. Her mother and I married when she was 5 years old and I helped raise her for 20 years. I feel like she's still a daughter to me, but I'm not sure what to do. She's very angry at me and of course she sides with her mother. What have other people with step-children done after a divorce?

 

 

My soon to be ex would not even say goodbye to her step sons...nor let them say goodbye to their step brothers...We were only married 7 months...but they had become very close.

[Angel1111]

There's another issue I'm just not sure how to handle. I have a 27 year old step-daughter. Her mother and I married when she was 5 years old and I helped raise her for 20 years. I feel like she's still a daughter to me, but I'm not sure what to do. She's very angry at me and of course she sides with her mother. What have other people with step-children done after a divorce?

 

Please, do not lose touch with your stepdaughter. You have been in her life for too long. Call and text her the same as you do your biological daughter.

[Meatballsmom]

I can't but notice that from the moment Ann09 first posted about wanting out of her M, the heat she received from the majority of the posters

 

This a husband wanting out and has left, and nobody is questioning his leaving his wife. In fact almost all of the poster have been backing his move.

 

What goes?

 

It is alright if it is the man who wants to leave, but not alright if it is a woman???

 

You have to accept that it is possible that the daughters will see you as the bad guy, especially the step-daughter might be a lost cause. The old blood is thicker than water.

[wasted-years]

I think that's a big jump meatball. I believe the circumstances about why Ann09 wanted to leave were quite different then mine, and I didn't sense any discrimination based on sex alone. I guess if that's what you look for that's what you'll find.