Almost sexless Marriage

[confused39]

Cuppa, why do you say the bedroom problems are your fault as much as his?

[cuppa]

Cuppa, why do you say the bedroom problems are your fault as much as his?

 

Because if your spouse said that he doesn't want to go to a trip with you because he's afraid that you will expect sex, then I don't think you will be so thrilled to go to bed with him.

 

I think women want to feel desired and want the man to see her as beautiful. So although I have my drive, I don't really want to do it with him until our counseling. Something is dead inside (although I'm still lovey dovey with him and we are sweet to each other). I thank my kickboxing & crossfit classes, I go everyday and at night, I am so exhausted that I can barely do anything else.

[cuppa]

First, let me explain myself a little to you. I am the bad boy that your mother warned you about. I am still quite a bit of a bad boy but I am now a father and husband so I have calmed down quite a bit. I am still a bit of a bad boy. I'm a bad boy with good traits.

 

I am not all nicey, nicey, lovey dovey, let me kiss your a** dear. I am not clingy in any way, never have been. I can love you or tell you to piss off. I can be your best friend or your worst enemy.

 

I guess I must have really come off wrong in what I posted about wanting to be a better man FOR MYSELF. Guess I must have sounded like a push over. This just proves my point that a man is not supposed to share his deep feelings because he will be viewed as weak. Lol.

 

I've come to the conclusion that I am going to enjoy my life for me. If this includes my wife then great because this is what I want. If not, her loss. I am doing exactly as you have said concerning being less available and more attractive. I'm reverting back to a bit of my bad boy self. She wanted to go out on a date tonite. I told her that I have plans to play poker with buddies. She was dissappointed but I'm not changing my plans to please her. If she had asked first before I made plans, I would have said yes. I told her maybe another nite and left it open.

 

Now she wants to know why I never call her anymore. I just told her that I have been busy and that I would try to call her later. I'm not into games. I have been busy, I have forced myself to not think about her or or issues quite so much. What happens, happens. Take care .

 

Ah...how long have you guys been married or together? Do you have kids? I've been doing a lot of things by myself too, including hanging out with single girlfriends and going clubbing with them (starting last week).

 

I did this before and it didn't work. Jealousy doesn't work, being unavailable doesn't work either. What ended up happening in my case is that we drifted apart and it took a lot of work to become closer again.

[Jeff1962]

Because if your spouse said that he doesn't want to go to a trip with you because he's afraid that you will expect sex, then I don't think you will be so thrilled to go to bed with him.

 

I think women want to feel desired and want the man to see her as beautiful. So although I have my drive, I don't really want to do it with him until our counseling. Something is dead inside (although I'm still lovey dovey with him and we are sweet to each other). I thank my kickboxing & crossfit classes, I go everyday and at night, I am so exhausted that I can barely do anything else.

 

A man afraid that his wife will expect sex? I just don't get that at all. It's not like you have cooties, adult cooties are a good thing, lol. There has to be some deep seeded emotional issues at play here. Does your H. have performance issues?

 

How is your H's relationship with his mother? Overbearing, rejected, normal? How about his father? Just curious.

 

You mentioned that a woman needs to feel beautiful and desired from her husband. This is normal. It's obvious that you are not getting this from your H. A man also needs these things from his wife but in a different way. He needs to know that he is handsome, sexy and strong. Have you shown your H. this?

 

Just wondering.

[zwieback.toast]

I've tried several different approaches. They don't work. I've come to the conclusion that it's either there or it isn't. Sometimes people's sexual drive changes I guess. The other spouse is left wondering what to do.

 

In the past 2 weeks I've had 2 very nice looking women come on to me. Their intentions were made very clear by them. I turned them both down because I love my wife. It was not hard to turn them down because of my love for my wife, I do not want to betray her. It was after the fact that I got a little depressed because I so want to be touched in that way. A part of me was screaming inside, fool, fool, they are hot, you are lonely. Just can't do it.

 

So, whadaya do?!

 

 

Go back to Walmart and see if those girls' shifts are over yet.

[Jeff1962]

Ah...how long have you guys been married or together? Do you have kids? I've been doing a lot of things by myself too, including hanging out with single girlfriends and going clubbing with them (starting last week).

 

I did this before and it didn't work. Jealousy doesn't work, being unavailable doesn't work either. What ended up happening in my case is that we drifted apart and it took a lot of work to become closer again.

 

Been married 20 years with 2 kids. I'm not into "clubbing". I will meet for a few beers and a meal. I don't go out to dance with other women, this I reserve for my wife. If my wife and I are out together and another woman asks me to dance, with my wife's permission, if I want to, I will dance and vice versa. When I do go out it is to be with the guy's only. To be guy's, scratch, belch, fart and gross eachother out. To be buddies and nothing more.

[cuppa]

I don't mean to hijack this thread but if OP's situation is the same as me, maybe she will find this exchange useful.

 

A man afraid that his wife will expect sex? I just don't get that at all. It's not like you have cooties, adult cooties are a good thing, lol. There has to be some deep seeded emotional issues at play here. Does your H. have performance issues?

 

yes, he did at some point (cramping issue) but he got better. I told my best friend last night that how he refused to go to London with me because he's afraid that I will "bong" him while the reason, I wanted to go there because I love the coffee shop there, love to stroll along the Oxford street, and I thought he was fascinated with Tower of London.

 

Of course, my best friend was laughing so hard so I don't know whether I should weep or I should laugh with her lol (I chose to laugh btw).

 

 

 

How is your H's relationship with his mother? Overbearing, rejected, normal? How about his father? Just curious.

His mom loves him abnormally. His mom doesn't have any affection (zero, nada) from his husband and tries to get it from his son. His mom used to compare myself to her (even called me fat and not as good looking as her or things like that). My husband hates it of course. Yeah, it's pretty abnormal and overbearing. But what does it have anything to do with the topic though?

 

You mentioned that a woman needs to feel beautiful and desired from her husband. This is normal. It's obvious that you are not getting this from your H. A man also needs these things from his wife but in a different way. He needs to know that he is handsome, sexy and strong. Have you shown your H. this?

 

I used to "attack" him quite often in bed, that should be telling that I find him physically attractive right? Today, he dresses up so well, like GQ style, exactly the way I like, so I told him how nice he looks and even suggest to meet up for a drink after work (quick date) which he agrees. I always told him that he's very handsome and has great body.

[Jeff1962]

His mom loves him abnormally. His mom doesn't have any affection (zero, nada) from his husband and tries to get it from his son. His mom used to compare myself to her (even called me fat and not as good looking as her or things like that). My husband hates it of course. Yeah, it's pretty abnormal and overbearing. But what does it have anything to do with the topic though?

 

 

 

I used to "attack" him quite often in bed, that should be telling that I find him physically attractive right? Today, he dresses up so well, like GQ style, exactly the way I like, so I told him how nice he looks and even suggest to meet up for a drink after work (quick date) which he agrees. I always told him that he's very handsome and has great body.

 

Sounds like his mother is rather critical and neglected. When a woman especially a mother is critical towards a son's choice in women, it messes with a man's mind. He will hold this inside and try to deal with it himself. You may very well pay the price for this. Now factor in the fact thar your father-in-law shows no effection toward his wife. Maybe this is how your H. thinks how normal relationships function. This is why I brought up his family enviroment.

 

Maybe I am wrong here but I think you may have some insight as to his behavior.

 

As to the jumping him in bed, keep it up. And the compliments, he loves them, I'm sure.

[cuppa]

Sounds like his mother is rather critical and neglected. When a woman especially a mother is critical towards a son's choice in women, it messes with a man's mind. He will hold this inside and try to deal with it himself. You may very well pay the price for this. Now factor in the fact thar your father-in-law shows no effection toward his wife. Maybe this is how your H. thinks how normal relationships function. This is why I brought up his family enviroment.

 

Maybe I am wrong here but I think you may have some insight as to his behavior.

 

As to the jumping him in bed, keep it up. And the compliments, he loves them, I'm sure.

 

OMG, you scare me. I hope this will get covered in counseling. Last year, I went to visit her and she was talking in her native language to my husband (so I didn't understand completely) but the bottom line was that she said I'm fat, have an awful skin, and need to change my hairstyle to be more like her (and I look at her and OMG, I would never want to look like that in million years, how could i say it, she's absolutely fashion challenged and she dressed like a village woman - and to be honest, she couldn't even get her own husband to sleep with her in the same bed so why would I want to look like a mini her?). Also, it was my fault that I couldn't give her a grandson.

 

Yeah, I'm sure this will come out in counselling, all the skeletons will come out, and I was probably angry too. I spoke to her for the first time last week and my husband thanked me (because I haven been avoiding her for like a year since that last visit). Actually, as I typed this, I realized that my blood rose to my cheek so I better not talk about her anymore lol.

[Jeff1962]

OMG, you scare me. I hope this will get covered in counseling. Last year, I went to visit her and she was talking in her native language to my husband (so I didn't understand completely) but the bottom line was that she said I'm fat, have an awful skin, and need to change my hairstyle to be more like her (and I look at her and OMG, I would never want to look like that in million years, how could i say it, she's absolutely fashion challenged and she dressed like a village woman - and to be honest, she couldn't even get her own husband to sleep with her in the same bed so why would I want to look like a mini her?). Also, it was my fault that I couldn't give her a grandson.

 

Yeah, I'm sure this will come out in counselling, all the skeletons will come out, and I was probably angry too. I spoke to her for the first time last week and my husband thanked me (because I haven been avoiding her for like a year since that last visit). Actually, as I typed this, I realized that my blood rose to my cheek so I better not talk about her anymore lol.

 

Let your husband deal with his family matters. Let your husband know that you are there for him but on the same note will not tollerate disrespect from in-laws. He is to stand by your side because you are his wife unless you are totally out of line.

 

To speak in native tounge is rude in front of people who do not understand. You can get your point across with mother-in-law without being a total a**. Be creative. Step up and be a woman who will not be out done.

[confused39]

Cuppa, I asked why you felt like it was your fault, too, because I, too, feel like it's half my fault. There's this vicious cycle of not being desired, therefore not feeling sexy, therefore afraid to initiate BECAUSE I don't feel desired, therefore I'm losing my mojo...ugly cycle.

[cuppa]

Cuppa, I asked why you felt like it was your fault, too, because I, too, feel like it's half my fault. There's this vicious cycle of not being desired, therefore not feeling sexy, therefore afraid to initiate BECAUSE I don't feel desired, therefore I'm losing my mojo...ugly cycle.

 

Yes, everyone in the sexless or near sexless marriage is right there with you. All those rejections, it did mess up my psyche too. Someone posted a really good advise over here which basically, to get out of this vicious cycle is to heal yourself first.

 

1. Exercise - get fit, get healthy body image -> it will transform mentally too

2. Eat Healthy

3. Do not cheat, we are very vulnerable right now because we've been feeling unwanted, it's kind of like we have a chip in our shoulder to prove that it's not our fault. I am having bi-weekly counseling session and my therapist always warns me about this possibility. So I'm very mindful on how vulnerable I was (or am) but however, I feel getting a bit stronger by the day.

 

After this,then perhaps it's time to bring the issue to the table. In my case, my husband and I are doing marriage counseling at the moment. I'm very hopeful that we can uncover certain things that can help us to move forward and be happier in our marriage.

[SleeplessinCanada]

Hello, I'm new here. A 40 something female. I have been married for 15 years.

 

The OP's post resonated with me. I have a very similar situation and seeking some answers.

 

Our sex life went down to once every two weeks, to once a month, to once every few months - it was like that for a few years. Now we have no sex, absolutely nothing, for the last two and a half years.

 

I blamed myself - I felt perhaps I wasn't attractive to him anymore. Besides the lack of intimacy, the marriage was fairly solid, and yes, we presented as a perfect couple. He makes me laugh, we are good friends, but he now feels like my brother. We're roommates.

 

We had many discussions about this topic - it's not something he relishes to discuss. It is a painful thing to discuss. He had problems maintaining an errection - however, he has not seen fit to discuss this with his doctor for well over, gee, I guess it must be 7 or 8 years now. Gawd time goes by fast.

 

To be rejected by your husband in the bedroom is painful. I became quite expert at supressing my sexual needs after a while just to avoid the issue - but now, I see, that I have crossed some sort of line. I am no longer attracted to him. If I kiss him, it's a quick peck because, as I say, he feels like a brother to me now.

 

Even if somehow, things could be magically restored where he would have an interest in intimacy - I see that now, I no longer want it from him anyway.

 

So, what are my options? My options are to either:

 

1) say that sex isn't that important in marriage - carry on, buy myself some more "female wellness" products and take care of things myself until I become so old I don't care about it anyway; or

 

2) leave the marriage because I say, yes, sex or moreover, intimacy is that important.

 

Other than the intimacy issues (and they are grevious) we get along very well. I love him dearly. He loves me dearly. I guess what I'm trying to figure out internally is - is sex / intimacy really that important? Am I being selfish to want more?

 

I'm struggling too.

Edited March 22, 2010 by SleeplessinCanada

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Hello, I'm new here. A 40 something female. I have been married for 15 years.

 

The OP's post resonated with me. I have a very similar situation and seeking some answers.

 

Our sex life went down to once every two weeks, to once a month, to once every few months - it was like that for a few years. Now we have no sex, absolutely nothing, for the last two and a half years.

 

I blamed myself - I felt perhaps I wasn't attractive to him anymore. Besides the lack of intimacy, the marriage was fairly solid, and yes, we presented as a perfect couple. He makes me laugh, we are good friends, but he now feels like my brother. We're roommates.

 

We had many discussions about this topic - it's not something he relishes to discuss. It is a painful thing to discuss. He had problems maintaining an errection - however, he has not seen fit to discuss this with his doctor for well over, gee, I guess it must be 7 or 8 years now. Gawd time goes by fast.

 

To be rejected by your husband in the bedroom is painful. I became quite expert at supressing my sexual needs after a while just to avoid the issue - but now, I see, that I have crossed some sort of line. I am no longer attracted to him. If I kiss him, it's a quick peck because, as I say, he feels like a brother to me now.

 

Even if somehow, things could be magically restored where he would have an interest in intimacy - I see that now, I no longer want it from him anyway.

 

So, what are my options? My options are to either:

 

1) say that sex isn't that important in marriage - carry on, buy myself some more "female wellness" products and take care of things myself until I become so old I don't care about it anyway; or

 

2) leave the marriage because I say, yes, sex or moreover, intimacy is that important.

 

Other than the intimacy issues (and they are grevious) we get along very well. I love him dearly. He loves me dearly. I guess what I'm trying to figure out internally is - is sex / intimacy really that important? Am I being selfish to want more?

 

I'm struggling too.

 

Interesting that you chose this post to respond to. The OP if one checks posted what is an all too popular topic and it was their only post.....

 

So Sleeplessincanada I will ask the same question. Is he gay? Do you have children? Has there been a significant change in appearance (outside aging)?

 

With us bombarded by ED commercials day and night, this is no longer a taboo subject and for minimal $'s it is easy to "get it up".....

 

It is unacceptable to go without intimacy in a healthy relationship. You two have communication, but do not talk.

 

Wlcome to LS:rolleyes:...

Edited March 22, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic

[SleeplessinCanada]

So Sleeplessincanada I will ask the same question. Is he gay? Do you have children? Has there been a significant change in appearance (outside aging)?

 

1) Is he gay? I don't think so... I don't know.

2) No children

3) Not really, aside from normal aging.

 

It is unacceptable to go without intimacy in a healthy relationship. You two have communication, but do not talk.

 

Thank you. I need that sort of validation. The kind that tells me I'm not a bad person for wanting more from a marriage.

 

Wlcome to LS:rolleyes:...

Thank you!

 

Originally Posted by cody5

I guess the opinions of us knuckledraggers count too, so here goes. I can't imagine sleeping next to a willing female body and not screwing it. MANY times a week (night?). EVERY time I read a thread like this I think the same thing:

 

He's gay.

 

LOL!!!! Gawd.... now you have me wondering!

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Sleepless in Canada...

 

You story is not uncommon. BTW I think it's enitrely possible for him to be straight and sexless. Of course there are many other possibilities also.

 

You played your part in getting to this stage and now it's time to work on it. Some serious therapy is in order. Get some individual counseling to start. Then perhaps you can progress to couples counseling (if he is willing).

 

If he is willing to work on restoring your sex life that is great. If not, then you have to decide if it's time to cut your losses now and move on, or try some other route.

 

You should start your own thread and plan on staying a while. There's lots of support and opinions for you while you are working through this...

 

Good Luck!

Edited March 22, 2010 by She's_NotInLove_w/Me

[Wifecrazy]

Gentlemen if you are in a sexless, near sexless or low sex marriage the source of your frustration may be hormone related. My wife was never interested in sex, for 17 years!! After finding out that she never spoke to her OBGYN. about the issue, since she "knew" the problem was with me, we ended up near divorce. After my new Dr. heard the story he wanted to know how long she was on birth control. Later testing showed she had no testosterone, and thus no sex drive. Sadly after so many years of rejection etc.. I can't really say I am "into her". Maybe this will save some relationships.

[Wifecrazy]

Also, through all the years I was dogged by every one that I must be doing something, something wrong, something not enough etc... Now after a short time of mild hormone therapy, (her levels are still very low) it really does not matter what "I" did or do. Her interest may also be aroused because I "don't care" any more.

[cuppa]

Gentlemen if you are in a sexless, near sexless or low sex marriage the source of your frustration may be hormone related. My wife was never interested in sex, for 17 years!! After finding out that she never spoke to her OBGYN. about the issue, since she "knew" the problem was with me, we ended up near divorce. After my new Dr. heard the story he wanted to know how long she was on birth control. Later testing showed she had no testosterone, and thus no sex drive. Sadly after so many years of rejection etc.. I can't really say I am "into her". Maybe this will save some relationships.

 

I wished my husband is willing to go through this. I even offer to do the same test with him but I am afraid that I'm beating a dead horse here.

 

I think he prefers to go to trial separation than seeing a doctor or a counselor. oh well....maybe with our time apart, he will do initiative on his own but I don't expect much at this point.

 

However, my best friend (who has almost similar problem like me), her husband offered to do medical exam. He ended up wearing a patch to increase his testoterone level...Last I checked, it's been over 3 weeks and there was no changes in the bedroom activities yet .

[Whyme_wtf]

Is there an update by the OP?