kwyser Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Have you ever been dumped and felt terrible? So then you began pleading with your ex to take you back, calling them constantly, and acting depressed in an effort to make them feel bad for you? Chances are you have, or perhaps you are right now, I know I've been there. Why does this always backfire? Because the reason they broke up with you in the first place was to spend time apart. When you call them and beg them you are constant contact with them, and that contact is negative. When you get broken up with, moving on and living your own life can seem like the hardest thing in the world, but it is what you have to do. Focus on your life and doing what makes you happy. Do something you have always wanted to do, fix something in your life that has been bothering you for a while, see other people. This will do one of two things, possibly both. It will make it easier for you to move on, and it may spark a new interest from you ex, giving you chance to get back together with them. I hope this post helped someone
USMCHokie Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 This will do one of two things, possibly both. It will make it easier for you to move on, and it may spark a new interest from you ex, giving you chance to get back together with them. I think I commented on this in another one of your posts... Bold text: Good. Underlined text: Irrelevant.
bananaboat11 Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 EXES ARE EXES BECAUSE EXES SUCK. *puts down the bottle of jack daniels*
Author kwyser Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 (edited) USMCHokie, Are you saying that it doesn't matter if this can help people get back with their exes? Because this is what a lot of people need. Is their only option moving on instead of reconciling with their ex and fixing the relationship? Edited February 3, 2010 by kwyser
USMCHokie Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 USMCHokie, Are you saying that it doesn't matter if this can help people get back with their exes? Because this is what a lot of people need. Is their only option moving on instead of reconciling with their ex and fixing the relationship? Disagree. I will fix this sentence: "Because this is what a lot of people want." Of course everyone wants the magic formula to get back what they once had, but I'm not here to blow sunshine up anyone's ass. In the immediate aftermath of a breakup, all they want is to be happy again...and the last moment of happiness was what they experienced with their ex...so naturally they will associate happiness with that ex and think they will never be happy again unless they get their ex back... But people break up for a reason...whether it's legitimate, bullsh*t, real, fake, or whatever, there was something not right at that particular moment in time... Allowing yourself to be influenced by hope that your ex will return serves no beneficial purpose...either in the short or long term...only one of two things is likely to result: (1) Ex never returns...dumpee wastes weeks/months/years of his life holding on for someone who never wants to come back...dumpee just prolongs the heartbreak and perhaps makes it worse later on when dumpee realizes it's really over... (2) Ex actually returns...but dumpee never spent the time to fix himself and figure out why the relationship ended and what issues needed to be fixed or resolved...second chance falls apart due to the same problems...dumpee is even more sad this time around... HOWEVER, if dumpee spends this time wisely moving on, he will allow himself to meet new people, work on his own issues and use the past broken relationship as a guide to learning about himself as well as learning about what he does and doesn't want in a relationship... The important thing is that he uses the breakup as experience from which to learn...THAT is the reason for moving on...so that the next relationship is that much better and with a person that is much better suited for dumpee. Dumpee should not and cannot use hope for reconciliation as a motive for moving on. It will hurt him in the long run.
Author kwyser Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 I agree with you that most people want this, but not all, some do need it. And notice you said at that moment in time. Meaning that whatever was going wrong at that time can possibly be fixed. Fixing a temporarily broken relationship can make people happier than if they moved on. You are absolutely right that this can be bad in the long run, sometimes, but not all the time. If people spend their time fixing themselves, then possibly trying to reconnect, it can work, but as you said, if they spend their time moping or immediately trying to get back with the ex, it will end badly.
sean1970 Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Dumpee should not and cannot use hope for reconciliation as a motive for moving on. It will hurt him in the long run. I want to be clear what you mean here. Would you elaborate?
USMCHokie Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 If people spend their time fixing themselves, then possibly trying to reconnect, it can work, but as you said, if they spend their time moping or immediately trying to get back with the ex, it will end badly. Ok, I think we are talking about two different things here. I am not against second chances or reconciliation by any stretch of the imagination. I'm sure everyone here on LS knows that I still love my ex more than anything, even after 6 months. I would love to talk to her again and have a second chance with her. I truly feel that me and her were a case of right person, wrong time. And if that right time ever comes along, sure, I'd like to think it'd work out again. And of course in the back of my mind, I still hope that she contacts me someday...but I do not let any sort of hope guide how I live my life... But all I am saying is that people cannot use that hope as a motivation for moving on...if there is a possibility of a reconnection later on in life, then by all means, you should consider it...but do not actively hope for it...it will only prolong the pain...do not choose your actions in an attempt to manipulate the universe, hoping that you're doing some sort of magic rain dance to make your ex miss you... That's not what no contact is for. It's for you.
USMCHokie Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 But all I am saying is that people cannot use that hope as a motivation for moving on...if there is a possibility of a reconnection later on in life, then by all means, you should consider it...but do not actively hope for it...it will only prolong the pain...do not choose your actions in an attempt to manipulate the universe, hoping that you're doing some sort of magic rain dance to make your ex miss you... Sean, hopefully this is a little clearer...
Author kwyser Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 That is why I said it may spark interest in your ex. I did not say to start living your own life in order to spark interest in your ex. I said live your own life and make yourself happy and in doing so you may attract your ex. So we basically do agree, we just misunderstood each others wording on the posts
DenverBachelor Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Ex's respond negatively because they've already executed a decision that puts them in a position of power and by pleading and begging, you're dropping your power tremendously. Generally, they've already found someone else because people who spend most of their lives in relationships very rarely let go of one branch without having a firm hold on another. The best thing to do when they breakup is to basically make it look as if you never even existed. Who cares if they hate you, love you, miss you, don't miss you -- they broke the relationship, not you. They were the quitter, not you. They weren't strong enough to grow the relationship past the battlefield months/years -- you were. Why would you want to be with a weak quitter who so easily breaks things?
Ilovecake Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Begging and pleading backfires because it makes you look weak and desperate and desperation is one of the most unattractive qualities a person can show. It makes everyone else uncomfortable. Nobody wants to be responsible for someone else’s mental well being. Did you ever know that person that just hung on no matter what? Maybe a kid on the playground you really didn't want to play with but they just kept coming around. How did you feel? Did you want to be friends with them or did you push them away even further? It was uncomfortable right? I bet you wanted less and less to see that whiney person.
Ilovecake Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 USMCHokie, Are you saying that it doesn't matter if this can help people get back with their exes? Because this is what a lot of people need. Is their only option moving on instead of reconciling with their ex and fixing the relationship? Nobody needs to get back together with their ex. You think you want to get back together with your ex but you do not need to. This person treated you badly and told you you are no longer useful to them, why would you need that in your life?
0hpenelope Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 I think it's because most of them have made up their minds long before the actual break-up. The times when I've been the dumper, seeing my ex trying to get my attention makes me see him as trying too hard. "I already said I didn't want to be w/ him, so why does he still do these things?" I don't see the relationship worth going back to. It lends credence to our very own carhill's truism: "The person who cares the least has the most control and power." I should've thought about that perspective when I was broken up w/ in my last relationship. Lesson learned!
malc Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 It lends credence to our very own carhill's truism: "The person who cares the least has the most control and power." I should've thought about that perspective when I was broken up w/ in my last relationship. Lesson learned! Interesting Penelope, so supposed you are the dumpee, which is my case, how do you gain that control and power back off the ex - my dumper. She dumped me, and now is still trying to keep that control and power over me by contacting me all the time. How do I use this theory to make her see what she has lost when she contacts me.
TaraMaiden Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Interesting Penelope, so supposed you are the dumpee, which is my case, how do you gain that control and power back off the ex - my dumper. She dumped me, and now is still trying to keep that control and power over me by contacting me all the time. How do I use this theory to make her see what she has lost when she contacts me. This is all your perception. The problem is, you BELIEVE you lost your power and control. You believe your ex- is "still trying to keep that control and power over you"... You never lost it. Read that again. You - Never - Lost it. What happened is that - YOU GAVE IT AWAY TO HER. Voluntarily. you chose to decide that she has it, and is holding on to it, because that's the position you've put her in. But get this: She is not trying to keep it. You believe she has it, but actually, it's still you, giving it to her. you gave your power away, and you are still giving it away, by responding, reacting and giving a damn. The secret is to cut her off at the knees, and never show her you are even conscious she's there any more. Turn your back on her, and realise that as you can no longer see or hear her, then she doesn't exist. THAT - will bring your power back to you. And nothing else. you cannot control what you do not acknowledge. it's not her. It's you.
Eeyore79 Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Why does this always backfire? Because the reason they broke up with you in the first place was to spend time apart. When you call them and beg them you are constant contact with them, and that contact is negative. I have to disagree... I don't break up with guys because I want to spend time apart. I break up with them because I don't want to date them any more. Whe someone pesters me and begs and pleads, it isn't the fact that they're in constant contact that bothers me; it's the fact that it makes them look weak and pathetic and desperate, which just turns me off even more. Accepting my decision, being strong and confident, and getting on with your life might just intrigue me and make me see you as a stronger man than I thought you were when I dumped you... I might even want you back. Acting all clingy and needy and pathetic will just make me see you as a weakling who I'm glad I got rid of.
0hpenelope Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Interesting Penelope, so supposed you are the dumpee, which is my case, how do you gain that control and power back off the ex - my dumper. She dumped me, and now is still trying to keep that control and power over me by contacting me all the time. How do I use this theory to make her see what she has lost when she contacts me. TaraMaiden answered this pretty well, but I'll summarize my answer to your question in 2 words: you cannot. You cannot "make" her see what she has lost when she contacts you. She already knows what she lost because she broke up with you. Short of mind-control and really, really serious blackmail amongst other compelling influences, no one can make anyone do anything. I doubt she's really trying to keep control over you unless she's really that manipulative. If she is, why would you want to re-kindle your relationship w/ her? I'd want to get away from someone who's exerting their power and control over me, not go towards. I guess I'm one of those people that you can't use the "Oh, trust me, she is. I know her, there's this background story that will take a while to tell, I'm the one who knows her" reasoning with all the time. I get that. But I still take "She dumped me, and now is still trying to keep that control and power over me by contacting me all the time," with a grain of salt because she hasn't come here to specifically say, "Yeah, I'm trying to keep my power and control over malc by contacting him all the time." You only have what you know of her going on for you and as time passes, you may find you don't know her as well as you think you do. Here's the thing. One of the most effective ways exes come to realizations is if the dumpees leave them alone. And even when exes are left alone, it's not a guarantee that they'll "realize their loss." There's a possibility that it might happen but you have to keep your focus on yourself without dwelling on that possibility. Just keep moving forward. Finally, if you have time, search for posts by foxh1234 just to gain another perspective on this "leave them alone and they MIGHT come knocking. MIGHT" theory. For myself, the more I wanted to stop being friends w/ my ex, the more he insisted on wanting to be friends. I assumed that he was just doing that because he felt guilty, so I used that to decide to cut off contact. I haven't heard from him since and I don't care to be in contact with him at all anymore.
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