3lilbears Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 New here..and only found this by google-lack of sex lol. Anyway I thought I would tell you why I am really here. I am 32, mother of 3 very young kids 5,3 and 8 mos. I just got out of the pregnancy fog (moms you know what I mean!) and now just noticed that I dont know who I am any more or what happened to ME. The problem I am having is lack of sex. I could care less if I had sex in the next month but my poor dh needs it,wants all the time. I just dont feel the same. To be honest I have no idea why. He's a great man. Comes home every night after a long day at work. Great father etc. But its me. I just dont think of it ever. What can I do to make sure this doesnt go south? I hate the way I look, 3 kids in 5 years...not like I was in my 20's but Im not over weight. Im sure when Im in my mommy gear-sweats and long T Im anything but cute, but somehow he still wants to be with me. Do you think it has something to do with the fact that I feel so fat and ugly? I guess I need to let go of the 20 something year old girl?!?
Pleco Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Buttnutter - It's her marital obligation?? Please come join the rest of us in the 21st Century. HOWEVER, it is cruel of you (OP) to deny your husband something that he obviously wants and needs. Men show that they love and need to be shown that they are loved by having sex. They view sex differently than most women in that they need sex from you in order to feel loved. I know that it is really hard to have sex when you don't feel desire. It's not as easy as some make it out to be. If you aren't aroused it can even be really painful. Try getting your estrogen levels checked. Low estrogen can impair your ability to become aroused, and with having three kids in a short time I'm sure your hormones are all out of whack. Try going to the gym to get yourself in better shape. Even if you aren't trying to lose weight, you will feel better about yourself and the blood flow will sometimes make getting aroused very easy. Another thing I have noticed myself is that on nights when I know my boyfriend is going to initiate sex, but I am really not feeling into it, I will initiate first. If I take the lead, even though initially I was not feeling aroused, it is MUCH easier for me to get into it because I feel like it was my idea. I know it makes almost no sense, but it really does work for me. Maybe it will work for you too. You could try seeing a therapist if it doesn't improve and it's not medical. But seriously, get those estrogen levels checked out!
seibert253 Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Go to the Dr, and have a blood test. It could be a physical issue. Your hormones may still not be back to level. 3 children in 5 years, that could be your problem. A simple blood test will let you know. Simple hormone therapy will help in no time. If it's not physical, then it's emotional or psychological. To your husband you are just as beautiful now, as you where the day he married you. IMO; him wanting to "BE" with you is an indicator of this. IC with a competent therapists will have you feeling better about yourself. But, give it time, it won't happen overnight.
Stung Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 I know that it is really hard to have sex when you don't feel desire. It's not as easy as some make it out to be. If you aren't aroused it can even be really painful. Try getting your estrogen levels checked. Low estrogen can impair your ability to become aroused, and with having three kids in a short time I'm sure your hormones are all out of whack. Try going to the gym to get yourself in better shape. Even if you aren't trying to lose weight, you will feel better about yourself and the blood flow will sometimes make getting aroused very easy. Another thing I have noticed myself is that on nights when I know my boyfriend is going to initiate sex, but I am really not feeling into it, I will initiate first. If I take the lead, even though initially I was not feeling aroused, it is MUCH easier for me to get into it because I feel like it was my idea. I know it makes almost no sense, but it really does work for me. Maybe it will work for you too. You could try seeing a therapist if it doesn't improve and it's not medical. But seriously, get those estrogen levels checked out! I agree with the above advice, and hope you're trying all of it, but I wanted to add: I have a houseful of young kids, too, and a baby. It sounds like you are a stay-at-home mom to your 3, is this correct? How much help do you get with them? There was a long stretch after my young son was born when I was home taking care of the teething colicky baby and my stedaughter and often my goddaughters with no help because my husband worked long hours and was rarely home before their bedtime. I have a very high sex drive ordinarily but I was unable to feel sexy after 12-14 hours of hearing screaming right in my ear, being puked on, walking miles up and down trying to rock the baby to sleep, being crawled all over and poked and prodded and generally putting myself last all day, getting zero private time or personal space...even when I wanted sex mentally, I just didn't want any more hands on me after a whole day of my body being treated like a jungle gym. My husband managed to change his schedule a bit and get home earlier a couple of nights a week and my mom started coming over a couple of times a month to help during the day, and it made a huge difference. I realized I was just exhausted and a bit resentful and feeling too crowded, as soon as some of the workload was shared and I got a little personal time/space back (even just an hour a week) I was able to start getting back to my old self, sexually speaking. Another perspective, I don't know how much bearing it has on your situation.
crazycatlady Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 Having sex will sometimes get you in the mood to have more sex. It can be a rut and easy to just skip sometimes, especially when you are feeling this way. But if you get back into the swing of things and make an effort to have sex, you might find yourself craving it. I kno for me sometimes I have to jump start myself by pushing myself to have sex even if I'm not so much in the mood (I'm pushing myself, not my H) Also, start carving out me time. Let your H take the kids one or two nights a week and get out of the house and let H do the nighttime routine - the witching hour - no matter how good the kid, bedtime is stressful, three kids whoa. This way you might be relaxed. Go to the library and relax, go to the park, go out to eat alone to a place you like, take a class. I took a crochet class and H pretty much shoved me out the door at first because I as a basketcase. Also don't wait until you are ready to go to sleep to start sex. Put those kids down, and when you know they are asleep, then go for it. I know we often stayed up another hour ot three after kids went to bed and by then I was to darn tired to want it. Take a shower together to get things kicked off, then you won't be worrying about not being sexy in your mom clothing. Have fun with your H if possible send sexy txt messages off and on throughout the day, let foreplay be the whole day long. It can be a lot of fun. And check with your doctor, especially if you are on birthcontrol, some can diminish your sex drive, or if you aren't on it, consider it because fear of pregnancy even unacknowledged can bring your drive down. CCL
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