Husband just came out bisexual

[spittingrage]

Hello, I have a relationship issue that I'm hoping some folks can help me out with.

 

My husband of nearly 6 years recently came out as bisexual to me. This was a shock - not because I have any problem with bisexuality / homosexuality (I have many gay friends, and have had bisexual experiences myself), but because the news was so out of the blue.

 

My husband isn't what I would normally consider to be repressed; he's never been homophobic or anything like that. He often used to say that if he WERE gay, he'd be OK with it but he "would have known it by now". Apparently not.

 

His story is as follows: he's always known that he's been attracted to guys but has heavily repressed it because of a strict and conservative religious upbringing. Although he ditched the aforementioned religion by the time he was about 15 and rebelled in many other ways (music, clothing, alcohol and drug use, politics, etc) he claims that he's never had an adult sexual experience with another guy.

 

I'm a little skeptical about this story. I know he never had a serious relationship before he and I got together, although he says he's had sex with a few women before me. At one point he said he went through a 4-year "dry spell" (between the ages of about 24 and 28) when he didn't have sex with ANY partner. It's hard for me to believe that a guy with bisexual tendencies (even "heavily repressed" ones) would willingly endure 4 years without sex when anonymous no-strings hookups with other men are easily available via the internet, personals ads, bars and clubs, etc. But that's his story and he's sticking to it.

 

Granted, my husband's sexual past is a concern to me only to the degree that it impacts our current relationship (i.e., honesty, exposure to STDs, etc) - it's not like I expected him to come into our relationship in a "germ-proof" wrapper (pardon the metaphor). However, his present/future sex life is naturally much more of an issue to me, especially if he wants it to involve other people.

 

When I asked him what his "discovery" of his bisexuality will mean for me and our marriage, he told me that he doesn't want a divorce, but is interested in finding guys to "make out" with. What these other guys might think about this situation is anyone's guess, but that's another issue.

 

Since then he's shared periodic fantasies about being with another guy in front of me. While I'm not necessarily against that idea in principle (in fact I'm rather intrigued by it), I think that it's far too soon for us to really be going there. I did "bust" him for taking nearly-nude photos of himself with a digital camera, and told him calmly (but firmly) that his posting personals ads (regardless of whether they're seeking women OR men) is NOT alright with me. To my knowledge he hasn't made any further attempt to do this, but I haven't been snooping on his computer / cell phone / whatever, nor do I intend to.

 

I've been talking to a couple's therapist about this issue, and it's been of some help but I'm doing it without my husband. He was seeing a therapist of his own for a very brief time but is making a lot of comments about discontinuing therapy; additionally, his motivations for talking to the therapist seem to be based solely on his own comfort level with being bi – in other words, he doesn't seem to be concerned with how this situation is impacting me or our marriage.

 

OK, sorry to ramble on and on like this, but I wanted to give as clear a description of the situation as I could. Any suggestions / insights will be welcome, and thanks for reading!

[FryFish]

Hmm... I would believe him about the dry spell... Guys dont tend to lie in a direction that makes them look like they DONT score...

 

Beyond that I have zero insight for you. Keep us updated please.

[FryFish]

Your sexual preference is what determines if you are straight, gay or bi... Not who yo uare ACTUALLY sleeping with. If he is attracted to men AND women he is bi. It doesnt matter if he hasnt yet acted on half of those attractions.

[Ronni_W]

When I asked him what his "discovery" of his bisexuality will mean for me and our marriage, he told me that he doesn't want a divorce, but is interested in finding guys to "make out" with.

I'm a straight woman. Quite honestly, sometimes I'm also interested in finding (other) guys to "make out" with. I think that would be delightful.

But. My long-term partner has vetoed any such notions of mine. (Darn!) And I don't think he'll be any more accepting or approving if I changed my interest to include some lesbian encounters.

 

Your husband is bi. Fair enough. But that does not change the fact that he chose, of his own free will, to make a commitment to YOU that he would be sexually exclusive with YOU. If he wants to be in a committed, exclusive relationship, that choice necessarily includes "forsaking ALL others" -- not just all other women. If he was in a committed, exclusive relationship with a guy right now, it would be the same deal.

 

His being bi does NOT mean that you are obligated to give him permission to screw around on you. He is NOT entitled to that. The gender of the people he'd like to screw around with makes no difference at all. IMO.

 

You get to choose what you want about this. You don't have to allow it to get forced down your throat, if you don't think you can swallow/stomach it.

 

I get that his individual therapy is about him getting clear and comfortable about his sexuality and other individual stuff. But he is still a husband, and he still has spousal obligations and responsibilities in that relationship. In addition to his individual, he ought to ALSO be doing the counseling that his primary relationship and his partner needs.

 

It's got to be extremely difficult on you, too, in about 89 different ways. Have you considered individual therapy for yourself, so that you can get guidance and support for the stuff that is about you as an individual and a woman?

 

Hugs and very best outcomes.

[FryFish]

A homosexual is someone who actually has sex with members of the same gender, not someone who just thinks about/fantasizes about it.

 

It's a behavior. If the behavior has never been acted on, it would be fair to say that someone has "homosexual preferences" or "characteristics." But until acted on, its a potential only, not an actuality.

A homosexual is someone who is aroused by people of the same gender. They dont have to actually have sex with them they just have to be aroused by them. A bisexual is someone who is aroused by people of either gender. A persons sexuality is defined by their preference, not by their behavior. I was a heterosexual LONG before I ever had heterosexual sex. Your thinking/doing analogies dont fit here for the reason that the terms used are there to describe preference and not past behavior.

 

Every person who ever had a stray thought or fantasy about having sex with the same gender is not a bisexual my friend.

No, just those who are turned on by those thoughts.

[FryFish]

O.K. so what you're saying is if I have heterosexual sex with my wife every day of my life and never actually have sex with a man, but in order to get off on the sex, I have to imagine that she is actually David Bowie while we are having sex with each other, I'm a homosexual, not a heterosexual.

Yes.

 

So according to your definition, even though I am putting my penis in her vagina, what we are actually having you would define as "homosexual sex" rather than "heterosexual sex."

No, you would be a homosexual man having heterosexual sex. Is that simple enough?

 

But, let's say I'm incarcerated in prison, I'm really really horny, and the only one available to have sex with in prison is some jailhouse punk who I purchase for sex from the Crips with a package of cigarettes from the commissary. So I close my eyes and while I'm inserting my penis into the punk's anus, I'm imagining I'm having vaginal sex with my wife in order to get off. And under your definition, I would therefore be having "heterosexual sex."

No, you would be a heterosexual man having homosexual sex. Simple enough?

 

Yeah, that makes sense dude. Not.

Luckily for both of us, what you posted is not at all what I was saying. Simple enough?

 

OK let's try again. Let's say I really want to have sex with a golden retriever but don't want to get arrested. So I take my wife to bed and do her doggy style, all the while imagining she is Rover with a tennis ball in her mouth.

 

Did I just commit bestiality? According to you, yes I did.

Is it fair to guess that english is NOT your first language? anyways in your scenario you would be a sicko having heterosexual sex. Simple enough?

 

Why? Because when you were 13 you jacked off to your Dad's playboys with pictures of naked ladies? Well that's a behavioral sexual act, isn't it? How would you know what you were and were you weren't until you actually tried it?

Because thoughts of naked ladies made my penis hard. I knew I was straight because my physiology was telling me in no uncertain terms that I WANTED to have sex with women.

 

Did you even read the original post in this thread?

I did.

 

and I suppose it's OK to argue that someone's sexual fantasies have some bearing on their actual sexuality,

Their fantasies are indicative of their sexuality. They dont just have SOME bearing.

 

but it's absurd to argue as you do that their sexuality has nothing to do with their actual sexual behavior.

In most cases their sexuality DETERMINES their actual sexual behavior. It does not work the other way around though, their actual sexual behavior does not determine their actual sexuality although it is usually as indicative of it as their sexual fantasies are. The cases where it doesnt work this way are cases where a person represses their sexuality. Like when a gay or bisexual man gets married and has kids.

 

Now if you are going to debate against me then debate against ME... Not a straw man that you dress up in my clothing. Take what I said for exactly what I said and not some ridiculous extreme. Dont extrapolate unless it absolutely makes sense to do so.

 

It is ok for you to be wrong occasionally, like you are here, so just man up and admit it whenever you are ready.

[Jeff1962]

You don't just wake up one day and say, I think I'm bi sexual now. It's always been there or he is very confused.

 

You do not however have to put up with infedility. I would not. You are in a very tough spot. If you demand a choice from him, he could just hide his affairs and then you are very open to STD's. You cannot make someone not be gay. I would make sure that I have my finances in order and a place to go.

 

Keep us updated and good luck.

[Chitowngirl]

He is bi and wants to kiss other men. If you're ok with that, then I guess stay married. If you're not ok with it, divorce. Eventually the kissing of men will turn into sex with men. If you're ok with it...stay married. But remember that's not what you signed up for. I'm not sure if I would stay with my husband if 6 yrs later he says he is bi. I would feel lied to and wonder what other aspects of our marriage are false.

[Pleco]

Bisexuality is sexual behavior or an orientation involving physical attraction to both males and females.

The very definition of being bisexual is having ATTRACTION to both men and women. You don't have to act on your impulses to be bisexual. Read the definition, Buttnutter. You are taking this thread WAY off topic.

 

Anywho...OP, you seem like a really open-minded person. You even mentioned that you have had bisexual experiences yourself. The above posters are absolutely correct, your husband married you and you should expect him to stay 100% faithful to you if YOU wish. But, your husband is probably going through a pretty rough time himself. I am also bisexual, and I was raised in a very religious home. When I first admitted it to myself/acted on my attraction, I was pretty confused too. If you are okay with it, maybe you could have a threesome with him and another man?

 

If my guy told me this 6 years into a marriage, I would be more hurt at the fact that he had hidden it than anything else. And I would NOT be okay with him even "making out" with other men not in my presence. Your husband is undoubtedly confused right now, and he might make a decision in the heat of the moment that could expose both of you to STDs.

 

My boyfriend and I have lots of gay friends and I cannot tell you how common AIDS is in the gay scene. Please take my word for it!!!

 

If you want your husband to explore this new side of himself, please make sure that he only does it with your consent and in your presence, if you are okay with something like that. If not, then just be an open ear to him and help him figure this whole mess out. At least he did trust you enough to tell you (finally).