DudeMan27 Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 I dont really have much to say here just feeling low lately and want to pose a question. I know people heal at their own rate, but in about 6 weeks it will be one year broken up, and I dont feel any different than the day I walked crying out of her door. We still talk occasionally, mostly just through texts if I text first. But when I think "wow its almost been a year" it makes me feel that much more pathetic that I haven't been able to move on in the slightest. How do you get over that? I can't even find any other girls attractive. She has been practically around the world, got a new job and lovin life in the past year. I have let myself go, been laid off, and still cry. I feel so weak thinking about how much time has past and I'm right where I was last March.
teanoranges Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 You still talk to her... that's a major setback timewise for how long you'll hold on. I know everyone is different, and maybe you want to keep talking and don't want to do the NC thing. One day, it should go away (can't be sure though) but it will take much longer if she's still in your life. Plus, sometimes you have to strive to better yourself and forget... Fake it until its feels real.
TouchedByViolet Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 Dudeman, my advice is self-improvement 1 - Find a sport or exercise you enjoy and get on it. This will take your mind off the past, be fun, improve your health, and help you meet people. 2 - Try to find a job, or maybe go to school (how old are you?). Both will let you meet people and make new connections. 3 - Try to find a calling in your life.
clueless haha Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 just like TouchedByViolet said, SELF-IMPROVEMENT work out, whiten your smile , read a book, put yourself out there, have fun and you WILL feel better
GrayClouds Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Likely what your dealing with is things beyond the break-up as the break-up itself. It is often associated with issues stemming from earlier in your life. Pick up the book: The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life It not only will help give you tools to move on, likely it will help you understand why your having such a hard time letting go. Also go NC.
hopesndreams Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 I dont really have much to say here just feeling low lately and want to pose a question. I know people heal at their own rate, but in about 6 weeks it will be one year broken up, and I dont feel any different than the day I walked crying out of her door. We still talk occasionally, mostly just through texts if I text first. But when I think "wow its almost been a year" it makes me feel that much more pathetic that I haven't been able to move on in the slightest. How do you get over that? I can't even find any other girls attractive. She has been practically around the world, got a new job and lovin life in the past year. I have let myself go, been laid off, and still cry. I feel so weak thinking about how much time has past and I'm right where I was last March. Being in contact delays healing. You don't need to know how wonderful her life has been without you in it. Stop all contact for your own sanity. You need to break the addiction, go NC, in order to move on with your life. It's the only way.
D-Lish Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Start being proactive about healing. The number one change you need to make is cutting off any and all contact! I've held a torch for a guy I broke up with 13 months ago. I actually start to get better, feel better when I go a couple months without talking to him. Everytime he reinitiates contact with me, I slide backwards and it's like I am right back at the beginning.
nolanola Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 I am so with you on this one. My ex and I broke up "officially" in 2007, but continued a weird friend-type thing until spring 2008. Since that time, we still speak from time to time, mostly when he contacts me. I'm still not over him or the break-up and it's been almost 2 years!!! So I know what you mean when you say you feel pathetic. My ex dated someone pretty soon after we broke up, which killed me. I've been out with a guy or two, but like you, can't seem to find anyone that replaces my ex. I agree with one of the above posters that said that you're not over her because you still speak to her. I think this is a huge reason why I haven't been able to let go or move on. I know how hard it is. I've started NC a bunch of times only to have my resolve crumble when I get a text from him. I hate it - the thought of fully releasing him is painful and scary. But, it's probably the only thing that's going to help me heal myself. I hope you start to feel better...
Howitzer Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 I agree with the proactive part. It does take time for healing to take place, but you also have to take steps for yourself to get better. I don't know if you already do this, but get out, have fun with your friends, be physically active, listen to music, talk to girls, etc. You kind of have to force yourself to get started on these things. You won't feel motivated at first, but actions influence your mood.
0hpenelope Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 It took me a good 2 years to stop looking over my shoulder for the ex. It took another year to get over him. I took baby steps. I remember thinking that I wasn't recovering "fast enough," but I just decided to focus on small steps & think of them as big victories. No, I have absolutely NOT talked to or sent text messages to him since I told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore. Not even the Facebook drive-by when I had my main account. I don't want to know how he's doing, especially not at MY expense. :mad: Give yourself a little credit, OP. You're probably doing a lot better than you think. Also, your feelings of being downhearted is probably more compounded by the fact that you lost your job. Have you thought about the possibility of that being more of the root of your sadness rather than the break-up? Keep your chin up. Happiness is a choice.
Ilovecake Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 (edited) Yup I would agree with the other posters here. The fact that you still text her is the reason you have not been able to move on. You even said yourself you always initiate the contact. You know way too much about her life, you are way too involved. As long as you stay in contact with her you will not be able to move on. You can't sit around waiting for it to get better you have to go out there and make it better for yourself, no matter how difficult that might be. Also go see a therapist and get on some antidepressants. Edited February 3, 2010 by Ilovecake
jlr Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 I know how you feel. It's been more than a year now since my breakup. We broke up back in October of 2008. We stayed in contact off and on too. It was still with me every day. 2009 was terrible for me. Just before New Years we went no contact (for the second or third time since our breakup). The other times we've done it, it was sad. Sort of like, we need space thing. This time, it was angry. My ex is a really confused person who tries to pop into my life when hers sucks, and then when it's ok, i'm disposable to her. Even after telling me she still thinks about things and whatnot, a few days later she randomly just tells me to **** off. She didn't want to "bring this into the New Year". Though, I saw it coming. Being "friends" was just too hard. I advised against it from the start. Anyways, in the month or so since, I've noticed I'm getting a little better. In December, I was really bad. I wanted to die. I was a depressed mess. I realize now, most of it stemmed from still being in touch with her. That negative energy that was dragging me down, was due to the fact that she was still keeping her hold on my life. This time I decided to accept it. I decided it's time to work on moving on. I can't let this consume me forever. That doesn't mean it's easy. I still think about her daily. But in the past when I was crying and sometimes couldn't function, now I'm getting better at turning it off. My overall point is that it does take time. It's been over a year for me, and ****, I'm still not over it by any means. I still miss her. I'm just slowly starting to work on moving on. I know for my own sanity, this can't go on. But, I think it's only possible because that door is fully closed now. Don't be upset with the speed of your progress. It's a natural process that will happen on it's own. But, it may be time to cut the chord.
Author DudeMan27 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 I cant thank everyone enough for talking the time to read my posts and add your opinions/thoughts. I know in a way what i need to do. I went no contact for 3 months after we broke up, and we talked alot over the summer, really friendly. I feel this situation is different becuase there are no bad feelings in this breakup. This is the rare occasion where it was my fault. I didnt put enough into the relationship. I put my friends above her, often not realizing what i had. It boiled down to my low self-esteem and insecurities. I tried to find faults in her that were not there, and sometimes my attitude and distant behavior really hurt her. For example, we dated for nearly a year and a half, I never had one picture of us on facebook, and only one picture in my house of us that she made and gave me. What kind of relationship does that. I know I should let her go. I have for the most part, but this is different. She really is a wonderful person and in a way us being friendly does make me feel better for hurting her so much and killing our relationship. When things weren't going well, she was very open and honest, and would tell me exactly what needs to be done to fix it. And often times it just went in one ear and out the other until it was too late. I do work out everyday, but sometimes that doesnt help. I'm sorry to say that I've grown almost resentfull of my friends. A few of them are married and refuse to go out and do anything. They just want to sit at home. Another just got engaged to a girl he's been dating for only 8 months and they never leave each others side. Hanging around my friends is difficult. I dont think anyone likes any of the girls the others are with. My friends wife is so bossy and controlling, my other friend that just proposed, his parents are forcing him to sign a prenup because they don't even trust the girl their son is marrying. I just had another friend return from Iraq, only to find out his girlfriend had been cheating on him the whole time. Another friends gf is completely miserable. She's never happy and ALWAYS ruins everyones night because she always starts fights with her boyfriend when we are out. Hanging out with my friends is just a huge slap in the face reminding me what I had. My ex NEVER EVER did any of that stuff. No one had an unkind word to say about her. I think maybe a big problem is knowing how much greater my life would have been. I was never a big traveler. Content on just sitting home. She got me out and with her I went places I never even dreamed I'd be. Just this weekend, she has a friend who is a pro athlete, we were supposed to go to his wedding in Vegas together. We were supposed to go to Italy with her family last summer. She has 1,000 friends and there is always something goin on in her life. I sit at home alone each and every night. My friends no longer want to have fun. When I'm sitting on my couch alone all the time I can't help but think of what I would be doing instead on that night with her. Even if I do get out, and travel like I would have with her, I'd be doing it alone. I dont date a whole lot, as I live in a small town and meeting people is hard. I had this wonderful, beautiful, outgoing woman who was tons of fun, and I crapped on the relationship and now I have nothing. Im 28, I know some will say that is still young, but I truely feel like I missed my shot. We would have been together 2 1/2 years, I could be getting engaged this year. I could be traveling around the world. Its so difficult to compare the life I had with the life I do now and actually be happy. Damn near impossible
0hpenelope Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 You a football fan? Superbowl is this weekend! Have fun, go out w/ the boys and the girls and just live it up. Or hang out w/ the family? I'm not a fan, but the atmosphere that it lends to is just so happy. Even for just a few hours, could you indulge in temporarily forgetting? I'm not a barbeque fan, but I'm looking forward to the smells of ribs, beef patties, and chicken on the grill this weekend.
McGrupp Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 http://therealsavoy.blogspot.com/2009/05/classic-post-kill-beatrice.html read this and kinda breeze over the push to buy the crap they are pushing, but stick to the main points. also go NC im sure you felt better when you did NC for those 3 months...right? and why dont you go travel, get a new job, live your life. **** you already wasted 12 months or whatever.
kwyser Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 You have to focus on your life and improving your life. It can seem like the hardest thing in the world to do, but it has to be done. If you spend all of your time thinking about her you will never recover. Start exercising, spend time with friends, do something you have always wanted to do, and basically live the best life you can.
Odyssey Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 OP you can't move forward, if you keep looking back man. Ditch the texting and find the strength to start taking charge of your life again. I lost my ex and job at the same time last year...keeping contact just sets me back each time...got to the point where i hated and neglected myself...zero motivation. Then one day, it clicked and my old self saw what a pathetic loser i'd let myself become and kicked me into action! You can do it too...if only you stop letting it be all about her and take a good look at yourself. You'll kick your ass too.
nolanola Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 I can really relate to a lot of what you are saying. It's brutal to look at their life and compare it to yours. This is part of why I think NC is best. You don't know what they're doing so you can't spin it in your head into something that it isn't. She may well be the happiest person on earth who is having the most fun ever, but I doubt it really is that way. A lot of it is how you perceive it to be. Instead of looking at how great things are with her, focus on making things better for you. If she's so fabulous, then you must be pretty great too or she never would've been with you. Start trying to be nice to yourself. Sometimes I catch myself saying things to myself that I wouldn't say even to people I don't like. This doesn't help my self esteem at all. Try to say something positive to yourself - it's dopey but it helps. I'm trying to have a zen attitude about my ex. We had a lot of issues in our relationship, which is probably why we broke up. I know they can't be fixed right now (mostly because he's immature, but that's another story) so I try to think that perhaps at sometime in the future, we'll be able to be close again. Perhaps not. But I do know that sitting around waiting for him to grow up was killing me.
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