Philippian Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 I have been married for 10 years and had issues with looking for affection and pornography before I became married. For the first 8 years I bounced between being a great husband and still looking for affection from other women even though I still loved my wife, just didn't know how to show it. Three years ago it came to a head and I went to christian marriage counseling. I became saved and ended all connections to pornography and started walking the straight and narrow road. Last year I had to travel out of town to a funeral. During that time my wife contacted an ex she never got over and avoided taking my calls from the funeral. From when she picked me up from the airport she argued with me and then switched to making sure I was ok. Later she confided that she was not over him and he ended it and she opened pandora's box. Now he texts her and calls her and she says she can't stop because she says the feelings came back and because of the past she had with me that is what is justifying that she talks with him. He attended a funeral for his uncle last week and asked her to come, she attended the repass but took of her rings so no one would be asking questions because she did not want me to go. Now she says she wants to see him again but she is fighting because she knows I have made a change but she says I just have to wait for her to iron out what she wants to do but he keeps calling and texting her and told her thank you for your husband to mess up because he gave me a chance to steal you. I'm now following the "Love Dare" book and asking for any suggestions and advice.
Cranialrupture Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 Ok here's the deal. You are boring and old to her. She has found a new shiny object. She is feeding off the chemical reaction in the brain of the new and exciting. I hope you 'changed' for yourself and not her. If you change for someone else, the change almost never sticks. She has old pain and hurt from this ex that she has never faced and now here he is to calm her old pain and hurt. It's called living in the past. What a sad way to live. For someone who lives in the past it is pretty easy to predict the future. She will squelch this old pain with her old ex but in the mean time create a new one that she won't realize until later when the chemical reaction wears off. She will then try and band aid that one with another new relationship or seek you out again or live the rest of her life in regret. Her life is a broken record. It will continue to repeat itself. WOW what a life she has. Score!!! I WANT ONE OF THOSE....NOT!! What I would do is wish them the best. Show her the door and get working on YOU. If you truely believe in your religion and are working on staying on the straight and narrow. Then keep it up. Now is your time of trial and the path becomes really difficult. But if you stay focused on you and god, you won't wander from the path. If you wish to reconcile the best bet you have is to distance yourself from her as much as possible. Meaning NC. The excitement she is having with this OM will wear off. She will start to miss you and question herself about what she is doing. She will eat herself alive. If she truly loves you she will seek you out. If she does not, she won't seek you out and you are better off without her. DO NOT beg, plead, cry and whine to her. It will do NO good besides push her farther away. Get her out and learn to love and be happy with yourself!!
Author Philippian Posted February 2, 2010 Author Posted February 2, 2010 She was saved but now has friends that are not so they have influenced her to start cursing, even though before she would go to church and read the bible, now she doesn't.
hopesndreams Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 She has backslid. It's not your job to fix her. Is the EA a PA yet?
Author Philippian Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 I'm sorry I'm new to this. Oh it is not a physical affair. The weird this is in the morning she acts normal, calling me honey, baby, the normal pet names and after a while after him calling or texting her she starts to get headaches and gets frustrated because she says she is torn between us.
hopesndreams Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Have you cheated on her in the past? For the first 8 years I bounced between being a great husband and still looking for affection from other women even though I still loved my wife, If you have cheated, it's debatable whether or not you loved her. But, you did turn over a new leaf and gave your life to Christ, so it's a new you. Go back, in your mind, of the times you cheated. When you cheated, what did you feel? That is how she is feeling now. Do you want to waste any more time on her? You can't get her back and the M back on track as long as there is an OM. NC her completely. In fact, go so far as to pack her bags right now and show her the door. Doing this might snap her out of it. Do you have children?
Author Philippian Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 I have cheated on her mentally in the past. Never physical. But in a new conversation between your posts she called and said she needs to get her mindset right and she would love to stay with me it's just getting through our past and that might help her come back. I have taken your advice and cut down completely with contact, so she has been calling me checking on the kids and calling me honey, and asking me if I am ok and I speak to her calm, not begging and we ended up speaking for 30 minutes about other subjects in than the relationship and then ended she said She loved me before she had to go back into work.
hopesndreams Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Don't get your hopes up and keep your guard. Demand NC from her in regards to the OM. Get all passwords and access to her cell phone. She has proven to be untrustworthy and if she puts up a stink and refuses to do this, then you know she is playing you and stalling for time in order to set things up with the new fella.
floridapad Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Don't get your hopes up and keep your guard. Demand NC from her in regards to the OM. Get all passwords and access to her cell phone. She has proven to be untrustworthy and if she puts up a stink and refuses to do this, then you know she is playing you and stalling for time in order to set things up with the new fella. Yes be careful of that hope. But I wouldn't demand NC regarding the OM. Demand is a big word. Actions are louder than words/demands. My two cents would be to tell her that while she is still contemplating being with the OM you do not feel she is respecting your marriage and YOU need your space right now. Then go NC. She will break NC no doubt because she is confused. You have had an Emotional affair before. You know what she is going through. If she brings up the past, all you can really do is agree with her. You screwed up. You see that. Good luck. Keep the faith with the man upstairs and stay his course.
You Go Girl Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 My H was like that. After 6 years of lies about porn and other women, I don't trust anymore. Guess what? She's still angry. Yeah it's 3 years later. But for 8 years she kept trusting, and kept being lied to. I'm sorry to say this but, there's a good chance that she no longer thinks you are worth her undivided attention. Try acknowledging her anger, and validating it. Ask her if she feels it is revenge. If she says yes--ask her if it sometimes feels good to have her revenge. The tables have turned. Best of luck, I am just pointing out how she may feel--I certainly am not on her side, I'm neutral.
Author Philippian Posted February 6, 2010 Author Posted February 6, 2010 Well now we have hit a wall. She has said now that she loves me but she feels she has missed out on life and she deserved better and this OM is the better. Right now I am in shock and she explained a "sugar" version to the kids. Now our conversations are weird where "honey" will appear from her mouth but at the same time there is too much open air because I don't know what to say. MY preacher has said she has lost in and is spiraling down and is going down the wrong path. I understand right now she feels she can't trust me but it's gotten to the point today after she told me she left for her friend's house, the kids went to the movies and I'm alone at hmoe feeling unstable. Help...
hopesndreams Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 Follow this. Do not talk about the relationship with her anymore. No begging, no pleading--extremely important and also, do not leave your home! She wants out, she goes. When she gets back, leave. Go for a drive. A walk. Anything really. Don't tell her where you're going or what you will be up to either. Make her wonder. 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage. 4. Do not follow her around the house. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances. 8. Do not buy gifts. 9. Do not schedule dates together. 10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say "I Love You". 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic. 23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
lkjh Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 you got to man up and make her see that her actions have repercussions
Author Philippian Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 Thanks Hopesndreams. I did this last night, she was out with her friends and I wouldn't answer the phone or texts and she became worried to the point she was calling her brother to try to find me. I finally talked to her at 2 am from another area and she then wanted me to come home desperately so that is the route I'm going to take.
hopesndreams Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Thanks Hopesndreams. I did this last night, she was out with her friends and I wouldn't answer the phone or texts and she became worried to the point she was calling her brother to try to find me. I finally talked to her at 2 am from another area and she then wanted me to come home desperately so that is the route I'm going to take. Well done Phil. Following the 180 is very tough, but do continue to be consistent with it, otherwise it will backfire. You can only lighten up on the 180, when through her actions, not her words, she shows remorse, begs for forgiveness, sees the error of her ways and does all she can do to make things "right". She needs to make the choice to want to save her M. Until such time, if that ever happens, be on your guard. Keep working the 180, it will help you so if she doesn't do her part, you are going in the right direction to living life without her.
Author Philippian Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 Ok so the first day is done and she keeps asking if I'm ok. I'm noticing that she is getting more tired now, trying to do this double life is wearing her down but I'm only supporting her when she is here in a cordial way. Now some other "womens" issues are appearing and going on twice as long as they should. I think it's the stress, soon she just might crash.
Author Philippian Posted March 7, 2010 Author Posted March 7, 2010 Ok so now she goes over to his place and sleeps over every night leaving the kids with me because I had to come back because they don't listen to her anymore. They are 18 & 16 and she doesn't check on them until she comes back to change for work and then leaves. She can't keep a promise on us talking because she gets so wrapped up in him and then this weekend she was supposed to come in on Friday night early and talk but "somehow" she found herself at his place and has been there until today. Yes two nights and she only called her kids once. So I barraged her with showing her she is not being an mother and I see she has no power over herself. What now? Her parents and brother and friends all she is being stupid except for her since she is listening to this predator. Any advice?
mark982 Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 since she's sleeping there everynight. just make it full time, pack her crap. no need to subject yourself to her games. go for full custody, you wanna play, you gotta pay.
hopesndreams Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 Ok so now she goes over to his place and sleeps over every night leaving the kids with me because I had to come back because they don't listen to her anymore. They are 18 & 16 and she doesn't check on them until she comes back to change for work and then leaves. She can't keep a promise on us talking because she gets so wrapped up in him and then this weekend she was supposed to come in on Friday night early and talk but "somehow" she found herself at his place and has been there until today. Yes two nights and she only called her kids once. So I barraged her with showing her she is not being an mother and I see she has no power over herself. What now? Her parents and brother and friends all she is being stupid except for her since she is listening to this predator. Any advice? Pack up her stuff and change the locks. She is not only a neglectful mother she is a cheating wife. She willingly spends time in another man's arms and bed. The OM isn't forcing her. Don't allow your anger to be directed at the OM, it is her you need to blame, 100%. If it wasn't him, it would be some other dude. Adultery is a green light from God to end the marriage. The sooner you cut ties with this woman you no longer know, the sooner you can move on towards a new life, one without suffering.
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