jb89 Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 I posted this in the breakup section but I think it'd fit better in this forum. Ok, so I'm not going to include the copious amounts of details surrounded around this breakup, but rather, only the more recent happenings. Two weeks ago, my girlfriend told me she wanted out of the relationship, she told me what she didn't like, etc. She told me she felt like she was being smothered, wanted space, and I gave it to her. I decided to go with some advice and 5 days after the breakup I sent her a text telling her that I had been doing some thinking, and that I had agreed with the breakup, and thought it was for the best, and she quickly questioned what made me come to this decision. Two days following, I deleted her and all of our mutual friends from facebook, and upon her realizing that, I got 3 texts, 2 IMs, and she posted on her facebook and twitter that her 'day had just went to total sh*t.' The texts and IMs were asking me why I would do that. Several days later, she texted me and said "Yeah, we're done taking a break, I don't want a relationship anymore." I called her, very calmly, almost in a happy-sounding mood, asked her what brought her to that decision, she told me she was happier being alone, and I said, "Oh, ok. Well, take care!" She seemed incredibly confused. 5 days following this incident, she texted me asking if she could call me because she wanted to talk to me about something. I was busy that night, and I told her that I wouldn't be home. Yesterday, which was around 3 days after her texting me asking to call me, I texted her asking what she needed to talk about. She told me that she just wanted to see how I had been doing, and 'just talk,' nothing specific. I told her I'd be home most of the evening. She calls me, we talked for around 30 minutes. I made sure to keep the conversation about light topics, I didn't bring up the relationship, and I did my best to make most of the conversation focused around her, and made sure that when she started talking about things she enjoys, we stayed on those topics for as long as possible. We both laughed, and it was a good talk overall. I told her that it had been great talking to her, but I had to go because I had some stuff to do, and she told me not to get off the phone like that, because it's not like we were just acquaintances who should talk to one another like that. Another topic came up, then 5 minutes later I told her I did have to go because I had stuff to get done before going to sleep. The second we got off the phone, she began sending me picture messages and text messages of one of her hobbies we had been talking about on the phone. I was sure to be relatively short in my responses. She sent me one toward the end of the conversation, and it said "I'm going to bed. Goodnight." in which I replied "Night" Here's the question- Should I let her know that I'm not ready to be just friends, or will that make me seem needy and affected? I was thinking maybe the next time she tries contacting me, I'd just tell her that it was great talking to her, but that I'm not ready just yet to start being friends (obviously because I want more). Or is there another route I could take, that would potentially make her miss me more? I don't want her to get it in her head that I'm just going to be here for her when she wants/needs to talk, while she's potentially trying to get over me. I don't want her to get it in her head that I'm here for her if she needs to talk, while she is potentially trying to get over me, which she has shown every sign of trying to do. At the same time, I'm not sure how to go about staying no contact with her, without blatantly ignoring texts she sends me. Please help!
Limbo21 Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 Firstly ..... BRAVO!!!! you're doing amazing Answer to your question, your doing all the right things to make her miss you bar one important thing .... Nc! Basically you tell her you have feelings for her and find the whole 'friendship' thing to much to handle at present. As her to respect your wishes and then cut all contact the only way she will miss you is to lose you and so far that's not happened. Forget worrying if she will forget you cos she's already left you. You hve one weapon in your arsenal .... no contact. Use it and what will be will be
Author jb89 Posted February 2, 2010 Author Posted February 2, 2010 Wouldn't it seem somewhat needy, and make me seem affected and bothered by the breakup, if I told her that I wasn't ready to be 'just friends?' Someone brought that into perspective for me last night and it's overwhelming. I got a picture message today regarding something we talked about last night (her friend's new puppy) and I did not reply to it. Basically, what my friend told me, was that it'd be much more effective to be apathetic than to tell her that I'm not ready to be friends with her because i have feelings still. I can't help but agree with him to some extent, and I feel like maybe telling her that I'm not ready to be friends would show that I'm still very vulnerable?
Limbo21 Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 Nc is not really about manipulation, it's about you. To act nonchalant and apathetic may work but your not really being honest with her or yourself. You obviously have feelings for her ... Why not express them one final time before the long journey of nc? This could be the last roll of the dice .... Personally once my nc started I to was in a tizz cos I didn't emphasize my desire to work it out & she thought I wasn't bothered and she simply pulled the trigger before I could. After stewing on this I told her I wanted us to work it out. I got her back ... For a few mnths lol. No-one knows what the best course of action is apart from you as you know her & we don't. Kudos for your actions upto now but pretending to not care drove me insane and that's the reason I advise you to be adult, straight & honest with her
Author jb89 Posted February 2, 2010 Author Posted February 2, 2010 I understand what you're saying. I'm not really to the point of WANTING to move on, if you will, which is why I'm not sure that I want to make that 'one last roll of the dice' Did you go with telling her you wanted NC? or you just sort of stopped contacting her? I'm new to this so I'm trying to learn. I want whatever will maximize my chances of her missing me, but I also don't want her to see that I'm vulnerable and bothered.
Author jb89 Posted February 2, 2010 Author Posted February 2, 2010 Nc is not really about manipulation, it's about you. To act nonchalant and apathetic may work but your not really being honest with her or yourself. You obviously have feelings for her ... Why not express them one final time before the long journey of nc? This could be the last roll of the dice .... Personally once my nc started I to was in a tizz cos I didn't emphasize my desire to work it out & she thought I wasn't bothered and she simply pulled the trigger before I could. After stewing on this I told her I wanted us to work it out. I got her back ... For a few mnths lol. No-one knows what the best course of action is apart from you as you know her & we don't. Kudos for your actions upto now but pretending to not care drove me insane and that's the reason I advise you to be adult, straight & honest with her I did it. I told her that I know we had a great talk last night, but that I do still have feelings for her and I'm not ready to do the whole 'talking as friends' thing, and I asked her to just please respect my wishes in that I don't think we should talk for awhile. There was a few seconds pause before she said "Ok" in the most sad-sounding voice I had heard in awhile. We got off the phone, and 10 minutes later I got a text saying "I don't want you out of my life completely." and I feel rather accomplished. I think that this time apart will make her miss me, and will also give us both time to think about some things. I don't want to over-analyze it, but the fact that she sent that to me immediately sort of tells me that she's hurting a bit. Thank you for your advice by the way. It all makes such perfect sense.
Author jb89 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 A new complication has arisen, cool. I guess she just doesn't get the hint. She sent me another text saying "Thanks." because I didn't reply to her other text. If she sends me stuff like this, do I just continue to not reply? Or should I reinforce the fact to her that I want her to respect my wishes? It's like she just doesn't understand or something.
Von Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Jb. Don't fall for those type of txts. She's trying to get a rise out of you and give herself an ego boost when you respond. If you have decided to implement NC, then stick to it. That includes ignoring her. If you need to reinforce it do so. If not, The only contact from her you respond to is if she's says "I made a mistake, I want to work things out and start over". I've Been reading this forum for quite awhile now, you only respond to serious words or actions. My ex said the same little things to me... She was just stringing me along. If she indicates she wants to talk things over, decide to go with it or not, everything else is just breadcrumbs. Have some self respect. Your better than this. Your number 1 priority right now is moving on and healing. If something comes up then you decide whether or not to change that course. If it's too hard to do NC, you make one last attempt to lay it on the line and tell her how you feel. In an adult way with no pressure. If what she says is not what you want, do NC and disappear off the face of the earth. If she wants you back she will indicate so seriously. Ignore all the "hey what's up... How are you... Thanks... Are you ok... What's going on.... I miss you... Call me...." all of that. Those are string alongs. If it's more serious post it here and decide what to do. I hate it when people string others along, it's really messed up. Do the opposite of what you think you should do. She rejected you, reject her back. Give her a taste of her own medicine. She will only miss you when your gone, and when your in NC. This is only advice, take from it what you think is right.
Author jb89 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 Jb. Don't fall for those type of txts. She's trying to get a rise out of you and give herself an ego boost when you respond. If you have decided to implement NC, then stick to it. That includes ignoring her. If you need to reinforce it do so. If not, The only contact from her you respond to is if she's says "I made a mistake, I want to work things out and start over". I've Been reading this forum for quite awhile now, you only respond to serious words or actions. My ex said the same little things to me... She was just stringing me along. If she indicates she wants to talk things over, decide to go with it or not, everything else is just breadcrumbs. Have some self respect. Your better than this. Your number 1 priority right now is moving on and healing. If something comes up then you decide whether or not to change that course. If it's too hard to do NC, you make one last attempt to lay it on the line and tell her how you feel. In an adult way with no pressure. If what she says is not what you want, do NC and disappear off the face of the earth. If she wants you back she will indicate so seriously. Ignore all the "hey what's up... How are you... Thanks... Are you ok... What's going on.... I miss you... Call me...." all of that. Those are string alongs. If it's more serious post it here and decide what to do. I hate it when people string others along, it's really messed up. Do the opposite of what you think you should do. She rejected you, reject her back. Give her a taste of her own medicine. She will only miss you when your gone, and when your in NC. This is only advice, take from it what you think is right. This makes a lot of sense. I am going along with not replying to her texts telling me she doesn't want me out of her life completely, etc. Went she originally told me she wanted some space a week and a half ago, I confronted her and told her that I wanted to make sure she wasn't leading me along and she told me "I love you, I'm not stringing you along." All the signs are there that she is though, so I'm just going to assume that's what she's doing. It's so damn hard to tell sometimes because I care so much.
NopeNah Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Good advice in here! Follow it! If you respond to every little text she sends, you are helping her move on.
Author jb89 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 Good advice in here! Follow it! If you respond to every little text she sends, you are helping her move on. I fully agree! I have ceased all contact with her. I didn't reply to her texts tonight, nor do I plan on doing so any time soon. Thank you everyone who has posted in here. I'm trying my best to get over her at this point. I miss her like hell though, and can only hope she will start to miss me sometime soon.
Limbo21 Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Those texts are to see if you really mean nc. It's a long and arduous road ahead but you've done the hard work .... It's now time to grow, learn & use those broken hearted feelings to your advantage. I won't re-iterate many points listed in LS but if you answer her then she won't miss you ... It really is as simple as that ... Bet your glad your not just ignoring her without telling her first you still love her. My mistake brother and one I would advise to best avoid for the sake of your sanity Oh, and if you guys do get back together, make sure the reason you split has been discussed and resolved. Another one of my mistakes lol
Author jb89 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 Those texts are to see if you really mean nc. It's a long and arduous road ahead but you've done the hard work .... It's now time to grow, learn & use those broken hearted feelings to your advantage. I won't re-iterate many points listed in LS but if you answer her then she won't miss you ... It really is as simple as that ... Bet your glad your not just ignoring her without telling her first you still love her. My mistake brother and one I would advise to best avoid for the sake of your sanity Oh, and if you guys do get back together, make sure the reason you split has been discussed and resolved. Another one of my mistakes lol I'm standing my ground thus far, even though it's only been a day of NC. I don't think I've ever been so tempted to respond to her. Especially seeing that Valentine's day is right around the corner and that we were supposed to spend it together, it's going to be interesting to see if she ends up doing something with the guy she's "friends" with. Major downgrade if she does, lol.
Author jb89 Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 Ok, I figured I'd just provide an update for anyone who is/was actually following this, and I'm asking for a bit of input. Out of chance, an ex girlfriend I broke up with a few years back, asked me today if I wanted to get dinner sometime soon, since we've been talking about it forever but never followed through, so I agreed, and we're doing this next week. On one hand I'm glad I can see myself starting to get move on past this situation, and not sitting in my room beating myself up, but at the same time, I know I'm going to compare everything to my most recent ex..I'm not the most positive person. My question for anyone reading this...this is my third day of official NC (The two weeks prior to this week, there was an occasional text or two, nothing significant) and I'm trying to decide whether or not I should send her a valentine's day card. I already told her that I do still have feelings with her, and don't wish to talk to her, but would it be further proof to her, such as "hmm, maybe he does still really care?" or would it seem like I'm just not getting over her? Opinions?
CaliGuy Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 *scratches head* I still don't understand why people are assuming that somehow NC is to be used a tool to manipulate people back in your life. I mean honestly, if you have to twist someone's arm to come back to you, it isn't going to last. They either come back or their own (through no manipulative effort on your part) or they don't. It's that simple. You can SCREW up a second chance by calling, sending flowers, begging, pleading and trying to MAKE them want/love you. It's not gonna happen, but you can try it if you have no self-respect or confidence. NC is simply the quickest way to heal. It's going "cold turkey" with your ex. Just like quitting any other "nasty" habit, cold turkey is the best way to go. What your ex is doing, OP, especially by wanting to keep a friendship open is to keep you on the back burner. You're an OPTION in her life, not a priority. Do you really want to burn so much emotional energy on someone who doesn't want to be with you? Not me, bro. I will never, EVER waste my time on someone who isn't making me a priority. There are far too many women out there interested in me to waste my time on the ones who aren't... Cheers.
Author jb89 Posted February 6, 2010 Author Posted February 6, 2010 *scratches head* I still don't understand why people are assuming that somehow NC is to be used a tool to manipulate people back in your life. I mean honestly, if you have to twist someone's arm to come back to you, it isn't going to last. They either come back or their own (through no manipulative effort on your part) or they don't. It's that simple. You can SCREW up a second chance by calling, sending flowers, begging, pleading and trying to MAKE them want/love you. It's not gonna happen, but you can try it if you have no self-respect or confidence. NC is simply the quickest way to heal. It's going "cold turkey" with your ex. Just like quitting any other "nasty" habit, cold turkey is the best way to go. What your ex is doing, OP, especially by wanting to keep a friendship open is to keep you on the back burner. You're an OPTION in her life, not a priority. Do you really want to burn so much emotional energy on someone who doesn't want to be with you? Not me, bro. I will never, EVER waste my time on someone who isn't making me a priority. There are far too many women out there interested in me to waste my time on the ones who aren't... Cheers. I just finished reading your NC Q&A which helped, a LOT, so thank you so much for that. At this point I'm doing my best to just try to get over her. I know that I've done all I can do, I've been honest with her, etc. This was my fourth day of no contact and I'm still thinking about her quite a bit, and unfortunately, I'm snowed in at the moment so I can't really do much as far as surrounding myself with friends to take my mind off things. As far as hoping for a second chance, and trying to manipulate her...I didn't really include it in my story, but the whole "how we started dating" story is sort of odd. Two summers ago, I went to stay with her for a week (she was living pretty far away) and we both felt a connection, but she didn't want to date because of the distance at the time, and I was obviously upset by this. She dated another guy for around 4 months and broke up with him, and told him he'd never really compare to me. I received texts from her every day containing a heart, regardless of how I'd reply to it. She knew I was pissed at her for previous happenings, and I went through some real sh*t in my life, and she was there for me when I needed someone to talk to, and we really opened up, and we ended up seeing each other, dating, and falling in love. So all in all, it's a matter of "she missed me a lot before, and ended up coming back to me, so maybe it'll happen again," but I'm trying my best to keep that as far in the back of my head as possible, and not even think about it
Limbo21 Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 I wouldn't suggest nc for anything but a chance to clear your head, emotions & a tool to help you move on, BUT nc also has a natural bi-product for reconciliation. It may sound manipulative but your seizing the power back, showing your strength and that's not only attractive but it gives the dumper a chance to reflect that their decision is being implimented by you & you are quite serious about moving on .... This may heighten their feelings of loss, love & just plain missing you. At this stage you only have one option and that's nc and that has 2 endings .... 1 - you move on. 2 - she realises your not playing silly games and asks for reconciliation. Don't care what anyone says cos it's happened to many people I know (I'm 40 so have some life experiance) including me join the gym, find a hobby, read loads, improve yourself & keep up the good work
Author jb89 Posted February 6, 2010 Author Posted February 6, 2010 I swear if it were not for the people on this forum and the advice you guys give me, I wouldn't have made it this far. I just received a text from her saying "I need to talk to you." and I didn't even take a second glance at it, I just set my phone down. I'm beginning to feel the power of NC, and I feel like I'm actually starting to get over the situation. 5 minutes after getting that and not replying, she sent me a second one saying "Why the f*ck are you ignoring me?" I don't want to initiate contact with her by any means, but it's almost like she doesn't understand that I was serious when I said I didn't want to talk. Do I reiterate the concept of not wanting to talk to her? I told her strictly that I have feelings for her still, and that talking to her as 'just friends' is too much for me to handle right now, and that I want her to respect my wishes in that I don't want to talk for awhile. She said ok, but it's like she didn't take it seriously. Some input on this would be greatly appreciated, but I am sticking to NC.
Limbo21 Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 (edited) You are in the exact same position I was in about 3 mnths ago. Can't speak for anyone else but I found it simply impossible to implement nc without telling her I loved her and wanted us to work it out .... At that point the ball was firmly in her court & she was clear to my intentions ... Only then could I ignore the 'please talk to me, I have something really important to tell you' messages (that message btw was just a ploy to get me to speak - I didn't) Now my ex is slightly mental (if only I'd have seen that past her stunning good looks beforehand) so she would even write me every week, have flowers sent to me??? ring, text and search dating websites looking for a profile she could accuse me of placing?? I know you want her back so the tricky part is knowing when to actually speak to her again. I personally waited for 'i want you back, I love you, you are everything I want, you're my soulmate', .... even then after I called she would eventually pull away again & that happened 3 times which goes back to caliguys mantel, once they dump you, it's over forever.... I'm more of a romantic than that and believe it's possible to live happily ever after Keep us posted Edited February 6, 2010 by Limbo21
Author jb89 Posted February 6, 2010 Author Posted February 6, 2010 You are in the exact same position I was in about 3 mnths ago. Can't speak for anyone else but I found it simply impossible to implement nc without telling her I loved her and wanted us to work it out .... At that point the ball was firmly in her court & she was clear to my intentions ... Only then could I ignore the 'please talk to me, I have something really important to tell you' messages (that message btw was just a ploy to get me to speak - I didn't btw) Now my ex is slightly mental (if only I'd have seen that past her stunning good looks beforehand) so she would even write me every week, have flowers sent to me??? ring, text and search dating websites looking for a profile she could accuse me of placing?? I know you want her back so the tricky part is knowing when to actually speak to her again. I personally waited for 'i want you back, I love you, you are everything I want, you're my soulmate', .... even then after I called she would eventually pull away again & that happened 3 times which goes back to caliguys mantel, once they dump you, it's over forever.... I'm more of a romantic than that and believe it's possible to live happily ever after Keep us posted That's exactly how I'm looking at it. As said before, the texts she's sending me now seem to be like almost a questioning confirmation to see if I'm serious about not talking, and like breadcrumbs to try to get me to talk to her. I fell for it before but not again. Either that or she really is just too stubborn to see that I'm not trying to talk to her because I want to get over her. I've been telling myself since I initiated NC that I'm also going to wait for that text saying "I want to talk about the relationship" before replying to anything else she sends to me to try to get me to talk to her. Inevitably, she sent the sarcastic "Thank you." text after I didn't reply to the previous two I mentioned in my last post. I'll keep you posted, thanks for reading
CaliGuy Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 That's exactly how I'm looking at it. As said before, the texts she's sending me now seem to be like almost a questioning confirmation to see if I'm serious about not talking, and like breadcrumbs to try to get me to talk to her. I fell for it before but not again. Either that or she really is just too stubborn to see that I'm not trying to talk to her because I want to get over her. I've been telling myself since I initiated NC that I'm also going to wait for that text saying "I want to talk about the relationship" before replying to anything else she sends to me to try to get me to talk to her. Inevitably, she sent the sarcastic "Thank you." text after I didn't reply to the previous two I mentioned in my last post. I'll keep you posted, thanks for reading No text. If she's not beating your door down to talk to you, she isn't serious....everything is breadcrumbs until that happens.
Author jb89 Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 No text. If she's not beating your door down to talk to you, she isn't serious....everything is breadcrumbs until that happens. Well that can't really physically happen because she lives a few hours away, but I'm settling for a phone call or text saying that she wants to discuss the relationship, or something along those lines. It honestly seems like she just doesn't understand it, and she's too think headed to realize that I was serious when I said that I didn't want to talk to her. that's the only explanation I can think of for her thinking I'm just blatantly ignoring her.
CaliGuy Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 I'm just blatantly ignoring her. Well, that is what NC is all about. You ignore everything, blatantly, until either such a time as you are healed 100% (ideally) or they realize they made a mistake (not the best option)...
Author jb89 Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 Well, that is what NC is all about. You ignore everything, blatantly, until either such a time as you are healed 100% (ideally) or they realize they made a mistake (not the best option)... I got that much, but it's a matter of being convinced that she really just does not understand the concept of it, and thinks I'm ignoring her just to spite her or something, it's affecting my ability to heal, big time.
Limbo21 Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 You've told her how you feel, she knows what she has to do .... Stay strong! It's gets harder before it gets easier but to pick the phone up now would bring nothing but heartache, a major setback in regards to how she thinks she can treat you, possibly falling into the friends catagory & just decreases your self esteem with further rejection. To move on &/or to possibly win a second chance the only option you have is no contact On a side note I think the time frame for full healing, depending the length of the relationship is literally months & often years.
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