kiran Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 If NC is meant for me to forget about him and give me a chance to heal, wouldn't it have the same effect on him? By not contacting him, isn't it easier for him to forget about me; if he's not hearing from me and I 'drop off the face of the earth', isn't it easier for him to move on with his life? I don't want to make it that easy for him. Yesterday I posted a really nasty email I wanted to send but (thankfully) so many of you here told me not to and I listened. I am just worried if he doesn't hear from me, it will be easier for HIM to move on.
LostInLimbo Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 Im only reading one of your post, but why wouldn't you want to let him heal?, sorry Kiran, did he break up with you or you with him? really shouldn't matter, when it comes down to it, your both going to need time to heal.. Best of Luck LiL
Author kiran Posted February 2, 2010 Author Posted February 2, 2010 He broke up with me, suddenly, almost 2 weeks ago - told me he loves me but he has a young girl he's messing with and "has to do this right now". I think it's a midlife crisis; he's drinking a lot too (unusual for him). The little contact we've had has been cordial and we last 'talked' on Thursday last week. We have a house and a daughter to work out. He stopped by to see her and wouldn't make eye contact with me; I was unemotional and did well. He left and we haven't talked since. Right now, I am overwhelmed with feelings of revenge so NO - I don't want him to heal. He doesn't deserve it. Im only reading one of your post, but why wouldn't you want to let him heal?, sorry Kiran, did he break up with you or you with him? really shouldn't matter, when it comes down to it, your both going to need time to heal.. Best of Luck LiL
sean1970 Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 Right now, I am overwhelmed with feelings of revenge so NO - I don't want him to heal. He doesn't deserve it. From what you have said, and when your self worth returns, revenge will turn into pity. While almost impossible to say in a way that actually motivates so soon after, you need to realize that your efforts need to be focused on you and your children. What are you doing for you and them?
Ilovecake Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 OK I've read a couple of things you have posted on this site and it seems like you are obsessing and putting all your energy into a guy who told you you are not good enough for him and who has replaced you with a newer model. Every ounce of energy you put into this loser is energy taken away from your heeling and from your kid. Don't be a neglectful parent and show some pride by not chasing someone who does not want to be with you.
Angel1111 Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 I don't think NC is for every situation but, in your case, I'd definitely stop talking to the guy. Besides, people totally underestimate the power of silence. It tends to ring in their ears pretty loudly. Not contacting someone because they ended it with you, and not being contacted by someone that you ended the relationship with, are two different animals. If you're not contacting them, then you're letting yourself slowly heal, without all the obsessing. When a person is not being contacted because they ended it and now they have the experience of having lost you, that can come back to bite them instead of making them feel like they're healing. They start to wonder what you're doing, why you're not calling, why you're handling the break-up so well. And then usually it changes the level of respect they have for you because they expected you to die without them, to beg and plead, to never smile again - and they're surprised to realize that you seemed to have moved on. This is usually the effect it has. As one author says, it takes about 90 days for a guy to draw any real conclusions about a relationship after a break-up. If he hasn't contacted you around the 90-day mark, you're probably not going to hear from him. She says that this timeframe is uncannily accurate (from the book 'Getting To 'I Do' "). Give him time. I'm guessing that he'll be back and that NC will have its effect. The question is, what are you going to do about it if he does want you back? Could you really be with him again after this? If anyone ever dumped me without any warning, they wouldn't get a second chance.
sunrae Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 NC is to help YOU heal and get over the hurt... Dont worry about him. Worry about yourself... You dont need that crappy loser anyway, youre much better than that.. And good for you for not sending the email.
broncosfrk83 Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 As one author says, it takes about 90 days for a guy to draw any real conclusions about a relationship after a break-up. If he hasn't contacted you around the 90-day mark, you're probably not going to hear from him. She says that this timeframe is uncannily accurate (from the book 'Getting To 'I Do' "). Does the same apply for a women? How long is a good amount of time before u know they arent coming back?
jwork313 Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 Stay with the no contact. The main thing in all of this is to focus on yourself. Would you want a family member to be hung up over a jerk who made you feel beneath him? I have been through something similar. I had an ex who basically said I wasn't good enough for her spiritually and with my health. I obsessed over her because I was so hurt. Really who cares if he is getting over it or not? The more you dwell on that, the more obvious it is that he still has a hold on you. I was unwise after my breakup and kept calling my ex. It just prolonged my healing process.
Angel1111 Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 Does the same apply for a women? How long is a good amount of time before u know they arent coming back? I don't know for sure but I'd say the timeframe is probably about the same. Of course, there are always exceptions and sometimes people come back 6 mos later. The 90-day mark is just a rule-of-thumb kind of thing.
skydiveaddict Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 He broke up with me, suddenly, almost 2 weeks ago - told me he loves me but he has a young girl he's messing with and "has to do this right now". Right now, I am overwhelmed with feelings of revenge so NO - I don't want him to heal. He doesn't deserve it. The cold truth is he doesn't need to "heal" from anything. He betrayed you and treated you like s..t . I'm sure this new girl he's seeing is providing him with all the "therapy" he needs to heal. And besides you're right, he doesn't deserve it anyway.
HeavenOrHell Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 NC will help you heal (I need to listen to my own advice ) It can also have the effect of making your ex miss you, that has happened to me in the past, ex missed me after NC and came back. If they forget you then it wasn't meant to be. From what I remember your ex isn't worth being with anyway! If NC is meant for me to forget about him and give me a chance to heal, wouldn't it have the same effect on him? By not contacting him, isn't it easier for him to forget about me; if he's not hearing from me and I 'drop off the face of the earth', isn't it easier for him to move on with his life? I don't want to make it that easy for him. Yesterday I posted a really nasty email I wanted to send but (thankfully) so many of you here told me not to and I listened. I am just worried if he doesn't hear from me, it will be easier for HIM to move on.
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