HeyThere Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 I’ve read several very sad, depressing threads in this section that shout emotional abuse. The poster has been mentally beaten down by their spouse, that the OP doesn’t even know which way is up; or if they do, then they are afraid to do anything about it. My wish is that the afflicted poster would eventually be able to recognize the abuse and respond in an appropriate manner by getting the help needed. In most cases the fear factor keeps them trapped in the situation and I end up feeling the futility of reaching out into a floating cyber space. Are there others here with these feelings? Suggestions?
GetSomeKevlar Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 I think this is a hugely underrated issue. My wife heaps tons of abuse on me in the form of anger, nagging, put-downs, and bouts of snide remarks. I knew it was affecting me when I spilled a glass of water on the table, and even though I was alone in the house, I could "hear" her yelling about it and my body reacted as such. But the internet and the bookstores tend to write about women who are verbally abused by men as opposed to the other way around.
Author HeyThere Posted February 2, 2010 Author Posted February 2, 2010 I’m reading about emotional abuse “EA” occurring with both sexes being subject to this manipulation, anger, insecurity and put downs. It is never one issue only, nor is it an isolated incident. At least you’re (GetSomeKevlar) able to recognize the behavior for what it is and hopefully make an adjustment. Several of the threads I’m referring to (with men and women) the distressed spouse seems frozen in their tracks by the offender. This usually has been happening for a period of time and the EA spouse is fearful to speak up, lest they be ridiculed ignored, yelled at….
Ashkayi Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 I go through it everyday. I literally walk on eggshells because I never know what will set him off. Hes never hit me. There has been times where I thought he would. According to his ex wife he was physically abusive to her but from what I heard they were both abusive to one another. He has a issue with behavior and reality which leads me to think hes bipolar. Ive done a lot of research and figured it out that there has to be something psychologically wrong with him.. Heres an example. Hes laying in the bed, head resting on the pillow. I come up to him and lay down on him and start kissing him. He starts to get angry and I can feel it in his kiss and I place myself in a state where im prepared for it.. He gets upset because he said i wasnt fully coming all the way down to his face to kiss him, and he had to hold his head, which was a lie, and i was, and always do make the first moves on all aspects. I do everything around the house and he is the laziest person ive ever met. He will say hes not, that he does more than me, that he makes all the first moves and actually feels as though he does, when in fact, he doesnt and everyone around knows. He is very verbally abusive when hes angry, and i have a tendency of forgetting that he has a issue and i go off because after 2 1/2 years of putting up with it, I cant stand it when i know theres no reason in the world why he should be arguing or upset. I love him dearly and i feel as though if i wasnt with him, hed be in jail or dead. He is reckless and he is careless, very stubborn and all of his friends pretty much keep their distance. His family blames the ex wife, I however see that it isnt just me he treats this way, he treats his parents, friends, co workers, children with aggression and anger for no reason. He will say he has patience, but he lacks it all together. There is no excuse for it, but i live it everyday.
angie2443 Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 I've been wanting to respond to this, but am not sure of the best way to do it. My view on this is that the abuse will often continue untill the abused partner sees the role they play in the situation. I do not mean that the abused partner is responsible for the other partner's behavior. Rather, if a person is emotionally abused over and over and continues to stay, they have only themselves to blame for their situation. It is only when the person taking the verbal punches realizes that they're allowing it, that they can put an end to the abuse. Maybe this sounds harsh. I've been there though. The only to get out of a bad situation, is to grow a backbone and get yourself out in what ever way you can.
Author HeyThere Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 I've been wanting to respond to this, but am not sure of the best way to do it. My view on this is that the abuse will often continue untill the abused partner sees the role they play in the situation. I do not mean that the abused partner is responsible for the other partner's behavior. Rather, if a person is emotionally abused over and over and continues to stay, they have only themselves to blame for their situation. It is only when the person taking the verbal punches realizes that they're allowing it, that they can put an end to the abuse. Maybe this sounds harsh. I've been there though. The only to get out of a bad situation, is to grow a backbone and get yourself out in what ever way you can. Absolutely, the emotionally abused spouse needs to stand up for their dignity and express their feelings clearly and repeatedly. In some cases the abuser wakes up to the poor attitudes and behaviors and reinvents a healthier person and relationship. In other cases it’s clear to make a change. Ashkayi, has your husband ever been to a psychiatrist to determine if he is bipolar? If not, why? Certainly the anger issues alone (if not bipolar) should be addressed by a professional. Don’t you agree?
wheelwright Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 EA is very difficult to recognise for what it is. This is compounded if you were a victim in childhood, or if it borderline and disguised as humour. Once I recognised it, I began to overgeneralise and see it where it was not. There is the problem that having been blind, you are not quite capable of seeing 'true'. The (borderline) abuser can change if they too recognise the unhealthy dynamic, but it's hard. And it's hard to forgive, I think especially as the 'victim' has such a big role to play. You have to forgive yourself too maybe? Why do they stay if it goes on? Perhaps they are not good at taking control of their lives in other ways. Perhaps they are married to their misery. Perhaps they want to witness what their kids go through, rather than leave them with an EA partner, even if they can't help that much. Perhaps they like the way their EA partner depends on them despite the abuse. So many possibilities. And it depends how subtle it is. How acceptable in the wider circles you meet up with together. There are so many forms and intensities - how do we evaluate when to throw in the towel? Like most 'disorders' there is a scale, not an either or. The limit and the way we deal with it will be different for each of us. What we are used to will help predict what we put up with. Sometimes it takes an outside party to help us see the light of day.
Author HeyThere Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 EA is very difficult to recognise for what it is. This is compounded if you were a victim in childhood, or if it borderline and disguised as humour. Once I recognised it, I began to overgeneralise and see it where it was not. There is the problem that having been blind, you are not quite capable of seeing 'true'. The (borderline) abuser can change if they too recognise the unhealthy dynamic, but it's hard. And it's hard to forgive, I think especially as the 'victim' has such a big role to play. You have to forgive yourself too maybe? Why do they stay if it goes on? Perhaps they are not good at taking control of their lives in other ways. Perhaps they are married to their misery. Perhaps they want to witness what their kids go through, rather than leave them with an EA partner, even if they can't help that much. Perhaps they like the way their EA partner depends on them despite the abuse. So many possibilities. And it depends how subtle it is. How acceptable in the wider circles you meet up with together. There are so many forms and intensities - how do we evaluate when to throw in the towel? Like most 'disorders' there is a scale, not an either or. The limit and the way we deal with it will be different for each of us. What we are used to will help predict what we put up with. Sometimes it takes an outside party to help us see the light of day. You’ve keen insights on this topic, and the subtle abuses go along with the not so subtle ones. Recognizing the more subtle of abuses are harder and with help lead the abused out of the swamp. Thanks again.
mem11363 Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 My wife and I have known this couple for almost 20 years. - She is charming and funny and smart and aggressive - sadly she is also totally self focused and a bully to her husband. - He is nice and kind and generous and way less charming than she is. He is also less aggressive. He just filed for divorce - he checked out of the marriage about 2-3 years ago and finally got up the strength to pull the trigger. He just wasn't willing to take it anymore. She is now a 50 year old woman who hasn't aged very well - I wonder how she will find her dating experiences. He has a great job and is very fit. I think he is going to find someone much nicer this go around You’ve keen insights on this topic, and the subtle abuses go along with the not so subtle ones. Recognizing the more subtle of abuses are harder and with help lead the abused out of the swamp. Thanks again.
zwieback.toast Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 My wife and I have known this couple for almost 20 years. - She is charming and funny and smart and aggressive - sadly she is also totally self focused and a bully to her husband. - He is nice and kind and generous and way less charming than she is. He is also less aggressive. He just filed for divorce - he checked out of the marriage about 2-3 years ago and finally got up the strength to pull the trigger. He just wasn't willing to take it anymore. She is now a 50 year old woman who hasn't aged very well - I wonder how she will find her dating experiences. He has a great job and is very fit. I think he is going to find someone much nicer this go around I say Bravo! for your friend. Reading some of the threads posted by an assortment of delusional women who have affairs on their husband, one can expect that the scenario you describe will be repeated multiple times, as these wonderful ladies "age out" of whatever physical attractiveness keeps their abused husbands on the leash.
mem11363 Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Ideally the way this works - mostly you are nice because you love them. But when you are tempted to be bad - what stops you is that you have a healthy fear of them. I KNOW I fear my wife just as she has a healthy fear of me. I say Bravo! for your friend. Reading some of the threads posted by an assortment of delusional women who have affairs on their husband, one can expect that the scenario you describe will be repeated multiple times, as these wonderful ladies "age out" of whatever physical attractiveness keeps their abused husbands on the leash.
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