Ivan Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 If someone punched you during an argument for the first time but hours later apologized, promising never to do it again should you still break up? What if you were 4 months away from getting married?
Trialbyfire Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 I would leave and not get married, bar none. Domestic violence of any form, is unacceptable.
JamesM Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 If someone punched you during an argument for the first time but hours later apologized, promising never to do it again should you still break up? Yes...if it were as simple as you say. What if you were 4 months away from getting married? Should be even more of a yes. It is a warning of things to come. The problem is that these situations never seem as clear to the person who is in such a situation.
Author Ivan Posted February 2, 2010 Author Posted February 2, 2010 I would leave and not get married, bar none. Domestic violence of any form, is unacceptable. I know but think about all those years you invested with that person. You never thought they would react that way and you were unprepared, it was suddenly without any warning. To the people that manage to still stayed with them, how did they got over that incidence?
Trialbyfire Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 Years of past investment are nothing, compared to potentially decades of future physical and/or emotional violence. If people are capable of doing it once, they're capable of doing it again.
reboot Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 You aren't really giving us many details, so my answer would be "it depends". However, in the case of physical violence, "Run Forrest Run" should probably be your first inclination.
Author Ivan Posted February 2, 2010 Author Posted February 2, 2010 Yes...if it were as simple as you say. To tell you the truth it would have been easier leaving them if they cheated on you. It would let you know they never cared about you in the first place but this is harder to forget. You are left wondering who is that person you've dating the whole time. If it was just a one time incidence or are they prone to behave the same in the future? Have they ever done this to someone else? All these unanswered questions.
jwi71 Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 If someone punched you during an argument for the first time but hours later apologized, promising never to do it again should you still break up? What if you were 4 months away from getting married? Cancel the wedding because you can't get married when the fiancee is in jail for domestic violence. Call 911 NOW. He can say I'm sorry to the judge and his cell mate. NO exceptions. NO excuses. His gone. Period. Why do I already know the answer to this.... this isn't the first violent outburst you've seen is it?
Disintegration Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 The line has been crossed the minute someone puts their hands on you. Physically punching you can only be a sign of what may be in store. It would be a lot harder to get out of a marriage than it is to just break up. I understand it was the first time, and you have a lot invested in your relationship, but what if it happens again? That is great that there was an apology given but I would explain that that is not the way to handle any situation, and for them to get help before it escalates into something more. You still have time, the wedding isn't until 4 months away, you have to make sure the person you are with now wont be the abusive person you will end up marrying. Think about it. You will do what you want, but trust me domestic violence isn't right nor should it be tolerated either.
Author Ivan Posted February 2, 2010 Author Posted February 2, 2010 You aren't really giving us many details, so my answer would be "it depends". Well lately as a result of being engaged, she'd spend more time drinking with female friends. When confronted about it, her reason because out of excitement from getting married. My parents always had doubts about her, which I never quite understood but they never liked her (still don't). She is aware of this and it has caused several arguments. Anyways I had the key on my hand so she doesn't go clubbing again. She began getting irritated about how it's disgraceful on my part for not getting her go out with her friends, leading to an argument. She kept repeating to give her the keys and I would not (I was doing it in a playful way). The next thing I know is she punched me. However, in the case of physical violence, "Run Forrest Run" should probably be your first inclination. It would be great if this was easy.
Author Ivan Posted February 2, 2010 Author Posted February 2, 2010 Cancel the wedding because you can't get married when the fiancee is in jail for domestic violence. Call 911 NOW. He can say I'm sorry to the judge and his cell mate. NO exceptions. NO excuses. His gone. Period. Why do I already know the answer to this.... this isn't the first violent outburst you've seen is it? What if it's a woman?
Disintegration Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 It is still domestic violence even if a women is the aggressor. Did she punch you in the face?
reboot Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 It would be great if this was easy. Then tell her it's some serious counseling and anger management classes or the wedding is off. If you love her, I have no problem with you making a serious effort to keep her. Simply ignoring it will probably lead to real regret on your part down the road though.
reboot Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 It is still domestic violence even if a women is the aggressor. Did she punch you in the face? Yes, it's absolutely still domestic violence if it's a woman.
JamesM Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 Could you give a bit more detail? You might get some clearer advice. Are you a guy and a woman punched you? Are you a woman and a guy punched you? Is this about someone you know and not you? Was the incident sparked by some major argument or was it a simple problem? Was the punch in response to a minor error or to a major problem? Did the person have alcohol or drugs prior to the "punch?" Do you trust the person not to punch you (or the victim) again? Is there any doubt that this is not a one time abuse? I know that if it happened to me as a guy and it were my gf...and assuming that it is the person who is now my wife (meaning I had really loved her), then it would certainly not be easy to walk away. You are not only dealing with the one whom you love, but you are doubting that you are making the correct decision. On top of that, you have the public criticisms and questions. And then there is the embarrassment. The decision is not easy no matter what direction you choose. Another option that is available is counseling for the one who did the abuse. What caused it and why? Was it out of anger and frustration? Is it due to not being able to control the anger? If this is something that seems like a continuation of an already present problem such as this person has always been the angry type who is verbally abusive or hits objects out of frustration, then this is truly a warning as I said earlier. This leaves you with either the hope that counseling will work, or the (best) option of simply leaving this person and moving on. Yet if this happened just once after a few years, then one does have to wonder why something like this happened if it is truly out of character for this person. Then it reverts back to the idea that the person is now drinking, doing drugs, or perhaps even has a medical condition (a new tumor) that caused him or her to react completely out of character.
Trialbyfire Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 Well lately as a result of being engaged, she'd spend more time drinking with female friends. When confronted about it, her reason because out of excitement from getting married. My parents always had doubts about her, which I never quite understood but they never liked her (still don't). She is aware of this and it has caused several arguments. Anyways I had the key on my hand so she doesn't go clubbing again. She began getting irritated about how it's disgraceful on my part for not getting her go out with her friends, leading to an argument. She kept repeating to give her the keys and I would not (I was doing it in a playful way). The next thing I know is she punched me.Break the engagement right now. Alcohol is no excuse to enact domestic violence, just like alcohol is no excuse to cheat. So what happens the next time she gets hammered and doesn't appreciate something you're doing? Will she punch you again? Will she break a plate over your head? Get out!
Jeff1962 Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 You have every right to not be abused. It's up to you wether you want to work this out. If you do, I would put off the wedding and ask that she take some domestic violence classes and anger mnangement classes. Tell her that the wedding is off until she completes these classes. If she agrees to this and shows personal change after her classes are comlplete, then I'd talk marriage again but not until. Stand your ground over this. If she refuses, I would leave her.
WalkInThePark Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 Anyways I had the key on my hand so she doesn't go clubbing again. She began getting irritated about how it's disgraceful on my part for not getting her go out with her friends, leading to an argument. She kept repeating to give her the keys and I would not (I was doing it in a playful way). The next thing I know is she punched me. It would be great if this was easy. I'm against physical violence but you were LOCKING HER UP! That's also physical violence. I think she felt threatened by this. I know I would and there is a chance that I would get violent if someone prevents me from leaving a particular place. I think you need anger management classes as much as she does. She might be the violent one but this putting away the keys sounds passive-agressive in my opinion.
anne1707 Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 I'm against physical violence but you were LOCKING HER UP! There is no excuse ever for domestic violence however the abuse does seem to go both ways - it does sound as if you are trying to control and limit her freedom. Just as domestic violence is a good reason to end the relationship, imposing these kind of controls would also be totally unacceptable.
jwi71 Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 What if it's a woman? No difference. Just change all the "he" to "she". Sorry...I obviously assumed. Wrongly (and that's usually the case).
Samantha0905 Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 Google "domestic violence against men." It happens. I used to work @ a women's shelter and part of the training included the fact violence against men occurs also. Physical and emotional abuse are wrong. I'd see major red flags waving in this situation.
cuppa Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 (edited) To tell you the truth it would have been easier leaving them if they cheated on you. It would let you know they never cared about you in the first place but this is harder to forget. You are left wondering who is that person you've dating the whole time. If it was just a one time incidence or are they prone to behave the same in the future? Have they ever done this to someone else? All these unanswered questions. Never mind....I should read all the posts before I responded. Edited February 3, 2010 by cuppa
Author Ivan Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 It is still domestic violence even if a women is the aggressor. Did she punch you in the face? Yes she punched me on the face and it was hard for a woman. I noticed it left a red mark afterwards. Right now she's went out drinking with her friends again. It seems that ever since our engagement, she isn't the same person I met. Something in her has changed and I'm having doubts of whether to proceed with the wedding. Part of me is telling perhaps my parents might have seen something they didn't like within her.
Author Ivan Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 I'm against physical violence but you were LOCKING HER UP! That's also physical violence. I think she felt threatened by this. I know I would and there is a chance that I would get violent if someone prevents me from leaving a particular place. I think you need anger management classes as much as she does. She might be the violent one but this putting away the keys sounds passive-agressive in my opinion. I just wanted her back to her same self. She hasn't been organized, nor helping out at home, coming drunk many times at 1am and sometimes denying intimacy. It seems like all she cares is drinking with friends and cleaning her car.
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