jb89 Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 Ok, so I'm not going to include the copious amounts of details surrounded around this breakup, but rather, only the more recent happenings. Two weeks ago, my girlfriend told me she wanted out of the relationship, she told me what she didn't like, etc. She told me she felt like she was being smothered, wanted space, and I gave it to her. I decided to go with some advice and 5 days after the breakup I sent her a text telling her that I had been doing some thinking, and that I had agreed with the breakup, and thought it was for the best, and she quickly questioned what made me come to this decision. Two days following, I deleted her and all of our mutual friends from facebook, and upon her realizing that, I got 3 texts, 2 IMs, and she posted on her facebook and twitter that her 'day had just went to total sh*t.' The texts and IMs were asking me why I would do that. Several days later, she texted me and said "Yeah, we're done taking a break, I don't want a relationship anymore." I called her, very calmly, almost in a happy-sounding mood, asked her what brought her to that decision, she told me she was happier being alone, and I said, "Oh, ok. Well, take care!" She seemed incredibly confused. 5 days following this incident, she texted me asking if she could call me because she wanted to talk to me about something. I was busy that night, and I told her that I wouldn't be home. Yesterday, which was around 3 days after her texting me asking to call me, I texted her asking what she needed to talk about. She told me that she just wanted to see how I had been doing, and 'just talk,' nothing specific. I told her I'd be home most of the evening. She calls me, we talked for around 30 minutes. I made sure to keep the conversation about light topics, I didn't bring up the relationship, and I did my best to make most of the conversation focused around her, and made sure that when she started talking about things she enjoys, we stayed on those topics for as long as possible. We both laughed, and it was a good talk overall. I told her that it had been great talking to her, but I had to go because I had some stuff to do, and she told me not to get off the phone like that, because it's not like we were just acquaintances who should talk to one another like that. Another topic came up, then 5 minutes later I told her I did have to go because I had stuff to get done before going to sleep. The second we got off the phone, she began sending me picture messages and text messages of one of her hobbies we had been talking about on the phone. I was sure to be relatively short in my responses. She sent me one toward the end of the conversation, and it said "I'm going to bed. Goodnight." in which I replied "Night" Here's the question- Should I let her know that I'm not ready to be just friends, or will that make me seem needy and affected? I was thinking maybe the next time she tries contacting me, I'd just tell her that it was great talking to her, but that I'm not ready just yet to start being friends (obviously because I want more). Or is there another route I could take, that would potentially make her miss me more? I don't want her to get it in her head that I'm just going to be here for her when she wants/needs to talk, while she's potentially trying to get over me. Please help!
McGrupp Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 so far so good. i would stop all communication for about 10 days maybe. dont really say anything. dont let her see you hand. anyway you want a relationship, she knows that, by being NC you are showing her you dont want to be friends...
Author jb89 Posted February 2, 2010 Author Posted February 2, 2010 That's what I was intending on doing. By having a good conversation last night, I hope I didn't give her signs that I was ready to be friends again, or that I was welcoming conversation. If she texts me in the next few days, which I can only assume will happen, how do I stay NC without blatantly ignoring her?
Author jb89 Posted February 2, 2010 Author Posted February 2, 2010 Also, sorry for the double post, but the main thing I do want to stay away from, is seeming like I'm there for her as a friend to help her get over me. I'm beginning to second-guess myself and have regrets of having that conversation with her last night. I don't want her to have it in her head that I'm there for her and she can talk to me when she needs to, and when she doesn't need me, I'm just waiting on the sidelines.
McGrupp Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 so just go NC. nothing you say or do will bring her back to what you want except complete and utter indifference...
Author jb89 Posted February 2, 2010 Author Posted February 2, 2010 So if she texts me, etc, just don't reply at all, and if she calls, don't answer for the time we're NC? After the 10 days, start replying? I'm new to this sorry :/
skydiveaddict Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 So if she texts me, etc, just don't reply at all, and if she calls, don't answer for the time we're NC? After the 10 days, start replying? I'm new to this sorry :/ dont reply to anything and don't put a time limit on it.And to quote alphamale: "never except the consolation prize of friendship"
Author jb89 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 I made the call tonight, and I told her that I know we had a great talk last night, but that I do still have feelings for her and I'm not ready to do the whole 'talking as friends' thing, and I asked her to just please respect my wishes in that I don't think we should talk for awhile. There was a few seconds pause before she said "Ok" in the most sad-sounding voice I had heard in awhile. We got off the phone, and 10 minutes later I got a text saying "I don't want you out of my life completely." and I feel rather accomplished. I think that this time apart will make her miss me, and will also give us both time to think about some things. I didn't reply to her text, but 2 hours after she sent that, and not receiving a reply, she sent me another one saying "Thanks." and I'm not sure whether or not I should continue ignoring the texts, or if I should just tell her that I need her to respect my wishes
kwyser Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 That is a tough situation. But so far you have been doing things right so good job! Anyway at this point it does get complicated. You're two options are hard to decide between. Here is what you need to consider: Is she the type of person that responds to those relationship games we all play? Or is she the type that responds to the straightforward talk? Once you figure this out, then you have to decide which route you want to take. You may want to wait until she starts asking about the relationship or if you are in any relationships. This could be a good opportunity to bring up the fact that you don't want to be just friends. Good luck, you are doing good so far
Author jb89 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 That is a tough situation. But so far you have been doing things right so good job! Anyway at this point it does get complicated. You're two options are hard to decide between. Here is what you need to consider: Is she the type of person that responds to those relationship games we all play? Or is she the type that responds to the straightforward talk? Once you figure this out, then you have to decide which route you want to take. You may want to wait until she starts asking about the relationship or if you are in any relationships. This could be a good opportunity to bring up the fact that you don't want to be just friends. Good luck, you are doing good so far I keep trying to tell myself that I'm doing good so far. It's so hard to not just cave in and beg for her back because I really do love her that much. Anyway, I'm having trouble even thinking about which of those two categories she'd fall into. She doesn't show emotion hardly EVER. She hides it better than anyone I've ever met before in my life. I haven't replied to her texts though, because I am really only assuming that it's more stringing-along material. Hearing things like this from people I don't even know really do help with esteem though, and also help reaffirm that I am doing something right with this whole situation, so thank you!
Hersheys Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 NC with a time limit is a bad idea. NC is implemented for the purpose of moving on with your life not seeing how things will be with the other person after days or weeks. NC is meant for you to regain YOUR life back. It is not meant gauge how the other person will react after 10+ days of NC. I think she's made it clear to you that she does not want a relationship anymore but I also think she's baffled why instead of begging and pleading, you handled her decision very well. You did great by letting her know how you feel and that you will not opt for a friendship because if you do, be ready to be her bestest buddy.
Author jb89 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 NC with a time limit is a bad idea. NC is implemented for the purpose of moving on with your life not seeing how things will be with the other person after days or weeks. NC is meant for you to regain YOUR life back. It is not meant gauge how the other person will react after 10+ days of NC. I think she's made it clear to you that she does not want a relationship anymore but I also think she's baffled why instead of begging and pleading, you handled her decision very well. You did great by letting her know how you feel and that you will not opt for a friendship because if you do, be ready to be her bestest buddy. I agree on the time limit not being such a good idea, I'm starting to see how the NC is more about self-healing than to get a reaction from her...although at the same time, I'm sort of hoping in the process it will make her miss me as well. :/
nobmagnet Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 That the way we all feel with NC or the Homer approach! It really is a good oppertunity for you to try to understand why she DID want out. What was wrong with the relationship and most of all what you got out if it to want her back. It gives you breathing space to refect. We all understand you want her back but try to work out why? I made a list of reasons i wanted him back and reasons i didnt. In my case there was only one for!!!! hahahahaha I ran out of paper for the aginst! You have to be completely honest, all thouse annoying little trates you kinda put up with were probably red flags if you havent been seeing eachother for a huge amount of time. Just my thoughts Nobby xx
Author jb89 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 That the way we all feel with NC or the Homer approach! It really is a good oppertunity for you to try to understand why she DID want out. What was wrong with the relationship and most of all what you got out if it to want her back. It gives you breathing space to refect. We all understand you want her back but try to work out why? I made a list of reasons i wanted him back and reasons i didnt. In my case there was only one for!!!! hahahahaha I ran out of paper for the aginst! You have to be completely honest, all thouse annoying little trates you kinda put up with were probably red flags if you havent been seeing eachother for a huge amount of time. Just my thoughts Nobby xx Regarding how much time we spent together...she lives around 7 hours away from me. However, I was there for a week before christmas, and i went back for a week and a day beginning on new years eve. Whenever we would see each other, it was always for around a week at a time. I think that spending that much time together, that back-to-back made us too comfortable around each other, and she more than likely felt a bit smothered from that because she had very little time to herself. She told me the things she didn't like in the relationship, all of which I later acknowledged my faults for, and made her aware that I was willing to fix those things (this was several days after she told me the first time she didn't want to be in a relationship and wanted some space).
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