seibert253 Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 A buddy of mine's W has basically stepped out of their M. He got the ILBNILWU speach, she's never at home, and has basically abandoned her family. She finds that hanging out with her "friends", and "coworkers", as being more important than spending time with her H and family. I'm pretty sure there's an OM, but my bud is in denial IMO, and I've told him so. He's caught her in 4 or 5 lies, but hasn't called her on them. I've caught her in a few to me, but decided to run my own 180 on her. Refuse to answer her calls/texts, won't go to their home if she's there, avoiding her, yeah I know pretty juvenile, but I really don't have anything constructive to say to her. Yesterday I had their son, he's my son's best friend. My bud and his W, both worked yesterday. He called asking if I could keep him a little longer because he got caught up at work. He came by around 6, and I asked him why his W couldn't pick up their son. My bud told me she got a late arrest, (she's a LE officer), and would be home late. She's often used the working OT speach on him. I don't buy it because I know her agency is VERY restrictive on OT. So me being the seasoned investigator I am, check up on her. Well you guessed it, she had no late arrest yesterday, and ended her tour of duty as scheduled. So she lied again to my bud. Now my question, do I dime her out and tell my bud, or let it be? All of this is tearing him up, seeing his W throw away 18years of M. He's about ready to walk, but will not because of their kids. I want to help, but I'm really at my wits end. Footnote: my bud's W and mine used to be best friends, more like sisters, but now she won't speak to my W. I feel guilt and shame has alot to do with this. So as you see, this is not only affecting my bud's family, but also mine. WTF? I'm almost ready give her the what for, but I know it will go in one ear and out the other. Thoughts and advice ladies and gentlemen?
freestyle Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 What I've often heard in similar situations, is that your best and safest bet would be for you to approach her, let her know that you're aware of her lying. Then give her an ultimatum, either she comes clean to your buddy within a very short frame of time, or he'll hear about it from you, which will bode far worse if he has to hear it second-hand, rather from her. A lot of people might advise you to stay out of it, as it's their marriage, but the moment she lied to you, she involved you. She's thrust you into an awkward position, one that you have every right to resent. If you can, try and look through your bud's eyes. If you were in his shoes, would you want to be informed or left in the dark??
jwi71 Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 Tell. You have a responsibility to your friend to do so. Maybe pull the proof you have about the late arrest for him. Sometimes, being a friend sucks...this is one of those times. Good luck...let us know how it goes...
HeyThere Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 He sounds like a good friend who doesn’t want to recognize the problems in his marriage. I think it would be better not to say anything to him and be there for him when he’s able to acknowledge it. This is painful for him, so all the prodding in the world won’t matter right now. Now confronting her might do the trick as freestyle suggested. ILBNILWU – please spell this out for me?
Disintegration Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 If I were in your situation I would definitely inform your friend. Being as close as you are I think he has a right to know. She's obviously lying and hiding something. Sounds like she may be cheating. Some might say it isn't your business but I know that if a friend knew of a situation and kept it from me I'd feel unsure of their motives. Your friend is obviously hurt by what she is doing especially after 18 years of marriage that has to be rough. The truth always comes out one way or another. If he's caught her in several lies he needs to find out what it is exactly she is keeping from him. He has a right to know, for the sake of the family. Update us on what you decide, just be a trust worthy friend he may need it soon, depending on what it is she's been withholding.
Disintegration Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 Oh yeah I wanted to add that "I'm in love with you but not in love with you" is pretty much a sure sign that she may be seeing someone else. I hope that isn't the case but why is she lying about her whereabouts? Seems very suspicious to me.
freestyle Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 He sounds like a good friend who doesn’t want to recognize the problems in his marriage. I think it would be better not to say anything to him and be there for him when he’s able to acknowledge it. This is painful for him, so all the prodding in the world won’t matter right now. Now confronting her might do the trick as freestyle suggested. ILBNILWU – please spell this out for me? "I love you but I'm not in love with you"....................The classic line that spells impending doom for a relationship. I think my suggestion, confronting the WW first, will be the course of action that will be the least painful for Seibert's friend. Anytime a person has to hear news like that second-hand, it's all the more painful.......and damaging. Yes it's going to be devastating either way, but more damage is done when the news comes from a third party.I think the OP should present his case to the WW, just like that............ "Would you rather he hears it from me...................or from you first??" Let her marinate in guilt, maybe she'll do the right thing, and come clean. It will be a wake-up call for her. She might come out of her fog. If there is going to be a chance of reconciliation, it will be easier if she's the one to come clean. Give her the opportunity first.
Author seibert253 Posted February 2, 2010 Author Posted February 2, 2010 Oh yeah I wanted to add that "I'm in love with you but not in love with you" is pretty much a sure sign that she may be seeing someone else. I hope that isn't the case but why is she lying about her whereabouts? Seems very suspicious to me. Agreed. I all too well know the signs of a WS, and have read it here all the time. I'm about 90% sure there's an OM in the picture. My bud just doesn't want to see it. I think deep down, he too knows this. I've told him he needs to call her on all the lies, everything, but he says it doesn't matter because it will go in one ear and out the other. She just doesn't care, (his words, not mine). Knowing her, I have to agree. She lately has become very selfish. A complete and total opposite of what she used to be. When she has an opinion, or she does something, she's the ultimate justifyer. I know he's hurting bad, and probably near the breaking point. Hence the reason why I havn't told him what I know. I don't want him to get pizzed off and alienate him from my family. I'm sure eventually I will tell, just don't know when the proper moment will be. I imagine at some point I will confront her, but I want to wait till I'm cooled off. I want to do this in a loving compasionate way. Problem is, she's very stubborn, strong willed, and right know so selfish. Any ideas on this or anyone have simular experiences?
EnigmaXOXO Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 I’d have no qualms about informing a best friend if I knew for sure their partner was playing them for a fool. Even at the risk of being ostracized in the event they didn’t want to believe it. However, NOT on suspicion alone. I’d have to see it with my own eyes or be able to provide them with some real evidence to substantiate my very serious accusations. All you’ve got now is a discrepancy concerning her whereabouts and the knowledge that she hasn’t been truthful with her husband regarding her work schedule. I don’t think it’s enough to pull the trigger on their marriage or quite possibly your friendship. Hey! It’s understandable that you’re concerned for your friend. I’d probably be chomping at the bit, too. However, as questionable as his wife’s alibis may be, you have to be wary that you’re not projecting your own paranoia and fears onto him. If you stumbled across this information by accident, or he’s asked you to investigate his wife for him, that’s one thing. But that fact that you’ve gone ahead made it your personal vendetta to dig up some small piece of dirt on her may not only come off as being too intrusive and way overstepping your boundaries... but if that’s all you’ve got, she could spin this on you and you could end up looking like some vindictive trouble maker. I think you’d need a lot more than this before approaching your friend with your suspicions about his wife’s infidelities. Then again, no one knows the dynamics of your friendship as well as you do, and it’s just one person’s opinion. However, if even you’re questioning whether or not it’s appropriate, than maybe your spidey senses are telling you something. Personally, I’d be more inclined to exercise just a little more patience and listen to them. Good luck with whatever you decide.
just_some_guy Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 I'd call BS on her, personally, for any lie she told you directly. Boundary condition. If she tells you something untrue, and you know it, right then and there, push back. Be clear that YOU will not accept her lies or involving you in her scheming and deception. If you set that boundary, you can be sure, she will refrain from lying to you in the future. If she tells hubby a lie, then you investigate it, that's none of your damn business. That's what you did. She lied to him, you then stuck your nose in where it absolutely did not belong, investigated whether she was truthful or not. You were wrong. Whatever dynamic is going on between your bud and his wife, is their business. Stay out of it. If he says his wife is working late and you don't think or even know differently, just say, "OK" and move on.
carhill Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 Thanks for being a great community parent and continue to support your male best friend. His W will reap the rewards of her path without any input. If he comes to you later with stories of his own, confirm what you know to be your truth. It's his M and his path.
Hop_prophet Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 I don't think a direct confrontation is the best course as that could be taken the wrong way nor do I think giving his wife an ultimatum will do any good. If she is really that selfish and rationalizing do you really think she is going to tell him anything? It seems like he is already very close to the breaking point. Just beat him over the head with the logic stick and tell him to stop being such a pushover. Eventually he will get the message and come to the realization on his own that he needs to do something about it. I think you can easily steer him to the proper course of action without resorting to investigation or ironclad proof. He knows what is going on but is still in denial.
Samantha0905 Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 It sounds like she will be found out before long anyway. Unless you know 100% she is having an affair, I don't think I would discuss it with him. He will need you to support him when this all goes down.
Blindsidedagainalive Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 Your buds wife is not trying hard to conceal this affair. It should be quite obvious to your friend by now with the ILYBINILWY speech, change of behavior, and going out a lot. You already TOLD your friend he is in denial for God's sake.....what else do you need to do, take pics?
sally4sara Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 Till you know FOR SURE that she is cheating, I wouldn't bother putting your nose in this too deep. And saying this is effecting you because his wife isn't friends with your wife anymore is just a cop out IMO. Why would you want her to be friends with your wife if you don't even find her to be a person you would want as a friend? You WANT to bust her out and you know it. So find proof. Then you will at least be able to back up your words because he isn't going to want to believe it.
D-Lish Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 If you have no conclusive proof, you are only speculating she is having an affair. It's possible she is avoiding going home simply because she wants out of the marriage. When my best friend wanted to leave her relationship, she spent a lot of time at my place, just avoiding going home - there was no other man involved. It's a distinct possibility she is having an affair, but I wouldn't open up that can of worms until you have proof- that could backfire on you. She's still going to have a lot of pull as his wife and mother of his children. He obviously isn't ready for the truth. He himself can't be so blind as to think everything is peachy, but he's not taking any action. It would be irresponsible to tell him she's having an affair unless you're sure of it.
Lizzie60 Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 ----------I'm pretty sure there's an OM, but my bud is in denial IMO, and I've told him so.------------- So... you told him.. and he doesn't believe it.. now what? Why are you sooo obsessed with her? Methink.. it upsets you just as much as it upset him.. not sure why... Mind your own business.. maybe if you spend as much time being a detective on YOUR wife.. instead of his wife.. you might find things you'd prefer not to know.. think about it.. Just leave them alone..
Woggle Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 If you can get proof then tell him. It is the least you can do for a friend.
sally4sara Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 It is siebert's business. They made it his business when they asked him to babysit their child and his friend's wife lied about working on overtime, thus making siebert a facilitator to whatever she was lying about. She's a liar. Whether that's due to cheating, or for some other reason, makes no difference at this point. She made her own bed, and if she has to suffer the consequences, tough crap on her. I realize a lot of women on this site love to come to the defense of married women who are liars, cheaters and/or both. That's due to self-interest in almost every case. Lying to your husband is wrong girls. Now skedaddle. I am not defending her actions. The OP said the kid is his kid's best friend. I'm sure it wasn't a hardship. If he wants to stick his nose it for such a small (if at all) imposition he should do so with facts to back up his allegations. Its the adult way to handle things. If actions of yours didn't seem on the up and up, how would you want people you've welcomed into your home to approach it? Right now the OP only suspects. He should find out if it is because she is creeping or if it is just his response to the confidences his friend has shared with him. Could be his buddy told him there are problems in the marriage so now the OP is seeing her with that in mind. To make sure he isn't causing problems for nothing (not a friend kinda thing to do) he should check into it first. I personally would hate to bring news like that to a friend, so I would make sure i only did it because I HAD to.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 I wouldn't go to her unless you have 100% undeniable proof. If you go to her without proof, she will simply use what you told her to gaslight him and turn him against you.
Joe Normal Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 (edited) Yes you should definitely tell him. You should also tell him she is likely to be cheating on him. However, expect it not to make much difference at the moment. When someone is being dumb and in denial, they can be remarkably pig-eared about accepting what is staring them in the face. I would recommend to him that he "trust but verify". Tell him to hire a PI to find out more information. I know you can investigate it yourself but it will be more credible coming from an impartial professional than from one of his friends. Finally, you should go bananas on his wife. Tell her if she ever lies to you again, you will mess up her life. Edited February 10, 2010 by Joe Normal
Author seibert253 Posted February 16, 2010 Author Posted February 16, 2010 Update: I weighed everyones advise but it pretty much came down to this, I would want to know if my FWW was lying to me, and I felt my bud had a right to know what was going on, so I told him. I also told him I wouldn't do anymore "inquiring" about what his W was doing unless he asked. He thanked me and let me know if he needed any more favors he wouldn't hesitate to ask. Well, unfortuantly I was right. He installed a keylogger on their home computer, got her email password, and bammm, there they were. She's been having an EA, which progressed into a PA, when she and friend went to North Carolina for a "shopping trip". All their email corrisponance was right there. My bud is devistated. 20year marriage, 4 kids, all gone in an instant. He confronted her, she finally came clean after he gave her specifics about their conversations and the "shopping trip". She claims to be devistated but I'm not convinced. She's a master manipulator. I'm sure she's more hurt by the destruction of her perfect Christian mother image, than she is of what she's done to her husband and kids. My bud's contacted an attorney and claims he's done. Only time will tell. I was really hoping and praying I was wrong on this one. My bud told me that when I confronted him with her latest lie, that was what sent him over the edge into investigative mode. If this hadn't happened, he's still be totally in the dark wondering why his marriage was falling apart.
BlueeyedJonesy Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Wow, you were right on the money. Good for you..I'm sure telling your friend was hard but you did the right thing. Are you a BS?
Heroic Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Dude, she's a cop. If your not you looking for a boatload of trouble. Never EVER piss off a cop. They will make your life a living hell with the full blessing of the state.
Author seibert253 Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 Dude, she's a cop. If your not you looking for a boatload of trouble. Never EVER piss off a cop. They will make your life a living hell with the full blessing of the state. I've been in LE alot longer than she has, so I'm not worried about that. She and I had a chat and I let her know that using department equipment in the way she did could get her fired. I think we have an understanding. She doesn't want to go there.
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