Mr. Be Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 (edited) Hello, I am a very happily married man who is very much in love with my wife of 8 years. We also have a wonderful young son. Before I met my wife I would occasionally go to strip bars with my friends (maybe once/year). These experiences were always quite tame, except for being in the presence of naked women, of course. After we entered the relationship my wife made it very clear that attending a strip bar was not OK, and in her mind was potentially grounds for divorce. I felt this was a strong reaction and I am not sure if she is 100% serious about this, but I consented since I had no intention of ever going to one again anyway. Before I get into the story and recieve a big backlash I must tell you that I have been completely faithful and a good husband and father for those 8 years, including avoiding any strip bars. Recently, however, I was on an overnight business trip about 500 miles from home. Usually I sit in my hotel room, watch TV and go to sleep. On this particular night, however, my hotel was near the downtown so I decided to go out and have a drink or two before retiring for the night. My intention was to go to one of the many pubs in the area. Unfortunately very close to my hotel I passed by a strip club and I thought to myself "this is a place where a guy can sit and have a drink by himself and not seem out of place, what harm can come of it" ...man was I wrong! As soon as I sat down and ordered a drink, out of nowhere a 'dancer' sits down uninvited on my lap. She was acting quite strangely (possibly high), and between somewhat normal conversation would say things in my ear like "what does your wife do to make you cum?". I honestly was becomming a little agitated and realize now I should have just got up and left. At one point I even said "I need to go because my wife would kill me if she knew I was here" However, she was very aggressive and kept telling me that I had to have a dance with her and I couldn't leave, etc. etc. In retrospect I recognize how naive this was, but I said OK, one dance, thinking that I could do that and then just get the heck out of the place. As soon as we went into the 'private area', things went from bad to worse. She was incredibly aggressive, including starting to unbutton my shirt and trying to kiss me. I was very uncomfortable and probably made that clear -- looking back, I think that just made her more agitated. Nonetheless, after the song I said thanks, tried to give her the cash and leave. But she wouldn't have any of it, saying that she had a three dance minimum and if I wanted to leave it would be $60! I only brought $40 out with me for the whole night, so I tried to reason with her (big mistake) and finally realized that the best way to avoid a huge scene (and probably being dealt with by 'security') was siimply to go and get the cash. Here things go from worse to terrible. Before she would let me leave for the bank machine I had to leave some 'collaterol'. I tried to leave my tie, but she insisted that I had to give her my ID to prove I would come back. Stupidly I did so. After searching around a strange town for a bank machine I returned about 15 minutes later with the cash. And when I returned the 'dancer' demanded another $100 or she would "Tell my wife all about what happened". I stupidly hadn't realized that she would of course have my address from my ID. At that point I finally said no way, took my ID back and left. Of course, knowing that an unstable stripper has my home address and might contact my wife with who knows what story, I have barely slept since I returned. This is on top of the extreme guilt I feel for having gone to the strip bar in the first place! Fortunately we have an unlisted phone number so the stripper will not be able to call my home. However, she could send something through the mail or, knowing my name, possibly contact me through work. This has not happened yet (about 1 week), so I am hoping and praying that she was just trying to extort more money on a whim and nothing more will come of it. I recognize that what I did was wrong and I am truly suffering the Karmic wrath for having gone to this establishment. I really want to tell my wife and get it out of my conscience, but if I do I think I might truly run the risk of losing her and my family, since she has such strong feelings about this issue. You may say this serves me right, but I don't think I should pay for a single stupid move with a lifetime's happiness, even if it was a big brainfart. In practical terms, I have considered contacting the club and following up that way, but if the stripper was indeed just bluffing then this might raise the whole thing back up when I should perhaps just let it rest. Besides that, I don't think it is the most 'above-board' industry where customer complaints mean very much. OK, I have gone on for a long time here, but I hope you can see how distressed I am. Any advice, both practical and 'relationship-based' would be welcome. Edited February 2, 2010 by Mr. Be
sunrae Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Honestly, I doubt the stripper took down any of your personal information, she got what she wanted out of you which was money.. I doubt she's goin gto take the time to send your wife a letter or anything else for that matter.... I say you learned a big lesson... And I would come clean if it makes you feel better... My ex husband went to many a strip club, I even had to pull him out of one on Christmas eve.. Sadly I know why to much about how they opperate and all the strippers wanted was his money, they didnt care about me or anyone else for that matter.
Jersey Shortie Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Unfortunately very close to my hotel I passed by a strip club... ....out of nowhere a 'dancer' sits down uninvited on my lap. ...At one point I even said "I need to go because my wife would kill me if she knew I was here" However, she was very aggressive and kept telling me that I had to have a dance with her and I couldn't leave, etc. etc. In retrospect I recognize how naive this was, but I said OK, one dance, thinking that I could do that and then just get the heck out of the place.... As soon as we went into the 'private area',... She was incredibly aggressive.... Nonetheless, after the song I said thanks, tried to give her the cash and leave. But she wouldn't have any of it... I recognize that what I did was wrong and I am truly suffering the Karmic wrath for having gone to this establishment. I really want to tell my wife and get it out of my conscience, but if I do I think I might truly run the risk of losing her and my family, since she has such strong feelings about this issue. You may say this serves me right, but I don't think I should pay for a single stupid move with a lifetime's happiness, even if it was a big brainfart. I understand you feel badly for your mistake but the way you word your story, you make it sound like you were a mere hapless victim sucked in by the evil stripper who wouldn't let you go. You talk about how all you wanted to do was leave but all you did was stay. You went into the private area! She didn't club and drag you, you did all these things of your own accord. 8 years of being a good husband and father is now going to be tarnished by this one act. Sadly, that's how it sometimes works. I do suspect you feel guilt. But I think that came after the fact. You already jepordized your relationship with your wife the moment you walked into the strip club. You were not ignorant of her feelings on this. She accepted you into her life with the promise that you would not take advantage of it. And you did. You already have run the risk of losing her and your family the second you went into the strip club. You want to chalk it up to a "brainfart". You know your wife feels stronger about it then just that. Do her thoughts and feelings on this mean less? Does she deserve to be lied to about something you know she feels strongly about? My advice is to deal with the situation you created head on. Be honest and tell her what happened. Take what comes next and do the best you can to rebuild the trust you've now broken. A relationship isn't about keeping one partner in the dark just because the other doesn't want to face the consequences of their actions. Let her decide what she wants going forward. She will be hurt. But at least she gets to decide what her life should be. Taking that option away is worse then going to strip club in the first place. It is not your right to lie to her and make her believe she is living in a relationship that she is not.
Minnie09 Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 I understand you feel badly for your mistake but the way you word your story, you make it sound like you were a mere hapless victim sucked in by the evil stripper who wouldn't let you go. Haha, that's what they all do, don't they? Anyway, if I were your wife, I would be disgusted if you told me. And even more disgusted, if you didn't. The truth always comes out.
make me believe Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 I completely agree with jersey! ALL of this was your fault. Why did you go into the strip club in the first place? What was the big scary stripper going to do if you didn't buy a dance from her?? I guess you should come clean with your wife, for the reasons jersey gave above. But, really, try to keep the "woe is me, I got taken advantage of by the evil stripper" crap to a minimum. It will probably only piss her off even more because it just sounds like you're not taking responsibility for what *you* did.
Minnie09 Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 I completely agree with jersey! ALL of this was your fault. Why did you go into the strip club in the first place? What was the big scary stripper going to do if you didn't buy a dance from her?? I guess you should come clean with your wife, for the reasons jersey gave above. But, really, try to keep the "woe is me, I got taken advantage of by the evil stripper" crap to a minimum. It will probably only piss her off even more because it just sounds like you're not taking responsibility for what *you* did. I agree 100%. However, I doubt that he will be man enough to own his ****. What I find quite hilarious is how the stripper actually did take advantage of him. Isn't that what they always do, in one way or another? And the guys still go there and let themselves be ripped off. I'd rather have my H have a drunk ONS with a girl he picks up at a bar. That is usually free.
Trimmer Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 (edited) I understand you feel badly for your mistake but the way you word your story, you make it sound like you were a mere hapless victim sucked in by the evil stripper who wouldn't let you go. You talk about how all you wanted to do was leave but all you did was stay. You went into the private area! She didn't club and drag you, you did all these things of your own accord. 8 years of being a good husband and father is now going to be tarnished by this one act. Sadly, that's how it sometimes works. I do suspect you feel guilt. But I think that came after the fact. You already jepordized your relationship with your wife the moment you walked into the strip club. You were not ignorant of her feelings on this. She accepted you into her life with the promise that you would not take advantage of it. And you did. You already have run the risk of losing her and your family the second you went into the strip club. You want to chalk it up to a "brainfart". You know your wife feels stronger about it then just that. Do her thoughts and feelings on this mean less? Does she deserve to be lied to about something you know she feels strongly about? My advice is to deal with the situation you created head on. Be honest and tell her what happened. Take what comes next and do the best you can to rebuild the trust you've now broken. A relationship isn't about keeping one partner in the dark just because the other doesn't want to face the consequences of their actions. Let her decide what she wants going forward. She will be hurt. But at least she gets to decide what her life should be. Taking that option away is worse then going to strip club in the first place. It is not your right to lie to her and make her believe she is living in a relationship that she is not. Well, Jersey will be the first to tell you that I don't usually agree with her, but I certainly do here. I read the same thing in your post: I was a victim, I was out of control, I couldn't stop it... It seems that, early on, your wife laid down a boundary that was important to her, and she communicated it clearly, even reinforced with the idea of divorce, and you agreed to it. How in the world could you not "be 100% certain" of what that meant? What more do you need? It's not that she "wasn't serious," I think you just didn't want her to be. But with everything laid there on the table, and with free will, you agreed. So then, you are standing there at the door, and you decide "nyahh - doesn't matter, I'll just go have my drink here, in a strip club." This wasn't really a "mistake" like tripping on a crack or misjudging a basketball throw. This was a decision. You had all the information you needed, and you had options, and again, with free will, you chose this. So I don't even know what to tell you to do about your wife. I do believe she deserves the truth - she was clear about her boundaries and you knowingly stepped right over them. I'm equally interested in whether you will do some self-exploration into how and why you made this decision. That will start with "owning" the decision - it's something you did with knowledge, intention, and free will, when there were other options available. Probably you're going to say something like "I don't know" (which is an easy refuge, but doesn't really address your issues) or "I didn't think it was a big deal" (which disrespects and invalidates the boundary that your wife communicated and you agreed to.) Really, to get to the real reason you allowed yourself to decide this, you are going to have to examine yourself, possibly with the help of a counselor or therapist. You took something you knew would be damaged, and you damaged it. If I were you, I'd be asking: who am I that I woud do this? And I wouldn't let myself off the hook with "I don't know" or "It wasn't a big deal." Incidentally, I'm not passing judgment on the strip club, per se. I do have my own opinions on that, but that isn't even operative here. For me it comes down to the fact that you guys had an agreement, a bilateral meeting of the minds, on a boundary, and you crossed it knowingly and completely. I would have to be asking myself: why? Edited February 5, 2010 by Trimmer
sxyNYCcpl Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 After we entered the relationship my wife made it very clear that attending a strip bar was not OK, and in her mind was potentially grounds for divorce. Your mistake was not going to a strip bar, your mistake was in staying in a relationship with a woman who has this attitude.
Jersey Shortie Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 You mean the attitude where one partner draws clear boundries on any number of subjects and is honest about how far they want something to go. As if you don't have your own personal boundries that work within you own personal relationship. Incidentally, I'm not passing judgment on the strip club, per se. I do have my own opinions on that, but that isn't even operative here. Most men are okay with strip clubs. It's a situation that's clearly in *his* best interest. As long as the words "once-in-awhile" are attached most men will feel like their still good guys deserving of all the love their gf/wives offer while getting a little titilation on the side. Although, ask most men if they would be okay with their own wife/gf stripping "once-in-awhile" and the power tables sure do change. Men don't want their women to be the sexual center of attention but they are okay with lusting after other women to make them the center of their attention for the moments they choose to spend with them. In this regard, I do find guys standardly to be hypocrtical on this subject.
sxyNYCcpl Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 You mean the attitude where one partner draws clear boundries on any number of subjects and is honest about how far they want something to go. As if you don't have your own personal boundries that work within you own personal relationship. No, I meant exactly what I said. Nothing wrong with boundaries, we all have them. But how many problems do we see, here and in the real world, because people "agree" to boundaries they don't really believe in or share, and in many cases don't really even intend to honor. Like strip clubs? Fine, get a partner who agrees. Ditto for porn or video games or any of the repeat offenders we see here time and time again. I am not saying never compromise that of course is impossible but know who you are and find someone who let's you be you. I guarantee you no woman who doesn't have a problem with her man going to a strip bar has ever started a thread here complaining about it.
Trimmer Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 No, I meant exactly what I said. Nothing wrong with boundaries, we all have them. But how many problems do we see, here and in the real world, because people "agree" to boundaries they don't really believe in or share, and in many cases don't really even intend to honor. Like strip clubs? Fine, get a partner who agrees. Ditto for porn or video games or any of the repeat offenders we see here time and time again. I am not saying never compromise that of course is impossible but know who you are and find someone who let's you be you. I guarantee you no woman who doesn't have a problem with her man going to a strip bar has ever started a thread here complaining about it. Ah, I misread your comment too. At a first reading, it come off as sounding like you thought there was something wrong with "a woman who has this attitude." But your clarification sounds like you are saying that it was a mistake for him to stay with her in the first place, if he didn't truly accept and agree to the boundary that was important to her, is that it? If so, I agree. Most men are okay with strip clubs. It's a situation that's clearly in *his* best interest. As long as the words "once-in-awhile" are attached most men will feel like their still good guys deserving of all the love their gf/wives offer while getting a little titilation on the side. Although, ask most men if they would be okay with their own wife/gf stripping "once-in-awhile" and the power tables sure do change. Men don't want their women to be the sexual center of attention but they are okay with lusting after other women to make them the center of their attention for the moments they choose to spend with them. In this regard, I do find guys standardly to be hypocrtical on this subject. So, you took the one statement out of my post that I was specifically vague about - in order to avoid clouding the main point with the "are strip bars OK?" question - and used it as a jumping-off point to address the "are strip bars OK?" question and the utter hypocrisy of most men.
Lizzie60 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Sorry dude.. but unless she had a gun on your head.. you were free to leave anytime you wanted.. You sound like she tied you down on the chair and did what she wanted with you.. Of course these girls are agressive.. it's their job to get as much money as possible. She possibly saw in you past 'experiences' where it was easy to get more and more money.. she sure saw right through you.. and she took advantage of the situation.. can you blame HER? Mr. Be ...Careful next time..
sxyNYCcpl Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 At a first reading, it come off as sounding like you thought there was something wrong with "a woman who has this attitude." For me, that's a true statement. I would never even consider dating, much less something more serious, a woman who believes that her husband visiting a strip bar is a reasonable cause for divorce. Indeed, I would not date a woman who does not enjoy visiting them herself, but just because those are my standards does not mean others should adopt them. The most important thing is to recognize who you are and to be true to that. But your clarification sounds like you are saying that it was a mistake for him to stay with her in the first place, if he didn't truly accept and agree to the boundary that was important to her, is that it? If so, I agree. That is exactly it. There are, of course, consequences of being true to ones self. In my case, I desired a woman who held unusually enthusiastic sexual preferences. I got lucky that I found it. Very lucky. Ditto for those women who desire men who do not, and most importantly do not want to, use porn, or go to strip bars, or look at other women. Such men exist, to be sure, but they are, statistically speaking, relatively rare. If that's what they want, good on 'em, but they better be prepared for a long, thin search. That is why the anti-strip-club, anti-porn crowd irritates me so much. If that's what you want, fine. Own it. But understand that you are seeking something that is quite rare, and be prepared to wait a very, very long time to find it. Don't go online pissing and moaning because "men are perverts", us men are what we are. It's like I said in another post last week, if you object because your man stands to pee, be prepared for a long road. So, you took the one statement out of my post that I was specifically vague about - in order to avoid clouding the main point with the "are strip bars OK?" question - and used it as a jumping-off point to address the "are strip bars OK?" question and the utter hypocrisy of most men. Strip bars are both OK and they are simultaneously not OK. It's a matter of personal preference. In my case, they are OK with me, and OK with any woman who intends to get past the first date (disclaimer: am happily married, so this is hypothetical). In others cases they can take it or leave it, or it's most definitely NOT OK. So be it. Find someone that thinks the same way you do, and don't pretend to be someone you are not. My message: Find someone who feels the same way you do. Not just about this subject, this is merely one of hundreds where compatibility is important. But, whatever you do, don't pretend to be someone you aren't just to preserve a relationship you think you want. It will only lead to worse heartache in the long run.
sid3 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 What a bunch of crap. " suddenly a stripper came out of nowhere". that's suprising! I can't remember the last time I read a post where a man was in such denial. Some skank stripper isn't going to take the time to contact some customer's wife. She may contact you in an atempt to extort more money.
Maxxx Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 I don't think you have anything to worry about as far as the stripper contacting your wife... esp. if the club is 500 miles away from where you live. However with that said I DO THINK you should tell your wife....... While the truth will hurt for awhile it should be told.. She won't be ok with the fact that you went. But if for some reason she finds out you went and didn't tell her then look out! Tell her now before its to late. Also as a man that had a once even twice a week strip club habit you could have gotten up and left any time you wanted to. (and just FYI I went to the strip clubs when I was NOT in a relationship and have not been back since I am in a committed relationship. Strip clubs are not places for married men sorry....
Joe Normal Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 (edited) No, I meant exactly what I said. Nothing wrong with boundaries, we all have them. But how many problems do we see, here and in the real world, because people "agree" to boundaries they don't really believe in or share, and in many cases don't really even intend to honor. Like strip clubs? Fine, get a partner who agrees. Ditto for porn or video games or any of the repeat offenders we see here time and time again. I am not saying never compromise that of course is impossible but know who you are and find someone who let's you be you. I guarantee you no woman who doesn't have a problem with her man going to a strip bar has ever started a thread here complaining about it. I agree with you. Men - NEVER agree to boundaries you think are too restrictive. If you want to visit a strip bar once in a blue moon just to look or go along with the boys (and intend no physical contact), and don't want your balls chopped off or to get divorced for doing so, DO NOT MARRY a woman who says it's a dealbreaker. It's not fair on her, and it's unrealistic to expect yourself to stick to something you don't believe in or feel. Pretty simple. Be open about what options you want to keep open. Do not agree to things you can't guarantee you won't do. As for the OP - IMO you should confess and face the music. If she gives you the wrath of Khan, then listen, apologize, and promise not to repeat it, then stick to that. If she keeps nagging after 1 month, tell her ok you get the message, many guys do worse and do actual cheating, drugs, alcoholism, wife-beating etc, and to either put it in the past or divorce you and be done with it. For the women who would be disgusted at a guy merely entering a strip bar - I hope your present/future husband is the saint that you expect, and that you walk out immediately if you ever see a male stripper at a hen night of one of your friends. Edited February 14, 2010 by Joe Normal
Jersey Shortie Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 So, you took the one statement out of my post that I was specifically vague about - in order to avoid clouding the main point with the "are strip bars OK?" question - and used it as a jumping-off point to address the "are strip bars OK?" question and the utter hypocrisy of most men. I said what I felt on the subject. No different the following posts before and after me where a few men said that strip clubs were just fine and shared their own opinions on it. Why not preach to them in all fairness Trimmer? For the women who would be disgusted at a guy merely entering a strip bar - I hope your present/future husband is the saint that you expect, and that you walk out immediately if you ever see a male stripper at a hen night of one of your friends. It's not about being a saint. The thing about strip clubs is that it's a choice you make to go into one. This isn't a situation where a pretty woman walked up to you on the street and you had no choice that she came across your path. As for male strippers, most women don't go to or are turned on by them. But maybe more women in relationships should go out and be the one on stage stripping for a night to have fun at a hen night. If a man isn't doing anything wrong by going to watch strippers, a girl certainly can't be doing anything wrong by sharing her beautiful body with other men who are going to watch. As long as she just lets them watch, not touch.
Trimmer Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 (edited) I said what I felt on the subject. No different the following posts before and after me where a few men said that strip clubs were just fine and shared their own opinions on it. Why not preach to them in all fairness Trimmer? Because it's not their thread, and that subject is not the OP's subject. Staying on-topic, I was addressing the boundary issue between the OP and his wife, and I didn't find it necessary to engage the "strip clubs are OK" discussion, which is peripheral to the topic. I was staying on-topic and not using the opportunity to "preach". And, I think that in any case, the "is-behavior-X-OK" discussion is peripheral to a more important fundamental dynamic between this couple, and while it's certainly the trigger, bogging down and believing that that's the main issue here distracts from the really important process the OP needs to recognize and examine, wherein you decide what your boundaries are, you communicate them clearly with each other, and if you reach a meeting of the minds, then you each expect your partner to respect the boundaries you have discussed and agreed upon. Veering off from that into "well, but men do this..." and "women do that..." about particular behaviors is a distraction from the fundamental importance of this process. No matter what you believe about strip bars, I think most everyone here is on the same page that by the OP agreeing to the boundary and then knowingly stepping right over it, he failed in that process, and it is AT LEAST as important for him to examine his motivations about knowingly blowing through that boundary as it is to argue the "are strip bars OK" question. So that's why I didn't "preach to them." Edited February 16, 2010 by Trimmer
Des Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 For the women who would be disgusted at a guy merely entering a strip bar - I hope your present/future husband is the saint that you expect, and that you walk out immediately if you ever see a male stripper at a hen night of one of your friends. What? You can't seriously think that most married men are expected or given some sort of privilege to go to a strip-club... and this idea that if they don't, they must be a saint? I can't believe some of the ridiculous things that are said on LS.
Jersey Shortie Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Because it's not their thread, and that subject is not the OP's subject. Staying on-topic, I was addressing the boundary issue between the OP and his wife, and I didn't find it necessary to engage the "strip clubs are OK" discussion, which is peripheral to the topic. I was staying on-topic and not using the opportunity to "preach". I'll await your other posts detailing out to other posters who put in their two cents about strip clubs about how *you* stayed on-topic and didn't use this opportunity to "preach".
thegoodlife Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 I think you need to tell your wife. As another poster already said, the truth always comes out and I think she deserves to hear it from you now. You should be worried about losing your wife and family, but that's a gamble you chose to take when you stepped into that strip club and furthermore went into the private area for a dance. It's only fair to your wife and the relationship as a whole that you come clean and let the chips fall as they may.
GorillaTheater Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 This is a great story. Don't believe a word of it, but it's a great story.
Trimmer Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 I'll await your other posts detailing out to other posters who put in their two cents about strip clubs about how *you* stayed on-topic and didn't use this opportunity to "preach". I feel no need to meet your expectation. However, if an "other poster" responded directly to my comments (as you did) and didn't get the main point (which you seemed to ignore, even though it was fundamentally agreeing with you !?!? ) and instead took an irrelevant aside as a jumping-off point for a tirade, then yes, I would probably call him or her out on it.
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