Young Free Single & Celibate in my 20s

[SilkRose]

I am finally over my ex boyfriend. And have decided to be celibate in my 20s. After a while (2 years or so) might try casual sex, not that I'm looking forward to that but, my options are limited. Not interested in trying to 'play the game' and 'see what happens'. Dating makes me sad at this point.

 

Having read 'Alphamale's Guide to Keeping Women Around': http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t61606/

I noticed that my ex-boyfriend has so many of the traits in that list.

 

After having spent so much time being heartbroken, this whole mess has made everything including my studies, work and life so much harder. Have not wanted to socialise or even be hugged or touched in any way by men for ages now - I am over it. I'm just focussing on getting my life back on track and planning to leave town after my exams - for good.

 

Relationships aren't worth it. All that effort for...heartache. He wants to be 'close friends'. Translation: he wants to put me 'on hold' for random casual sex or affectionate girlfriend treatment on his terms as and when he feels like it. That's not going to happen.

 

So now I'm going back to 'taking care of myself' in every respect...

 

Can anyone recommend any tips to make it easier for me to stay celibate? I have been before, just want to make it easier for myself this time. Nothing religious, this thread isn't about that.

 

If you want a happy loving relationship, good for you. That ship has sailed for me, so I just want some useful advice and no cliques like...plenty more fish in the sea...you're young you still have time...there's plenty of time...a good man is just around the corner...you'll fall in love again when you least expect it...relationships aren't easy...your time will come...one day you'll meet a man who...Prince Charming...ect

 

Useful practical advice.

 

Thanks!

[Satisfaction]

I suggest learning how to masturbate properly. Try google.Tantric sex guidance sites are a bit long winded and some of them are garbage but they tend to give detailed instructions and examples. The best ones are where people talk about their experiences in an open and frank not porn way. Once you have learned this, its ridiculously easy to ignore offers for casual sex.

On the social side, dig out your friends. Talk to them and hang out and do things you will enjoy.

You may still get lonely occasionally but its so much better than tolerating a rubbish relationship.

[paddington bear]

I was involuntarily celibate for a long time because no one would come near me! So just keep that in your head, that you are doing it by choice, rather than the horrible realisation that I had, which was no one in fact wanted to have sex with me!

 

 

I would say that you are basing this decision on how you feel NOW at this point in time. It will be easier if you don't make it a 'forever', make celibacy (if that's what you want) into something that is based on your emotional state in the present time. Who knows how you'll feel in a year's time? If your feelings on it have changed then, well give yourself permission to no longer be celibate. Basically, when you no longer feel the way you feel now, you can reassess.

 

Don't apply hard rules as to how long it will last otherwise in the way our perverse human brains work, you'll almost feel like breaking the rules, even if they're self-imposed. Whereas to say to yourself 'this is just until I decide otherwise' tricks your brain into thinking that you can change your mind whenever you like (which is, actually the case and nothing wrong with that either)

[SilkRose]

I suggest learning how to masturbate properly. Try google.Tantric sex guidance sites are a bit long winded and some of them are garbage but they tend to give detailed instructions and examples. The best ones are where people talk about their experiences in an open and frank not porn way. Once you have learned this, its ridiculously easy to ignore offers for casual sex.

On the social side, dig out your friends. Talk to them and hang out and do things you will enjoy.

You may still get lonely occasionally but its so much better than tolerating a rubbish relationship.

I have a bag of toys However I understand what you mean, there are many ways to experience pleasure. And I am reading books about sexual pleasure, in men and women...studying for the time when I'm not celibate.

 

Haven't socialised much lately, due to my heartache, but I'm slowly getting back into actually having fun with my friends and not spending so much time (way too much time) thinking about him.

 

Wasn't sure if anyone would reply. Thanks for that advice and encouragement!

[SilkRose]

I was involuntarily celibate for a long time because no one would come near me! So just keep that in your head, that you are doing it by choice, rather than the horrible realisation that I had, which was no one in fact wanted to have sex with me!

 

 

I would say that you are basing this decision on how you feel NOW at this point in time. It will be easier if you don't make it a 'forever', make celibacy (if that's what you want) into something that is based on your emotional state in the present time. Who knows how you'll feel in a year's time? If your feelings on it have changed then, well give yourself permission to no longer be celibate. Basically, when you no longer feel the way you feel now, you can reassess.

 

Don't apply hard rules as to how long it will last otherwise in the way our perverse human brains work, you'll almost feel like breaking the rules, even if they're self-imposed. Whereas to say to yourself 'this is just until I decide otherwise' tricks your brain into thinking that you can change your mind whenever you like (which is, actually the case and nothing wrong with that either)

Firstly...lovely screen name. Thanks for your advice!

 

Thanks, your advice makes sense. When I wrote that I was so sad and fed up but it is my decision. I'm choosing to sort my academic/work/social life out and be happier right now and the best way for me to do that is to be single and celibate. After this point in my life my views can change. I intend to travel so I won't be stuck in the same place with the same people and the same options in terms of men.

 

Sometimes I wish I could do what some men (and some women) do, sleep around with no emotions, but it seems like I can't. Am just doing my best to not get hurt or hurt anyone else.

[meerkat stew]

If you are considering celibacy as a lifetime choice, that's one thing. But if you are doing it to avoid feeling pain again, that's another. Which are you?

[SilkRose]

If you are considering celibacy as a lifetime choice, that's one thing. But if you are doing it to avoid feeling pain again, that's another. Which are you?

The latter. Don't want to never have sex. I want good sex one day...really good sex. Just don't want to be hurt over and over again.

[meerkat stew]

Maybe you should consider not having sex until a certain amount of time dating a guy then as opposed to the rest of a decade. Will allow you to date and have the chance of meeting someone who won't hurt you and will help you heal fully. Quality men will understand a girl who waits, but not a girl who is self-imposing celibacy as a defense mechanism, gives the idea you are too fragile and irreparably damaged to date at all.

 

IMO, don't date at all until you are healed enough to want a normal full relationship again.

[SilkRose]

Firstly...lovely screen name. Thanks for your advice!

 

Thanks, your advice makes sense. When I wrote that I was so sad and fed up but it is my decision. I'm choosing to sort my academic/work/social life out and be happier right now and the best way for me to do that is to be single and celibate. After this point in my life my views can change. I intend to travel so I won't be stuck in the same place with the same people and the same options in terms of men.

 

Sometimes I wish I could do what some men (and some women) do, sleep around with no emotions, but it seems like I can't. Am just doing my best to not get hurt or hurt anyone else.

To be honest at the moment it is voluntary. I actively avoid men and cover up to try to not be noticed. Otherwise I get lots of attention. I am slim with large (natural) breasts so I hide them. So yes I do know that I am very lucky to even have the choice in this way.

[aroll32]

.

 

Relationships aren't worth it. All that effort for...heartache. He wants to be 'close friends'. Translation: he wants to put me 'on hold' for random casual sex or affectionate girlfriend treatment on his terms as and when he feels like it. That's not going to happen.

 

I really like this. You seem like you went through what is happening to me. Some girl I had a thing with for about a month decided she wasn't as into me as I was her. Whatever, **** happens. But then she told me she wanted to hang out and still talk. But hasn't made the effort yet to call me back after a week and a half or so.

 

Basically what I think she's saying is what has happened with you.

 

She taught me to never invest feelings, because eventually, once you think you have someone figured out, they change. I am not saying that I am not like that. But what I mean is that everyone is like that. Because we are all the same when it comes to this crap.

 

I like the fact you don't want relationships, because it will only bring you down. I know that I don't want relationships anymore, because I figured out what you did. Relationships are a waste of time, they make you happy for a short while, but nothing lasts. I think I just figured out that I don't want to get married. I am as young as you, and right now this is my mindset. That may change, but I hope it doesn't.

 

I thought I wanted a relationship with this girl because I thought she was amazing and really didn't want anyone but her. Hey, look what happened. I had her, I lost her. That's how it goes with everyone. So what can we do?

 

How can we avoid these types of situations? When I get attracted to a girl and have feelings for her, I guess what I have to do is suppress those feelings. Basically try not to have feelings. Because in the end, it's just going to bring you down.

[SilkRose]

Maybe you should consider not having sex until a certain amount of time dating a guy then as opposed to the rest of a decade. Will allow you to date and have the chance of meeting someone who won't hurt you and will help you heal fully. Quality men will understand a girl who waits, but not a girl who is self-imposing celibacy as a defense mechanism, gives the idea you are too fragile and irreparably damaged to date at all.

 

IMO, don't date at all until you are healed enough to want a normal full relationship again.

What you're saying makes total sense. I'm a strong person, its just that heartbreak can hurt anyone badly. And I don't want to 'rebound' and hurt someone else. Recently went out on a date with someone fantastic, we work together so we made it was more of a casual thing. He is a great lovely guy but I didn't feel anything. That made me wonder, if I went out on a date with Mr Wonderful...hard working, educated handsome guy...what hope is there for me?

[SilkRose]

I really like this. You seem like you went through what is happening to me. Some girl I had a thing with for about a month decided she wasn't as into me as I was her. Whatever, **** happens. But then she told me she wanted to hang out and still talk. But hasn't made the effort yet to call me back after a week and a half or so.

 

Basically what I think she's saying is what has happened with you.

 

She taught me to never invest feelings, because eventually, once you think you have someone figured out, they change. I am not saying that I am not like that. But what I mean is that everyone is like that. Because we are all the same when it comes to this crap.

 

I like the fact you don't want relationships, because it will only bring you down. I know that I don't want relationships anymore, because I figured out what you did. Relationships are a waste of time, they make you happy for a short while, but nothing lasts. I think I just figured out that I don't want to get married. I am as young as you, and right now this is my mindset. That may change, but I hope it doesn't.

 

I thought I wanted a relationship with this girl because I thought she was amazing and really didn't want anyone but her. Hey, look what happened. I had her, I lost her. That's how it goes with everyone. So what can we do?

 

How can we avoid these types of situations? When I get attracted to a girl and have feelings for her, I guess what I have to do is suppress those feelings. Basically try not to have feelings. Because in the end, it's just going to bring you down.

Reading your comment is making me rethink my own. Its sounds so much worse when you say it. You sound like a nice guy, nice as in, you have genuine and sincere feeling for her. If she had felt the same...I think that your view would be different because you'd be happy. Your message saddens me because I don't want to encourage a 'nice guy' to suppress his feelings or to turn his back on love. So many genuine sincere kind young men are what women are practically crying out for. I went on a date recently - The only date I have had since we broke up three months ago. And the only date I have (with anyone decides him) since I met him 3 years ago. And the guy was lovely, so kind and very attractive but I just didn't feel anything. If I'm hoenst I don't want to feel like that forever. Totally emotionally numb to someone who does seem to be great, hardworking, educated, handsome, humble. Someone really worth getting to know. Hmm...Don't give up, you really sound like a good one. Hopefully she didn't mean to hurt you. Either way, you're what so many women would like. A guy who admits that he has emotions to begin with. That really does take courage.

[meerkat stew]

That made me wonder, if I went out on a date with Mr Wonderful...hard working, educated handsome guy...what hope is there for me?

 

It's just one guy, he can certainly be Mr. Wonderful on paper but not -your- Mr. Wonderful. We've all dated people that we "should have" clicked with but didn't for some reason. No biggie. Either you just didn't dig him in some way, which is totally natural regardless of his attributes, or you aren't quite ready to get "out there" again. It will come though.

[aroll32]

Reading your comment is making me rethink my own. Its sounds so much worse when you say it. You sound like a nice guy, nice as in, you have genuine and sincere feeling for her. If she had felt the same...I think that your view would be different because you'd be happy. Your message saddens me because I don't want to encourage a 'nice guy' to suppress his feelings or to turn his back on love. So many genuine sincere kind young men are what women are practically crying out for. I went on a date recently - The only date I have had since we broke up three months ago. And the only date I have (with anyone decides him) since I met him 3 years ago. And the guy was lovely, so kind and very attractive but I just didn't feel anything. If I'm hoenst I don't want to feel like that forever. Totally emotionally numb to someone who does seem to be great, hardworking, educated, handsome, humble. Someone really worth getting to know. Hmm...Don't give up, you really sound like a good one. Hopefully she didn't mean to hurt you. Either way, you're what so many women would like. A guy who admits that he has emotions to begin with. That really does take courage.

 

SilkRose, I am really happy that you said all of this. But I think you can relate to what I am saying though right? I really hope this girl doesn't just fade away because aside from all my feelings for her, I think she is one of the coolest people I know. And yes, my view would be different if she felt the same, but the thing is, she is the one who taught me to not want relationships. Because I know she liked me a lot, but for some reason (I think it was because she doesn't want a relationship, just how I am thinking now) she didn't want to continue talking to me at all. Which hurts so deeply because I loved a lot of things about her, just being around her made me so happy.

 

I really hope you're right though, maybe someday a girl will come and surprise me just like the last one. Because this last girl, I wish it wasn't like this, but she was the girl of my dreams. Pretty much about anything I would look for in a girl, she had those qualities. I guess I will just have to wait again for another that is better than her, like I have been doing for quite a while.

 

And yes, I know what you mean by feeling emotionally numb. I think a lot of girls are trying to give me signals they want to talk. But for some reason I just can't feel anything for any of them. Don't really know why.

 

Except for this girl I met last night. She was really cute and I hope to see sometime again soon, who knows what will happen right?

[SilkRose]

SilkRose, I am really happy that you said all of this. But I think you can relate to what I am saying though right? I really hope this girl doesn't just fade away because aside from all my feelings for her, I think she is one of the coolest people I know. And yes, my view would be different if she felt the same, but the thing is, she is the one who taught me to not want relationships. Because I know she liked me a lot, but for some reason (I think it was because she doesn't want a relationship, just how I am thinking now) she didn't want to continue talking to me at all. Which hurts so deeply because I loved a lot of things about her, just being around her made me so happy.

 

I really hope you're right though, maybe someday a girl will come and surprise me just like the last one. Because this last girl, I wish it wasn't like this, but she was the girl of my dreams. Pretty much about anything I would look for in a girl, she had those qualities. I guess I will just have to wait again for another that is better than her, like I have been doing for quite a while.

 

And yes, I know what you mean by feeling emotionally numb. I think a lot of girls are trying to give me signals they want to talk. But for some reason I just can't feel anything for any of them. Don't really know why.

 

Except for this girl I met last night. She was really cute and I hope to see sometime again soon, who knows what will happen right?

 

Thanks for your message, I understand what you're saying. It is tough. But it is so great that you even felt that way about her and unlike some men...had respect. My fave line being 'I loved a lot of things about her, just being around her made me so happy.' That describes so much of how I felt about him.

 

You seem to be a nice guy and the world needs more men to show the best of themselves. This new girl sounds interesting, why not get to know her.

 

One thing I have learned is that communication is so important. When people tell you things, really listen. If I'd listened to my ex more...but I can't blame myself I just have to learn something and do my best. From where I'm standing you are doing well. Don't give up and become a player

[SilkRose]

SilkRose, I am really happy that you said all of this. But I think you can relate to what I am saying though right? I really hope this girl doesn't just fade away because aside from all my feelings for her, I think she is one of the coolest people I know. And yes, my view would be different if she felt the same, but the thing is, she is the one who taught me to not want relationships. Because I know she liked me a lot, but for some reason (I think it was because she doesn't want a relationship, just how I am thinking now) she didn't want to continue talking to me at all. Which hurts so deeply because I loved a lot of things about her, just being around her made me so happy.

 

I really hope you're right though, maybe someday a girl will come and surprise me just like the last one. Because this last girl, I wish it wasn't like this, but she was the girl of my dreams. Pretty much about anything I would look for in a girl, she had those qualities. I guess I will just have to wait again for another that is better than her, like I have been doing for quite a while.

 

And yes, I know what you mean by feeling emotionally numb. I think a lot of girls are trying to give me signals they want to talk. But for some reason I just can't feel anything for any of them. Don't really know why.

 

Except for this girl I met last night. She was really cute and I hope to see sometime again soon, who knows what will happen right?

 

Thanks for your message, I understand what you're saying. It is tough. But it is so great that you even felt that way about her and unlike some men...had respect. My fave line being 'I loved a lot of things about her, just being around her made me so happy.' That describes so much of how I felt about him.

 

You seem to be a nice guy and the world needs more men to show the best of themselves. This new girl sounds interesting, why not get to know her. But don't compare her to your previous girlfriend. That's a tough one but worth it. She's her own person. Anyone you meet is there own person and deserves a chance. Meerkat Stew's advice is so right!

 

One thing I have learned is that communication is so important. When people tell you things, really listen. If I'd listened to my ex more...but I can't blame myself I just have to learn something and do my best. From where I'm standing you are doing well. Don't give up and become a player Keep being a lovely guy! A lovely guy who says lovely things, even about his ex, and means them.

 

By the way if I do ever fall in love again...I'm gonna...show my appreiciation in every way.

[SilkRose]

This is all true AND it sounds like something I would say! However, when I find myself thinking this way, the nagging thought remains...

 

This line of thinking makes you a QUITTER. Period. There is no sugar coating it.

 

Then I wonder what would happen to my life if I approached everything this way. I lost a job I loved due to the economy. I've lost other jobs due to having a dickhead of a boss, or because I smoke weed on a Sunday afternoon.

 

Did I just up and say forget it??? Nope. I started my own business the same day I got laid off. I forgot to mention I found out my girlfriend at the time was cheating on me too. I am glad as hell I did not give up back then!

 

Look at it this way - Your chances of finding meaningful, lasting love is minute. But if you give up all together, your chance is 0%.

 

I know what you mean. But I'm so hurt and I have to move forward with my life. I had lots of other things to deal with, family issues, stress from everywhere and my feeligns for my ex just made everything worse and harder. I really can't go through THAT kind of pain again. I guess its something I'll have to figure out over time. Having said that your message is funny, touching and really constructive. So Thanks!

[BG1985]

aroll, that girl just wasn't too interested in a relationship with you. She said she wanted to be friends just so your feelings wouldn't get hurt. Usually when a girl says she doesn't want to be in a relationship, it really means she just doesn't want a relationship with you. If/when the right guy comes along, she'll change her tune pretty quickly. If this girl liked you, she would have been in a relationship with you.

[neowulf]

No harm in taking the time to properly heal and getting to know "You" again.

 

In many ways, once you take the focus off "being in a relationship" life becomes much simplier.

 

Focus on you, do what you love and the rest usually just falls into place.

 

Given your physical description, I suspect when you're ready to rejoin the market, you won't be waiting long.

 

Good luck!

[aroll32]

BG, I know what you are trying to say, but I have some evidence that would argue your quote.

 

I know she really liked me, a lot. She gave me all the signs that she did, so I have them back. But what her problem is she doesn't want a relationship period. She told my friend she's never getting married. She has commitment issues. And on top of that, she hasn't ever had a relationship.

 

I know that she did like me a lot, but she definitely lead me on. Because from my viewpoint it looked like she was going to be ready to get in a relationship with me. But I told my friend what she said to me, that she isn't good with relationships and doesn't know what to do. He said that is typical of her. I just wish I would've known that before I invested my emotions

 

She still hurt me after all of this too, she said she wanted to still talk and be friends and stuff. Haven't heard from her in about two weeks. I've gotten over it though, and I am happy she hasn't called. If she did, she would try and suck me into her blanket. What I mean by that is she doesn't want to lose me, because I told her that I liked her a lot. And she knows that she has me to fall back on. Too bad I won't be there to catch her, but hey, that's her fault right?

[BG1985]

Definitely her fault. Whether or not this girl truly doesn't like relationships, it doesn't matter because she doesn't want a relationship with you either way. Try to not repeat the mistake of falling too hard too quickly for a girl. Is this the first girl you've felt this way for? If so, usually the first one is the worst dealing with because it's a new feeling that you don't think can happen again. It gets easier in the future. Now don't have a knee-jerk reaction and swear off relationships for the rest of your life. However don't get into a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship.

[aroll32]

Yes, this is the first girl I had real feelings for. Meaning that I cared about her way too much. She was normally the only thing on my mind. And I loved it. So yeah, I did fall too hard too quick, because we were moving pretty quick. But now I know to be more careful though. I haven't had a girl have this effect on my life ever. I was pretty down and upset for more than a week. Especially because I wasn't talking to her at all. We are going to the same school next semester so I hope we can stay friends and everything.

 

I learn from my mistakes though, I am very glad everything happened the way it did. Because now I know not to just invest all my emotions in a girl just because she is showing me a lot of interest. It was the hardest I fell, and it was the worst I have felt in my life. I didn't even want to eat, much less get out of bed. But then I snapped, realized what the hell am I doing? Yeah I liked this girl a lot, but she shouldn't stop me from being who I am. But I learned a valuable lesson, and I will never forget this girl

[boogieboy]

Hey Silk, youre already realizing that you wont be healing forever, and you know you will want to get in the game again, and that this is just emotions talking.

 

There will be a time (probably after you finish school for good) where you will get the urge to "dip your lil patties in the water".

You will actually look forward to it because you will be wiser after getting over this heartbreak.

 

You will also realize that you wont want to waste time being celebate as it is not the solution to avoiding getting hurt.

 

You will have to get more skilled at choosing the characteristics of whoever your dating, so you pick a better candidate next time. Since you wont have trouble getting dates when you uncover, you can remember the red flags that your ex showed you in the beginning, and get plenty of practice seeing those red flags in people and weed those guys out.

 

You will be wiser for it, and feel better for it, and you will know how to avoid getting hurt as well next time. We've all been though it, its a learning process, but you will see clearer once all these negative emotions have left you.

 

Actually, being celibate wont be good for you because you associate that with the avoidance of hurt, which keeps a connection to heartbreak, and will keep you from fully moving on. Think about that one.

[BG1985]

Aroll, there is no purpose in staying friends with this girl. Seeing how she doesn't talk to you anymore, I think she has no intention of remaining friends with you. I tried to remain friends with my ex but in the end I always wanted more out of it. Trying to be friends with this girl won't allow you to move on with your life. Get out, have fun with your friends, and meet new girls. Once you meet new girls you like, you'll forget about that other girl who gave you so much trouble.

[aroll32]

BG, again I know what you are trying to say, but I don't see any reason why we SHOULDN'T be friends. We have a lot in common. And if she doesn't want to see me romantically, then I don't really care. Because as of now, I pretty much lost all feelings for her. Because my friend came over today, and shed some light on who she is. I took what she did to me to heart because I thought she wasn't going to just lead me on. But she did that to my friend. And now, I am not really upset about it at all. That's who she is, and I can't change that. She doesn't want any relationships with anyone. So, why not be friends? I don't have feelings for her, and cannot develop them anymore. Because I now know who she is, and that for me gave me enough incentive to not want her. I mean, sexually, yes. But not in any other way. Does this make sense to you? Because I know exactly what you are telling me, but for some reason, I had a similar experience with a girl just like her, and now, we are great friends. And I could see us being great friends down the road, just not right now.