husband now left for ow

[loltel]

hi everyone

 

my husband had been very cold to me for a few months, we did have some ongoing issues with our relationship, then on xmas eve i discovered many text messages to a woman he works with, declaring his undying love etc, i raged at him and asked him to leave which he did and moved in with his brother, after a week he came back and asked if we could make a new start and that there had been nothing physical with her and it was all just words and she listened to him, made him feel special etc - he stayed at home 2 weeks and then said he was so in love with her and he left, the relationship is now full on and physical and he is besotted with her.

he still rings me everyday to ask if i am ok and that he cares massively for me but we need to sort finances etc, he has agreed to pay half the mortgage and has opened a new bank account and tranfered money - but he still rings 2/3 times a day, his family keep me in contact and say he asks all the time if i am ok

 

any advice please

[LucreziaBorgia]

I would suggest a solid 180. If you do a Google search on

 

divorce busting 180

 

you'll come up with a list and some helpful information, etc. to help you get through this. It is basically a list of things you can do that will help you facilitate healing, and it will show your H just how things are going to be without you. It is forcing him to see that he cannot have it both ways. Then the hard choices will set in, along with reality - which generally speaking shakes their head right out of their ass.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

Sorry you are going through this. Please don't take this loser back, you deserve a much better life then discovering something so hurtful on christmas eve!! He will come crawling back...so be prepared.

[1_trick_pony]

I think you need to go 'no contact' or at least minimal contact to only sort out financial details. He calls 2-3 a day to see how you're doing? Please! He's lost the right to know how you're doing.

 

It's just something he does to make *himself* feel better. If he cared how *you* were doing, he wouldn't have done this to you! If I were you, I tell him not to call unless its completely business related. He has lost the right to know how you are doing.

 

Do you guys have any kids?

[Samantha0905]

If he calls you three times a day, answer once a week -- and that's only if you have children.

 

Get a lawyer to sort out the finances. Protect yourself.

[loltel]

thank you so much for your replies.

 

but i so dearly want him to come home and try and sort this out

 

blueeyedjonesy, what do you mean by soon come crawling back ?

 

his brother has been in touch with me and said he has listened to phone calls he has with this woman, and he is telling her everything about our relationship, the good, the bad, financial, just everything constantly he is talking about me - is this normal for a man in love with this new woman.

 

his brother asked him why he is doing this and he said because she listens to me and treats me like she loves me and wants to know all about me and he can tell her anything about problems and she listens

 

we have a daughter from my first marriage and my niece came to live with us after my sister died. he does not have any children of his own

Edited February 2, 2010 by loltel

[jwi71]

1) Hire lawyer and FILE for D TODAY

2) Lean on your friends and family

3) Find an IC

4) Tell HIS family that because he has run off with another woman, that should NOT contact you as you are NO LONGER family. (Just do this...because you GET the opposite from them...trust me).

5) NC (refuse any contact with him...refer him to the lawyer in 1 above).

 

These are some FIRST STEPS.

I would also ask your lawyer if you can:

1) change the locks

2) close the bank account and open a new one

 

Good luck dear...and don't worry, he and the OW will likely fall apart. And fast. In fact, the moment your stbxh gets served D papers...this little fantasy of his falls to pieces...

[JoyDevine]

 

but i so dearly want him to come home and try and sort this out

 

The best advice here was in the very first post. (since you don't want a divorce)

[loltel]

hi

 

well, he called me this morning and i answered being all bright and breezy, said i was fine etc etc, then he went into this spiel about now he has spent his first full week with the new woman he is so totally in love with her and she is the best? he said she knows him inside out now and listens to his every word and besides that they have fun, even just watching tv.

i admit i said he was a cruel man to say these things and was alittle bit stumped - he then asked the normal stuff, was the dog ok, did i remember to get.....stuff, remember to put bins out

 

what is going on

[greengoddess]

Maybe he is trying to convince himself he is happy and made the right decision. It's so early to tell and yes that was cruel.

 

Hang in there. Try not to talk to him. He is not your friend. Would you be friends with someone who treated you this way.? Short answers, say goodbye quickly. This is not alright. Don't let him alleviate his guilt by thinking everything is just perfect and you'll be friends.

[SarahRose]

Honey, I know you want him to come back but being a doormat isn't going to get him to come back.

 

How dare he call you up and tell him how happy he is with the new woman?

 

Why did you even bother to keep talking to him? You should have hung up.

 

Get some self-esteem and ignore him.

 

If he does get a hold of you, start talking about your new wonderful boyfriend(even if you don't have one)

 

Get legal advice and counseling.

[2sure]

What he wants here is to not be the bad guy. He wants to betray you and leave you but not be blamed for it. Life just is not that way.

[Jeff1962]

hi

 

well, he called me this morning and i answered being all bright and breezy, said i was fine etc etc, then he went into this spiel about now he has spent his first full week with the new woman he is so totally in love with her and she is the best? he said she knows him inside out now and listens to his every word and besides that they have fun, even just watching tv.

i admit i said he was a cruel man to say these things and was alittle bit stumped - he then asked the normal stuff, was the dog ok, did i remember to get.....stuff, remember to put bins out

 

what is going on

 

Very cruel indeed. For your future relationships, ask your STBX why he feels that you did not listen to him and ask him to be brutally honest. Then consider going to counseling for yourself so that this is not repeated, IF this is true. It could also be that your husband is using this as an excuse.

 

Sounds to me like your husband is trying to punish you emotionally by telling you details about his new woman because he still has feelings for you. I don't know either of you but he sounds like a cruel SOB.

 

I would ask him not to ring me unless it was absoutley necessary. Embrace your hurt, work on yourself. Make yourself not available to him unless it is pertnant to finances or house. He needs to be reminded that he is no longer your friend. Even when he comes crawling back, which he probably will once his new woman and him hit a snag, DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK. Start seeing yourself dating again, keep it casual and enjoy yourself.

 

Sorry this has happened. Consider yourself lucky that you found out. Keep us updated. You can get some good advice on here and some people really seem to care.

 

Take care.

[Spark1111]

I agree about the 180, and 2sure is spot on. He is also trying to convince his paramour that he is the wonderful man he sees reflected back in her eyes, taking such care to ensure you are okay. This way, they can BOTH FEEL less guilty.

 

But you are not okay now, not about this situation, and you shouldn't be trying to make his affair ANY EASIER FOR THE BOTH OF THEM.

 

Let them have their relationship. Take YOURSELF out of their affair dynamic.

 

Get good and angry (YOU SHOULD BE) and stop picking up the phone! Get busy with all the advice posted above.

[1_trick_pony]

hi

 

then he went into this spiel about now he has spent his first full week with the new woman he is so totally in love with her and she is the best? he said she knows him inside out now and listens to his every word and besides that they have fun, even just watching tv.

 

 

Honestly sweetie, why would you want to put yourself through this. Try going "No Contact" for 30 days, or if you MUST have contact for business keep as light contact as possible and only talk about business.

 

What he does with his new friend is out of your control, its now time to concentrate on healing. I know you want this relationship to recover, you don't have to necessarily draw up divorce papers now but for your own mental health you, believe me, you MUST go no contact.

[freestyle]

Man, I can't believe he would actually rub your nose in it like that.

 

I came across this in reading Not Just Friends (by Shirley Glass,highly recommended)........

 

That on occasion, a wayward spouse will be so far out in left field, and oblivious to your feelings, that they will actually expect you to be happy for their new-found "happiness".

 

It sounds like your WH is in a fog so thick that he couldn't see his own hand in front of his face. Which leads me to predict that he's going to be in for a very rude awakening, when reality invades his little fantasy world.

 

To protect your heart, you are best off keepin things "all business" with him. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

[loltel]

hi all

 

 

just an update

 

husband phoned me friday and said he had looked at some flats butnothing was suitable, he then said that the ow was with him and he wanted to tell me before anyone else did because they had been seen - at the place where they both work they announced to all and sundry that they were now an official couple with great delight.

he has now transfered money from our joint account into his new account and had phoned me today to ask to meet tomorrow so we can go to bank and take his name from the joint account.

he also rang a niece today (she lived with us and we were her guardians) she told him she wanted him to come home but he said he has moved on now and wants his own place, said he loves and misses her but that he has made his decision.

 

where do i go from here

[Samantha0905]

hi

 

well, he called me this morning and i answered being all bright and breezy, said i was fine etc etc, then he went into this spiel about now he has spent his first full week with the new woman he is so totally in love with her and she is the best? he said she knows him inside out now and listens to his every word and besides that they have fun, even just watching tv.

i admit i said he was a cruel man to say these things and was alittle bit stumped - he then asked the normal stuff, was the dog ok, did i remember to get.....stuff, remember to put bins out

 

what is going on

 

He's an insensitive ass. That's what is going on. I apologize for my frankness, but nobody should ever put up with that type of behavior.

 

hi all

 

 

just an update

 

husband phoned me friday and said he had looked at some flats butnothing was suitable, he then said that the ow was with him and he wanted to tell me before anyone else did because they had been seen - at the place where they both work they announced to all and sundry that they were now an official couple with great delight.

he has now transfered money from our joint account into his new account and had phoned me today to ask to meet tomorrow so we can go to bank and take his name from the joint account.

he also rang a niece today (she lived with us and we were her guardians) she told him she wanted him to come home but he said he has moved on now and wants his own place, said he loves and misses her but that he has made his decision.

 

where do i go from here

 

Why do you listen?

 

You go to an attorney. I know it hurts. Get an IC.

 

Your husband is an abusive man.

[Devil Inside]

Loltel...I'm sorry for this sad turn of events. It sounds so horribly painful.

 

I'm going to offer you some insight from a man that has cheated, and has considered leaving. If he actually went through with it..then he has made his choice. Even if he were to come back he would be ambivalent about staying and she would always be a part of the picture in some way. I am so sorry.

 

I agree with most here that you need to get yourself a support team to help you deal with the emotionally roller coaster. Get a good friend, someone that you trust, and sit down with them and tell them you need them to keep you sane and to make sure you are making logical decisions. Get legal representation, you will be glad you did. Go and get into therapy. You are going to need someone to help you resolve these huge loss. You will also need someone to help yopu to fully accept that this M is over, and that way you can handle the situation from that frame of mind rather then someone that is hoping he comes back.

 

Those phone calls sound so brutal...ouch. I think he has lost his mind. If I had left my W I do not think I would be calling her to update her on my life and then asking questions like nothing has happened. He is in denial about what has happened. Maybe you can email him and ask that he only email you with questions specific to the handling of the finances or other joint responsibilities. You do not want to discuss how the two of you are doing on the aftermath.

 

Hang in there.

[CarrieT]

1. Transfer ALL of the money out of the account until it can be decided by a lawyer how much each of you get. Do that before he takes it and spends it.

 

2. Get a lawyer.

 

3. Do NOT answer his phone calls at all. Ever. Let your lawyer deal with him.

 

4. Get a support group together ASAP.

[Woman In Blue]

Loltel, people here have been giving you great advice and you're not listening to them.

 

You keep posting about the latest antics of that complete ass you were unfortunate enough to marry, and everyone takes the time to post back to you offering advice and things you can do to protect yourself emotionally and financially.

 

But you're not even READING what they're suggesting! You just keep posting updates and asking "what should I do?" but when people suggest what you can do, you don't even acknowledge them.

 

Several people have highly advised that you follow the 180. You've ignored their advice and continue talking to this jerkoff and being a doormat for him. More than several people - NUMEROUS TIMES - have advised you to get to a lawyer NOW and you haven't mentioned a thing about those suggestions either. You just keep letting this loser steamroll you and then you come running back to the forum to ask "what do I do now?"

 

Then when everyone takes the time to address your situation, you ignore their suggestions.

 

What do you want to hear? That it's all magically going to get better without ANY effort on your part? That it's all just going to go away?

 

In a perfect world, maybe it all would. But it's NOT a perfect world.

 

You can either start following the 180 - which is designed to help YOU cope, or continue allowing this nonsense to happen over and over and over every time he calls you. You can choose to go to a lawyer so you're PROTECTED financially, or you can ignore that suggestion TOO and come back to the forum months from now, crying that you're dirt poor because that rotten jerk husband of yours took every penny he COULD while you did nothing.

 

The choice is yours.

[Gmalea]

Dear Loltel,

 

I can see whats happening here. You want him back at any cost and any shred of hope he gives,you hang onto it for dear life. Whereas he wants to play the victim, making you feel almost guilty for wanting to hang on to him. His cruelty in telling you how happy he is with this OW is just that - trying to wash off his guilt, thinking he made the right decision. At the same time he seems to want your approval for it, so i think he must be going through some moments of remorse or guilt but not enough to make him want to come back to you. He needs a hard dose of reality to break his fantasy of this OW. I know you don't want to do it but you will have to take some hard decisions if you want him to come to his senses. Listen to all the advise people have been giving you about taking legal help. Don't keep living in the fantasy that he is going to come back to you just like that. He may have been your lover and best friend but right now he is your enemy ( regardless of the 'guilt laundering' as i call it- going on).

I wish you courage and strength to go through this terrible trauma in your life. I am in the same situation too.

[D-Lish]

Don't lower yourself to being his sounding board with regard to his new, "happy" life. His phone calls are about him, not you- so don't play along.