Britney23 Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 2 weeks ago my dad tried to commit suicide. Not because he wanted to die but because he wanted to "hurt me." He's a manipulative, controlling person and I have been through so much because of it and I dont think it will ever end because he will always be my father. My parents were married for 20 years since I was born and they were in a domestic violent and abusive relationship for that whole time. Until my mum eventually got the courage to leave 2.5 years ago. I think she stayed for so long for the sake of us kids (I am the eldest of three) and also because he can be really nice at times and remorseful after an 'incident'. E.g. he has broke my mum's nose, shoved her around, "accidently" sliced my sisters hand open with a knife, is cruel to our pet dog for no reason, the list goes on and on. Anyways, after mum left two years ago, dad appeared to have totally changed. He didnt drink for six weeks and promised to change and be a better person. Even joined AA. At the time I was living out of home but I would talk to him on the phone up to three times a day sometimes for an hour counselling him out of his depression. During this time, my mum had a manic episode and got diagnosed with bipolar and was in a mental ward for about 3 months. This was very hard to deal with, especially for me as she turned against me and said a lot of hurtful things when she wasnt herself. I was the only one who visited her at hospital practically everyday during this time. Her parents didnt want to accept her illness and it took two years for them to finally realise. I was studying law and commerce full time at this point so it was very draining on me and I was probably depressed myself. Put on about 6kgs and stopped going out and having fun with my friends as much as I used to. Anyways, my mum is a completely different story. And I am happy to say she is on medication, happily remarried and full of life again 2.5 years later. We are very close. Interestingly enough I believe that my mum's bipolar was hidden due to my dad's controlling personality. Dad met someone new (not serious) and got over feeling sorry for himself and began to drink excessively again. He also works shift work and doesnt sleep very well which can be attributed to his moodiness. I had to move back in with my dad 2 years ago because he stopped paying my rent and as I was studying fulltime I could not afford to pay for it myself despite working 2 casual jobs. Also I wanted to move out because my housemate had began taking drugs a lot and had drug dealers as friends which I didn't want to deal with anymore.. Living with my dad has not been easy. He is extremely moody and will threaten to kick me out often. Thankfully, I am able to stay over at my boyfriends house majority of the time (about 4/5 nights per week). He has lost his licence for drink driving and he expects everyone (mainly me) to drive him around whenever he wants to go. Once I was tired and not enthusiastic about it so he threw my car keys at me, even though I said I would do it. You can never ever say no to him or he throws a tantrum like a 2 year old. He expects everything to go his own way and I feel like I have to walk around him on eggshells when he's in an angry mood. Two weeks ago I asked him nicely if he could put his laptop on mute because he was on chat and it was beeping every 2 secs and I thought maybe he didnt know how to do it. He was very drunk at the time. This lead to a 3 hour argument about how I was a b$%ch, etc. He was yelling aggressively one minute then crying the next how no one cares about him. It was really hard to deal with. He was saying that I put all my problems onto him. And I said "you're my only problem." Anyway this led to him taking 10 sleeping tablets and telling me he wanted to kill himself because "this is what I want." I called the ambulance and he went to hospital overnight. I honestly thought that this would be a good thing because he would get the help he needs but unfortunately not. He told the psychiatrist that he didnt want to kill himself, he knew what he was doing, he just wanted to hurt me because "apparently" I was hurting him. Surprisingly, that is a sane thing to do to hurt your daughter like this because the psychiatrist just let him go back home. I cried and cried saying why would you do such a thing, how would you feel if I slit my wrists in front of you because I wanted to hurt you? He then began to feel remorse and promised me he wouldnt drink. The psychiatrist said the aggression, depression, etc was all because of his drinking problem. Well his promise lasted a total of 4 days and now he has started drinking again. The tension is already building and I hate this so much! My mum who lives further away in a very small house (so can't live with her) and everyone tells me I need to move out and distance myself but its not that easy. My boyfriend is "not ready" to move in with me, wants it to be for the right reasons not just because I am running away from a problem. All my close friends that are like me are living happily at home. And I have looked at heaps of shared accommodation with strangers but I would rather wait until I find good people and a nice house at an affordable price. It is also stressing me out feeling like I have to be in a "hurry" to move out when I have got enough going on... The worst thing is I am scared of what mental problems I am going to have and feel sorry for the guy who ends up marrying me... I wonder sometimes that I am going to be like my dad. I am very insecure and can be irrational at times and I dont like being told "no". I have a lot of good though like I can admit when I'm wrong, I am not jealous at all. But lately I have got into this very bad habit of threatening to break up with my boyfriend every few weeks over the stupidest things and I want to know how do I stop this? How do I change? Please help me.
Sweetcheripie Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 Oh wow sweetie I'm so sorry for the mess you are in. First thing I can suggest is finding a support meeting for Adult Children of Alcoholics. You need support. You do need to get away from your father. He beat your mother - what is to stop him from physically hurting you? Can your mother or grandparents help you out financially so that you can move out? You are not responsible to take care of your father. Please look up Al Anon or info for Adult Children of Alcoholics. The fears that you have are normal. Just take care of yourself right now.
Author Britney23 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 Thank you so much for replying. I know I wrote a lot but it felt good writing out everything. My dad has never physically abused me but he has verbally and emotionally abused me so I do feel that I need to move out. My mother and grandparents said they would help as best they can but they dont have any money themselves. Mum pretty much had to start her life from scratch and was unemployed for the past 2.5 years practically due to her illness. My grandparents spent their last savings to buy my mum a house so there isn't anything left for me. I have never heard of support groups for Adult Children of Alcoholics. I googled it and found a group that holds weekly meetings in my area. I also read an article and I discovered a lot about why I am the way I am. Thank you!
Normalguy Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 He abuses the dog for no reason? That's horrible! Call the cops on him for animal cruelty next time he does that.
Author Britney23 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 Yes I know my dog is really old and coughs a lot because his throat is collapsing. My dad responds to this by yelling at him and then picks up his basket to throw him out of it. I guess that is a 'reason' in his mind but my poor innocent dog can't help it. But its not that easy to just call the police on your own father when you're in my position. I would be so scared of what he would do to me. And at the end of the day he is still my dad and does go through nice phases which just makes it all the more confusing. I dont want him out of my life for good. Part of me feels sorry for him because I dont think he can even comprehend how his behaviour affects the people/animals he loves at all. In his mind he's normal and always right.
hersmudders Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 please definitely look into Al-Anon or ACOA. My mom is an alcoholic and I too felt like a mental case and like I didn't deserve to find a nice guy b/c I'm too crazy as a result of all of the stuff my mom put me through as a kid (she's a rageaholic when she's drunk, much like your father is). Al-Anon has saved me b/c it has taught me to work on ME and not on my mom anymore (i was forever trying...and failing....to fix her). I've since learned so much about myself and am continuing to do so. It's an amazing program and it will help you. You just have to give it a chance. Good luck.
sugarmomma Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 So glad to hear you found an Alanon meeting in your area. Give it a chance since it will change your life for the better. 12 step programs are the most amazing creation of the century.
hersmudders Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 So glad to hear you found an Alanon meeting in your area. Give it a chance since it will change your life for the better. 12 step programs are the most amazing creation of the century. definitely agree. therapy never worked for me. i went through countless therapists to find out what was wrong wiht me. could never figure it out. sat through two al-anon meetings and knew that was the place for me. it's been 2 years now and i've found out so much about myself and how to deal with things so much better.
Author Britney23 Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 hersmudders, i'm sorry to hear that we share the same experience but its good to know that you got the help that you need. I rang up a hotline today and I am on a waiting list to get free one-on-one counselling with someone in my area. Thank you so much sugarmomma for pointing me in the right direction. Because I am still in my youth it is considered more of a priority so I can probably see someone in the next week or so The person on the phone just wanted some background information and I ended up breaking down in tears on the phone and told him so much. It was so unexpected but I just couldn't help it. I am so grateful for everyone that posted and I am feeling positive about getting some professional help for FREE!
Sweetcheripie Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Good for you Britney23! Sounds like you are definitely taking the steps to take care of yourself. Great job!!!
Author Britney23 Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 Thank you! I told my dad I was getting counselling and he laughed and thought I was joking. The only reason I told him was because I was making myself feel physically ill from not telling him, it was strange. He actually took it pretty well though which was good but he denied being an alcoholic. Even though I made him do an online quiz thing and it made me realise just how bad his drinking problem really is, he drinks A LOT! but he thinks its good that he doesn't drink for either 1 or 2 days per week but once he starts he can't stop after just 1 or 2. He said my boyfriend will probably be the same as him in a couple of years (untrue) and that I should be more worried about mum smoking because she is probably going to get cancer and die at a younger age. He was just deflecting the issue. I wish that I had somewhere I could live away from him.. I also live an hour and half drive away from my work, friends and boyfriend. Does anyone know ways that you can speed up your boyfriend wanting to live with you?
hersmudders Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Thank you! I told my dad I was getting counselling and he laughed and thought I was joking. The only reason I told him was because I was making myself feel physically ill from not telling him, it was strange. He actually took it pretty well though which was good but he denied being an alcoholic. Even though I made him do an online quiz thing and it made me realise just how bad his drinking problem really is, he drinks A LOT! but he thinks its good that he doesn't drink for either 1 or 2 days per week but once he starts he can't stop after just 1 or 2. He said my boyfriend will probably be the same as him in a couple of years (untrue) and that I should be more worried about mum smoking because she is probably going to get cancer and die at a younger age. He was just deflecting the issue. I wish that I had somewhere I could live away from him.. I also live an hour and half drive away from my work, friends and boyfriend. Does anyone know ways that you can speed up your boyfriend wanting to live with you? You have to realize you can't make anyone do anything, especially if they are addicts. Making your dad take a quiz won't change the answer you already know. Alcoholics know they're alcoholics but choose not to admit it b/c they're not ready to stop. No amount of pleading or begging will make them stop (trust me on this, I've tried and I'm sure you have too). They have to hit their bottom before they get help. And sometimes they never hit their bottom. Sometimes the disease takes them before they reach their bottom. But you have to realize there's not one tiny or big thing you can do to change that. As for moving in with your boyfriend, do not force him into anything he isn't ready to do b/c you need someone to save you from your surroundings. Take care of yourself first before someone else takes on that role.
Author Britney23 Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 Yeah I know but him doing that quiz made me realise just how much he does drink which was way more than I thought. I think because he's built up such a tolerance to it sometimes I cant even tell when he's drunk.. Unfortunately I dont think he will ever change, and I know its stupid to want to help him but I can't help trying. Its just so disappointing when he makes promises and is so believable then breaks them. You're right in regards to my boyfriend. I just have to be patient...
Recommended Posts