Got approached by a really cute girl. How should I investigate?

[Don'tWannabeAWannabe]

I know, it seems crazy; just 1 night after posting here about my problems meeting girls, I actually got approached by an incredibly gorgeous girl at a bar today.

 

I was just out after work and doing some independent studying at a bar; just reviewing old lecture notes and text books just to keep sharp for when I make it to grad school.

 

There were these college age kids there; 4 guys, 2 girls, and they were EXTREMELY loud, but I still managed to block them out and concentrate.

 

After a while, this amazingly beautiful girl came to my table and said "Hey, are you studying right now?" I said "Yeah, I am."

 

She said, "I'm so sorry if we're being really loud." I laughed and said "It's alright. If I was at home, I'd either be playing videogames or wanking on my guitar right now."

 

She said, "what are you studying?"

 

I told her "neurobiology" and she said, "No way! I'm graduating with a degree in neurobiology this semester!"

 

I said, "Oh wow, beauty AND brains. That's really hard to find." She giggled and said thank you.

 

We then asked what schools we go to, and then, I felt myself freezing up and running out of things to say. I desperately didn't want to hit and awkward silence, so I ended it on a high and energetic note and said "Hey listen. Don't worry about your friends. Have fun tonight."

 

She said, thanks and good luck and went back to her friends.

 

I IMMEDIATELY regretted not going for her contact info, but she was with a bunch of obnoxious guys, and being the nerd that I am, I didn't want to piss of the "alpha-male," if you know what I mean, by making a play for her infront of him.

 

I just studied for about an hour more, but on my way out, I went up to her and said "Hey it was nice talking to you." She said "you too, I'm ______ by the way."

 

I said "I'm ______."

 

She told me the name of a bar she works at, and that I should come visit her sometime, and I said "definitely." Some guy was pestering her to talk to him, so I just quickly asked her to spell her full name on my phone so I can facebook her.

 

 

So anyway, here I am. I just sent her a friend request. How should I investigate this? She's really pretty, seemed really sweet and smart. I would love to date her. And she did come up to me first and tell me to come visit her at work.

 

BUT (and this is a big "but") I have been let down by girls who I thought were into me because they approached me, but were just looking to make small talk or, at best, a new guy-friend rather than a boyfriend or a lover. I really don't want to get my hopes up only to be let down again.

 

I want to go visit her at her bar and get some more time to talk personally and ask her for a date, but I know that's always hard at work, especially at a bar.

 

I was thinking of going tomorrow night since it'll be Tuesday, and bars shouldn't be that busy on Tuesday, but I'm afraid that will come off as too soon and desperate.

 

But I'm not free until Friday, and bars will be busy on a Friday night. I'm afraid she'll be too busy for me to talk to her or ask her out or that she'll forget about me by then.

 

Any thoughts or suggestions?

[meerkat stew]

Don't go to her bar, that's a giant trap... not one laid by her, just generally. Very small chance of payoff, very large chance of CBing and other noise. Also, by doing that, you are walking into an environment where men hit on her every day, her natural defenses may be more up without her even realizing it.

 

Instead, once she accepts your friend request, write her on FB and ask for her number. If she gives you her number, call her within 24 hours and ask her when her night off is and to go out that night. Take her somewhere different from her work environment on your date, preferably an active date where you can play off each other. Good luck.

[Don'tWannabeAWannabe]

Don't go to her bar, that's a giant trap... not one laid by her, just generally. Very small chance of payoff, very large chance of CBing and other noise. Also, by doing that, you are walking into an environment where men hit on her every day, her natural defenses may be more up without her even realizing it.

 

Even on an off night during the week? And what's "CBing?"

[boogieboy]

CBing is Cock Blocking. Meerkat is right, dont go to her bar. Plus she knows you would be going there just to talk to her, which gives her the power. You messed up by not keeping the conversation going in the other place, but you panicked and couldnt think ahead, not your fault.

 

I wouldnt advise hitting a girl up on facebook really, its a cowards way to ask a girl for her number, and you cant really build up attraction to get the number.

 

I know the reason you couldnt ask her for her number at the other spot, you instinctively knew that you didnt talk to her enough and build enough attraction from her to ask for her number. This is the reason that those women that approached you put you in the friend zone after they talk to you. Theyre interested when they approach you, but you dont have any game to keep them attracted beyond your looks so they get dissappointed and bail. But keep in mind, for the most part, they dont approach you to make a new friend.

 

BTW, you NEVER get your hopes up, you treat every woman as if they will flake on you. You will never be surprised, and you dont get invested before you kiss them.

[Calendula]

I've approached guys I'm interested in before (one quite recently), and believe me, it sucks waiting to hear back from them (meerkat knows what I'm talking about). I'm also the nerdy type, and most of the time my worry is whether a guy will follow up when I approach them or be scared off by my directness. If I was in her shoes, this is what I would be thinking, and what I would want you to do.

 

She approached you. This means she is interested, and right now she is probably wondering if you will follow up on her invitation to visit her at the bar where she works. If I was her, I would say go early on Tuesday to hang out and talk with her before it gets busy. You might call the bar and see if she is working that night, first, however. I would bet anything that most of the guys she hangs out with are the 'obnoxious type' and that she friend-zone mosts of them. I would also bet that she would be attracted to the nerdy type, i.e. you, if only because you are different than the idiots she has to deal with on a daily basis when working at a bar. I mean really, how many neurobiologists do you figure come into a bar at night to get drunk and party, much less hit on the bartender because she is smart, or want to talk to her about what she has decided to make a career out of (her degree)?

 

I would shy away from requesting her phone number over Facebook, if only because it is so impersonal and you don't know all that much about her yet. Instead, I would suggest talking to her first at the bar and asking her for her phone number in person before the end of the evening, depending on how the conversation goes. You may even be able to ask her out for lunch or coffee depending on how you end the evening. If you hang out most of the night, you could always take her to an all-night breakfast joint when she gets off work, so you two could keep talking. IF it gets busy and harder to have a conversation, then you have a reason to ask her out if only so you can continue your conversation later in a more pleasant environment. Just depends on how things go.

 

As far as what the other guys say about 'being in her territory' etc, sure, she may be on her ground, and she may have her 'flirting defenses up' but she will also be more comfortable there. Remember, she doesn't know you, and all she was going on when she talked to you earlier was a feeling and an impression that you seemed interesting. Being at work gives her a quick out (work) and friendly defenders (co-workers) if it turns out you are a creep. In other words, she will feel safe there, and even though she is working, she might be more likely to relax with you and talk more honestly. If you can get up the nerve to show up and hang out, then it also shows that you have the guts and confidence to follow up on her invitation and you aren't intimidated by her making the first move or by the chance that other guys will be around who want to talk to her.

 

As far as conversation goes, go for your strong points, no matter how nerdy it might seem. You two already established that you're both interested in neurobiology, play to that strength. Ask her what about the subject fascinates her enough that she chose it as her major. Ask her what her plans are for her degree, what her favorite classes were. Tell her why you are interested enough in the subject to pursue it into graduate school. Ask her where she is from, how/why she chose the school she did for her degree and where she thinks she might move to next. Give her the same info about you and try to find things that the two of you have in common.

 

Other people might knock the subject or this type of conversation as being nerdy, but if she really is intelligent and pretty, then she probably gets tired of being hit on for her looks instead of her brains. If you can relate to her on an intellectual level, than the two of you will never run out of basic things to talk about and the conversations will flow from there. Don't think about the fact that she is pretty and you like her, just think about her as another person trying to find someone to relate to, who is hoping that you will like her for her, and who will appreciate all of her interests and not just her looks.

 

If you can't think of anything to tell her about yourself, just ask her questions, random or silly questions are even ok, and she'll feel like you are interested in who she is and what she is like. You can ask her about her siblings, her parents, what each of them do, whether she has or has ever had pets, how many places she's lived, where she's traveled to, where she would like to travel to. Anything goes, and you have nothing to loose as long as you can keep the conversation going. Try and tell her as much about your questions as she tells you, exchanging experiences and opinions, and you'll both be getting to know each other without even realizing it. If work (getting people drinks) takes her away from you briefly, then it will just give you more time (less pressure) to think of your next question built on what she has said already.

 

As far as what kind of questions to ask, my personal principle is to never ask a question that I'm not comfortable answering myself in turn. A conversation is give and take, and the more you give/share about yourself, the more she will feel comfortable sharing. And don't worry about the 'nerd factor' (coming across as nerdy), just be who you are. If she doesn't like you as you, then it wouldn't work out for the two of you in the long run anyway.

 

Also, don't count her out too quickly as non-girlfriend material. You don't know enough yet, so talk to her more first. Chances are she will appreciate the efforts you make to get to know her, won't feel like you are after her for her looks, and will therefore trust you more. After a few dates, where you feel like you may have established at least the beginnings of a friendship, then you can have the conversation about where you would like the relationship to go.

 

If I was in her position, I don't think Tuesday would come off as too soon or desperate, and you could always tell her that you knew you wouldn't get a chance later in the week and you were hoping Tuesdays wouldn't be too busy. If she is waiting to hear from you, then Tuesday might not be soon enough. Waiting sucks, especially when you have no clue what the other person might be thinking.

 

Just GO. Don't let your worries, fears, or past experiences hold you back and keep you from taking this opportunity. Don't expect anything other than perhaps a conversation, and see where it takes you. Let things take their time, focus on one thing at a time, and start by following up on her invitation to visit her at work. The worst thing that can happen is that it might not work out, she might not be really interested, nothing will come from it and you'll remain single. But this result would be little different from your current situation. Anything else would be a positive development.

 

Good luck.

[A_guy]

 

Don't expect anything other than perhaps a conversation, and see where it takes you.

 

 

 

I read the whole thing, but this pretty much sums it up from a guys simple point of view. Keep it uncomplicated in your brain.

 

She has some really good advice though.

[Calendula]

I read the whole thing, but this pretty much sums it up from a guys simple point of view. Keep it uncomplicated in your brain.

 

She has some really good advice though.

 

 

Thanks . What can I say, we nerdy girls think too much.

[counterman]

Yep, I agree. You do have some really good advice, Calendula.

 

Though, I would like to ask one thing, when you say talk ask about studies, family or interests, some people advise not to question all the time and make it seem like an interview. But, as an intelligent girl, would small talk say about more general things would still appeal to her? Oh, and a lot of guys talk about building sexual tension, so what do you think about teasing and flirting?

 

Just wanted your opinion!

[meerkat stew]

Even on an off night during the week? And what's "CBing?"

 

As BB said, CBing is cockblocking, interference, the kind of thing you experienced some of when you met her, IIRC, "Some guy was pestering her to talk to him."

 

Will give you a real life example of why I say don't go to her bar. Was heading to the beach on a holiday, 2007 or 2008, with a buddy of mine who is a great looking guy and very good with women, better than the name PUAs I see touted around even.

 

He had been talking to a girl from a dating site, she had asked him to come visit her at her bar waitress job. I told him this was a bad idea (because I was tired and wanted to get to the beach mainly ). He insisted, so there we went on Wednesday at around 9-10PM.

 

He couldn't get squat working with the girl, she basically was too busy to talk, had lots of men there who knew her, so was under observation from several angles. My buddy who has been with maybe 150-200 (probably more actually based on things I've seen) different women in his life was completely shut down due to the environment. It was a complete failure. She didn't even want to be seen giving him her phone number. I sat back at a table and watched the humiliation. He never saw her again.

 

Have experienced this same thing myself on more than one occasion also. Much better to get their phone number any way you can, I disagree that there's any stigma about asking on FB, it's why they call them social networking sites. How you get it is less important than how quickly you get it, ask her out, and get your answer.

 

But want to ask you this. This girl is a gorgeous bartender/student who works on tips. Is there a chance she goes around town telling lots of guys to come visit her at the bar? Is there a chance that unless you go at a totally dead time (and she may not even be there yet then) that there will be a pack of her "regulars" there, chumps who sit and hit on her and feed her tips and interfere with any guy who tries to "jump the line?" Is there a chance that even if the place is empty, other male employees there will have a claim staked on her in their minds and will interfere with your efforts? If there is a chance of these things or other obstacles during the visit, don't waste your time, especially as a guy who says he has trouble talking to women, choose the simple 1. get number, 2 call, 3. ask out plan.

[A_guy]

I guess he has to work it somehow to get her number in person, call, have a conversation and then ask her when she wants to chill. The whole bar thing makes it all the trickier for us dudes.

 

Maybe he could swoop in there type early, say a quick hello with a quick 'Hey, how are you?' conversation and then after some minutes just be like

 

'Ha Ha, Yea listen, I actually can't stay because my friend(s) are blah blah blahing something doo daa dee and was wondering if I could get your number so we could talk later?'

 

No expectations. Be cool. "Ha Ha" 's are optional.

 

EDIT: Oh and interesting choice of word in post title. I hope you investigate your way right into her panties.. lol >= ^ )

Edited February 3, 2010 by A_guy

[Calendula]

Meerkat does have some good points, but I would say that it all depends on the situation and the environment. If you at least show up to check out what the dynamic could be at the bar than it looks like you're making an effort to get to know her, even if there are other guys around 'Cblocking' you. Then you would have a valid excuse (in my mind anyway) to ask for her number using Facebook mail afterwards. Something like, "Hey ___, since you were so busy at the bar that we didn't get much time to talk, would you be interested in going out to eat some time so we could continue the conversation? My number is ___, and you can just let me know when you are free."

 

Giving her your number would leave it on her terms, and the fact that you even showed up to check out her work would show her that you really are interested. She'll call you if she is actually interested in talking to you and not just fishing for more tips. I still advise going to the bar (if she's working tonight), if only to see what the dynamic is. Maybe you'll be able to have a conversation with her, maybe not, but showing up and acting on her invitation will show her that you are interested in her and confident enough to risk a potentially hostile environment (even if you might not really be). Don't get your hopes up, but take this opportunity as far as you can.

 

I think you have nothing to loose by trying, and you can still ask for her number via Facebook if the bar scene doesn't work in your favor. At most, if you go early, you'll only need half an hour to figure out if you'll be able to talk with her while she's working and you can always leave before it gets too busy. I wouldn't say that spending half an hour, or even an hour, visiting her at work is wasting too much time for the potential gain of getting a date with a girl you are interested in.

[Calendula]

Yep, I agree. You do have some really good advice, Calendula.

 

Though, I would like to ask one thing, when you say talk ask about studies, family or interests, some people advise not to question all the time and make it seem like an interview. But, as an intelligent girl, would small talk say about more general things would still appeal to her? Oh, and a lot of guys talk about building sexual tension, so what do you think about teasing and flirting?

 

Just wanted your opinion!

 

I never promise short replies , but I'm happy to share my opinion. Hope it helps you out some.

 

General things would probably be just as interesting. The point is to make her feel like you want to know what her opinion is, even if it is on general stuff that probably doesn't matter all that much. This is why focusing questions on a subject she knows well (like her studies or other stuff she is interested in) can be a good place to start a conversation. She won't feel like you're prying into her personal life, but at the same time will feel like you want to know what she thinks and why she thinks it.

 

As far as people saying that you shouldn't make a first date feel like an interview, doesn't this kind of defeat the purpose? A first date IS an interview, so why make an extra effort to try and make it seem like it isn't what it is? I mean, in a lot of ways a first date could be described as a first round of reciprocal interviews for a potential life partner. She's sizing you up at the same time as you are observing and building your opinions of her. Also, it doesn't have to be all questions; questions are just the starting point for an exchange of information between two individuals. How you ask your questions, what you ask questions about, the responses you give to what she says, as well as the information you volunteer about yourself in turn, are what determine whether or not it actually feels like an interview. Making sure that you answer your own questions as much as she does can also help it become more of a conversation.

 

No matter what you do, a first date IS a personal interview for both people, and just like with a work interview it is up to you as to how you approach it. You can choose to make it light and fun, and pretend you're comfortable and confident (even when you might not be), or you can choose to be stressed out by it and act stiff and up-tight, sharing little about yourself and making no effort to learn things about your date. If you want to be successful and improve your chances of advancing to the second date (the second round of the interview) then I say have fun with it and do your best to just be yourself. No guarantees it will work, but at least you will have tried your best and had a bit of fun in the process.

 

As far as flirting and building sexual tension go, it really depends on the kind of readings you get from the girl - body language, sense of humor, sensitivity, etc. It also depends on what your intentions are. If you just want to get her into bed, and you don't really care what she thinks, then focusing all your efforts on flirting and overtly sexual comments might be the way to go. If she isn't thinking the same thing, you'll scare her off quickly enough that you won't have wasted too much time.

 

If you want a relationship that lasts a bit longer with her, than I would suggest taking a more subtle approach to flirting on the first date. Enough to let her know that you like what you see and are interested in her physically, but not so much that she thinks you're only after sex. You don't even necessarily have to kiss her or hold hands, and you may not even have to overtly touch her sensually or for lengthy periods of time. There are lots of subtle physical cues that women pick up on from a guy that they may not openly acknowledge as sexual, but which still count as flirting - lingering gazes, expressions (I can usually tell when a guy wants to kiss me because he gets this particular look in his eyes), playing footsie under the table at dinner, finding an excuse to touch her arm to get her attention or move her out of someone's way when walking down the street, holding/opening doors, playful pokes in the arm or shoulder, a pat on the knee (no further up) during a conversation to help make your point, etc. If she responds positively and in kind to such casual, non-sexual contact, then you know you're on the right track for building physical trust and comfort. Such a build-up would almost guarantee that a later round of more overt flirting and slightly more intimate touching will be positively recieved. She might even surprise you and initiate it herself. Not everyone is the same, but if you take it slow to begin with, you might improve your chances for both a positive outcome and for a relationship that will last longer.

 

A woman knows when you're watching her, too, so letting her catch your eye after you've been looking at her for a while, and smiling at her when she does, is an easy way to let her know that you like what you see and wouldn't mind seeing more of her.

 

I would say that teasing can also help with building sexual tension, but you have to make sure she has a good sense of humor first, and has enough self confidence to be able to laugh at herself. She also needs to know enough about you to know when to not take you seriously. If she learns that you are naturally a tease, you try and crack a joke at her expense, and she immediately gets offended, even if she laughs it off later, then she probably isn't the right girl for you. If she laughs at herself and cracks a joke right back, then she just passed the teasing test .

 

This is all just my own opinion based on my personal experiences and preferences, but I hope it gives you some helpful insight into the female mind . Best of luck on those first dates.

[counterman]

Meerkat provides a very good point but I also agree that popping by won't do you any harm if you see how the environment is rather then diving head first into it. And yes, facebook could also be a back up.

 

Calendula, I find that I read your posts no matter how long they are! Take that as a compliment!

 

That's what I wanted to know, your personal experience and opinion on the matter. I think what I meant by making it sound like an interview is when only one person just asks the questions and the other one answers. He/she never answers his own question. I have had experiences where I'll ask someone something, in an attempt to get to know them, only to receive one worded answers, it will go on for a little longer and few more questions before I realised they aren't interested or have low energy. I think that's what I meant by being like an interview.

 

I agree with you in that when you ask something, you answer it yourself and also the conversation could flow from that in which we both share our opinions and experiences, thus getting to know each other. I would often usually talk about her interests. Of course with me there will be a little flirting but not overtly as to imply that I want sex. And yes, there are other ways besides teasing and being verbally suggestive such as body language. Some girls do not like to be teased; it just rubs them the wrong way.

 

Thanks for your post again! It has been helpful!

 

I also wanted to ask you about your experiences with guys asking you out. How do they go about it? What do they talk about? How would you like to be approached? Anything to do with that regard. Instances where you would not give out your number and instances where you will. A lot of guys I know of think that getting numbers is being successful, which I don't agree with.

Edited February 4, 2010 by counterman

[Calendula]

Meerkat provides a very good point but I also agree that popping by won't do you any harm if you see how the environment is rather then diving head first into it. And yes, facebook could also be a back up.

 

Calendula, I find that I read your posts no matter how long they are! Take that as a compliment!

 

That's what I wanted to know, your personal experience and opinion on the matter. I think what I meant by making it sound like an interview is when only one person just asks the questions and the other one answers. He/she never answers his own question. I have had experiences where I'll ask someone something, in an attempt to get to know them, only to receive one worded answers, it will go on for a little longer and few more questions before I realised they aren't interested or have low energy. I think that's what I meant by being like an interview.

 

I agree with you in that when you ask something, you answer it yourself and also the conversation could flow from that in which we both share our opinions and experiences, thus getting to know each other. I would often usually talk about her interests. Of course with me there will be a little flirting but not overtly as to imply that I want sex. And yes, there are other ways besides teasing and being verbally suggestive such as body language. Some girls do not like to be teased; it just rubs them the wrong way.

 

Thanks for your post again! It has been helpful!

 

I also wanted to ask you about your experiences with guys asking you out. How do they go about it? What do they talk about? How would you like to be approached? Anything to do with that regard. Instances where you would not give out your number and instances where you will. A lot of guys I know of think that getting numbers is being successful, which I don't agree with.

 

If I answer you here, I think we'll be hijacking the original thread. Perhaps you can start another thread with these questions and I can answer you there? You will also be more likely to get feedback from other women with a new thread.

[counterman]

You are right. Sorry, I forgot my manners!

[boogieboy]

Yep, I agree. You do have some really good advice, Calendula.

 

Though, I would like to ask one thing, when you say talk ask about studies, family or interests, some people advise not to question all the time and make it seem like an interview. But, as an intelligent girl, would small talk say about more general things would still appeal to her? Oh, and a lot of guys talk about building sexual tension, so what do you think about teasing and flirting?

 

Just wanted your opinion!

 

When you talk to her, talk about general fun things, dont ask her for personal info. Try not to ask anything about her that isnt general...not until she starts asking you personal stuff. She will ask you personal stuff when shes attracted and comfortable with you...which will be tough in a bar.

 

For instance, if you happen to talk about London, you say how you went there, something crazy happened (make it interesting)..and if she doesnt offer up any stories about traveling, you ask her if she has ever gone abroad.

 

Come up with stuff to talk about with her, just in case she doesnt help you.

[counterman]

Thanks for that boogie boy! I think I'll start off with some general stuff and if she starts asking about personal stuff and I'll go with it as well. I'll always have some stuff in mind in case I need to bring up something to talk about!

 

Sorry again for sort of hijacking your thread, don'twannabeawannabe!

[Don'tWannabeAWannabe]

No reply on facebook.

 

Went to her bar, she wasn't there.

 

Maybe she died in a car crash.

 

Maybe she lied.

 

I don't know.

 

I think we can close this chapter.

 

Thanks anyway.