br0ken_w0lf Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 Quick background: my wife left in August 2007, divorce finalized in April 2009. I'd just started to really put myself out there in summer 2009. Met someone in October and really hit it off. Fast forward to recently: somewhere along the way, I had gotten a reminder of my ex which admittedly threw me off course and I began to grow emotionally distant about 3 weeks ago or so. This distant feeling progressed and my girlfriend and I discussed it and she knew I was going through a rough patch and wanted to work through it. I then had to go back home for a week and, while there, I eventually came to the conclusion that I'm simply not ready for a relationship right now. I thought I had it together enough to date but I realize there are many aspects of myself I need to work on, and the issues caused by the divorce are just some of those. I know it's been said countless times here, "you can't love someone else until you love yourself" and I know now that I've never figured out how to be happy on my own. I'd also come to the conclusion that I need to work on a short-term plan to move and be closer to my family; some recent health issues in my family really woke me up and while I'm not "another country" far away, I'm far enough away that it's not easy to get back. So two pretty big life decisions right there. I ended up breaking this news to my girlfriend on the weekend (over e-mail regrettably though I intended to discuss it in person as well, but being an introvert I knew that my thoughts would be better collected) and, though I had indicated very recently that I was considering ending the relationship, she is now heartbroken and I definitely feel like a piece of crap. I explained in detail why I felt I couldn't be in the relationship right now (not even "the" relationship, but "a" relationship) but she seems to think that we can stay in the relationship and work on my issues at the same time. She thinks that saying I'm not ready for a relationship is somewhat of a "cop-out" simply because everything was great 2 months ago. I simply don't feel ready to open myself up to someone the way I did with my ex which was evidenced by the emotional distance and barriers I recently started putting up. But I'm not sure if it's that I'm not articulating it properly or that she's still in shock but she is insisting that we discuss it, that she is fighting for me, and that her feelings for me are real. I don't doubt they're real (and mine were as well) but if I don't feel I'm ready to be in a relationship then... is that wrong? Am I copping out? I know deep down I need to do this to get my life together, despite it hurting both of us. Am I missing something?
Match Factor Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 Though emailing her was "weak sauce" and you know it, you have actually identified your feelings and realized that you are not ready for a relationship now. WOW! That's huge and you should respect that. Of course everything was great two months ago... but things change. If she really cares about you and loves you, she should respect that. My GOD! Do you know how many guys have the where-with-all to not only identify their feelings but try and do the right thing like you are doing? You should be proud of yourself... except for emailing her part and not telling her to her face... but I think I've made that point Don't cop out... follow your gut! Take a break. Be alone.
Ronni_W Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 (edited) Am I missing something? Yes...you're missing that she's trying to manipulate, guilt and shame you into doing something that you don't want to do but she wants you to do, which is stay in the relationship with her. You have the right to NOT discuss it any further. You articulated your position perfectly well in your post, and I assume your communication with her was at least as detailed and as clear (if not more so.) You have the right to choose when you're done participating in a relationship. She does NOT have the right to decide that she is going to "fight for" you or force you into the position of being "fought over" by her. That's just more manipulation. Thank her very much for the gesture but you don't need or want it. Some people do use "I'm not ready" as an easy way out of a relationship. But that does not sound like it is the case here. You have given her your valid and well-thought out reasons, feelings and goals. How is that indicative of a "cop out"? She's hoping the label will shame you and induce feelings of guilt on top. And, evidenced by the fact that you've started to second-guess your Self, it ALMOST worked, didn't it? You ALMOST felt shamed and guilted enough to do what you don't want to do...or at least to consider it. I'd suggest to not go having more discussions if you won't be strong enough to just keep telling her 'no', 'no' and 'no'. If you're looking to stay on friendly terms with her, you can ask her to please just hear, accept and respect what you want for yourself, and trust you that you know best what you need. Otherwise, just go strict 'no contact' and be done with it. Block all ways she has of communicating with you. You've given her all that you owe her, and she hasn't shown that she's willing to accept and respect your own judgment and right to self-determination. Major, MAJOR cop-out using email to dump her, and mountain of BS about being an introvert. You say it was "regrettable" as if you couldn't have avoided it or it was accidental. That's just crap. And your "intention" to follow-up with an in-person discussion did not and does not mitigate at all. Next time, sure...write it all out. But then, for Chrissake, man-up and at least read it to the woman in person. Yes? Edited February 2, 2010 by Ronni_W clarification
CrestfallenNoMore Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 Ronni is spot-on. I can completely understand her disappointment, frustration and sadness but she's basically telling you she doesn't care what's best for you. She wants what's best for her and by dismissing your feelings and imposing her own agenda and plan, she's basically telling you that only her feelings matter. She has a right to feel upset and hurt and you have a right to feel that you aren't ready for a relationship Neither of your feelings are right or wrong, but you're just as entitled to feel as you do without her trying to convince you otherwise. I can't imagine she had no clue you were recently divorced so it doesn't seem like a situation where you mislead her. You were honest that you were going through a rough patch and now you've realized you need to take time to heal. You know those cliches we hear growing up? Well, they're usually true. If you love someone, set them free. As much as I hated it at first, I realized that my ex-husband leaving me completely alone after we separated was his way of showing me that he did, in fact, respect and at one point had loved me. If someone keeps trying to pull you back in, complicate your healing process by frequent contact or tell you "it's not over," then that person doesn't value and love you the way a healthy person should.
Author br0ken_w0lf Posted February 2, 2010 Author Posted February 2, 2010 Thanks for the replies, folks. What you folks described is actually exactly how I felt during our conversation, that she wasn't listening to nor respecting my feelings. But she was so upset and seemingly in shock that I didn't feel I could say that at the time. And she kept insisting that she is not trying to manipulate my feelings or dismiss what I was saying; but I still felt that way anyway. I know firsthand that fighting for someone doesn't work if they're already out. She did say she wanted to wait a couple of days then talk but I guess I will have to make it clear that I know where I stand and that this truly is the best thing for me, despite how things were in the beginning. Not being ready is definitely not a cop-out for me, I do not want a relationship right now because I know I can't be effective in one. As for the e-mail method, I know it did insulate me from her initial reaction and it admittedly was not the right way to go, and I still feel bad about that. But I was concerned about folding under pressure as well as not articulating everything properly (since I usually come off a near mute when discussing this stuff). I hadn't thought about writing it all out so as not to miss anything, then read it in person. It's extremely difficult to discuss things like this with a woman who's horribly upset, and I chose the easy road. Point taken... Thanks again.
kwyser Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 If you truly feel you need to do, then do it. Don't make yourself suffer because you made someone else feel bad. If you aren't ready for a relationship until you straighten out your life the way you want to, then that is what you need to do. It is not a cop-out. Don't ever feel like you have to make someone else happy because they want to continue the relationship when you don't.
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