Valentine's Day / Anniversaries????

[Church Bells]

Ok guys, I know this is petty stuff in the whole scheme of things that we have had to deal with, but "tis the season" so to speak, and I'm still struggling 2.5 years post D-Day.

 

The first year after D-Day, I tried to buy a Valentine's Day card, and then again two months later on our anniversay, but I really triggered and couldn't find an appropriate card and just left the stores and have never returned. Basically, for the past two years, we have just ignored both of these dates and just allowed them to pass, and here they are approaching again.

 

For the record, I'd say our recovered M is a success by most measurements. We spend a TON of time together and really enjoy each others company as long as we live in the present or talk of the future, but when reviewing the past ... like Valentine's Day and anniversaries make you do ... I still just "shut down" emotionally and tend to go to a dark depressed place.

 

My W has mentioned a couple of times about her desire to renew our vows on our old anniversary date at some point in the future, in an effort to "reclaim" that day, and I know how much not recognizing these dates bothers her, but at this point in time, I'm just not that interested in the idea.

 

Therefore, I thought I'd reach out and see if any of you have any ideas. For those of you that are attempting R, do you still recognize these dates? If so, did you have really bad triggers and how did you deal with them? ... or is this one more of those things that a BH has to suck up, endure, and move forward as best they can?

 

Again, you'd think with all that we've had to accept and deal with, that a couple of "Hallmark Holiday's" wouldn't be that big of a obstacle to tackle, but this is one of the remaining issues that I'm still struggling over.

 

Thoughts???

[BlueeyedJonesy]

Our D-day was in oct. I think I'm opposite when it comes to these holidays. I like them because its just a day to think about our relationship..and what we are working towards. Don't make it about the past, you'll only hurt yourself.

[silktricks]

I found out right after our anniversary, so by the time it rolled around again, we'd already done a lot of healing. My H put extra extra special work into the first anniversary, and we've continued to celebrate all of them. Valentines was difficult for me the first time, as I had very clear memories of the ones while he was "with" the ow.

 

But the very hardest date for me was my own birthday - which really sucks .

 

If I had any advice to give, it would be to make new memories, and new special times.

[mnm]

I know how you feel. Our anniversary was in November and I was nervous, but also wanted to make it special because we had come so far. It was only 9 months post D-Day. We also took a trip with the family over Christmas that we went last year and he was involved in the A. I crossed that barrier easier than I imagined.

 

If you take a small step like a card, you are crossing a barrier and it's not as hard as you think once its done. Find one that is maybe a little generic just as a beginning.

 

Valentines Day and this month are extremely hard for me because this is the 1 yr mark that I found out about the A. I can't do anything for the holiday this year, going through too many triggers right now.

 

Good luck.

[jwi71]

For the record, I'd say our recovered M is a success by most measurements.

 

So its a success and recovered except on important emotional milestones.

I'm not sure I would call that a success.

Success, to me, is looking FORWARD to those days...not sinking into a bad place when they are here. Sorry, but that smacks of unresolved issues.

 

It takes at LEAST two years to get there. It maybe a case of "not there yet" or maybe, as I suspect, something still ain't right.

 

We spend a TON of time together and really enjoy each others company as long as we live in the present or talk of the future, but when reviewing the past ... like Valentine's Day and anniversaries make you do ... I still just "shut down" emotionally and tend to go to a dark depressed place.

Kinda sounds like...its ok on the surface. But when delving "deeper" into the emotions of your M (and those associated with her A)...the wounds fester.

 

Would you think "out of sight, out of mind" is appropriate description?

 

Again...not sure YOU have healed.

 

My W has mentioned a couple of times about her desire to renew our vows on our old anniversary date at some point in the future, in an effort to "reclaim" that day, and I know how much not recognizing these dates bothers her, but at this point in time, I'm just not that interested in the idea.

There's a real theme here.

Something that was lost (stolen) and not yet retrieved.

 

Either you simply aren't there yet...or you never will be. Great question to ask your W and your MC/IC should you be seeing one. If not, a good reason to go.

 

Therefore, I thought I'd reach out and see if any of you have any ideas. For those of you that are attempting R, do you still recognize these dates? If so, did you have really bad triggers and how did you deal with them? ... or is this one more of those things that a BH has to suck up, endure, and move forward as best they can?

I get it as a BH myself. However, in the interest of full disclosure, I divorced my WW. I get the whole triggers thing as well. Part of the solution is WITHIN...letting go (and you haven't). Part of the solution is your WW...she has to help you with the triggers by either avoiding, or talking or listening - basically...helping you through. How would you rate her EFFORT (not the effects of...just the energy she puts in). If its lacking, ask for more. IF you think she is doing all she can, then the issue is WITHIN.

 

And the solution is simple.

 

Give it MORE time or do not.

 

For me, I never got there. I decided enough was enough, asked her to leave and filed. (yes, leaving out salient details). Then and only then did I find peace.

 

Good luck my friend...forgiveness is inherently unfair and its your job, not hers. Find it within. And if you cannot, I would leave.

[silktricks]

I was going to add - the first year I didn't try to ignore the dead cow in the room, I bought him a card that basically addressed the issue - something to the effect that even with all the bad times I was glad we had each other....

 

Small steps, like mnm said are easier. teeny tiny baby steps still get you moving

[Church Bells]

Kinda sounds like...its ok on the surface. But when delving "deeper" into the emotions of your M (and those associated with her A)...the wounds fester.

 

Would you think "out of sight, out of mind" is appropriate description?

 

Again...not sure YOU have healed.

 

Thanks to everyone for sharing your experiences, and especially to jwi71 ... I think you have a pretty good insight into what I'm experiencing and trying to work through.

 

The above is correct ... on the surface, I hold up very well. As long as I'm occupied with other things, I function very normally, but during slow periods or when I have time or "occassion" to dwell, then my mind goes back to those unresolved issues.

 

There's a real theme here.

Something that was lost (stolen) and not yet retrieved.

 

Either you simply aren't there yet...or you never will be.

 

I know its cliche', but I was really one of those H's that NEVER thought he would be in this siutation. We had a GREAT M pre-A. I married the classic "good girl" and built a pedestal in my mind to place her upon, and for 13 years she occupied that place with grace.

 

Her A was very short and not terribly involved, by comparison, and blew up immediately upon my discovery. There was little withdrawal, and immediate remorse for her actions.

 

This A was completely out of character for the W I'd known for so long, but, in retrospect, not so much out of character for the W that had been confusing me with her behavior for about 6-12 months pre-A. She has a career with a Fortune 500 company that required, what I believed to be, too much travel and she was getting just too involved with her co-workers ... male and female. She was spending more and more quality time with her co-workers, including non-business personal phone calls and texting, and her drinking had escalated, including several episodes of binge drinking that evolved into angry behaviors around me, and lapses of memory when around her co-workers. Something was amiss at that time, and I still can't put my finger on exactly what it was, and my W still won't admit to any wrongdoing during this time. Her classic response is "I can't prove a negative".

 

Immediately upon discovery, OM threw her under the bus to save his sorry ass, she agreed to NC with OM and to a toxic BF female co-worker who enabled much of the behavior described above, the excessive drinking stopped, strangely enough her travel requirements for work deminished, she gave me a detailed written account of the A itself, and she recommitted to me and our M and has done an exemplary job for the past 2.5 years.

 

I believe I have a pretty good handle on the A itself ... its the pre-A behavior that led up to that point that gets really fuzzy and is still causing me concern. I had met most of her co-workers at one point or another, but didn't really "know" any of them, and every last one of the male co-workers in her group that I may have suspected have now left the company and there is apparently no further contact with any of them.

 

And the solution is simple.

 

Give it MORE time or do not.

 

Yeah ... I know it ... and it SUCKS.

 

I can and have forgiven what I know, as my W has made it clear through her words and actions that she is very remorseful for the A, and I doubt it would occur again, but unfortunately I am no longer niave enough to trust unconditionally.

 

My problems come when I reflect on the past, I get confused, then aggravated, about my suspicions concerning her "out of character" pre-A behavior, which is worsened during times like V-Day and our upcoming anniversary.

 

I didn't intend to get into all of this on a thread about "Hallmark Holidays", but I just started typing and out it came.

 

Thanks again for all of your time.

[Snowflower]

 

Her A was very short and not terribly involved, by comparison, and blew up immediately upon my discovery. There was little withdrawal, and immediate remorse for her actions.

 

This A was completely out of character for the W I'd known for so long, but, in retrospect, not so much out of character for the W that had been confusing me with her behavior for about 6-12 months pre-A. She has a career with a Fortune 500 company that required, what I believed to be, too much travel and she was getting just too involved with her co-workers ... male and female. She was spending more and more quality time with her co-workers, including non-business personal phone calls and texting, and her drinking had escalated, including several episodes of binge drinking that evolved into angry behaviors around me, and lapses of memory when around her co-workers. Something was amiss at that time, and I still can't put my finger on exactly what it was, and my W still won't admit to any wrongdoing during this time. Her classic response is "I can't prove a negative".

 

Immediately upon discovery, OM threw her under the bus to save his sorry ass, she agreed to NC with OM and to a toxic BF female co-worker who enabled much of the behavior described above, the excessive drinking stopped, strangely enough her travel requirements for work deminished, she gave me a detailed written account of the A itself, and she recommitted to me and our M and has done an exemplary job for the past 2.5 years.

 

I believe I have a pretty good handle on the A itself ... its the pre-A behavior that led up to that point that gets really fuzzy and is still causing me concern. I had met most of her co-workers at one point or another, but didn't really "know" any of them, and every last one of the male co-workers in her group that I may have suspected have now left the company and there is apparently no further contact with any of them.

 

 

 

 

 

I can and have forgiven what I know, as my W has made it clear through her words and actions that she is very remorseful for the A, and I doubt it would occur again, but unfortunately I am no longer niave enough to trust unconditionally.

 

My problems come when I reflect on the past, I get confused, then aggravated, about my suspicions concerning her "out of character" pre-A behavior, which is worsened during times like V-Day and our upcoming anniversary.

 

I didn't intend to get into all of this on a thread about "Hallmark Holidays", but I just started typing and out it came.

 

Thanks again for all of your time.

 

 

CB, Thanks for sharing your story. You're not alone in how you feel!

 

Reading your story gave me chills because it was so much like my own. I'm a BW (you were asking for BH POV) but I hope I can help...

 

I'm 14 months into recovery with my WH, who sounds like he was in a very similar place in his life as your wife, perhaps. Sounds all so familiar to what you describe...the weirdness in our marriage for a few months before what I would found out later was the start of his A. His high-stress job, increased business trips (yes, they were legit), he got too involved with co-workers (male and female), etc. etc., the calls and texting. I know some of it was just to co-workers who were friends but at the time (several weeks before d-day) he even admitted that he 'had made a new group of friends.'

 

So yes, CB, I can relate almost 100% to what you write about your own situation...even down to the drinking like you describe in your wife. My H had never been a big drinker, in the 18+ years I had known him at that time I had only seen him overindulge a handful of times. But he drank more at home (and very likely even more when he was away) during that time.

 

But it was that weird time right before (or at the onset) of the A that still bothers me to this day just like you say. It has been 18 months since that time for me and like you say, it almost bothers me more than the A.

 

Again like you mention about your W, my H seemed to turn into a different person.

 

The whole thing from beginning to end (including his weird behavior) was over within a few months and he begged for another chance, completely remorseful.

 

In the 1+ year since he came clean he has been a model spouse.

 

The longer-term damage to my psyche is still there for me, as it sounds llike it is for you, CB. I'm not sure our errant spouses will ever completely understand that, unless it happened them.

 

I think there is a lot of truth about the 2-5 year timeframe. It sounds like you aren't there yet, CB...but maybe you are getting there. Just like I am.

 

As for naive trust, yes, mine is gone too. But actually, I'm okay with that. I've learned to trust myself first and that is actually a good thing. I do trust my H...he has tried very, very hard to restore the lost trust. But never again will I trust my H more than I trust myself, if that makes sense.

 

Has your wife worked to earn your trust back? If so, that is good and necessary but it's better to trust yourself first. It's an incredible gift you can give to yourself actually that will serve you well in other parts of your life-beyond your marriage.

 

Give...yourself...time.

 

As for the Valentine's Day/Anniversary...I would try a tiny step, a simple card, a single rose, a homemade dinner at home and see how that goes. I sincerely hope your W will recognize the significance of these small steps on your part.

[Church Bells]

Sunflower,

 

Thanks for the input ... indeed, our situations are eerily similar. I don't know if that makes it easier to understand or more problematic ... I'll need to reflect more on your post.

 

Regarding your H's A, did it occur with one of his co-workers, or other work related OW? My W's did not ... it occurred during a "girls only" vacation with two of her non-work related GF's. I have always wondered if there was any work related OM, or if the work related friendships and behaviors just set the stage for what occurred.

 

Has your wife worked to earn your trust back? If so, that is good and necessary but it's better to trust yourself first. It's an incredible gift you can give to yourself actually that will serve you well in other parts of your life-beyond your marriage.

 

Also, this quote struck a chord with me, and I know exactly what you mean. While I still don't know exactly what was going on during this troubling period pre-A, I knew something just wasn't right, and as soon as the A occurred, my radar was already tuned in and I discovered, confronted, and blew up the A within 10 days of initial contact with OM. So, I have learned to trust my own instincts and myself in general, more than I do my W's actions or words regarding these remaining issues, and any that may arise in the future.

 

Also, thanks for the ideas about how to keep V-day simple, while still taking steps forward. I think I will incorporate some of your ideas into whatever I do that day.

[aeh]

We are now almost 8 months post D-Day. As it turns out, my bday is right before Valentines Day. We are moving into a new house that weekend. I am glad as it is a new beginning for us--maybe a distraction, too....

[SueBee3490]

I never did get over the betrayal and go back to celebrating anniversaries, valentine's day, etc. Of course I lived in a fog for so long not knowing which way to turn....do I stay and try and work it out or do we end our relationship? I was so confused as to what to do.

 

Then I thought what is there to celebrate? Our whole relationship was a "joke" in his eyes. When cleaning out old drawers, etc., I found old cards I had sent him and he sent me in which we are both professing our love for each other. Alot of mushy stuff I was true with my feelings for him but evidently (since he's the one who cheated), it was all a joke to him.

 

I felt like if we celebrated those times after d-day, it would be as though I was the one treating our relationship as superficial. I know this doesn't make sense but that's how I feel.

[Snowflower]

Sunflower,

 

Thanks for the input ... indeed, our situations are eerily similar. I don't know if that makes it easier to understand or more problematic ... I'll need to reflect more on your post.

 

I know what you mean...I need to reflect on what you posted, as well.

 

Regarding your H's A, did it occur with one of his co-workers, or other work related OW? My W's did not ... it occurred during a "girls only" vacation with two of her non-work related GF's. I have always wondered if there was any work related OM, or if the work related friendships and behaviors just set the stage for what occurred.

 

So, do you think there was more than one situation for your wife? The 'girls trip' and then something else with her co-workers? Or was it something that happened all at the same time? (you don't have to answer this here if you don't wish to)

 

I understand your confusion.

 

What does your wife say about this time frame? I honestly think she should be able to answer these questions.

 

Yes, my H's A occurred with a colleague as is so common.

 

Also, this quote struck a chord with me, and I know exactly what you mean. While I still don't know exactly what was going on during this troubling period pre-A, I knew something just wasn't right, and as soon as the A occurred, my radar was already tuned in and I discovered, confronted, and blew up the A within 10 days of initial contact with OM. So, I have learned to trust my own instincts and myself in general, more than I do my W's actions or words regarding these remaining issues, and any that may arise in the future.

 

I think you are handling the 'trust issues' in a wise and prudent manner. It appears your instincts served you well during that troubling time and will continue to do so.

 

In my case, I wouldn't say I'm vigilant about analyzing my husband's words or actions now. He did do a very good job at attempting to repair the broken trust and he did that in some unexpected ways. So, even though I don't trust him in quite the same way--it's still too soon, I don't stress-out and check up on him constantly either.

 

I listen to my gut because like you said in your situation, my instincts were screaming at me then that something had gone terribly wrong in my marriage.

 

Going forward, I now know that there are no guarantees in life. If my H decided to do the same thing again, I would figure it out. Maybe I would not know immediately because it might take my instincts a little while to catch up but eventually I would somehow know...never again would I live in denial.

 

Since we reconciled a little over a year ago, my gut has been consistently telling me that my H is and has been true to me ever since.

 

How do you feel about your wife's trustworthiness now, DB? Do you think she worked out whatever internal issue she was dealing with when she somehow seemed different? Is she a better version of her previous self? Did she seem to learn from her mistake or does she just want to forget about it?

 

Instincts are a good thing!

[Snowflower]

 

I felt like if we celebrated those times after d-day, it would be as though I was the one treating our relationship as superficial. I know this doesn't make sense but that's how I feel.

 

I'm assuming your marriage ended?

 

Actually, this does make a lot of sense. If the meaning for you on these kinds of days had been lost as a result of the betrayal, then it would make no sense to celebrate. It would seem fake somehow.

[Church Bells]

So, do you think there was more than one situation for your wife? The 'girls trip' and then something else with her co-workers? Or was it something that happened all at the same time? (you don't have to answer this here if you don't wish to)

 

I understand your confusion.

 

What does your wife say about this time frame? I honestly think she should be able to answer these questions.

 

I'm really not sure what was going on with the new work related behaviors, but my instincts were telling me "something" wasn't right. Unfortunately, I didn't really start snooping until after the "girls only" trip and my gut kicked into overdrive. At that point, the emails, cell & text records provided a complete picture.

 

So I have no "proof" of anything going on during that crazy pre-A period ... I only have my instincts, which were proven right later ... and to my mind that validates my prior suspicions and causes the ongoing confusion.

 

I agree that my W "SHOULD" be able to clear up these issues, but like I said earlier her standard response is "I can't prove a negative", although I find it VERY strange that ALL of this work related behavior came to a complete stop as soon as I busted her on the "girls only" A.

 

I mean she did a complete 180 in how and who she interacted with both personally and professionally.

 

How do you feel about your wife's trustworthiness now, DB? Do you think she worked out whatever internal issue she was dealing with when she somehow seemed different? Is she a better version of her previous self? Did she seem to learn from her mistake or does she just want to forget about it?

 

Honestly, I see two seperate behaviors. Regarding the A, yes, I feel she has learned from her mistake and I really don't have a burning need to keep tabs on her now. I think she learned her lesson and has taken extraordinary precautions, especially when travelling, to avoid situations where she could make another bad decision. Like you said, if it happens again, I think I'll recognize the behaviors and deal with it accordingly, but I don't stress over what "might" happen.

 

My stress comes from what "may have" happened that I don't know about, and that's where I see the other behaviors. When dealing with questions regarding her pre-A work related behaviors, she prefers to offer up explanations to just sweep that period under the rug, like the response I mentioned above, and I still witness times when her first instinct is to lie to me about things she doesn't want to discuss directly, even trivial non-A related issues, and this continues to feed my suspicions about "the rest of the story".

[Church Bells]

Actually, this does make a lot of sense. If the meaning for you on these kinds of days had been lost as a result of the betrayal, then it would make no sense to celebrate. It would seem fake somehow.

 

Snowflower,

 

I know you were addressing SueBee, but I wanted to say "BINGO" to the above quote. That is exactly what I was trying to describe with my OP. Celebrating those days seems "fake" now.

 

I still love my W very much, and we have reclaimed most of our M. From reading other situations, we are much better off than most, but it is still "LESS" than it was previously, and it seems what was "lost" were these occassions that celebrate that "body of work" that has been experienced over our 15 years together.

[silktricks]

This A was completely out of character for the W I'd known for so long, but, in retrospect, not so much out of character for the W that had been confusing me with her behavior for about 6-12 months pre-A. She has a career with a Fortune 500 company that required, what I believed to be, too much travel and she was getting just too involved with her co-workers ... male and female. She was spending more and more quality time with her co-workers, including non-business personal phone calls and texting, and her drinking had escalated, including several episodes of binge drinking that evolved into angry behaviors around me, and lapses of memory when around her co-workers. Something was amiss at that time, and I still can't put my finger on exactly what it was, and my W still won't admit to any wrongdoing during this time. Her classic response is "I can't prove a negative".

And, of course, she cannot prove a negative. Can she, however, see and agree that her behavior was out of the ordinary for her? Does she see that? If she does, does she understand, or has she addressed the why of the out of the ordinary behavior?

 

Has she attended IC? Has she had any physical testing performed that could help explain the behavior, ie blood sugar issues, etc?

 

I ask because the above explanation of her behavior (excluding the binge drinking) corresponds closely to what was going on with ME prior to my husband's A. (And I wasn't having an affair - or anything else...) However, we did find that I was having an long term slow allergic reaction to something I was being exposed to on a regular basis.

 

For your peace of mind, and improved chance of long-term full recovery of your marriage, she needs to pursue EVERY path to be able to explain her pre-affair behavior and attitudes.

[Snowflower]

Snowflower,

 

I know you were addressing SueBee, but I wanted to say "BINGO" to the above quote. That is exactly what I was trying to describe with my OP. Celebrating those days seems "fake" now.

 

I still love my W very much, and we have reclaimed most of our M. From reading other situations, we are much better off than most, but it is still "LESS" than it was previously, and it seems what was "lost" were these occassions that celebrate that "body of work" that has been experienced over our 15 years together.

 

Then start small as you had been thinking. IMO, not celebrating these days would make the loss more obvious and sharp, if that makes sense. But again, that is just my opinion.

 

I do understand what you are saying here though. Could you look at these types of days as a chance to celebrate what you and your wife still have together? Sure it is different than before but then maybe celebrate these days differently, too.

 

In my case, I was okay with Valentine's Day which occurred almost exactly 2 months after my H and I reconciled. I've always considered Valentine's Day one of my favorite holidays (cheesy, I know) so I saw no reason to ignore the day. Our anniversary, which occurred about 4 months after we reconciled was more difficult because that always seemed like such a personal day to us...it was our day, something unique to us as a couple. I had a rough time on our anniversary and we are in the process of changing that tradition.

[Snowflower]

Something was amiss at that time, and I still can't put my finger on exactly what it was, and my W still won't admit to any wrongdoing during this time. Her classic response is "I can't prove a negative".

 

 

What does "I can't prove a negative" mean?

 

I agree with Silktricks above, if you are still having difficulty understanding why the A happened for your wife, then it is difficult for you to heal and for your marriage to thrive long-term.

 

CB, it seems like you and your wife have come a long way in recovering your marriage and your instincts are sound. It just seems like there are a lot of unanswered questions for you about what happened.

 

Affairs are confusing enough for a BS to understand! I had a hard enough time wrapping my head around what happened and I was able to get the answered that I needed from my H. If you don't have the answers you need, CB, you will continue to be in pain.

 

Getting the answers, understanding the timeline, or whatever it is that you need to heal is crucial.

[Spark1111]

CB, I have read and feel in my case it is very true: The WS who is truly remorseful recovers from the affair so much quicker than the BS.

 

It alters our lives forever.

 

And no, you do not have to suck it up and bear it; try to create a new tradition to celebrate the holidays and anniversaries and kindly explain why that is necessary to you. It should be obvious.

 

I have also read that the the WS begins to distance themselves from the spouse and the marriage pre-affair. It is just something they do; almost acting like a single person in their demeanor and attitude. We are no longer important to them and we sense it, but remain unsure of why it is happening.

 

The greatest gift they can give us is to explain the "why" of it all. That is the hardest question of all and takes a tremendous amount of introspection. And until they do we are always left wondering if it could happen again.

 

One of the most important parts of our healing is that we TRUST our spouses to show us compassion when we question or feel pain triggered by their affair actions.

[SueBee3490]

I'm assuming your marriage ended?

 

Actually, this does make a lot of sense. If the meaning for you on these kinds of days had been lost as a result of the betrayal, then it would make no sense to celebrate. It would seem fake somehow.

 

Sorry Snowflower it has taken so long to get back to you but I guess our marriage ended when I found out about his cheating. As I said, I questioned what to do - whether to stay or go - but I ALWAYS knew in my heart, I could NEVER get over the betrayal. I wanted so much for it to work as I loved him very much but just didn't want to admit to myself that I would be alone yet again. We live in the same house and haven't divorced yet but we are nowhere near what you would call a married couple. Kind of like living with a roommate at this point.

 

He always wanted to act as though everything was fine after I found out and just wanted to go back to the family get-togethers, parties with friends, etc. I couldn't carry on that superficial charade. I didn't feel the same towards him that I did before. He was like a stranger to me. I didn't trust him at all.

[Gabriele]

Success, to me, is looking FORWARD to those days...not sinking into a bad place when they are here. Sorry, but that smacks of unresolved issues.

Boy do I feel that

 

Kinda sounds like...its ok on the surface. But when delving "deeper" into the emotions of your M (and those associated with her A)...the wounds fester.

 

and that

 

Would you think "out of sight, out of mind" is appropriate description?

 

ditto

 

Something that was lost (stolen) and not yet retrieved.

...forgiveness is inherently unfair and its your job.

 

'Cheated' out of soooo much

 

 

 

Thanks too for the OP. I have been thinking about these "hallmark Holidays" too. I have little interest on a daily basis to be truly 'intimate' and express my feelings (still so guarded); I should be clear, that I WANT nothing more than to be able to feel all the connection I felt before. I don't think I will be able to muster the feelings to 'celebrate' anything. It's 6mths post d-day for me. My anniversary is in July which will be just short of a year.........I can't imagine that yet. I also wonder how other people so it...how they feel about it.

 

It certainly will make us face our true emotions, hard to hide it on a day so focused on the relationship.

 

Gabe

[foreal]

I have always wondered if there was any work related OM, or if the work related friendships and behaviors just set the stage for what occurred.QUOTE]

 

I know this feeling all too well.

 

If you are wondering, then you should remember to trust yourself...the only one who set the stage was your wife...not co-workers, job stres etc etc.......your wife is responsible for her own behaviors and choices.

 

If you are wondering, then I am sorry to say, it is so.

 

Her "I can't prove a negative" comment is exactly what my H said to me- over and over...

 

NEVER did I (or anyone that knows him) think he'd be the kind of man (or even person) to do the things he did. Completly out of character...or so I thought...now that I am away from him, it is incredible how many seemingly little things I let go by over our 21 years of marriage...Daily I am now coming out of my own Love Fog...if he'dnever done this (or had I not caught him) I'd still be in that fog.

 

If your wife is using the "I can't prove a negative" line- I am sorry CB, but she is full of as much shyt as my H.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but she should have done better by you, by your M, and she sure as hell should be doing ANY AND EVERYTHING you need to get past this..WHATEVER IT TAKES..which mean hell yes, prove a negative. If she can work for a F500 company, travel, party, have an A, memory lapses, all while holding a job and fooling you (even though you knew something was 'off' she still had you fooled) then yea, she can prove a negative- or at least at a minimum convince you she's sure as hell is trying to......

 

**foreal**